This time from Anheuser-Busch. Spencer’s title is worth a look all by itself.

Anheuser-Busch Issues Statement on Bud Light Brouhaha That Will Satisfy No One (Just Like Their Beer)

Heh. Mind, as somebody who never could stand beer, I have no dog in that particular fight.

It has been nearly two weeks now since Bud Light decided to shove transgender madness down our throats by featuring fake woman Dylan Mulvaney in its advertising, and only on Friday did Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth emerge from his bunker and offer a statement to try to tamp down the controversy. But in this hour of crisis for his company, which has lost $6 billion and counting in market value since Mulvaney became the Queen of Bud Light, Whitworth tried to satisfy everyone, and will only end up satisfying no one at all.

Most of Whitworth’s statement was just blather. “As the CEO of a company founded in America’s heartland more than 165 years ago,” he began, “I am responsible for ensuring every consumer feels proud of the beer we brew.” Now wait a minute, Whitworth. You may be proud of the beer you brew, although that would be a stretch given that it’s Budweiser, but you expect those who buy the beer to be proud of it, too? I’ve drunk a beer or two in my time, although I’ve generally avoided Bud, and I’ve never said or heard anyone else say, “I sure am proud of this beer.” Why would anyone feel proud of the beer he’s drinking? Does Brendan Whitworth feel a similar pride in the food he eats? Does he exclaim at lunch, “I am so darn proud of this ham sandwich!”?

This is a peculiarly twenty-first century form of blather. We’re supposed to be proud of everything now, even perversions and mental illnesses. And since Whitworth is writing to, among others, people who loudly proclaim how proud they are that Dylan Mulvaney is pretending to be a woman, his choice of words is unlikely to have been reflexive or accidental. He seems to be trying to sidle up to the gay pride folks without actually mentioning them straight out.

Whitworth informs us that he spent “time serving this country” and reminds us of “the importance of accountability,” even as he is in the process of evading accountability. “As CEO of Anheuser-Busch, I am focused on building and protecting our remarkable history and heritage. I care deeply about this country, this company, our brands and our partners. I spend much of my time traveling across America, listening to and learning from our customers, distributors and others.” Okay. So what about Dylan Mulvaney?

“Moving forward,” says the proud Brendan, “I will continue to work tirelessly to bring great beers to consumers across our nation.” Terrific. But…what about Dylan Mulvaney?

That was it. Brendan Whitworth went back into his bunker without saying a thing about why everyone was paying attention to his statement in the first place.

He’s right; I read the whole sorry statement earlier, and nowhere will you find any mention whatsoever of the very thing that sparked this whole controversy in the first damned place. Which is understandable, of course, when viewed from the position of an A-B exec. After all, the goal here is to get pissed-off Bud Light drinkers to STOP talking about it, not to spur on further discussion.

C’mon, everyone, let’s just move on, can’t we? It never happened, I don’t know what you’re talking about, and it was three other guys who did it! LOOK, OVER THERE, A SQUIRREL!

Bud Light is in a similar position to the one Harley-Davidson was some years back: an aging customer base, falling profits, dwindling interest among younger people in their products. I remembering reading an interview with some H-D exec or other discussing these very issues back when the Motor Company was down and very nearly out, and how it might possibly be resuscitated.

And shortly after I saw that article, behold! Harley’s big break with the tradition that originally made them, the V-Rod, was introduced. A truly radical departure from H-D’s legendary cruiser/touring bikes, with a brand-new Porsche-designed engine and groundbreaking (for Harley) cosmetics that dispensed with the classic Harley styling—fatbob tanks;  casual, laid-back seating position; wide bars; low to the ground; lots of eye-grabbing chrome—the V Rod was actually quite a success, at least in the overseas market.

Car & Driver said Harley-Davidson’s branding was “culturally rather than technologically driven; so imagine our surprise at seeing the company’s newest ride, the V-Rod, complete with a liquid-cooled DOHC four-valve V-twin developed in partnership with Porsche Engineering.” They added, “we think the V-Rod is a serious threat to its own stablemates as well as to cruisers from other manufacturers. It’s that good”.

Motorcycle Cruiser wrote “The V-Rod was intended to bring in more than the usual suspects, and it did. It became the company’s best-selling bike in other countries. In America, V-Rod buyers often came from other brands, attracted by its modern engine, excellent performance and not-the-usual-cruiser style”.

Gee, coinkydink? I think NOT.

What Harley managed to achieve with its market-base-extending new offering, A-B now hopes to pull off with its tranny-sicko ad campaign: lure in some new customers, and keep them. Just one problem with that, though.

Pro-sanity activist Matt Walsh remarked, “Anheuser Busch has finally released a statement, and it’s just as clumsy and stupid as the marketing stunt that got them into this mess in the first place.” He added, “The statement won’t satisfy their conservative customers because there is no apology or acknowledgment of wrong. And it won’t satisfy the Left because it doesn’t affirm transgenderism and admits at least (without using the word) that the trans issue ‘divides people.’” And most importantly, Walsh said, “the boycott is still on.”

Brendan Whitworth has thus accomplished nothing. And of course, he had extremely little room to maneuver. He couldn’t possibly disavow Dylan Mulvaney without enraging the Left and opening up his company to new boycotts, as well as to the possibility of violence against innocent Bud distributors and stores selling the product. But he couldn’t affirm that the Mulvaney campaign was a great idea without further alienating the patriots who are already making the company feel the heat in their declining market value. So he tried to balance between two barstools and fell off both.

Aww, too bad. My heart just bleeds for them, really it does. Red, that would be, not rainbow-hued.

After being saved by a timely goobermint tarriff increase in 83, the Harley Davidson Motor Company was able to make itself competitive on market ground which had shifted under its very feet, thanks in no part to the Big Four cabal of Jap-bike makers’ diabolically-cunning strategy to destroy the American motorcycle industry by flooding the market with cheap,  lightweight, durable, low-maintenance bikes—a move that actually saw a large portion of their own US dealership franchises driven out of business, having been forced to sell their wares at suicidal, below-cost prices due to the low skullduggery of the rice-burner manufacturers.

Question now is, in a world in which beer-drinkers have long since moved on to pricey boutique-beer, in the main brewed and sold locally, will there ever again be a significant market for the watery, limp pisswater cranked out by companies like A-B? Beer having (d)evolved from being something of a lowbrow preference to snobbish poofery? We shall see, we shall see.

Update! Further thoughts from Bill, who, like myself, is highly dubious of the notion that boycotts and the like ever accomplish much of anything.