Suddenly, a reason to care about the Stupor Bowl

Since I haven’t given a fart in a whirlwind about the Negro Felons League since the first players’ strike back in the eighties, I maintained a personal tradition by wasting not one moment of my attention on this year’s Chinkenpox-attenuated Stupid Bowl sub-extravaganza. Accordingly, I spared myself the immersion in a marinade of PC scolding via the halftime ads, including the shitfling starring phonus-balonus limousine liberal and New Jersey Pudhead nonpareil Bruce Springsteed in his accustomed role.

Happily enough, Larry Correia somehow acquired an Eyes-Only-classified copy of the words the Wokester ad execs stuffed betwixt the locked jaws of the self-proclaimed Champion Of Duh Workin’ Mayan™to share with us unhip flyover-country nonentities who may have missed it, intentionally or otherwise. Before we get to that, though, here’s Correia’s idea of what the preliminary storyboarding might have been like:

“You know, sir, during our celebrity voice over talking about the dichotomy between the two sides of the country, to contrast the red staters playing in the dirt, we should put a bunch of big gleaming pretty glass buildings in the background, so that we can subtly remind them that we’re above them.”

“Good call. And for the fly over people get all the cow skulls, broken wind-mills, and silos you can find. We can’t ever let them forget their place. Alright, on that voice over, what celebrity is hot right now with those racist dipshits?”

“Cardi B? She’s a Hash Tag Strong Woman.”

“No. Everyone knows Red Staters hate women. I saw it on the Hand Maid’s Tale. We need nominally male gender identifying, someone who represents those backwards inbred hicks. Can we get Bruce Springsteen?”

“But sir, isn’t he a flaming liberal from New Jersey who campaigned for Joe Biden and who routinely sneers at our target audience of uneducated rubes? Since they’re feeling mocked, disenfranchised, and thousands of them just lost their high paying energy jobs, how can we foist a coastal elitist millionaire musician on them?”

The MBAs all share a confused and worried glance about how to overcome this seemingly insurmountable issue.

“Hmm…  But what if we stick him in a cowboy hat?”

“BRILLIANT!”

Oh, absolutely! Moving on to the script:

Hi. I’m Bruce Springsteen, millionaire musician, but today I’m driving around bumfuck nowhere in some busted ass old jeep to a melancholy soundtrack looking like an extra on Longmire so that you know I’m JUST LIKE YOU. Poor.

Look. A cross. Because Jesus or something. I don’t know. I got paid like two hundred grand for one day of work. Here’s some high-minded sounding poet laureate style voice over about how we’re all in this together that I probably recorded in the studio in my mansion.

Now I’m gonna be extra sanctimonious about how hard it is to meet in THE MIDDLE.

Red versus Blue… Sure, team blue was all #RESIST for the last four years and endless goofy investigations, but if you think security videos of 50 mystery boxes being delivered by a Detroit election van at 3:00 AM is worthy of an audit you are basically a terrorist who needs to be cancelled and driven from society.

Citizen versus Servant. Like it’s okay for riots to burn the places where citizens live and work for months on end, but if the servants are inconvenienced for a day that’s basically a coup that requires more troops than we landed on Utah Beach.

We need that connection. We need the middle. Because somebody has to pay the taxes to bail out our hedge fund buddies.

There’s a Divide. Of course that divide is your problem and totally not our fault. Look, a horse.

Our light has always found its way through the darkness. Said darkness obviously being four years of somebody we didn’t like briefly keeping us from doing every crazy ass thing we wanted to. Have some more executive orders.

But there’s hope… on the road… because we installed an old white segregationist who got millions funneled to him through his crackhead son from communist China… but if you talked about that in October you got kicked off the internet for Fake News. But now the news is real. So Hunter got a book deal from the same publishing house that cancelled a senator’s book about the dangers of Big Tech censorship.

Damn… How many crosses do you people need?

To the ReUnitied States of America. We even made the star red too because we are completely incapable of any introspection whatsoever.

Buy our shit.

Good stuff for sure. For a further setup for my payoff pitch, have yourself a gander at the damage done to Sudden Patriot Brucie’s ravaged, leathery mug by long years enjoying the Lifestyle Of The Rich And Useless:


YIKES. Also, OOF. The knockout-punchline, as coined by an astute AOSHQ commentard:

21 Bruce looks like that Indian who beat the drum in the Covington kid’s face. Posted by: x4

And—provided we all overlook the excess poundage put on by all those expensive meals cooked up by Working Class Bruce’s personal gourmet chef, along with the luxe dentition denied the penurious Chief Sues-A-Lot—well, damned if he don’t at that. Which, for a smarmy egotist like Springsprangsproing, is bound to smart a goodish bit.

Hey, who says there ain’t no justice in this world?

Disappointing, but hardly surprising

Dammit, I always loved that show too, and he was great in it. Ah well.

Actor David Cross, husband of actress Amber Tamblyn, responded to Joe Biden’s call for unity by exclaiming he wants division and even “blood.”

“After a year of pain and loss, it’s time to unite, heal, and rebuild,” Joe Biden tweeted on Saturday.

“F**k that. I want blood,” Cross responded.

Here’s hoping you get it, asshole, by the bucketload. Not ours, mind. I’m thinking it could be obtained from a different source.

Cross issuing an obvious call to violence still has not been censored by Twitter. The “Arrested Development” star later accused “MAGA chuds” of engaging in the same kind of “violent fantasy trolling.”

“I am loving the responses to this that are all, ‘come and try pussy soy lib hollywood girl woman’ as if these anonymous maga chuds & chudettes don’t practice the same exact feckless violent fantasy trolling,” he tweeted.

So, let me get this straight: your doing THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING as the people you denounce and loathe somehow makes you…better than them?

In the wake of the election, some Trump opponents have taken the opportunity to threaten his supporters with harsh, draconian punishment no different than a McCarthyite blacklist. The sentiment apparently started when Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) called for an archive of “Trump sycophants.”

“Is anyone archiving these Trump sycophants for when they try to downplay or deny their complicity in the future? I foresee a decent probability of many deleted Tweets, writings, photos in the future,” she tweeted.

Other prominent leftists agreed that Trump supporters should be shamed and pushed aside.

“If you’re a Trumper I hope the pain and anxiety you feel now is excruciating. You voted against America and for a cult leader who has no redeeming or admirable qualities. He’s a cretin who cares nothing about this country and you don’t either. You deserve all the pain and more,” tweeted former MSNBC host Toure.

Soon, motherfuckers. Soon.



Ready for the shocker, though?

Some prominent liberals and Democrats have denounced such talk as unnecessarily divisive and have even encouraged people to speak with Trump supporters.

“I’m fascinated by playing devil’s advocate and want to understand the people I disagree with. I don’t want to dismiss and malign,” comedian Whitney Cummings told The Daily Beast.

“I think it’s very self-righteous or sanctimonious to just dismiss people we disagree with without trying to understand why they believe what they believe,” she added. “I don’t get it. I grew up in Washington, D.C., mostly, but also in Virginia and West Virginia, so I grew up seeing both sides, and people believing different things. Even though I don’t agree with somebody, I don’t think they’re dumb.”

“‘You complete me’ doesn’t mean because we’re exactly alike. It means because we are different. I don’t want to live in a country without the red states,” said comedian Bill Maher. “I like traveling there. When people talk to you in Oklahoma, they’re not scanning the room to see if there’s someone more important. Because, frankly, when I’m there, there never is.”

Can I get an UNEXPECTED!™, anybody?

Well, bye

They keep promising to leave, but they never follow through.

The latest is Bruce Springsteen.

“The Boss,” as people with bad taste in music call him, said he’d be “on the next plane” to Australia if Donald Trump is reelected. “I love Australia. Every time, we have nothing but good times down there. It’s always a treat to come. Love the people, love the geography, great place for motorcycle trips, it’s close to our hearts. If Trump is re-elected – which he will not be; I’m predicting right now he’s gonna lose – if by some happenstance he should be, I’ll see you on the next plane,” Springsteen said in a recent interview.

Added bonus: there’s an incredible variety of the world’s deadliest wildlife Down Under, from insects to seamonsters to snakes and beyond. But let’s get right down to the real meat of this thing, shall we?

I don’t believe he’ll actually leave, and I don’t have any feelings about Bruce Springsteen living in the United States one way or the other. I just think it’s about time we, as a country, acknowledge a universal truth: Bruce Springsteen sucks.

He doesn’t suck because of his politics, though that doesn’t help. He sucks because his music sucks. He can’t sing, and even if he could, his songs suck.

Bruce Springsteen has spent his whole career rewriting the same “story” as a song. Here’s every Springsteen song rolled into one:

Becky’s dad doesn’t approve of the guy she’s dating, probably named Johnny, but she’s not going to let that stop their love. The factory has closed or is about to, making life in this small town even tougher than it was before. The young lovers are going to meet somewhere, probably on the outskirts of town, and go off to start their lives together, even though the odds are stacked against them. (Cue the guitar or horns.)

Enough already. Bruce Springsteen is the most overrated musician in history, followed closely by Jon Bon Jovi, who apes Bruce’s style while spending more time on his hair.

Maybe it’s something about New Jersey that makes crappy musicians, I don’t know. But I do know that being lectured, lyrically or otherwise, about how rough it is out there by a multimillionaire with a guitar and a guy on the payroll whose only job is to rip the sleeves off jean jackets to make him seem “edgy” is not talent, it’s a marketing gimmick.

Seconded, every word of it, with great big bells and a cherry on top. So just this one time, just for once: don’t talk, DO. Far as I’m concerned, the quicker that limousine liberal can put himself in the way of a funnel-web spider, a cassowary, or an eastern brown snake, the happier I’ll be.

Busted!

As I just cross-posted on MeWe: I love this story SO DAMNED MUCH.

The New Yorker has suspended reporter Jeffrey Toobin for masturbating on a Zoom video chat between members of the New Yorker and WNYC radio last week. Toobin says he did not realize his video was on.

Two people who were on the call told Motherboard separately that the call was an election simulation featuring many of the New Yorker’s biggest stars: Jane Mayer was playing establishment Republicans; Evan Osnos was Joe Biden, Jelani Cobb was establishment Democrats, Masha Gessen played Donald Trump, Andrew Marantz was the far right, Sue Halpern was left wing democrats, Dexter Filkins was the military, and Jeffrey Toobin playing the courts. There were also a handful of other producers on the call from the New Yorker and WNYC.

Both people, who spoke on the condition of anonymity in order to speak freely, noted that it was unclear how much each individual person on the call saw, but both of the people we spoke to said that they saw Toobin jerking off. The two sources described a juncture in the election simulation when there was a strategy session, and the Democrats and Republicans went into their respective break out rooms for about 10 minutes. At this point, they said, it seemed like Toobin was on a second video call. The sources said that when the groups returned from their break out rooms, Toobin lowered the camera. The people on the call said they could see Toobin touching his penis. Toobin then left the call. Moments later, he called back in, seemingly unaware of what his colleagues had been able to see, and the simulation continued.

And we’re all supposed to believe that it’s Trump who’s the degenerate.

Update! Didn’t think of it until just now, but I believe I’m gonna put up permanent links to MeWe, Gab, and Duck Duck Go over in the right sidebar. Just as a public service, y’unnerstand.

JUSTICE FOR JUICY!

Again: play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Former “Empire” actor Jussie Smollett was indicted Tuesday by a grand jury in Chicago after a special prosecutor re-investigated allegations he bogusly reported being the victim of a January 2019 hate-crime attack, officials said.

Smollett, 37, was indicted on six counts of disorderly conduct related to making four separate false reports to Chicago Police Department officers, claiming he was the victim of a hate crime while “knowing he was not the victim of a crime,” special prosecutor Dan Webb said in a statement released Tuesday afternoon.

Webb was appointed by a Cook County judge to continue looking into the false allegations after the Cook County State’s Attorney Office dropped all charges against the actor.

He said his office has made arrangements with Smollett’s attorneys for the actor to voluntarily appear at an arraignment on Feb. 24 in the Criminal Division of Cook County Circuit Court. Webb’s investigation began Aug. 23, after Cook County Circuit Court Judge Michael Toomin appointed him special prosecutor.

Toomin directed Webb to launched an independent investigation to determine whether Smollett should be further prosecuted for the allegedly false reports he made to police and whether “any person or office involved in the Smollett case engaged in wrongdoing, including the Cook County State’s Attorney’s Office or individuals in that office,” Webb’s statement reads.

That last bit sounds like it might turn out to be the most, umm, interesting part of this whole shitshow, I think.

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"America is at that awkward stage. It's too late to work within the system, but too early to shoot the bastards." – Claire Wolfe, 101 Things to Do 'Til the Revolution

"There are men in all ages who mean to govern well, but they mean to govern. They promise to be good masters, but they mean to be masters." — Daniel Webster

“The illusion of freedom will continue as long as it’s profitable to continue the illusion. At the point where the illusion becomes too expensive to maintain, they will just take down the scenery, they will pull back the curtains, they will move the tables and chairs out of the way and you will see the brick wall at the back of the theater.” – Frank Zappa

“The right of a nation to kill a tyrant in case of necessity can no more be doubted than to hang a robber, or kill a flea.” - John Adams

"It is terrible to contemplate how few politicians are hanged." - GK Chesterton

"I predict that the Bush administration will be seen by freedom-wishing Americans a generation or two hence as the hinge on the cell door locking up our freedom. When my children are my age, they will not be free in any recognizably traditional American meaning of the word. I’d tell them to emigrate, but there’s nowhere left to go. I am left with nauseating near-conviction that I am a member of the last generation in the history of the world that is minimally truly free." - Donald Surber

"The only way to live free is to live unobserved." - Etienne de la Boiete

"History does not long entrust the care of freedom to the weak or the timid." — Dwight D. Eisenhower

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"The limits of tyranny are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress." - Frederick Douglass

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"Ain't no misunderstanding this war. They want to rule us and aim to do it. We aim not to allow it. All there is to it." - NC Reed, from Parno's Peril

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