GIVE TIL IT HURTS


 

THANKS!

Tough Chicks

Mike’s Field Guide To Tough Chicks. Tough Chicks are the coolest type of female around, except maybe for Tough Rich Chicks. But those are rare. All my life I’ve sought out Tough Chicks for dating and hanging-out-with purposes, and it’s always been extremely rewarding. I always just hated frilly, frowsy, helpless Gurly-Gurls. Southern Belles are the absolute worst type of Gurly-Gurl, by the way, and are the archetype by which the genre is defined. Avoid them like death; they’re dysfunctional, whiny, clingy, deceitful, unintelligent but guileful, and generally useless.

Please note also that Tough Chicks are not in any way to be confused with Hard Women, who are also must-to-avoid. While the Tough Chick may live in a trailer (almost always only a temporary condition so they can save up money to go to Cozumel or Czechoslovakia or buy a ’50 Ford), they are not OF the trailer park, even though they will sometimes jokingly refer to themselves as “trailer trash.” The Hard Woman, on the other hand, doesn’t understand why anyone would want to pay good money to live anyplace else.

The Tough Chick knows that violence is an extremely stupid and unproductive way to handle domestic disputes; the Hard Woman will suddenly smash a beer bottle over your head without warning and claim it was for something you said two weeks ago, even though she’s always too drunk to remember what happened yesterday. Hard Women are identifiable by copious quantities of blue or green eyeshadow and the stale cheap beer smell on their breath. They also tend towards cowboy boots and Camaros. For more on Hard Women and the men who love them, see MulletsGalore.com. Meanwhile, onwards.

A Tough Chick digs real men, but not macho assholes. The grease under the nails thing fits in here; she considers that manly and appealing, a real turn-on, even. But just try pinching her ass uninvited with those greasy paws and see what you get. Asshole.

A Tough Chick doesn’t need you to change a tire, she can do it herself. But she appreciates the help.

A Tough Chick drinks real liquor, not some fruity pink crap or anything involving milk or blue Curacao. The only time she’ll stoop to frozen drinks is for a lark or on a tropical vacation. Give her a bourbon and coke or a V and T and she’s just fine. Then you can both sit at the bar and make fun of the dilettantes and amateur drunks with their Strawberry Margaritas and Sex On The Beaches.

As a related identifier, she can hold her booze well, but if she does get a trifle smashed, she will still maintain her decorum at least somewhat and is usually a fun drunk. You will never have to bungee-cord a Tough Chick onto the back of the bike so she doesn’t fall off. If she should get to feeling rowdy enough to be inclined towards exposing her own personal nipples to public view at the bar, she will be funny and a little sexy about it and not obnoxious, trashy, or over-serious. If she seems inebriated to the point of near-collapse, watch over her carefully – some scumball in the bar has recognized her value and slipped her a roofie.

A Tough Chick will never have to buy all her own drinks in a bar. People will want to buy them for her, even if you’re around. This doesn’t necessarily mean they’re trying to snake you; they just like her.

A Tough Chick doesn’t mind if you look, but you better not stare, creep.

A Tough Chick is loyal. She’ll stand at your back in a bar fight with a knife in one hand and the car keys in the other. The Tough Chick won’t need to borrow your knife – she has her own.

A Tough Chick has the annoying yet endearing quality of being able to grab any of your hats, no matter what type, put it on herself, and instantly look way cooler than you ever did in it. She can pull off all sorts of either ordinary or unusual clothing combinations with style and panache; she makes anything look good. If she wears cut-off jeans and a baby-tee, she’s adorable. If she wears leather jeans and a ripped-up cowboy shirt tied across her midriff, she’s hot as hell. If she wears a strapless evening gown with a corsage, she’s heart-stoppingly dazzling and radiant. You will sometimes feel like a hapless schlub next to her. Just deal.

A Tough Chick knows what you mean by the term “Tough Chick” and understands that it’s not meant to be in any way condescending, insulting, or slanderous, but highly complimentary. She knows it’s pretty much the same as what Sinatra meant when he called a woman a “broad.”

A Tough Chick takes no shit, from you or anybody else. On the other hand, she will never give you any (undeserved) shit either. Tough Chicks are not in the shit business.

A Tough Chick would do Angelina Jolie in a hot second, and doesn’t care if even her mother knows it.

A Tough Chick is independent, smart, smart-assed, funny, rowdy, and resourceful. She always knows where there’s a liquor store or after-hours bar open. Chances are she’ll have friends who work there.

A Tough Chick likes your friends and doesn’t mind hanging out with them. Likewise, her friends are always great too. Don’t be surprised if one of your friends hooks up with one of her friends at some point. Be happy for them – they’re both coming out on the good side, and will probably spend a good part of the rest of their lives thanking you for introducing them. Assuming your friend isn’t an asshole who doesn’t recognize good fortune when it smiles on him and screws it all up, that is.

A Tough Chick is capable of morphing into a Gurly-Gurl, but only temporarily, for brief periods in appropriate circumstances. For example, bring a puppy or kitten home as a gift for her and watch her go all teary and mushy. Likewise, if she seems giggly, she won’t be annoying about it. More likely, you’ll be giggling with her yourself in pretty short order.

A Tough Chick is bold and un-self-conscious enough to fart audibly in public if circumstances warrant, but she’s classy enough to realize that circumstances rarely if ever warrant. If for some reason they should, she will not ask for anybody’s permission.

A Tough Chick may or may not have tattoos, but she likes yours.

A Tough Chick thinks Captain Picard is sexy, if she even knows who he is, which she may not.

A Tough Chick doesn’t like little yappy-ass rat-dogs much, although there are exceptions. She isn’t hostile or cruel to them, she’s merely unmoved by them, and recognizes them for the needy, annoyingly neurotic little excrescences they are. Just like she does with all wannabes, especially the human ones.

A Tough Chick thinks Jon Bon Jovi is a fucking poof. She knows Ozzy and Bon Scott rock. She gets excited over Elvis and tingly over Gene Vincent. She likes early swing and big band but probably hates Modern Jazz.

A Tough Chick will sit up late with you and drunkenly discuss philosophy, religion, vintage rat-rods, great books, and the wonders of WD-40 with you till the sun comes up. Then, when you go to bed, watch out: Tough Chicks are sexual dynamite. You could possibly end up with serious injuries. You will always have that painful pelvic-bone bruise the next day, and maybe claw-marks on your back as well. Tough Chicks are sexually adventurous and uninhibited. The sheets will get all sweaty and end up in a damp wad from all the thrashing around. If you have a cat who is accustomed to sleeping on the bed with you, he or she will angrily glare at you for most of the next day.

Tough Chicks are not easy to find, although there are quite a few pseudo-Tough Chicks out there masquerading as the real deal. For real Tough Chicks, try the Lower East Side in New York City. New Orleans seems to be populated almost exclusively with bona-fide Tough Chicks, too. There seem to be only a very few in the rest of the South, probably due to the lamentable preponderance of that dainty little Southern Belle character type, who Tough Chicks despise as much as I do.

My friend Karen in NOLA is as fine an example of true Tough-Chickdom as I can think of. She’s beautiful, brilliant, and witty. She’s petite and speaks with a kind of soft, high-pitched kitten voice, but I’ve seen her clear a bar full of rowdy asshole frat-boy drunks with a hard shout and a menacing glare. She’s simply amazing with the hat thing too.

I was hanging out with my friend Rachel from NYC after one of our shows there once. We ended up in an after-hours joint and sat there living it up (or down) till about 10 AM the next morning. We walked out into the street to head back to her apartment and the bright sunlight jumped me unawares. I swear I thought I could actually hear my eyeballs sizzling; it damned sure felt like they were. Rachel cooly reached into her purse, whipped out a pair of shades, and slipped ’em on, looking like Cool Its Own Self despite her own semi-crippled condition. She then smiled at me and sweetly said, “Asshole.” Rachel died a couple years ago, from a very rare cancer variant, on her fortieth birthday. I still miss her, and think of her all the time.

My friend Jessi from NJ is slim, and lovely, and feminine through and through. She’s also sassy, a two-fisted drinker, and can weld as good as any guy I ever saw. My friend Sarajane from Detroit is pretty, brash, redhaired, and knows more about old cars than I do. My former girlfriend Jennifer from Long Island is sweet and kindhearted and intelligent…and once punched out her psycho ex-roommate when she threatened to throw Jen’s cat out the window of their apartment.

My friend Erin in Brooklyn might’ve been the first true Tough Chick I ever met. She has her own pair of custom-made brass knuckles with her name engraved on ’em, and used Triple Sec as a hair fixative. She’s now married to a great guy named Terry Serpico (nephew of Frank, for reals), who’s an actor. He was in Donnie Brasco – he’s the guy in the poolhall who gets slapped around by Johnny Depp. (Note: when I asked Terry if it didn’t pain him somewhat to let a punk like Depp slap him around, he kind of grimaced, then grinned and said “Hey, I’m an actor.” Great guy.)

If and when you do run across a real Tough Chick, grab hold of her and hang on tight; it might get wild, but it’s a wonderful ride. I’ve been fortunate enough to have several Tough Chicks as friends and/or lovers in my life, and am grateful to whatever Heaven there might be out there for every last one of them.

Latest Posts

Latest Comments

CF Archives

Categories

Comments policy

NOTE: In order to comment, you must be registered and approved as a CF user. Since so many user-registrations are attempted by spam-bots for their own nefarious purposes, YOUR REGISTRATION MAY BE ERRONEOUSLY DENIED.

If you are in fact a legit hooman bean desirous of registering yourself a CF user name so as to be able to comment only to find yourself caught up as collateral damage in one of my irregularly (un)scheduled sweeps for hinky registration attempts, please shoot me a kite at the email addy over in the right sidebar and let me know so’s I can get ya fixed up manually.

ALSO NOTE: You MUST use a valid, legit email address in order to successfully register, the new anti-spam software I installed last night requires it. My thanks to Barry for all his help sorting this mess out last night.

Comments appear entirely at the whim of the guy who pays the bills for this site and may be deleted, ridiculed, maliciously edited for purposes of mockery, or otherwise pissed over as he in his capricious fancy sees fit. The CF comments section is pretty free-form and rough and tumble; tolerance level for rowdiness and misbehavior is fairly high here, but is NOT without limit.

Management is under no obligation whatever to allow the comments section to be taken over and ruined by trolls, Leftists, and/or other oxygen thieves, and will take any measures deemed necessary to prevent such. Conduct yourself with the merest modicum of decorum, courtesy, and respect and you'll be fine. Pick pointless squabbles with other commenters, fling provocative personal insults, issue threats, or annoy the host (me) and...you won't.

Should you find yourself sanctioned after running afoul of the CF comments policy as stated and feel you have been wronged, please download and complete the Butthurt Report form below in quadruplicate; retain one copy for your personal records and send the others to the email address posted in the right sidebar.

Please refrain from whining, sniveling, and/or bursting into tears and waving your chubby fists around in frustrated rage, lest you suffer an aneurysm or stroke unnecessarily. Your completed form will be reviewed and your complaint addressed whenever management feels like getting around to it. Thank you.

Ye Aulde CF Blogrolle–now with RSS feeds! (where available)

"Mike Hendrix is, without a doubt, the greatest one-legged blogger in the world." ‐Henry Chinaski

Subscribe to CF!

Support options

Shameless begging

If you enjoy the site, please consider donating:

Become a CF member!

Correspondence

Email addy: mike-at-this-url dot etc
All e-mails assumed to be legitimate fodder for publication, scorn, ridicule, or other public mockery unless specified as private by the sender

Allied territory

Alternatives to shitlib social media: A few people worth following on Gab:

Fuck you

Kill one for mommy today! Click to embiggen

Notable Quotes

"America is at that awkward stage. It's too late to work within the system, but too early to shoot the bastards."
Claire Wolfe, 101 Things to Do 'Til the Revolution

Claire's Cabal—The Freedom Forums

FREEDOM!!!

"There are men in all ages who mean to govern well, but they mean to govern. They promise to be good masters, but they mean to be masters."
Daniel Webster

“When I was young I was depressed all the time. But suicide no longer seemed a possibility in my life. At my age there was very little left to kill.”
Charles Bukowski

“A slave is one who waits for someone to come and free him.”
Ezra Pound

“The illusion of freedom will continue as long as it’s profitable to continue the illusion. At the point where the illusion becomes too expensive to maintain, they will just take down the scenery, they will pull back the curtains, they will move the tables and chairs out of the way and you will see the brick wall at the back of the theater.”
Frank Zappa

“The right of a nation to kill a tyrant in case of necessity can no more be doubted than to hang a robber, or kill a flea.”
John Adams

"A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves."
Bertrand de Jouvenel

"It is terrible to contemplate how few politicians are hanged."
GK Chesterton

"I predict that the Bush administration will be seen by freedom-wishing Americans a generation or two hence as the hinge on the cell door locking up our freedom. When my children are my age, they will not be free in any recognizably traditional American meaning of the word. I’d tell them to emigrate, but there’s nowhere left to go. I am left with nauseating near-conviction that I am a member of the last generation in the history of the world that is minimally truly free."
Donald Surber

"The only way to live free is to live unobserved."
Etienne de la Boiete

"History does not long entrust the care of freedom to the weak or the timid."
Dwight D. Eisenhower

"To put it simply, the Left is the stupid and the insane, led by the evil. You can’t persuade the stupid or the insane and you had damn well better fight the evil."
Skeptic

"There is no better way to stamp your power on people than through the dead hand of bureaucracy. You cannot reason with paperwork."
David Black, from Turn Left For Gibraltar

"If the laws of God and men, are therefore of no effect, when the magistracy is left at liberty to break them; and if the lusts of those who are too strong for the tribunals of justice, cannot be otherwise restrained than by sedition, tumults and war, those seditions, tumults and wars, are justified by the laws of God and man."
John Adams

"The limits of tyranny are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress."
Frederick Douglass

"Give me the media and I will make of any nation a herd of swine."
Joseph Goebbels

“I hope we once again have reminded people that man is not free unless government is limited. There’s a clear cause and effect here that is as neat and predictable as a law of physics: As government expands, liberty contracts.”
Ronald Reagan

"Ain't no misunderstanding this war. They want to rule us and aim to do it. We aim not to allow it. All there is to it."
NC Reed, from Parno's Peril

"I just want a government that fits in the box it originally came in."
Bill Whittle

Best of the best

Finest hosting service

Image swiped from The Last Refuge

2016 Fabulous 50 Blog Awards

RSS feed

RSS - entries - Entries
RSS - entries - Comments

Boycott the New York Times -- Read the Real News at Larwyn's Linx

Copyright © 2024