Category: Heh

Funny things

GIVE TIL IT HURTS!

On to the weighty matters!

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Having said I would hold off on posting anything on the ongoing DC soap opera until tonight to let things shake out and settle down to at least some degree, I realize now as I should’ve all along that things are about as settled down and shaken out as they’re ever going to be, even can be, ackshully. That being the case, let’s talk about something of genuine interest and import, shall we?

The spectacular rise and surprising staying power of the George Foreman Grill
The grill made its debut 30 years ago. Tons of people still buy them

Leon Dreimann still remembers the flashing red lights.

He was at the QVC Studios in Pennsylvania watching his business partner George Foreman chat with two co-hosts during a TV spot for Foreman’s namesake grill. The pair got carried away in their conversation and forgot about the heavyweight prizefighter standing with them. Foreman improvised, grabbing a burger fresh off the grill, placing it between two buns, and taking a bite on live TV.

Suddenly, the phone lines were overrun with callers. QVC shifted into emergency mode.

“Literally, a red siren light starts blaring in every corridor,” says Dreimann, then the CEO of Salton, Inc., the exclusive seller of the Foreman Grill.

Workers at the QVC Studios called it “going red.” Dreimann says he looked on as janitors, accountants, and warehouse workers stopped what they were doing and grabbed the nearest phone, taking sales calls to assist the overwhelmed operators — the fervor induced entirely by the boxer’s snap decision to eat a hamburger.

Such was the allure of Foreman and the George Foreman Grill during its late 90s and early 2000s heyday.

This year marks the 30-year anniversary of the grill, officially known as the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine. After a slow start, it became an indelible part of ‘90s consumer culture and the world’s most popular product for cooking hamburgers, hot dogs, salmon, and just about everything else (Oprah Winfrey preferred it for bacon).

Lots, lots more to the story, and as any reasonable person would imagine it’s some truly gripping stuff. Don’t make me say it, just go on and do it already; I promise you won’t regret it. I mean come ON, man, it’s George Foreman we’re talking about here! And fer Christ’s sweet sake, who doesn’t love GEORGE?!?

(Via MisHum)

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AOC outed!

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An exclusive from winsome, pulchritudinous lass Diogenes Sarcastica.

MFNS – After months and months of researching sleazy corrupt democrats by our crack team of investigative reporters here at the award winning Middle Finger News Service, they have managed to stumble upon (?) Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (Socialist -NY) secret “Only Fans” account under the name “Showering With Sandy” featuring her daily morning showers before taking on the serious business of saving the nation and becoming a legend in her own time.

Now, there are questions as to why our reporters were on Only Fans Pages in the first place, but in the spirit of Journalism, we would be remiss if we didn’t bring you their findings…with a warning to all from Thomas Sowell.

Yes, there’s a pic of them big ol’ socialist titties, albeit with the real meat of the matter obscured by superimposed stars—and if it’s real, they are spectacular. I’ve always said that girl missed her true calling in life, which is as a topless dancer rather than just another shitlib Congresscritter. This would certainly confirm that assessment, in spades.

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A bargain at ANY price

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You can’t take the skies from me.

Rocket Report: SpaceX focused on Starship reentry; Firefly may be for sale
Firefly may be up for sale. Firefly Aerospace investors are considering a sale that could value the closely held rocket and Moon lander maker at about $1.5 billion, Bloomberg reports. The rocket company’s primary owner, AE Industrial Partners, is working with an adviser on “strategic options” for Firefly. Neither AE nor Firefly commented to Bloomberg about the potential sale. AE invested $75 million into Texas-based Firefly as part of a series B financing round in 2022. The firm made a subsequent investment in its Series C round in November 2023.

Launches and landers … Now more than a decade old and with a history of financial struggles, Firefly has emerged as one of the apparent winners in the small launch race in the United States. The company’s Alpha rocket has now launched four times since its unsuccessful debut in September 2021, and it is due to fly a Venture Class Launch Services 2 mission for NASA in the coming weeks. Firefly also aims to launch its Blue Ghost spacecraft to the moon later this year and is working on an orbital transfer vehicle.

Butbutbutwait—you mean you aren’t talking about…dammit, I thought you meant…you shoulda told…oh, to hell with it.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

 

(Via Insty)

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“I Know How to Fix Our Political System. Hear Me Out”

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It’s our dear old friend Stephen Green, who is always worth lending an ear. Although I can’t say I agree with him in every last particular.

I have yet another idea about how to save our Republic — and before we even get started, you’re welcome.

Every elected official — from my small-town mayor to the President of the United States — should be issued a seriously cool-looking sword. Sharp, too.

Higher-level appointees from White House cabinet officers down to that slow-moving jerk at the County Clerk’s office would each be issued a sword of their own.

Anybody running an HOA would get one, too, despite the risks. 

The more important the office, the shinier and fancier the sword. I figure by the time we get up to, say, the Speaker of the House, they’d get a sword so bejeweled that Inigo Montoya’s father would be embarrassed to craft it. 

But, man, would the thin-skinned attention whores who crave authority love carrying those things around.

You think I’m being silly. I’m not.

How our betters behave when carrying their swords would teach us valuable lessons about them. I imagine a guy like Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) would look a little sheepish carrying one, and that would make me like him even more.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), fond as she is of drink on occasion, would probably have a few too many one Friday afternoon, lunge her sword at a staffer who displeased her, but end up falling down and cutting herself. And that would make me like her even more, too.

Okay, I’m A-okay with that part. But sorry, I ain’t so much down with handing out swords willy-nilly to FederalGovCo bureaucrats and/or cabinet officials in the expectation that they’ll have the decency to hurl themselves upon them in paroxysms of grief-stricken remorse as atonement for their myriad fuck-ups. Not gonna happen, I’m afraid; sorry, but they’ll have to be pushed. Which, y’know, I AM down with, one hundred percent.

An alternative proposal, which I muchly prefer: Equip the citizenry with swords, perhaps local and state officials in rock-ribbed Red locales ONLY, and encourage the whole motley crew to mob up and send those Fed fuck-knuckles scurrying in affrighted anticipation of the use to which those keen-edged blades might be put should their angry pursuers prove to be fleeter of foot.

HOA Oberst-Gruppenführers? Oh, HELL no. Those nosy, insufferably smarmy Church Ladies are already pain in the ass aplenty; issuing them swords would only make them worse.

Somehow it got by me until now, but Stephen offers another bright idea which seems like it might likewise be worth implementing.

Longtime Sharp VodkaPundit Readers™ might recognize this as a fancier version of my alternative to term limits, the Take An Oath of Office, Lose a Finger Amendment — and you’d be right.

But I ask, why think small? Let’s do both.

For the Republic.

Absolutely—without even knowing the specific ins and outs of it, this LaFA deal sounds pretty dang schweet to me.

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Moar continuing ed!

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Climatology 101 this time, courtesy of Aesop.

To listen to the idiot retards of the media (but I repeat myself), you’d think everyone living in Califrutopia should be building an ark or something.

Fortunately, unlike most of the failed stand-up comics and braindead spokesbimbos who become weatherguessers and newsreaders, some of us have lived here more than a year or two, and we know that California has wet years, and dry years, which alternate at whim. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Cleverly, there has long been a name for what’s going on now, and it’s not the “Pineapple Express”, the “Fruit Cocktail Zephyr”, or any other such dipshitical dopey name they focus-grouped into being to try and sell more commercials in between bouts of weather doomporn.

The actual name for what’s happening now goes by a rather more accurate name.

We call it “rain”.

It ain’t caused by globull warmism, or climate change, nor any other such ginned up silliness so stupid, you need horsefaced fetal alcohol midwit dropouts from Sweden to shill for it.

In fact, there’s another clever name for what’s happening at the moment, and why.

It’s called “winter”.

And – shocker of shockers – in February!!! Who’d have foreseen that?!?

If ever there was a time to panic, surely it is now, Califrutopians. Be sure that while you do, you stay tuned to your local TV news station to keep up with the latest weather updates; as always, our one and only concern is Keeping You Safe!©

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An idea whose time has surely come

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Not a sportsball guy by any stretch, so I can’t honestly claim to care one way or the other about what pro athletes (or any athletes, actually) might or might not do, say, or think—or to even to be aware of it, most of the time. But this right here, I support one hundred and ten percent.

Black National Anthem at the Super Bowl
What happens if a white person takes a knee?

The NFL has announced that for the fourth year in a row, the so-called black national anthem, “Lift Every Voice and Sing,” will be performed at the Super Bowl.

It appears we’ve come full circle since the 2004 Democratic National Convention when then-Illinois State Sen. Barack Obama said: “Yet even as we speak, there are those who are preparing to divide us…there’s not a liberal America and a conservative America — there’s the United States of America. There’s not a black America and white America and Latino America and Asian America; there’s the United States of America…We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America.”

The national anthem is also the black/white/Asian/Hispanic national anthem. It is the national anthem of every citizen.

As for the black national anthem to be sung at the Super Bowl, what’s next? How about playing the University of Michigan fight song? What happens if at least some players reject the narrative that blacks remain victims and consider the singing of the black national anthem at the Super Bowl divisive?

The first white or black player who takes a knee at the Super Bowl during the “black national anthem” will immediately have the league’s bestselling jersey. As Nike says, “Just do it!”

Yes indeedy. Hell, if this idea should take hold and become a trend—not that it will, natch, because RAYCISS!!!©—I might possibly be persuaded to tune in a game on the TeeWee once in a while again, if only for that.

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Happy (?) New year!

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I made a funny.

I saw something similar over the weekend somewhere or other, but when I went looking I couldn’t find it again, since I couldn’t remember where the heck I’d seen the danged thing. So I decided to hell with it and just struck out on my own—found the raw image, so’s it’s the same pitcher, same sentiment more or less, I just worded it differently and added the CF link, of course. Hopefully the maker of the original won’t waste his time trying to sue me over it; the phrase “blood from a rock” springs immediately to mind.

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Coast to coast road trip in a 75 Dart

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First question that occurs to me is, why on earth would you WANT to? Myself, I wouldn’t trust a Dart to get me to the corner liquor store. But then, some people are just natural-born risk takers, and love taking on a challenge so daunting, so obviously insane, even the Gods Themselves would tremble at the prospect.

Dart Across America: Adventures of Driving a 1975 Dodge Dart 3,300 Miles in Six Days
The 225-cid. slant-six engine is touted for being bulletproof and able to handle all kinds of abuse. That’s one major reason why Erik Jesperson chose a 1975 Dodge Dart as the classic car for his coast-to-coast road trip adventure from Ocean City, Washington to Ocean City, New Jersey. The other solid reason was its mostly clean, rust-free body.

The road trip was arranged after Erik’s friend Josh asked what he wanted to do for his bachelor party before his wedding on December 1, 2023. A road trip across the country had always been on Erik’s bucket list, and he’s not the type to turn down an excuse to buy another project car.

After locating the 1975 Dodge Dart at a dealership, he had the car inspected by a local mechanic before fully committing to the trip. The mechanic came back with good news, simply recommending a tune up and stating the wipers didn’t work and the suspension was worn, nothing that would immediately jeopardize the 3,300-mile six-day drive.

“The Roadkill and Vice Grip Garage type shows have always spiked my interest,” Erik began. “Being a mechanic, I knew if I had the tools and supplies, I could probably make it happen.” Another piece of reassurance came from Josh, who works for U-Haul and had the ability to locate and rent a truck and trailer anywhere in the country at a cheaper rate (worst case scenario, of course). “My fiancé, Kristen, loved the idea of us acquiring an older car that we could use in the wedding as well as take to car shows and cruises together,” he added. That was the icing on the cake. Erik finalized the purchase and worked with the salesperson to pre-order any parts that could be needed for the trip, such as a mini starter, alternator, cap, rotor, fuel filter, and fluids. He packed items like spark plug wires and a few other parts in his luggage before catching his flight to Washington.

Wise move. The old MOPAR PoS did better than anyone intimately familiar with the road-apple abominations might expect, actually; minor annoyances like a broken fuel gauge,  a rotted-out heater core, and getting becalmed in Sturgis H-D rally traffic were dealt with, until…wait for it…WAAAIIIT FOR IT…

DodgeDartRoadTrip

Gee, didn’t see THAT coming.

Our intrepid duo did indeed make it to Ocean City, NJ in the end, which speaks volumes about their pluck, ingenuity, and good old can-do spirit. Jesperson and his fiancé plan to keep the “car” for some reason or other, which speaks volumes about their mental health, far as I’m concerned. Then again, though, I’ve never been known for being at all hesitant about embarking on high-risk, no-net road trips myself. Remember, I’m the guy who rode a 1971 Shovelhead FLH, replete with apehangers and suicide shift, from CLT to NYC just to see a pretty girl.

TWICE; I did that TWICE. So, y’know, maybe I ain’t exactly the one to be sitting in judgment on Eric and his affianced, eh?

(Via Ed Driscoll)

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Ingrates

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Looks like them dang Injuns think they’re allowed to arrive at their own opinions or something.

Native American Group Threatens Boycott if Washington Commanders Don’t Change Name Back to Redskins
In a plot twist no one saw coming, a group of Native Americans is threatening to boycott the Washington Commanders unless they change their name back to the Washington Redskins.

The Native American Guardians Association (NAGA) posted a meme to its X account (formerly known as Twitter) with the message to “Educate not eradicate,” and wants the team to go back to its original name.

“At this moment in history, we are formally requesting that the team revitalize its relationship with the American Indian community by (i) changing the name back to ‘The Redskins’ which recognizes America’s original inhabitants and (ii) using the team’s historic name and legacy to encourage Americans to learn about, not cancel, the history of America’s tribes and our role in the founding of this Great Nation,” the letter said.

“Should we need to encourage a national boycott similar to what happened with Anheuser Busch (Bud Light) which is now down $27 billion (note, not one brick thrown, not one highway blocked, not one bridge burned) — WE WILL DO JUST THAT,” the letter continued.

The letter also warned that it would stand its ground because, if “you don’t acknowledge history, we are doomed to repeat it.”

Boy, the irony just doesn’t come any more delicious than that. In another note-perfect Tweet X Whatthehellever, the NAGA takes NY-state high school sports teams to task for the same thing, dubbing the sudden wave of PC-mandated name changes “the eradication movement.” Yep, you better just believe you’ll be seeing that one again around these h’yar parts, people.

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Question asked, question answered

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Over at Liberty Daily, we find this amusing link: Let’s Lighten the Mood This Weekend! Are Cats Smarter Than Dogs?

Easy-peasy lemon-squeezy. Having had both cats AND dogs my entire life, I feel I can speak with some authority on this, umm, pressing issue. And the answer is: cats are inarguably, indubitably smarter.

What would make you think so, you ask? Why, merely this: Any and every time I ever had both a cat and a dog at the same time, which has been fairly frequently, I always had to find some way to block off the cat litter box so’s the dog couldn’t get at it; you see, dogs will eat cat shit as if it were filet mignon*. Seeing as how I never once ran across a cat that showed the slightest interest in chowing down on doggie-doo, y’know, that pretty much settles the matter as far as I’m concerned. YMMV, of course and as usual.

*Saves on the hassle and back pain of scooping out the cat box, sure. Then again, it’s another reason why I have NEVER allowed any dog of mine to lick me all over my face the way some dog-owners seem to delight in.

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Laying the hate

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Okay, from this diatribe I’m gonna guess that Ace is pretty much off the Trump train.

Wow, you would never guess that Donald Trump paid off a stripper to keep quite the adulterous affair he had with her, or that he’s been found culpable of sexual assault against a woman.

Before you object — stuff it. I’m always being told “Gee I don’t know why DeSantis people are so angry about Trump’s constant scumbag lies, this kind of thing always happens in a primary, just deal with it.”

Well Trump was found liable in a rape lawsuit. Deal with that.

We have ONE RULE here, people. Not one rule for the Trump scumbag and another rule for his opponents.

I guess Trump will be running on morality now.

Trump, who has spent most of his campaign money and time attacking Ron DeSantis rather than Joe Biden, now calls upon his opponents to drop out of the race because, you see, just by contesting the nomination, they’re attacking other Republicans instead of Joe Biden.

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

Even by Trump’s slimy standards, that is outrageous. He has done nothing but attack an actual conservative Republican who, unlike him, is able to achieve win after win on conservative policy, instead of ranting on Twitter all fucking day.

The former president and GOP front-runner said it was time for Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis and others he dismissed as “clowns” to clear the field, accusing them of “wasting hundreds of millions of dollars that Republicans should be using to build a massive vote-gathering operation” to take on Biden in November.

How much of the money you’ve grifted from supporters have you spent on that, Mr. So-Tired-of-Winning-That-You-Just-Stopped-Winning?

Trump’s brand lately is losing. Losing his own races, and making horrible picks based just on whether someone is 1, a celebrity (or, really, a “celebrity;” Trump is desperate for anyone that he can pretend is in “show business”) and 2, willing to kiss his ass.

And these picks also lose.

He has to prove he is capable of winning — and of answering the many, many criticisms that the media/left has of him, but also the criticisms that (the) actual conservative right has of him.

But…but…but WAIT. You mean there’s still an “actual conservative right” out there? Man alive, that’s good to hear. I thought it had gone extinct years ago.

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Five German dances

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One of my personal-fave Schubert compositions is his “Five German dances in C Major, D90”—a lilting confection showcasing all the lovely, melodic tunefulness for which the incomparable Franz Schubert is so justly renowned. But that isn’t the main reason I’m embedding this next vid of the piece; no, that would be for the delightful way the conductor, Matthias Foremny, umm, conducts himself in front of the orchestra.

Folks, that there is the living embodiment of what we mean by the phrase “a man who truly enjoys his work.” His illimitable passion; his zest; his pure heart-swelling glee comes through in every goofy facial expression, every broad smile. The way he stands nearly stock-still for extended periods, then suddenly starts leaping about, gesticulating frantically, as if someone had slipped a live scorpion down the front of his trousers, waving and grimacing, is just too damned funny. You gotta love it…which, I most certainly do. Maestro Foremni, I am definitely a fan, sir.

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