GIVE TIL IT HURTS

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Know thine enemy, Part the Whothehellevenknowsanymore

Steyn weighs in—brilliantly, as per usual.

What They Wanted
Well, I guess the narrative has moved on to the next plot twist. As Joe Biden said just a few days ago:

We’re done talking about the debate. It’s time to put Trump in the bullseye.

It wasn’t quite a bullseye: the bullet struck his ear.

The other night my youngest expressed a wish to see The Manchurian Candidate – the original, of course. And, as great as it is, its famous ending seemed an artifact of a lost and somewhat innocent age: a man is able to stroll into a political rally and access easily a high-up vantage point with a direct line of sight to the nominee.

Couldn’t happen now.

And yet it just did.

Which, pardon my excessive cynicism and all, to me smells like a dead halibut on the centerline of a Texas blacktop in the middle of an August heatwave. More on that stinky, shady angle later, probably.

At the very minimum, this is a catastrophic security failure by the Secret Service. Nine years ago, in a considerably less insane America, my kids and I attended a Trump rally in Burlington, Vermont. I warned them beforehand to travel light because they’d have to go through security, but, unbeknownst to me, that afternoon one of them had been ambling along the street after school, espied a tennis ball in good condition on the ground, picked it up and put it in his pocket. The Secret Service at the Flynn Theatre confiscated it, the agent sternly demanding of my son: “Who takes a tennis ball to a political rally?”

And yet Thomas Matthew Crooks took his AR-15 to a political rally. And the reason he was permitted to do so is because he was “outside the security perimeter” …yet still within range of the candidate’s head.

Does that make sense even by the arseholian standards of the federal government? Even were one to accept it as a good-faith mistake, no prudent person would entrust his life to the same United States Government that wants him broke, gaoled and/or dead. From Sean Davis at The Federalist:

BREAKING: A source familiar with Trump’s security detail tells @FDRLST that the former and future president’s detail has been asking for beefed up protection and resources for weeks, but has been rebuffed time and again by Biden’s DHS.

Robert F Kennedy Jr, whose father and uncle have already taken bullets for their country, has likewise “been rebuffed time and again by Biden’s DHS” – for any protection. It’s almost as if whoever’s actually running the so-called “Biden Administration” has concluded that a descent into blood and carnage would play to their advantage.

This is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. Just a decade ago, Trump was an amiable bipartisan non-ideological telly-celeb schmoozing with Bill and Hill and doing cameos in Home Alone sequels. The Democrats chose to upgrade him to Hitler – complete with moustache.

Oh, but say what you want, trying to kill the candidate isn’t like January 6th, is it?

And, just for the record, Saturday night was not an assassination attempt: One Republican voter was killed, and at least two others are injured. That’s to say, an American family has had a great big hole blown in its heart – because on a summer afternoon they went to a campaign rally.

Just another day in the United States’ uniquely unique “peaceful transfer of power” – and on to next week…

…when the D卐M☭CRATs and pet Enemedia poodles will be striving mightily to find a big enough rug to sweep yesterday’s atrocity under for good, doubt ye not. We can not, we MUST not, allow that to happen—at not only Trump’s great peril, but our own as well.

Oh, and that Hitler image Mark mentioned? That would be this execrable piece of blatant incitement to violence, which I dl’d last night myself with intentions of posting it here at some point:

Whatever list you might be making—don’t tell me, I do NOT want to know, kindly do NOT feed the glowniggers, thenkyew—make sure you have the New Republic on there, preferably up near the tippy-tip-top.

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Know thine enemy, Part the Fourth

Oh, how I’ve been looking forward to Aesop’s take. Needless to say, he doesn’t disappoint.

Dear Leftard Communist Cocksuckers,

You’ve been shrieking and flinging your diaper spackle for nearly ten years, hyperventilating like whiny little bitches about Cheetoh Hitler, “a threat to Democracy”, and any number of further delusional psychotic jackassical reactions, all because you can’t stand the fact that half the country disagrees with you politically, and no one from mommy onwards ever explained to you the power of “no”.

Yesterday, you came within an inch of kicking off the Revolution/Civil War you’ve been frothing at the lips to foment, for going on that entire time and longer.

So let’s be crystal clear about the stakes here.

Your whole team will be on the menu too, and then we’ll wade into the bleachers to get your fans.

You want to cry and project about what bloodthirsty monsters we are? Okay, have it your way. We’re going to make even your worst nightmares pale in comparison to what you’re actually going to get. If a man’s going to get hung for a thief either way, he might as well steal, right?

Don’t appeal to our better natures. That train left the station in 2020. Pray instead if you manage to kick this thing off, you get killed before you get fed to pigs, instead of watching them snack on you while you’re still alive.

So you’d better get down on your goddamned knees, and pray to Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, that Donald Trump stays healthy as a horse all the way to the inauguration of his successor in 2029.

If he gets so much as a head cold from now until then, there isn’t a mineshaft deep enough or another solar system far enough away for you to hide in to escape the wrath you’ve already got stored up.

In terms even your thickest halfwits should understand, it’s like this:

Seconded, unreservedly, right down the fucking line.

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Know thine enemy Part the Third

Never forget. Never, EVER forget.


Make them pay. Period fucking DOT.

Update! Not “violent rhetoric,” not “hate speech”—incitement to and explicit endorsement of actual, LITERAL violence.


May each and every last one of them die screaming, and burn in Hell forevermore.

Updated update! Yes, George Stillfoolallofus too.

WATCH: George Stephanopoulos Blames Trump and Trump Supporters’ “Violent Rhetoric” for Shooting
George Stephanopoulos on Sunday reacted to the news that President Trump was shot in a failed assassination attempt, ignoring the divisiveness and violent rhetoric from the left and claiming, “President Trump and his supporters have contributed to this violent rhetoric as well.”

Chief Global Affairs Correspondent Martha Raddatz, in the clip below, discussed the attempted assassination with Stephanopoulos and said that no matter what, “you are going to hear conspiracy theories going forward.” Just like we did after the JFK assassination, right?

They couldn’t take Trump out with lawfare and criminal charges, and now Trump has been shot two days before the RNC convention, where he will accept the Republican Party Nomination for President of the United States. It’s oddly suspicious that the leading presidential candidate was almost murdered last night in front of tens of thousands of supporters and millions watching at home as he faces off against Joe Biden, a man who can’t string a sentence together and has weaponized the government against political opponents and dissidents since day one in office.

Why should we believe the Democrats didn’t play a role in this or at least inspire it with their violent rhetoric?

The left always blames Donald Trump’s so-called “violent rhetoric,” but we haven’t seen any attempted assassination of a top Democrat.

Not yet, at any rate. Gee, think that might have something to do with why they feel so confident of getting away with yesterday’s attempted assassination without repercussion beyond a day or two of “overheated rhetoric,” perhaps? Nah, couldn’t possibly be so, perish the thought.

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Know thine enemy Part the Second

Got this email from Gab’s Andrew Torba last night, titled “Fight! Fight! Fight!”

While we may feel anger and frustration in the wake of tonight’s tragic event, it is crucial that we respond with wisdom and grace. As the CEO of Gab, I urge all users to refrain from posting any threats of violence or even remotely hinting at it. Gab disavows all threats of violence and has zero tolerance for them on our platform. Please do not post anything foolish on Gab or anywhere else online. Our enemies are watching closely. Do not post any threats. If you see people posting threats please use the report button to let our mod team know.

We must not give our enemies any reason to lock us up or silence our voices.

Instead, let us fight back with our words, our votes, and our unwavering commitment to freedom and justice.

Then you are foredoomed to lose; in fact, you’ve already lost, whether you care to acknowledge it or not. In the main, I’m with Giuseppe Filotto:

He’s right broadly speaking, and I understand his reticence to host any incitements to violence on his platform, but there are two points of actual objective, factual, observable reality he’s missing and a third even more important one wi to out which nothing will change, and they are these:

First: Retreating from these people is NOT the answer. It’s what the general population of not yet insane people have been doing for seven decades in a row. Enough. Fuck retreating. Make THEM retreat, and get back into whatever closet or rock they crawled out of. Be in their face. Stop tolerating their nonsense. No, homosexuality is not normal. No it will not be taught to me or my children as being normal. It is unnatural, deviant, degenerate behaviour that carries extremely high health risks and is associated with extremely elevated incidence of child sexual abuse, rape and molestation. And I don’t give a flying solitary fuck if that upsets you. You can get upset about the sun rising in the East too and I don’t give a fuck about that upsetting you any more than the other facts I just stated. It’s how reality works. Deal with it, your mental illness is not my problem and trying to make it so will not go well with you.

Amen to every last word of that, with big old bells on. More at the link, of which you should read the all. Excepting the obligatory “Genocide in Gaza” Joojoojoonoia horseshit—if Israel really wanted to genocide the disgusting Paelosimians they could’ve just nuked the shitbags long ago, and woulda, and for that matter shoulda, far as I’m concerned—it’s dead on the money.

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Know thine enemy Part the First

First in a continuing series of CF posts.

Nolte: Trump-Is-Hitler Media Want ‘Rhetoric Toned Down’ to Avoid Accountability
The corporate media tell us Donald Trump is Hitler, is Mussolini, is a unique threat to democracy, a fascist, a dictator, a Russian spy who stole a presidential election, a rapist, an insurrectionist, and a traitor. The corporate media champion phony impeachments, cheer a federal raid on his home, and validate Joe Biden’s attempt to imprison him, bankrupt him, and take away his businesses…

And now this same corporate media want us to tone down the rhetoric.

No.

The media have spent a decade sowing the wind, and now the media hope to avoid reaping the whirlwind.

No.

Not just no, HELLS MOTHERFUCKING NO, YOU FUCKING POND SCUM.

More to come, folks.

Update! More yet between the ellipses, all worth a look, but I just gotta append Nolte’s closer:

This is not the time to tone down the rhetoric. A former president, a current presidential front-runner, a husband, father, grandfather, and leader of tens of millions of everyday Americans was a half-inch away from annihilation Saturday night.

There must be accountability.

There must be a reckoning.

Indeed there must, and NOT one restricted to pencil-marks on paper ballots, lawyers and/or judges, or milquetoast online op-eds, either. It says so much—none of it at all complimentary to Real Americans—that the “liberal” scum feels themselves secure enough, invulnerable enough, to start in with this insulting propaganda the very morning after they came within literally a fraction of an inch of assassinating Donald J Trump.

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Bloody Sunday

Y’all may have noticed the header image, with which I’m not just totally happy yet and will likely be fiddling about more with as the day wears on. As regards the posting content over the next several…well, for the duration, let’s call it: as CF Lifers well know, I’ve never been known for pulling punches, and will not be changing that now. If the Secret Service, their current protectee The Scranton Rutabaga, and/or the Fibbees don’t like that, well, I truly hate it for ‘em.

It begins

Fort Sumter, 2024.


First thing the shitlib Enemedia did, to the surprise of exactly no one, was lie through their motherfucking teeth.

Biden, for his part, has changed his tune completely, the shit-slurping coward. From this past Monday:

The president joined a call with the Biden Victory Fund National Finance Committee, where the campaign says he told supporters, “It’s time to put Trump in the bullseye,” framing his strategy for the next debate as “Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack.”

Clear incitement to violence, exactly the opposite of Trump’s supposedly “incendiary” J6 remarks. But now, after a murderous pAntiFa would-be assassin takes Biden’s words at face value (always a big, big mistake)? Basically, and note that this is from my own memory of what I just heard him say on the radio, no link or verbatim transcript available yet: “This kind of political violence should never be allowed to happen in this country…unacceptable.”

Yeah, fuck you too, Faux Jaux.

Update! Okay, links to Bribem’s mumble-mouthed statement are starting to pop up here and there:


Ace has the White House press statement, which I’ll swipe.

So, pretty much as I remembered it, then.

Updated update! My brother BCE has much, much more, from an expert, experienced point of view.

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Breaking news FLASH: Dog bites man!!!

Oh me oh my oh merciful Mother o’ God, whatever shall we DO? ALL IS LOST…


Ho fucking HUM. Insty calls it in his usual pithy, concise way.

BOTTOM STORY OF THE DAY: SUSAN COLLINS WON’T SUPPORT TRUMP? WHEN HAS SHE EVER?

Heh. Indeed. Sorry, STILL don’t give a drippy fart what scumsack pseudo-Repugnicunt Shitlick Soozie Collins© thinks, says, or does, about anything whatsoever. Nor her stupid, sorry-ass supporters neither. Now I do admit, being nonchalant and imperturbable is not the default response for me. But in this case, I am willing to make an exception.

Update! I will point out one amusing aspect to this otherwise flaccid, deadly-dull item of (no) interest: evidently, this Stretchsnizz Collins (non)person foolishly seems to think, per her “announcement,” that there might possibly be somebody out there somewhere who actually DOES care about what she thinks, says, or does. Okay, so who wants to break it to her…?

Ow that SMARTS update! Commenter Tom Smith tears her a new one.

Correia gives Collins too much credit.

Regular red-state America doesn’t waste its time even to form an opinion about Susan Collins.

YEEOWTCH! Good one Tom, and so, so true.

Showdown at the Bundy ranch

Divemedic posts an important, timely reminder of how it’s fucking DONE, saying:

To those who say that citizens armed with AR15s can’t beat the Federal government, I remind you of the events that happened a decade ago…

Indeed. Suggestive of a little something of my own devising I’ll dub Bedford Forrest’s Law of Government©: If you keep the skeer on ‘em, they will retreat. Now for DM’s call-out:


Henceforth, Real Americans should celebrate April 12th as if it was Independence Day v2.0. Because, as historical events go, that’s exactly what it is.

Update! The classical station just played Rossini’s Overture to The Barber of Seville, which put me in mind of the perfect musical accompaniment for this post.

The ever-excellent Gioachino Rossini also, of course. One of my verymost favorite orchestral-music composers of them all, and small wonder. For me, it’s not so much the Three B’s (Bach, Beethoven, and Brahms, two of whom I’ve never really liked all that much) as it is the Four Non-Contiguous Consonants: Mozart, Beethoven, Schubert, and Rossini. Might ought to’ve worked Chopin, Haydn, Tchaichovsky, Rachmaninoff, and Verdi into the mix too, but what the hell. You can’t please all the people all of the time, and should never try lest you wind up shitting and falling back in it, as my stern, tough as parboiled steer-hide, wise old Grandmaw Hubbard—better known to three generations of Hubbards and McAllisters as “Big Mama”—liked to caution her grand-young’uns.

Unrelated update! OT side-note: Just thought I’d let all interested parties know that the anti-spam plugin I installed last night, available here, seems to be working like a charm so far—not so much as a hint of a murmur of a whisper of a breath from the thrice-bedamned spamsterbot hordes as of yet, thank goodness. Hope I didn’t jinx myself by mentioning it. Sort of like what I’ve always maintained: you never, EVER say things like “What next?” or ‘How much worse can it be?” in the midst of some travail or tribulation—because God takes such expostulations as a challenge or dare, and will assuredly get busy toot sweet showing you what’s next, and just how much worse it could be.

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And the b(l)eat goes on

There’s just no hope at all for some “people.”


FAIR WARNING: It’s a long ‘un, brimming o’er with more of the same species of delusional codswallop, in case anyone wants to befoul himself by clicking over for the rest—an irrational, self-destructive inclination I won’t even pretend to understand. No, I will NOT be C&P’ing the extended post-“Show more” twaddle this time out, because fuck that noise.

Happily, Meestah COL Schlichter courageously steps in to flush the noxious turd down the stink-pipe and away before it can smell up the joint beyond hope of repair.


In the case of the esteemed COL Schlichter, unlike the previous asswart, I’m only too happy to provide the rest of the clickbait story for y’all.

…If he pulls out, it is a confession of his total inadequacy and failure, and I celebrate his humiliation. But he’s not going to be pulling out, because to do that would be to put the needs of other people and the country ahead of his own ego and he’ll never do that because he’s a bad, bad person.

And so is his wife.

WHOA, that’s good squishy!

As the overbooked proctologist reputedly complained to his frazzled assistant: Is there no end to these assholes?

Grateful thanks to Schlichter for the speedy, selfless save; hope your singed nostril-hairs grow back in with no complications or discomfort, Kurt. As for the blistered paint, cracked window-glass, and damaged thundermug, pas de sweat; that ain’t on you, buddy, you already did your bit and then some. Above and beyond the call, I’d say. Next time you’re moved to deal out another righteous smackdown to some deserving dumbass, may I recommend using both backhand AND forehand strokes in your delivery, so as to ensure the intended lesson is not merely learned, but permanently instilled. Additionally, as every serious golfer knows, a vigorous, complete follow-through is critical, particularly with the more stubborn, marginally-educable specimens.

Elsewhere, our pal Aesop examines another self-inflicted auto-da-fé, this one starring a violence-avowing, Biden-fellating punkass beeyotch who now faces follow-on consequences far more dire, including but in no wise restricted to:

  • Loss of employment, professional reputation/status, and career prospects
  • Federal criminal investigation, possible indictment and/or prosecution for issuing serial terroristic threats, aggravated by repeated witting, brazenly non-metaphorical exhortations to widespread murder, mayhem, civil disorder, even the assassination of a specifically-identified former President/current lawful major-party candidate as well as the respectable, law-abiding civilians who support his Presidential campaign
  • Social shunning, banishment, and/or informal exile
  • Eviction, homelessness, soul-scarring poverty
  • Sundry other dick-in-the-meatgrinder repercussions

It’s a joy to behold, far as I’m concerned.

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Publick Notice

Jeez O PETE, but the bogus-user-registration tsunami shows no sign of abating, Lord knows how come. That being so, I’m denying and/or deleting like a fiend over here; any aspiring for-real registrant caught up unjustly in my feverish struggle to cope with the onslaught—I summarily dumped well over a hundred (!!) of the damnable nuisances yesterday alone—is hereby advised to shoot me an email at the addy in the right-hand sidebar so’s I can get ya straight.

After many placid months with nary a peep out of ‘em—nigh on a year, if I remember right—I can’t suss out the reason behind this out-of-the-blue and most unwelcome influx, nor what the reg-spammers might stand to gain from this shite in the first place. Perhaps nowadays they’re paid not per successful registration as seemed to be the case before, but per attempt, regardless of success or failure.

What I’m starting to wonder is whether the very act of denying/deleting the filthy shitweasels promptly might actually be incentivizing them, indirectly confirming the existence of an operational blog at this URL or some such. Maybe it would be best to just ignore the rat-bastards for the nonce: sit back and let the spurious registration attempts pile one atop another until the shit-storm has finally passed, then dispose of them all in one fell swoop afterward. Who the hell knows, I surely don’t.

Update! Annnnd of COURSE there’s a plugin for that, duly installed and activated as of now. Hopefully it’ll do the job for us without slowing down page-load times too atrociously.

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The full (three-card) monte

For this next trick, ladies and gentlemen, please watch my hand closely—not that hand, the OTHER one!

Biden Administration Promises to Veto any Legislative Effort That Blocks Vote or Ballot Fraud
The people behind Joe Biden that used illegal voter registration, subsequent ballot harvesting, and ultimately corrupt ballot counting to install Biden into office, have threatened to veto any legislation that would impede their election fraud operation.

By now we should all know the essential process being deployed. This is the reason for the open border policies.

The Biden administration (DHS) is not “importing democrat voters.” Instead, DHS is importing people, names, that allows the state fraud process to generate ballots. This is an important distinction.

The migrants will not use the ballots. The DNC harvesters will collect them, fill them out (Team Obama), then the Precinct workers will scan them and count them (Team Clyburn). Illegals don’t need to vote. They only need to exist to create a ballot.

And suddenly, it all makes perfect sense. But what the heck, if they DO get more D卐M☭CRAT voters in the process, that’s even more gooder.

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“Best of Both Worlds”

Having nothing worthwhile to add myself, I’m a-gonna just swipe Bill’s post entire, title and all, except for the source-links he included over at his joint. Hopefully, he’ll excuse my wanton thievery.

Liberals Say This State Has the “Craziest” Gun Laws – It’s Also the Safest State – WokeSpy – Unmasking Extremism, Empowering Awareness!

Vermont sounds like a scene out of Mad Max when described by the anti-gun lobby, but the state’s residents would probably laugh at the characterization. Vermont was the safest state in the nation in 2016, 2017, and 2018, second safest in 2019 and 2020, and the safest in 2021, 2022 and 2023.

While I’m quite sure that Vermont’s support of Second Amendment guaranteed liberties is a factor in its status as a mecca for public safety, I’m also fairly certain that such is not the most important factor. This is:

Vermont Population by Race & Ethnicity – 2023 | Neilsberg

Racial distribution of Vermont population: 92.93% are White, 1.27% are Black or African American, 0.24% are American Indian and Alaska Native, 1.68% are Asian, 0.03% are Native Hawaiian and other Pacific Islander, 0.49% are some other race and 3.37% are multiracial.

Huh, howzabout that. Gotta be a coinkydink, I’m thinkin’. GOTTA be.

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The song that wouldn’t die

That would be “The Farewell Song,” author unknown, better known as…well here, see for yourself.

Thanks much to Lakeside Joe for reminding me of this one, in the course of making sport of hapless shitlib George Effing Clooney’s despairing agony over (not so) recent revelations regarding the collapse into senile dementia of his love-object Xombie Jaux “Walks Among Us” Bribem. Sayeth Joe:

According to news sources including the New York Slimes, Clooney made the call for a new candidate in an op-ed published in The New York Times, less than a month after he co-hosted a Biden fundraiser that raised some $30 million. 

I guess the song rings true after all…

Heh. It does at that, for all sorts of excellent reasons. Now, it must be acknowledged that Clooney’s lip-sync performance of the great old bluegrass tune in O Brother Where Art Thou? is nothing short of masterful. While we’re on the subject, the song’s backstory is fascinating, if a bit murky in places. For starters, although I put it in the “author unknown” category earlier, it would be more accurate to say that it’s a matter of some dispute.

Behind The Song: The Soggy Bottom Boys, “I Am a Man Of Constant Sorrow”
You’d think after one hundred years, “Man Of Constant Sorrow” would eventually get old. But the American folk standard, which has been covered by everyone from a young Bob Dylan to Norwegian girl-group Katzenjammer, and helped launch the modern Americana movement with its canny placement in the film O Brother, Where Art Thou?, has been on music lovers’ collective minds since at least 1913. Through many different melodies, rewrites, and iterations (“girl,” “soul,” etc.) “Man Of Constant Sorrow” has refused to die.

It’s the old-timey gift that keeps on giving; feeling bad never felt so good.

Anybody familiar with the Oscar-nominated O Brother and its multi-platinum-selling soundtrack can sing a verse or two. T Bone Burnett, who produces every third commercially released record these days, curated the music for the Coen Brothers’ celebrated sepia-toned satire, and made the song The Soggy Bottom Boy’s big, show-stealing number. Portrayed by George Clooney, George Nelson and John Turtorro, who may or may not be able to carry a tune, the real-life vocals for The Soggy Bottom Boys were provided by Nashville songwriter Harley Allen, bluegrass musician Pat Enright, and Dan Tyminksi, a guitar and mandolin player on loan from Alison Krauss and Union Station. Tyminski’s big, beautiful bear of a voice, echoed by Enright and Allen’s brown-sugared harmonies, brimmed with enough soul, grit and fire to make a distracted nation stand up and take notice. In a movie that featured strong vocal turns from Ralph Stanley, Gillian Welch and Alison Krauss, Tyminski more than held his own. He also sang the song as if he’d lived it, and with such conviction that it eventually made it to No. 35 on the Billboard Hot Country Singles chart in 2002. O Brother helped make Tyminski, Krauss, Welch and Burnett the highly respected (and marketable) artists they are today, and spawned a fantastic music tour and the live concert film Down From The Mountain. There was a trickle-down effect as well, which can be seen in the thriving careers of today’s heavily hyped, acoustic-leaning acts like The Avett Brothers and Mumford & Sons.

Neither movies, album sales, or inexplicably popular British folk acts were likely on the mind of the song’s creator, current name and whereabouts unknown. It’s speculated that it spilled from the pen of Dick Burnett (a distant relative of T Bone?), a mostly blind fiddler from Kentucky, but that’s not confirmable. Burnett, who published the tune under the name “Farewell Song” in a 1913 songbook, had a senior moment when he was asked if he had actually written it, stating “I think I got the ballad from somebody…I dunno. It may be my song.” Ralph Stanley didn’t think so. The bluegrass legend told NPR that the song was probably one or two hundred years older than Burnett himself. “The first time I heard it I was a small boy,” recalled Stanley, who named his autobiography after it. “My daddy had some of the words to it, and I heard him sing it, and my brother and me, we put a few more words to it, and brought it back in existence. I guess if it hadn’t been for that, it’d have been gone forever.”

Far be it from me to ever gainsay the legendary Ralph Stanley; if he says he wrote it, whether in part or in full, then by God it MUST be so, period. Anyways.

As The Stanley Brothers, Ralph and his brother Carter gave the song its big coming out party in 1951, when they cut it for Columbia Records. Once it was absorbed into the folk music canon, Bob Dylan took a shine to it, recording it on his 1961 debut covers album, Bob Dylan. Dylan’s version is far more sorrowful than the O Brother version, with a melody that’s quite different from Tyminski’s. And like the rest of the record, it shows off his unique ability to impersonate a weathered, phlegmatic old man (long before he would actually become one.) But Joan Baez, his future duet partner, got there first, spicing it up pronoun-wise (as she was wont to do) by turning it into “Girl Of Constant Sorrow” (perhaps taking her cue from widower Sarah Ogan Gunning’s lyrical rewrite in 1936). Judy Collins followed suit in ‘61; her debut album was dubbed A Maid Of Constant Sorrow, and it sure was melancholy.

If everyone could agree on the effectiveness of the song’s central conceit, no one seems to be able to come up with a consensus on the words. The O Brother version has this choice nugget: You can bury me in some deep valley / For many years where I may lay / Then you may learn to love another/ While I am sleeping in my grave.” Dylan’s version has no such verse, but plays up the young, rebellious boyfriend aspect: “You’re mother says I’m a stranger, my face you’ll never see no more,” he tells his soon to be ex-lover, before promising to sneak around with her in heaven. Dylan’s protagonist wanders “through ice and snow, sleet and rain,” while Stanley’s spends “six long years in trouble,” with no friends to help him now.

Whether the singer is saying goodbye to old Kentucky (Tyminski), Colorado (Dylan), or California (Collins), somebody is getting the big kiss off. “Man Of Constant Sorrow” is essentially one of America’s oldest breakup songs. “If I knew how bad you’d treat me, honey I never would have come.” It’s that sunny outlook that has helped “Man Of Constant Sorrow” remain an essential part of popular music’s long, constantly evolving story.

As any good Southern boy could tell you, it points up the strange paradox inherent in the bluegrass genre: instrumentally, it’s the ultimate feel-good music; no way can you be downhearted whilst listening to that good ol’ mountain music. The sound is bouncy, uplifting, joyous, making the spirit soar and the heart fairly leap up into your mouth with gladness. Seriously, now: banjos, mandolins, fiddles, guitars, Dobros, all played up-tempo with a lilting, infectious beat? I defy ANYBODY to keep from smiling, do-si-do-ing, and hand-clapping along! Pass me that jug of good old mountain dew, willya?

Lyrically, however, we’ve a whole ‘nother kettle o’ fish. Bluegrass lyrics are some of the verymost depressing you’ll ever hear, in any musical style, revolving around death and murder and suicide and loss and loneliness and heartbreak and regret. Even as unrelievedly morose a specimen of opera seria as Mozart’s troubling Don Giovanni isn’t in the same league with bluegrass. “Man Of Constant Sorrow” is a pluperfect manifestation of bluegrass’s bizarre built-in dichotomy. To wit:

[Verse 3]
It’s fare thee well, my old true lover
I never expect to see you again
For I’m bound to ride that Northern Railroad
Perhaps I’ll die upon this train
(Perhaps he’ll die upon this train)

[Verse 4]
You can bury me in some deep valley
And you may learn to love another
While I am sleeping in my grave
(While he is sleeping in his grave)

[Verse 5]
Maybe your friends think I’m just a stranger
My face you never will see no more
But there is one promise that is given
I’ll meet you on God’s golden shore
(He’ll meet you on God’s golden shore)

That last verse is the closest bluegrass lyrics ever get to sweetness, light, and cheery optimism. You can take my word for it on that, gang; I’ve loved the genre nearly as long as I’ve been alive, therefore know whereof I speak. Grim? Granted. Bleak? Beyond debate. Depressing? Well, I mean, duh. But somehow bluegrass just rocks me right down to my socks nevertheless, always has done. Could be it’s just a Southern thang, I dunno.

In fact, in my first decade or so of digging on the bluegrass I listened to the instrumental stuff exclusively; I didn’t really start paying attention to the with-vocals variety until I gave the vocal stylings of icons like Mac Wiseman, the Stanleys, Red Allen, and Bill Monroe in my late 20s a few reluctant listens rather than fast-forwarding to the next instrumental, the fruits of a remainder-bin compilation cassette I bought at some truck stop or other featuring those and several other fabled vocalists I’d studiously avoided up til then.

In addition to George Clooney’s excellent lip-syncing (and, of course, nonpareil jig-reeling), a big, bodacious tip of the CF chapeau is due to Dan Tyminski, the fellow responsible for the actual singing Clooney rose to the occasion of so adroitly. Note ye well, please, the flawless phrasing and emotive depth and breadth Tyminski brings to the party. Lots of musical-minded folks have insisted for decades that Sinatra’s phrasing has never been equalled, nor even approached, with which I won’t quarrel here. That said, Tyminski doesn’t suffer any from the comparison with Ol’ Blue Eyes, in my expert, well-trained opinion.

All in all, it’s no wonder “Man Of Constant Sorrow” has enjoyed over a century’s worth of staying power. Being one of those small musical miracles that can raise goosebumps on the forearms of even the most jaded, world-weary aficionado, it’s probably good for another century or two at the very least. And how many other pop/folk confections, of any sub-genre, can say that?

Seeing as how I’ve yet to bring up bluegrass around Ye Aulde Hogwallowe, for some unknowable reason, we’ll instate a new category just for that sort of thing.

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