Category: Damn that’s funny!

GIVE TIL IT HURTS!

ROASTED

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Roseanne has been simply on FIYUHHH of late. Her hot streak continues.

Social media is abuzz over a video that Roseanne Barr shared mocking professional victim E. Jean Carroll, who claimed that Donald Trump sexually assaulted her in the dressing room of New York’s Bergdorf Goodman’s department store in the mid-1990s.

In the footage, Roseanne gazes into the camera like she’s overwhelmed.

“What happened, mom?” her son asked from behind the camera. “We’re at Bergdorf, are you okay? You look very shocked.”

“No, I’m not okay,” she says. “I just had a horrible flashback, a horrible memory.” She then reveals, “Right now I realize that 26 years ago, Joe Biden raped me right here in that dressing room in the shoe department where I went in to change my shoes.”

“Oh my God,” the son says.

“He raped me right here, Joe Biden, he raped me, right here in the shoe department of Bergdorf Goodman,” Barr adds.

“Are you okay?” Her son asks.

“No I’m not,” she replies. “I need to sue. I need to sue.”

You do at that, Roseanne, you damned sure do.

Reaction to Barr’s video was naturally mixed, as Trump haters accused her of mocking sexual assault victims.

“I would never insult a sexual assault victim,” Barr said in reply to one criticism. “I was talking about E. Jean Carroll.”

Heh. Also, OUCH! You go get ‘em, girl. As Margolis indicates in the article, Roseanne’s comedy-gold riff makes deft use of the fact that Carroll’s transparently specious fairy tale revolves around her non-rape happening during the exact same time-frame, in the exact same spot in the exact same store, which makes it that much funnier as far as I’m concerned. I say again: GET ‘em, girl!

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D卐M☭CRAT shows her true colors

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Well, I guess this would explain a few things, no?

Why wait for legislative action to achieve wealth redistribution when you can just go ahead and take it?

Sen. Nicole Mitchell, a Minnesota state senator, boasted of helping to “create and teach a Diversity and Inclusion program” and “is committed to working toward a more just and equitable Minnesota.”

Like her DFL colleagues, that means taking stuff from people.

But even her DFL colleagues usually have a different process. Still, you have to admire initiative in a socialist.

A Minnesota lawmaker was arrested for alleged burglary Monday, less than a week after she advocated for safer communities at the state’s Capitol building.

Detroit Lakes officers booked State Sen. Nicole Mitchell, DFL-Woodbury, for first-degree burglary, according to local jail records. Police found the senator inside a Detroit Lakes home around 4:45 a.m. after the homeowner reported a burglary, according to FOX9.

State Sen. Mitchell joined Moms Demand Action Tuesday, an organization supporting restrictions on gun ownership, to promote solutions for gun violence.

Understandably, if you’re going to break into people’s houses, you would prefer that they not be armed.

Yeah, I suppose you would at that. Like all shitlibs and many career housebreakers, she doesn’t seem to accept that getting her ass ventilated is an occupational hazard in that particular job, instead believing that she and her fellow criminals ought to be exempt from such grim consequences. Hardly atypical amongst her ilk, hilariously enough.

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Commitment

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Haven’t mentioned this story yet, I was waiting around for a certain well-known news and opinion website’s take. Finally, it’s here.

Man Sets Himself On Fire To Show How His Side Is The Sane And Rational One
NEW YORK, NY — To show that his side is the side of sanity, logic, and rationality, a local man has decided to set himself ablaze, incinerating his own body on live TV.

Eyewitnesses report that the man, who was clearly in a healthy, stable state of mind, doused himself in gasoline before striking a match and igniting his own body, presumably for a very sane and noble reason.

As flames engulfed him, onlookers were immediately convinced of the truth of his cause, ending all debate once and for all.

“Well, I guess that settles that. He’s right and I’m wrong,” said local man David Thatch. “This is how you win arguments, folks! Self-immolation clearly proves the superiority of his worldview.”

“Boy do I look stupid, and irrational now for disagreeing with that guy,” added other onlookers. “He just proved that he’s the sensible one that we should be listening to and everyone else is wrong.”

And with that, every shitlib D卐M☭CRAT in the nation nodded their heads in solemn, somber agreement. My title, in case you were wondering, refers to the old joke about the distinction between the chicken and the pig seen at breakfast-time: the chicken is dedicated, but the pig is committed.

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Words of wisdom

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Okay, this is great stuff rat cheer.

One of the hats I wore before I retired was that of resident conscience. I had a whiteboard. I started recording bits of wisdom when I started the job. I took a photo when I left. My boss used to bring people in to read the wisdom contained thereon.

I have taken the time to transcribe the contents in case the picture is hard to read:

All of the carefully thought out and intelligent plans in the world from the beginning of time to the present day tremble in the presence of ONE motivated idiot.

There are three kinds of people in the world, those who can count and those who can’t.

You should really do some research instead of just listening to the voices in your head.

BOGSAT (Bunch of guys sitting around a table)

In a just universe, stupid should hurt. IT often does, and it hurts the wrong people

Exhaustipated – too tired to give a shit.

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

We have enough ‘youth’. How about a fountain of ‘smart’?

Roman Engineer’s Law: The engineer must sleep under the bridge he designed.

I’ve got to stop saying “How stupid can you be?” Too many people are taking it as a challenge.

Lots more at the link, of which you should read the all.

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John Cougar Melonhead upbraids concert audience, hilarity ensues

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Just in case y’all were wondering what a dick with ears looks like, here ya go.


What a pissy, smug bitch the little runt is. Jack and Diane, my chapped ass. Whether they know it or not, he did the audience a favor by walking off in a snit, sparing them from having to endure any more of his shitty music.

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The Cowardly Lion

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Don’t hold back, Chris, tell us what you really think.

Joe Biden Is a Sniveling, Unabashed Coward
Joe Biden is a coward in every sense of the word. Cowardice emanates from him like rotting garbage. Cowardice overflows his speeches like a drain backing up from a clogged sewer line. Cowardice infects everything he touches. The well from which he extracts his cowardice is truly bottomless. To witness it, in its shameless, reeking putrescence, is utterly cringeworthy.

There is nothing beneath the man. There is nothing he won’t say or do to retain power. This is true of many politicians, but most understand in some Machiavellian sense that at least some show of strength, however artificial, is required from time to time. Even Barack Obama had a moral compass that, on rare occasions, would spring to life just long enough to effect confident, decisive decisions like killing Osama bin Laden (you should recall that everyone in the room except Biden supported the move, a point of shame about which he brags).

Over the years, Biden’s media quislings have laughably associated many virtuous adjectives with him in efforts to fortify his reputation. Decent. Moderate. Accomplished. Steady. Lucid. It is telling that nobody, not even the most ludicrous of leftist outlets, has ever called him brave.

OOOF! I gotta say, this one’s such a fun, enjoyable piece you might actually come in your pants a little from reading the whole thing. Not that you should let that stop you, of course. Just, y’know, be forewarned of the possibility, that’s all.

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Your feel-good video of the…um…welllll….

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EVER, I’d say.

If you don’t particularly feel like watching the vid—which, you really, really, REALLY should, it’s a joy and a wonder to behold—this meme sums it up quite nicely:

Nicely, and word for word, also. Excellent work, Ms Williams, ya done good.

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Uncle Peter, my smelling salts!

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Iowahawk soothes Government Radio (a/k/a Listener-free Radio, a/k/a NPR) “news” chief’s shattered nerves.


Since I couldn’t figure out how to get the remainder of ‘Hawk’s extended riff to display properly as an embed, I’ll just kype KT’s transcription:

– the white grad students who came up with “Latinx”
– sufferers of insomnia

– cat moms

– Vermont organic dairy cows who enjoy soothing NPR monotone during the milking experience

– people who tell you they’re into astrology but then claim it’s only an ironic thing when you ask them why
– people who have life tenure as the result of getting four plagiarized papers presented at MLA conventions

– people who still wear covid mask while bicycling

– people who won their 4th grade class poster contest
– people who have emotional service animals with counterfeit vests

– people concerned about the lack of diversity in the Vermont quilting scene

WHOA, that’s good squishy! Lots more over at KT’s post, winding up with a classic Hank Snow embed.

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Unintended consequences

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Know how I like to say that there’s always a workaround, and that Americans will always find it? WELL, then.

This NYC chicken joint employs cashiers Zooming in from the Philippines — and still wants you to tip!
Every cashier wants a tip these days — but what if they’re on the other side of the world?

A new restaurant chain in New York City is outsourcing staff to the Philippines, using screens with hostesses on Zoom calls instead of in-person employees to greet customers and help with check-out.

The shops — which specialize in fried chicken and ramen — are taking advantage of the massive wealth gap between New York City, where the minimum wage is $16 per hour and a Southeast Asian nation where hourly pay is closer to $3.75.

But when customers check out at Sansan Chicken, Sansan Ramen, or Yaso Kitchen — with locations in Manhattan, Queens, and Jersey City — they’re still prompted to add a tip of up to 18% on top of their bill.

So? With the money the restaurant is saving its customers via its initiative and ingenuity, they can afford to tip. Although I ain’t entirely convinced of either the necessity or the propriety of tipping cashiers, I must say; I never have done it, and almost certainly never will. Bayou Peter hits the bottom line:

That’s certainly a win, cost-wise, for the restaurant chain; even accounting for the cost of trans-Pacific Internet links and computer hardware, they must be saving well over 50% on staff costs. It’s probably also a win for the staff in the Philippines, who at least have steady employment at a local wage that can support them – although I’m sure they’d prefer to earn closer to the New York City mandated wage and salary scale. As for the customers? I’m not sure I’d like to deal solely with a screen for a sit-down meal, as opposed to a live human being. However, others may think differently about that.

What is certain is that this is yet another nail in the coffin of entry-level jobs, which have traditionally offered first employment to young people starting out to earn a living. Mandating a minimum wage too high for businesses to afford means they’re going to switch to something they can afford, and in this case that means removing several dozen jobs from the local market. Other restaurants and fast food chains are moving towards robots to prepare the food and take orders for it, with only minimal human staffing to keep the robots supplied with ingredients and periodically clean up the place. Again, those jobs are lost to the local market, and I don’t see them coming back.

Again: SO? Keep voting for D卐M☭CRATs and getting what you deserve, New Yorkers—good, and hard.

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The making of an Innarnuts juggernaut

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If you ain’t watching the Hodge Twins YewToob podcast, you really, really oughta be.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t embed a vid of such length here, but I’m only too happy to make an exception for the Hodge Twins. I can’t recommend them highly enough, it’s good, good stuff: insightful, common-sensical, plainspoken, and just funny as all get-out, these boys are. Keep up the great work, fellas!

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Moar Jackass Lee stupidity, stat!

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Apparently, the sub-sentient moron never learned the old “If you’re in a hole, stop digging” rule.

In a weird way, Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX) is the gift that keeps on giving, not so much in the way she represents her constituents in Congress but in how when you’re feeling down, out of sorts, and in need of a little comedic relief, she will be there.

When last we left you, the failed mayoral candidate was in Houston at the Mickey Leland Federal Building to observe the total solar eclipse, which in and of itself was pretty amazing to see. The rambling speech Jackson Lee gave ahead of the eclipse, however, was another matter entirely, as we previously reported:

“[Unintelligible] provide unique light and energy so that you have the energy of the moon at night, and sometimes you’ve heard the word ‘full moon,’ sometimes you need to take the opportunity just to come out and see a full moon is that complete rounded circle, which is made up mostly of gasses. 

And that’s why the question is why or how could we as humans could live on the moon. Are the gasses such that we could do that? The sun is a mighty powerful heat, and it’s almost impossible to go near the sun. The moon is more manageable. And you will see in a moment, not a moment, you’ll see in a couple of years, that NASA is going back to the moon.”

The longtime Congresswoman was, of course, roundly mocked over it, so much so that she took to the Twitter machine to respond to her many critics – which in the process made matters worse for her:


So a member of Congress acting stupidly and who clearly does not know not what the hell they’re talking about when it comes to science is not something that should “really matter” according to Jackson Lee, who I should remind folks once served on the House Science, Space, and Technology Committee and the House Space and Aeronautics Subcommittee.

Seriously.

Is there more, you ask? It’s Sheila Jackass Lee we’re talking about here, people; of COURSE there is. Lots of it, as it happens, the last instance of which will leave you rolling on the floor laughing until the tears flow copiously and a floating rib has parted its moorings from the ludicrous hilarity of it all. Now, back to cleaning my hotel room, Sooperdoopergenius!

Update! Moar yet, even.

During a 1997 visit to the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California, Jackson Lee, who was then serving on the House Science Committee and on the Subcommittee that oversees U.S. space policy, asked a guide whether the Mars Pathfinder would be able to show an image of “the flag the astronauts planted there before.” When it was subsequently pointed out that the flag to which she was referring was in fact the one that Neil Armstrong had planted on the Moon—not Mars—in 1969, Jackson Lee complained that she was being mocked by bigots. “You thought you could have fun with a black woman member of the Science Committee,” her then-chief-of-staff wrote angrily in a letter to the editor.

You especially gotta love how, after being sliced, diced, and fricasseed for her original dumbassery, Jackass Lee desperately scrambled to cover her wet-brained sun/moon switcheroo by blibbering, “Obviously, I meant to say the sun.” Oh, izzatso, Einstein? And you want to be “first in line” to live there, you say?

Okay then, fine by me. Some smart soul really needs to head-shed with Elon Musk and see if launching her stupid ass directly into Old Sol can be arranged, thereby making Vacuum-head’s dream come true at last. It’d be a real shame to throw away a Starship doing it though, I guess. On the other hand, it might well be a price worth paying in the long run—particularly if we stipulate that four or five other Congresscritters be compelled to take the one-way ride with their “esteemed colleague.”

Never forget: these are the “people” we allow to (mis)rule us.

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Wait, you mean to tell me it’s NOT made of green cheese?

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Q: Is Sheila Jackass Lee (Dumbass, TX) the stupidest Congresscritter EVAR?

A: Probably, yes.

Democrat congresswoman incorrectly tells schoolchildren that moon is “made up mostly of gases”
During an eclipse event at Booker T. Washington High School in Houston, Texas Monday, Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee made puzzling remarks about the moon’s composition, incorrectly suggesting it was “made up mostly of gases.” This statement diverged sharply from established astronomical facts, sparking both amusement and concern over public understanding of basic space science.

Key Details:

  • The comments were made as Jackson Lee participated in a community event focused on Monday’s eclipse, aiming to engage and educate attendees about astronomical phenomena.
  • Lee, a former member of the House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology, described the moon as a “complete rounded circle, which is made up mostly of gases,” a description that inaccurately represents the moon’s solid, rocky nature.
  • The incident underscores the importance of accurate scientific communication, especially by public figures, in educational settings where misconceptions can significantly impact public understanding and interest in science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM).

Another Q that springs immediately to mind: How is it that this chowderhead isn’t doing a job she’s better suited for: cleaning hotel rooms, say, or manning a drive-thru window?

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A new low

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This level of stupid really oughta be actually, physically painful. Or, y’know, as I proposed the other day, punishable by execution.

Not Satire: U.S. Senate Candidate Blames Climate Change for NJ Earthquake

Oh, it’s satire all right. Whether or not the BiQ (Bimbelina in Question) knows it, it’s satire all to hell and gone.

(America First Report)—There’s dumb. Then there’s Democrat-Dumb. But even higher on the list of total idiocy is Democrat-Climate-Cultist-Dumb and a U.S. Senate candidate from New Jersey just hit this pinnacle with the worst earthquake reaction of the week.

Christina Amira Khalil quickly deleted her offending Tweet but not before getting lambasted by the masses.

Because of COURSE she did; they always delete ‘em, every single time. The Bee’s response, happily, is still up.


Writers at the Bee really do have the toughest jobs in the world, don’tchathink? Back to Rucker for more hi-larity.

Technically, she’s running for the Green Party but the vast majority of her support will come from Democrats. But if any of those voters are on Twitter they might think twice before voting for this “moron.”

Gee, ya think? Why would they, prithee tell? After all, Amira-Kahlil-Achmed-Jibroni just proved herself to be One Of Them; she’s right up the D卐M☭CRATs’ ally. Running in deepest-blue Noo Joisey, the vacuous twat will probably win in a landslide. Honestly, I kinda hope she does—the entertainment value will be off the charts with this semi-sentient whackadoodle. Oh, just THINK of the fun we’ll have!

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Tabloid hijinks

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Proving once and for all that the New York Post remains the greatest newspaper EVAR.

Heh. Not quite up to the lofty standard established by the NYP’s immortal “HEADLESS BODY IN TOPLESS BAR” screamin’ splash, perhaps, but still damned good. In my long-past days as a NYC resident, the Post was the only paper I bothered to buy…and it, I tried not to miss.

(Via Joe Jackson)

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Lefty douchebaggery too Lefty-douchebaggy to know it’s Lefty douchebaggery

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Cliff’s Notes version: I don’t like cruises much, so if you do you must not be as smart as I am. The pluperfect example of what a friend of Glenn’s aptly dubs “Lefty douchebaggery.” No excerpt, because I’m so far past caring about what these assholes think and say I didn’t even bother reading it.

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