GIVE TIL IT HURTS!

Funny ha-ha

Swiped this ‘un from our boy Ken, just ‘cuz it got a snicker out of grouchy old me.

Heh. Also, *snort, chortle!* On reflection, I suspect the main reason this groaner got me to giggling so was the reminder of how overjoyed I was back when Madeleine began to show the first early signs that her early-toddler-years fascination with godawful puns was beginning to wear off at last.

For CA

So after noting WRSA’s post of what has got be one of Bob Dylan’s best-ever compositions (nota bene: I am NOT, nor have I ever been, a huge fan of Dylan’s), it occurred to me that I really ought to return the favor with what I think to be a considerable one-up: what has got to be the most beautiful version of said composition you’re ever gonna hear.

Gorgeous, simply gorgeous, si? So gorgeous, in fact, that you can practically hear your heart breaking. As perfect an example of the soul-stirring power of truly good music as you could ever hope to hear, this one is—especially on that last verse, when the vocal harmony line joins in and transforms the song from “pure genius” to “choir of angels” levels of beauty. Everyone involved with this arrangement, performance, and recording ought to be damned proud of their work on it.

Will no one rid me of this troublesome priest?

86 Comey, and 23 Skiddoo to you too, pal.


Steyn provides a little historical background.

Back in the Nineties, I used the term “eighty-six” in The Sunday Telegraph in London. It not being an expression familiar to Britannic ears, my editor demanded I explain it to readers, which proved rather complicated:

It apparently started in the Thirties as soda-fountain slang for an item that was not available: “I’ll have a chocolate malt, please.” “Eighty-six on that.” It quickly evolved to become the act of making something unavailable by killing it. On Broadway long ago, I once heard a producer instruct his director: “Eighty-six the dance number.” To a certain type of ne’er-do-well, it then advanced further to become a synonym for making you unavailable in a more permanent sense by putting you in a concrete overcoat and lowering you into the East River. To explain all that to non-Americans would have taken up half the column, so I eighty-sixed the “eighty-six” and replaced it with the more familiar “off” (per Webster’s, intransitive verb: “to kill, murder”).

Yet we are now expected to believe, even in the dirty stinkin’ rotten corrupt craphole of federal law enforcement, that James Comey could ascend to the heights of FBI director, the head G-man lui-même, without ever having a clue that “some folks associate those numbers with violence.”

As far too many Americans have come to learn, a citizen “lying” to the FBI is in big trouble. But an FBI man lying to the citizenry can do so with impunity. Yet “86 47” does not seem capable of being interpreted in any way other than a call for the violent termination of the lawfully elected president. So we have the most famous FBI honcho since J Edgar Hoover selling sea-shell arrangements on the sea shore and encouraging another shot at the President after two actual assassination attempts, one of which came within millimeters of blowing Trump’s skull apart on live TV. At the very least, it suggests that this weird creepy dweeb is too psychologically unhealthy ever to have been permitted anywhere near the Director’s office.

It is not normal to have a public discourse where senior civil servants are slavering for the murder of their political opposition. Have Comey’s official portraits in the Hoover building gone the way of Thoroughly Modern Milley’s in the Pentagon? UPDATE! DNI Tulsi Gabbard wants him “behind bars”. Preach it, sister.

Amen to that, brother Steyn. The whole godawful gang oughta be locked up in the hoosegow for the duration, beginning with the execrable Comey and working our way down from there: Fauci, Brennan, all the RussiaRussiaRussia “collusion” hoaxters, Pencil-Neck Schittforbrains, the Bribem Crime Family entire, &c.

Uncool update! After hilariously batting the Comey Seashell Blunder about for a bit, Kunstler gets down to serious funtime with Fake Jake Fapper, his co-author Alex Thompson, and the rest of the journ-o-rrhoids currently professing themselves to be shocked—SHOCKED!—to learn of something the rest of the country (or hell, the whole world) had been observing with their own lying eyes all along. To wit:

Also, not so cool, in the grand annals of the resistance, is the new book Original Sin: President Biden’s Decline, Its Cover-Up, and His Disastrous Choice to Run Again, by journalists (cough cough) Jake Tapper (of CNN) and Alex Thompson (Axios). The book purports to explain how the entire governance apparatus of the USA hid the mental decline of “Joe Biden,” the phantom president. Realize, please, that the news media is a vital part of that apparatus, and has been since the invention of the printing press, with its crucial role (until lately) as a regulating mechanism on the engine of public affairs.

In fact, it is precisely the role of the news media to notice things that public officials try to hide, so as to keep citizens apprised of what is really going on. And that is exactly what the news media intentionally declined to do during the four years of “Joe Biden.” But then, at least half the country, seeing “Joe Biden” in action on video, did not fail to notice his ever-worsening feeble bewilderment. Tapper and Thompson seek to shift the blame for this game of Pretend onto the gremlins behind the scenes in the White House who ran the “Joe Biden” show.

Tapper and Thompson are lying, of course, and in exactly the same brazen way as the bigwigs in the Democratic Party who sponsored this treasonous fraud. Jake Tapper, for one, stated repeatedly on-the-air from 2021 onward that “Joe Biden” was a capable and effective chief executive and denounced anybody who tried to argue otherwise. Just as Thompson, while accepting the Award for Overall Excellence at the White House Correspondents’ Annual Dinner in April, lied saying, “We, myself included, missed a lot of this story.” Really? Then what, exactly, was “excellent” about his reporting?

Once they got going with that business model in 2016, they wrecked the news media’s credibility. And virtually everything after that has been an ongoing cover-up for their dishonorable malfeasance and the crimes of the party they fronted for. But the levers of power are in other hands now. There will be consequences for government officials who go to war against the people of this land, committing sedition and treason. Suggesting the murder of a president on social media is no light matter. By the time this blog is up, officers of the Secret Service may be visiting Mr. Comey at home. No need to batter down the front door with guns drawn, though. That would be so un-cool.

T’is a consummation devoutly to be wished, certainly. But I wouldn’t be holding my breath waiting for it if I were you.

Unexpected update! Might my earlier assessment have been a wee bit, umm, premature? Could be, could be.


Via Insty. As is so often the case, I’d be quite happy to be proven all wet on this one, folks. If the above report turns out to be accurate, I’d guess we have dear old Tulsi Gabbard to thank for it, bless her stout, undauntable heart. Along with Hegseth, whom I also have high expectations for, she may very well turn out to be one of the very best of Trump v2.0’s hires; among other things, she really does seem to be dialed in perfectly to the MAGA frequency, IMHO.

Last word update! Gotta be Bayou Peter’s.

The expression “to 86 someone” is a well-known reference to killing them; and President Trump is the 47th President of the United States. The message was instantly understandable to anyone who knows modern slang and “street talk”. For Mr. Comey to deny that he was aware of that hidden message is so ridiculous as to defy belief. As a prison chaplain, I heard similar expressions almost every day from gang-bangers intent on murdering a rival, or a snitch, or anyone they regarded as a threat. Street cops heard it far more than I did.

Sorry, Mr. Comey, but I simply don’t believe you. Your excuse doesn’t pass the “smell test”.

So . . . what does one do with a former Director of the FBI who has publicized a message that calls for the murder of our President? If he denies in court that he meant, or understood, any such thing, how can we prove he’s lying? The fact that any law enforcement professional or associate knows exactly what that message means can’t be used to call him a liar – to do that, one has to be able to prove that he knows/knew that he was lying. Implication or “common knowledge” is not evidence admissible in court.

This is what the progressive left does all the time. They call for crime and violence, while “disguising” – sometimes very thinly – the reality of their message. Criminals do it all the time, too.

Mayhem-pimping progtards, violent criminal thugs—waitwaitwait, you telling me there’s a meaningful distinction to be made betwixt the two or sumpin’?

As for “what does one do…” with a smarmy, slimery little rumpswab like Comey: unfortunately, the concept of the Rule Of Law doesn’t leave civilized people with a whole lot of wiggle-room on this. Yes, we all know deep down inside what ought to be done about/to/with “people” of his stripe—the phrase pour encourager les autres springs immediately to mind at this crucial juncture—but there’s a bright red line holding us back from going all-in, kicking ass without even pretending to care about taking names. Ultimately, we should probably all be thankful for the practical restraint which reins in our darker impulses, however frustrating it might be in circumstances like these. If there’s a pat, one-size-fits-all answer to this thorn-rife dilemma, I sure couldn’t tell ya what it is.

At the end of the day, I suppose, we can only content ourselves with the frail hope that, when the time for vigilantism, violence, and mob retribution against lying Stasi goons of James Comey’s loathsome breed arrives at long last, we’ll recognize that it has, and can then govern our behavior accordingly. Admittedly, “trust your instincts” isn’t exactly the sturdiest hook to hang an entire civilizational/societal construct from, but for the nonce it’s all we got. As our Founding Fathers innately understood, once the bullets have begun to fly you’ve passed the Point Of No Return—the only way out from there is to square your shoulders, grit your teeth, stiffen your resolve, shoulder your weapon, and slog straight on through to the (bitter?) end.

Can any of us propose with much or any real certainty that the Founders’ unswerving faith in the righteousness of their cause was so powerful, so all-consuming, that it simply didn’t permit them to even imagine the possibility of defeat at British hands? Did the OG Patriots’ religious faith shore up their absolute conviction of ultimate victory over the hated Redcoats to such an extent? With the confidence and clarity born of 20/20 hindsight (not to even mention the verdict of history), such speculation becomes effortless, the lone conclusion altogether obvious in contemporary eyes. Even so, it doesn’t seem entirely reasonable to think that, as Washington made his tortuous crossing of the ice-clogged Delaware River that storm tossed, inky-black night, he wasn’t gnawed the whole trip by serious doubts as to what the outcome of this life-or-death struggle he and his ragtag “army” had fallen ass-backwards into might eventually turn out to be.

After the passage of so very many years since that darkest of American nights, who among us would dare claim ourselves capable of identifying so closely with General Washington and his bedraggled, half-starved, nigh-frozen, exhausted men that we might somehow see those historic events as their own eyes beheld them? Not me, that’s for sure. Reviewing the writings of those extraordinary men at the time—private correspondence, broadsheet op-eds, rabble-rousing propaganda pamphlets, high-minded philosophical essays, and such-like—the blanket rejection of tyranny and fervent devotion to liberty, independence, and individual self-determination proclaimed so passionately therein certainly seems to have been sufficient to see those uniquely doughty, intrepid souls through the hardship, deprivation, and major setbacks of all and every sort, allowing their small band of like-minded Revolutionaries to wrest a new nation for themselves and their posterity from the once-steely but steadily-loosening clutches of the mightiest King on Earth at the time, come what may.

What strikes me as perhaps the most incredible aspect of all is that our noble Founders’ words, thoughts, ideals, and heroic deeds are all but ignored in American public schools in our own era, rather than being respected, reverenced, and studied intently as exemplars for contemporary Americans to model their own lives upon as they of right ought to be, as in fact they deserve to be. The thought of some wooden-headed fourth-grade teacher making mock of the Father of His Country for his wooden dentures or sermonizing about Thomas Jefferson as just another despicable slave-owning chaser of that sweet, sweet Brown Sugar before a classroom of giggling airheads is sick-making to me, it truly is. The one and only saving grace I can come up with here is that said giggling fourth-graders aren’t paying any attention to Teach anyhow; hey, they never do, amIright?

This weird attitude adjustment is more than just bizarre, it’s downright incomprehensible to me. In any event, the radical shift from profound admiration of our Founding Fathers and their world-altering deeds to near-total indifference for them—a course willfully, knowingly charted by ill-intentioned malefactors as part of a broader agenda—has proven gravely injurious to our once-great nation and Her people alike, as well as to the future prospects (if any) of both.

How do we fix all this? Again: don’t know, can’t say, won’t even attempt to right now. The one and only thing I DO feel certain of is that, at some point, the whole shebang is going to necessarily come down to shooting and bloodshed, most likely a great deal of both—more than any of us cares to think about, in fact. As history’s greatest cavalry officer, the peerless Nathan Bedford Forrest, famously summed up, “War means fighting, and fighting means killing.” It ain’t comfortable, it ain’t soothing, it’s pretty darned scary to think about for very long, but…well, as I always say, here we all are nevertheless.

The sad, inescapable fact of life in Amerika v2.0 is that men who would be free cannot live peaceably cheek-by-jowl alongside Leftists—it’s unpossible, for the very simple reason that Leftists won’t allow it. “Peaceable coexistence” is against their fundamental nature as bred-in-the-bone Leftards; they couldn’t change this even if they wanted to—which, if their readily-observable public behavior is any guide (PRO TIP: it is) they assuredly do NOT. If the last sixty-eighty years or thereabouts of ever-escalating confrontation, strife, and prideful, in-your-face interference, intrusion, and obnoxious personal vituperation being thrown our way at any time, in any place, for any reason or for no reason at all, ought to’ve taught Real Americans just one single lesson, this would have to be it.

CHANGE it? For Heaven’s sake, why would Leftards ever even dream of doing such an outlandish thing as that? How very silly, just complete twaddle; after all, in their stunted, enfeebled minds they’re the Good People, vastly superior in every conceivable sense to us greedy, bigoted, ign’ant, selfish, unevolved Bad People. Moreover, they’re right and we’re wrong, on pretty much every topic, policy, and/or issue you can think of.

Labor unceasingly to undo—by hook, crook, or extra-judicial decree—the results of the last election, after several years of whinging bitterly about their opponents allegedly doing the selfsame thing? Of COURSE they are! Duh Peepul chose poorly last time ’round, so they must be punished for their blind stupidity, piss-poor decision-making skills, and abject disregard for Muh Sacred Democracy™, which to Leftards is merely another, slightly wordier way of saying Government. Fucking slope-browed ridge-runners!

Hound the duly-elected President from his very first day in office until the day he departs, preferably before his term is finished and under considerable duress? You betcher! Fabricate from whole cloth an extensive litany of “felonies,” most of which aren’t even against the law at all, either local, State, or Federal, then clout said duly-elected sitting President about the head, neck, and shoulders with his supposed “crimes” without surcease, on every “news” program willing to book you for an appearance? MOAR, pleeze! Cobble together a weak-tea rotogravure of “articles of impeachment,” not a one of which even approaches legal justification to impeach? OH, you kid!

Hurl an assortment of slanders, smears, and baseless lies in the teeth of the sitting President accusing the poor fellow of everything from forcible rape of a butt-ugly, badly-aging serial rape-accuser in the Ladies’ Shoes department of a toney NYC department store to maniacally slashing the throats of Underprivileged Children Of Color with a dull butter knife on Pennsylvania Ave in broad daylight before a whole slew of eyewitnesses to declaring the US officially a Russian vassal-state being run by, for, and from the Kremlin to cheating on his high school senior-year math exam to ohh, you name it, then mindlessly regurgitate said opprobrious calumnies into every live microphone which intersects your immediate plane of vision as if they were all nothing but the God’s honest truth.

All this and worse being the case, then, all of it being dutifully pimped and parroted by the Straitjacket Left continually, ‘round the clock day and night 24-7-365, and it appears to me that direct, violent conflict with the batshit Left has now become a matter of “when” and not “if”; no longer is violent intranational struggle a distant albeit regrettable possibility which might still somehow be forestalled before any real harm has been done but a literal, widely-accepted inevitability—no getting around this one, not for you, not for me, not for anybody, no way Jose.

Once again, I refer you to Mike’s Iron Law #873 for a concise explication of what brought this unpleasant, dangerously toxic state of affairs crashing down around our ears all unlooked for, right out of a clear blue sky, as it were. Think of it, say, as one of those mid-summer Southern hit ’n’ run cloudbursts that come roaring in out of nowhere, raise immortal hell all over the place for about five-ten minutes, then are gone like spit on a skillet, leaving things even hotter, steamier, and more intolerably muggy than they had been before the T-boomer blew through and you’ll have the basic idea of what I’m talking about here. The grass and/or mud will be completely dry again in about half an hour, the streets, sidewalks, driveways, and/or other paved surfaces a little longer than that thanks to the inches-deep puddles in the runoff areas.

Just another example of something I’d sincerely LOVE to be proved all wet about, but can’t honestly say I expect to be.

Buncha clowns, clowning around

Our old blog-bud Ken Layne has posted the coolest friggin’ GIF you’re ever gonna see; hopefully it’ll work properly over here as well, although if it doesn’t, don’t hate me ‘cause I’m beautiful, y’all. If not, you can always check out the original here, number 5.

Send in the clowns, there ought to be clowns

Now THAT’s what I call a RODEO, bubba!

Update! Nope, no joy, looks like; just a static image instead of an auto-repeating animation like it’s s’posed to be. Ah well, go check it out at Ken’s joint, you’ll be glad you did.

Classy classical music

Speaking of feel-good posts, here’s one I think you’ll enjoy: the closing section (ie, the Rozek or Little Corner) of Leoš Janáček’s Moravian Dances for orchestra. It’s short, but so sweet it might spike your blood-sugar level to unheard-of heights.

I’ve heard this soothing, laid-back piece a bajillion times on the radio without bothering to find out anything about the composer until this very afternoon. Turns out, he was a fairly interesting fella, just as most of the other less well-known composers I was pig-ignorant about until I finally buckled down and undertook a little snooping on the Innarnuts.

Leoš Janáček (born July 3, 1854, Hukvaldy, Moravia, Austrian Empire—died Aug. 12, 1928, Ostrava, Czech.) was a composer, one of the most important exponents of musical nationalism of the 20th century.

Janáček was a choirboy at Brno and studied at the Prague, Leipzig, and Vienna conservatories. In 1881 he founded a college of organists at Brno, which he directed until 1920. He directed the Czech Philharmonic Orchestra from 1881 to 1888 and in 1919 became professor of composition at the Prague Conservatory. Deeply interested in folk music, he collected folk songs with František Bartoš and between 1884 and 1888 published the journal Hudební Listy (Musical Pages). His first opera, Šárka (1887–88; produced 1925), was a Romantic work in the spirit of Wagner and Smetana. In his later operas he developed a distinctly Czech style intimately connected with the inflections of his native speech and, like his purely instrumental music, making use of the scales and melodic characteristics of Moravian folk music. His most important operas were Jenůfa (original title, Její pastorkyňa, 1904; Her Foster Daughter), which established Janáček’s international reputation; Věc Makropulos (1926; The Makropulos Case), Z mrtvého domu (1930; From the House of the Dead ), the two one-act satirical operas Výlet pana Broučka do Mĕsíce (Mr. Brouček’s Excursion to the Moon) and Výlet pana Broučka do XV stol (Mr. Brouček’s Excursion to the 15th Century), both performed in Prague in 1920, and the comic opera Příhody Lišky Bystroušky (1924; The Cunning Little Vixen). His operas are marked by a skilled use of music to heighten dramatic impact.

His choral works also show his manner of modelling the writing for voices on the inflections of his native language, most significantly the Glagolská mše (1926; Glagolitic Mass), also called the Slavonic or Festival Mass. It is written in the liturgical language Old Slavonic, but because it uses instruments it cannot be performed in the Orthodox Church service. His song cycles Zápisník zmizelého (1917–19; Diary of One Who Vanished) and Řikadla (1925–27; Nursery Rhymes) are also notable.

Like I said, fairly interesting—even though he seems never to have

  • Robbed any banks
  • Got drunk as a boiled owl, ambled around aimlessly for a few hours, then curled up and slept on any sidewalks, just so’s he could say he did it
  • Punched out a cop for no discernable reason, then ran away with his cop-hat
  • Abandoned his devoted, patient wife and two kids to run off with some wanton hussy years younger than him
  • Caroused wildly at all-night parties he regularly threw at his home—the guest list consisting mostly of fellow rowdy-musician friends (bringing their instruments along for the inevitable enrage-the-neighbors jam session, natch) all of whom were every bit as wild as Janáček himself was, including a bevy of the aforementioned wanton hussies who were all ditto—closely aping the drunken, lecherous, scandalizing carryings-on of one Wolfgang Amadè Mozart, from his mid-late teens right up unti his tragic, mysterious death at 35 years too young—among plenty others of his type, class, and inclination towards madcap, pearl-clutchinjg revelry

Okay, okay, maybe Janáček WAS kinda boring, at least as far as the Intarwebz knows. It’s still a great tune he wrote; even if he fell way short of the lofty standard upheld by most of us party-hearty musician types, from his era right up until last night’s After Party. Ya gotta give the guy that much, anyway. He’s in pretty good compamy there: Grieg, Sibelius, Paganini, to name but three, were practically teetotallers themselves for various reasons, most of which boil down not to any personal aversion to intoxicating spirits, wild women, and/or over-the-top, all-night blowouts at some fellow musician’s pad, but simply that they had neither time for nor interest in such-like frivolities, being acutely single-minded and purposive regarding their art and/or career.

Heck-far, even the incredible Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky wasn’t a big drinker, despite being a born and raised vodka-swilling Rooskie—although a big ol’ passel of music critics, historians, and fully-credentialed Professors of Music, all widely respected, serious-minded, and well-regarded men, blame his untimely death in part on the effect of many years of not-infrequent overindulgence in alcohol. Then again, others insist that Tchaikovsky committed suicide by intentionally infecting himself with cholera, which seems pretty far-fetched to me, so who knows.

From an eartly age and throughout his too-brief life, Tchaikovsky struggled with extended bouts of depression; anxiety over his homosexuality; monumental, everlasting grief over the untimely loss of his mother from…you guessed it, cholera; deep, unattenuated doubts about his own musical talent and ability, exacerbated by his home nation’s repeated rejection of his work as just not good enough; vicious scorn and mockery for his compositions hurled at him by his music-playing and/or -composing peers, blowhard critics, and scholarly, snootily above-it-all music historians. With all that going on, it was a miracle the poor, sorely-beset man managed to write any music at all, much less the remarkable, unique, literally music-world-altering music he produced. Confronted by a raging torrent of condemnation and a virtual tsunami of self-doubt, Tchaikovsky persevered and doggedly kept at it, for which superhuman resolve the whole world can be thankful.

Think of it: Fantasy Overture to Romeo and Juliet? Swan Lake? The 1812 Overture? The Nutcracker Suite, fer Christ’s sweet sake? T’would be a dark, dismal world indeed had Tchaikovaksky’s critics prevailed, thus depriving us all of those classic, unforgettable works. Fuck me runnin’, but those four pieces alone are entirely gorgeous, so far removed from Ordinary as to be unparalleled,, profoundly moving, Platonic ideals of the composer’s art—whatever the critics back in the day might’ve thought, said, or done, the fuggin’ tin-eared morons. Sheeit, Christmas just wouldn’t be very merry without Nutcracker on heavy-rotation at every local classical-music radio station, regardless of where “local” might happen to be for you.

It’s positively stupefying to me; although I haven’t heard all of Tchaikovsky’s copious compositional archive (yet), everything I have heard—which is a fair and steadily-increasing percentage, happily—I’ve loved straightaway. That so many supposedly knowledgable, competent, serious-minded “professionals” would so cruelly, wantonly torment and harass this supremely gifted artist for his peerless creations—very nearly destroying the man, his career, and his prospective legacy apurpose—makes the mind boggle and reel, it truly does.

It reduces the mind to that distinctly unpleasant, dead-drunk, confused, can’tfindmykeyswherethebleedin’HelldidIparkthecarandjustwhichdirectionishomeanyway? state of cognitive dysfunction and/or disarray. NOTA BENE: this knee-walking-drunk sensation has been known now and again to creep up on people who haven’t so much as smelled any hard likker in a cpl–three days. So watch out, that’s all. Vigilance, my boy—constant, strict, untiring vigilance. It’s the only way.

High-school drunk or stone-cold sober; frequent over-imbiber or scowling, pinch-faced abstainer; day-drinking, breadfruit-beschnozzed old soak or active, card-carrying member of the Reinstate Prohibition NOW League; jolly, red-faced career barstool-holder-downer or prim and proper old biddy whose perfervid, passionate commitment to seeing any- and everything containing alcohol of any kind, in any amount (including but by no means limited to cough syrup, household cleaning products, rubbing alcohol, &C,) banned once and for all is as plaih as the knobby, saggy-skinned knees peeping out from below the hem of her nothing-special, dark-colored, so thick it’s completely opaque even to infrared devices, matronly skirt—if you haven’t experienced this dreadful phenomenon before, take it from one who knows whereof he speaks: it t’ain’t no fun a-tall. Not even a weency little smidge, it ain’t.

Illicit production and/or consumption of Satan’s Own HellBrew to be punishable, by the by, via swift and sure execution sans benefit of trial in open court before a duly-empaneled jury of the defendant’s peers—12 men good and true, as the old saw has it—presided over by (in my dreams) an honest, unbiased judge, unapologetically a strict Constructionist of the Old School, tough but unfailingly fair. Along with the (former, now expunged by decree of MADD) right to appeal and/or judicial review of the dangerous criminal’s richly-deserved and/or morally-impeccable sentence.

From the present-day perspective, the persecution of Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky calls to mind a marauding pack of jackals swooping in on their slow, half-crippled prey—albeit much uglier, more brutal, more senseless, and more incomprehensible than previous mindless-pack style assaults. As Tchaikovsky’s reputation and appreciation for his work continues to grow—soar, even—the bitter, crazed attacks against the man and his music from then-peers, even the governments of several nation-states, come to look more and more bizarre right along with the sadly-belated jubilee of praise. Y’know, precisely as things ought to be but too rarely are, not once the slavering jackal-pack has begun to bay, howl, snarl, and snap.

Too bad said critics are well past their sell-by date, so tying em all up to a big ol’ oak tree, pouring honey over their shriveled nutsacks, and leaving ‘em to either starve to death or be eaten alive by whole colonies of hungry red ants, both worker-drones and Queens together, is right out, alas. Too bad, too, that sail foams and YewToob weren’t around back then either, so’s we could hire a ready-and-willing team of eager young cameramen standing by in shifts to capture and live-stream the final wretched agonies of the critics in real time—close-up zoom-ins on the screams and desperate pleas for a nonexistent mercy that will never come, if you please, with my humble thanks to one and all for the excellent work.

Five to ten million views in the first hour, I guesstimate, ratcheting up steadily from there as the agony intensifies; the screams alternating between louder, then more hoarse-voiced; the hunger pangs begin to really bite, HARD; and the utter hopelessness of their godawful plight starts to sink in for reals. Speaking as a guy who’s never watched a live-stream, podcast, or any other such space-age gimcrackery and has exactly zero (0) plans to rethink my grouchy-old-coot indifference towards This Modern World Of Ours And All Its Wonders at this late date, I’d definitely tune in to this thrice-worthy production and watch my own self, start to finish, until the point when my eyeballs were bleeding and my skull had cracked wide-ass open—the better to plop revolting, densely-coiled, whacking great gobbets of my own personal grey matter all over the pricey, ostensibly authentic Persian living-room rug with, my dear. Hey, gullible customer, we have paperwork out back in our warehouse which documents your beautiful new rug’s authenticity; give me just a few minutes to run on back to the warehouse and fetch it so’s you can look it all over to your own satisfaction, ‘kay? BE RIGHT BACK…

*Checks watch; checks watch AGAIN; forces himself not to look at aforementioned wrist-mounted timepiece until an excruciatingly sloooow five full minutes has elapsed before allowing himself to check watch one last time, just for old-times’ sake; shakes head ruefully, disappointedly; exits store; starts car; drives back home; pauses before struggling out of car to send up an audible, impromptu prayer conveying his boundless, most untrammeled, heartfelt, and sincere gratitude to Almighty God for His Heavenly Generosity in preventing His Earthly, steeped-in-sin servant from making a complete ass of himself for the umpty-leven-millionth time. So far this year, that would be.*

Bound to be the laff riot of the late 19th/early 20th century, I’m thinking—more solid yoks than a Catskills Jewish Stand-up Comics convention; more raucous belly-laughs than watching some fat old rummy weave, wobble, and blind-stagger his way to wherever he thinks (mistakenly, like as not) the closest Mens Room at the local dive-bar is situated, his protruding, flabby gut shielding him from potential injuries sustained in numberless hard, wicked-sharp collisions with the bar, the walls, the tables, other unsuspecting bar patrons—although, in a pinch, End-Stage-Middle-Age Rum-A-Dum-Dummy is perfectly happy to make do with the Ladies, provided he can sneak inside there without any of his fellow barflies noticing his at best marginally-stealthy Ladies Room duck ’n’ dive, a faux pas most grievous which is looked at very much askance amongst the more polite, tasteful, culturally-refined and highly-Evolved, most discerning elements of the broader Society, perhaps even straight-up illegal to boot; more fun, ultimately, than the proverbial barrel of monkeys, believe it or leave it.

Mal’s Soliloquy

Brilliant speech, from a truly brilliant movie.

 

Transcription of the critical passage.

This report is maybe 12 years old. Parliament buried it, and it stayed buried ’til River dug it up.

This is what they feared she knew. And they were right to fear ’cause there’s a whole universe of folk who’re gonna know it, too. They’re gonna see it.

Somebody has to speak for these people.

Y’all got on this boat for different reasons, but y’all come to the same place. So now I’m askin’ more of you than I have before. Maybe all.

As sure as I know anything, I know this: They will try again. Maybe on another world. Maybe on this very ground swept clean. A year from now, 10, they’ll swing back to the belief that they can make people…better. And I do not hold to that.

So no more runnin’.

I aim to misbehave.

Scariest, most disturbing bit in bold (mine, natch), which sounds altogether too familiar nowadays. Then again, the entire thing does, when you think about it. It isn’t prophetic or foresighted so much as it is simply observational—a tidy, concise summation of the liberal mindset, that’s all. Even scarier yet? The Firefly/Serenity saga is set in the early 26th century. Guess with shitlibs, certain things really ARE eternal, and/or immutable.

Firefly; Serenity; CAPT Malcolm Reynolds; the rest of the intrepid Firefly crew; the marvelously quirky, ear-catching dialogue (always struck me as pretty dang cool, how the Mother Tongue changed and evolved betwixt now and 2516; my first round of watching the TV show on DVD, I found myself needing to pay closer-than-usual attention when the characters were speaking or it would get by me altogether); the freewheeling philosophy of uncompromising liberty, independence, and individual self-determination which underpins the whole kit and kaboodle—all born of the creative genius, febrile mind, and artistic vision of Joss Whedon. The show and the movie both are bona fide gems: a stunning achievement of writing, casting, acting, SFX, and staging that would do even the most high-minded, talented dramatist proud indeed.

So can someone explain to me, then, just how it is that Whedon is nevertheless such a dyed in the wool, conventional-thinking liberal, please? Because quite frankly, I’m having big, big trouble getting that math to add up. I gotta confess I’ve always stunk out loud at math, so could be it’s just me, I dunno.

In any event, I mean, seriously now, you guys: the passage in bold above, and the standard-issue, Mark 1-Mod 0 Left/liberal flapdoodle approvingly, even mawkishly, cited at the above-linked Mother Jones (*shudder*) article/interview/fellatio-rama—all coming out of the SAME FUCKING MOUTH? RILLY?!?

I just don’t get it. Not all that sure I want to, to be perfectly honest. Greatly to his credit and in marked contrast with the dismal example set by his peers, Whedon doesn’t for a single second allow his mundane, wet-brained political beliefs to impinge on the Firefly and Serenity viewing experience. One can kick back, relax, and immerse oneself completely in the thrills, chills, and pleasures of the Firefly universe without ever once having to dread that you’re gonna be preached to at some point.

This, even though the character of preacherman Shepherd Book provides Whedon with what might easily be considered a purpose-built opportunity to ascend the pulpit and start in sermonizing. But no, nothing of the sort. Book spends most of his onscreen time questioning himself and his own wobble-legged faith rather than hectoring others about their own, although he does offer spiritual and/or moral advice to anyone who ask for such—carefully, thoughtfully, without passing judgment or scorning the foibles of his shipmates. Humble, questing, open-hearted, warm, a people-person if ever there was one—I always felt that Shepherd Book was one of the most appealing, engaging, and intriguing characters in a cast absolutely chock-full of ‘em.

So hats off to Joss Whedon for leashing the near-universal liberal bent towards proselytizing, if nothing else. As a professed congregant of the Left/liberal/Progressivist flock with a worldwide audience that’s bigger than most, rejecting such a powerful temptation must have been almost physically painful.

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Down on the farm

Don’t recall exactly how or why, but I ran across this gem the other day, which came with an added kicker ere all was said and done.

The BPs covered this butt-rockin’ classic RaB tune for many years—a strict, straight-up rendition without any embellishment or “improvements,” not even in the guitar solo. It always got a solid response from the crowd, getting people out on the dance floor with a quickness to shake their booties joyously. But that additional kicker I mentioned? It’s in the YewToob comments section.

Crazy, man, crazy! As Fate would have it, Poe and his Poe Kats have a pretty storied history their own selves, which goes well beyond big Al Downing and “Down On The Farm.”

Bobby Nelson Poe, Sr. (April 13, 1933 – January 22, 2011), also known as The Poe Kat, was an American musician who had a long and varied career in the music business.

Bobby Poe was born in Vinita, Oklahoma. In the mid-1950s, he formed Bobby Poe and The Poe Kats, which featured African-American piano player Big Al Downing, lead guitar player Vernon Sandusky and drummer Joe Brawley. Bobby Poe and The Poe Kats were also Rockabilly Queen Wanda Jackson’s first Rock and Roll backing band. They toured with Wanda and can also be found on her early Capitol Records recordings, including the Rockabilly classic “Let’s Have a Party”. Bobby, Wanda, Big Al and Vernon are all members of the Rockabilly Hall of Fame.

Bobby Poe and The Poe Kats came to the attention of Sam Phillips of Sun Records with their first recorded track, “Rock and Roll Record Girl”. Based on the music of the old standard “Chattanooga Shoe Shine Boy”, “Rock and Roll Record Girl” was at first blocked from release by Wesley Rose of Acuff-Rose because of that fact. By the time all of the legal hurdles were cleared, Sam Phillips was no longer interested in releasing the track. Instead, Dallas, Texas radio personality Jim Lowe stepped in and released the single on his White Rock Records label. “Rock and Roll Record Girl” backed with “Rock and Roll Boogie” became a number 1 single in the state of Texas.

After one more single for Jim Lowe’s White Rock Records entitled “Piano Nellie”, under the name of Bobby Brant and The Rhythm Rockers (which was shortly thereafter picked up and re-released by EastWest Records), Bobby Poe gave up his career as an artist to become an artist manager. His first client was Big Al Downing. In the 1960s, Poe moved to the Washington, D.C. area and expanded his operation. He managed and co-produced The Chartbusters, which featured his old bandmate Vernon Sandusky. The Chartbusters scored a Top 40 hit in 1964 with their recording “She’s The One”. Tom Hanks was quoted in People Magazine as saying The Chartbusters were one of the influences for his film “That Thing You Do!”. Vernon Sandusky went on to play guitar in Country Music Hall of Famer Roy Clark’s band for over 20 years. Bobby Poe also co-managed The British Walkers, which featured Bobby (sometimes spelled Bobbie) Howard and legendary blues guitarist Roy Buchanan.

One of the things I’ve always loved about the music biz is the wild, wild stories lurking behind even the most ordinary-seeming artists. More unexpected twists and turns than the most remote mountain blacktop, that’s for sure.

Congrats, kudos, all that jazz

The Warlord of Barsoom marks a very special milestone.

A couple days ago, Postcards From Barsoom hit the twenty-thousand-subscriber milestone. I wanted to do something on the day, but I was wrapped up finishing the Starship Troopers essay, and after that I made the mistake of catching a head cold that pretty much nuked my last couple days for anything productive.

When I started sending these Martian missives I never expected that they’d prove so popular. Twenty thousand isn’t a huge number in the grand scheme of things, but it’s a much larger audience than I’ve ever had before. My essays now routinely break the five-figure view mark, meaning that everything I write is going straight into the heads of tens of thousands of people … and, I like to flatter myself (and you), not tens of thousands of random people, but tens of thousands of highly intelligent, thoughtful, and often successful people … the kinds of people who have a greater-than-average influence on the world.

The responsibility of that weighs on me with increasing heaviness. There are consequences to ideas. Every time you say something, it has some influence on the people who hear it. On a densely connected medium such as the Internet, every thought is a sort of wave that pulses out into the collective consciousness; the more connected one is, and the more that wave resonates with connected receivers, the greater its amplitude. This doesn’t only have an effect on the people who directly read something, either. There are second-order effects: someone reads something, and this influences their thoughts, which in turn influences their own words and actions, which has an effect on the people connected to them. And then by extension there are third-order effects beyond that, cascading throughout the noosphere.

Nice to know the Substack thing is working out well for somebody, at least. My own experience over there has been a good bit less salutary, alas: just under 300 suhbscribers, nearly all of the non-paid variety, thereby rendering the financial remuneration far less than what I was assured it would be when the nice Substack lady e-mailed me to inveigle me to start posting on the account I’d set up right after Substack came online and then let lie fallow afterwards, having no clue what I was gonna do with the damned thing. Then again, I’m what you might call an “acquired taste,” I freely admit it.

In this regard, at any rate, John Carter and I have a lot in common:

I didn’t start Postcards From Barsoom with any kind of plan in mind; to be honest, I still don’t have anything that could recognizably be called a ‘plan’. There’s no niche I’m trying to carve out, no one over-riding message I’m trying to communicate. I write about whatever I find interesting enough to capture my attention, I try to be honest without pretending I’m always right, and I try to find creative angles on the subject matter, to say things that haven’t been said before, or at least to say them in a somewhat novel fashion. It’s a constant dance between poetry and science, perched on the razor edge between rigour and ridiculousness. Striking that balance while also being aware of the responsibility that a large audience entails is trickier still. Nothing crushes playfulness faster than the gravity of seriousness.

Preach it, brother-man.

Good reads

Apropos of not much, really, I just wanted to mention Tactical Hermit’s brief summation of the fire-bombings of Dresden and Tokyo towards the end of WW2, both events the impetus of a great deal of Allied angst and self-recrimination even today. Doubtless historians, scholars, and pundits will be arguing the same unanswerable questions from now until Doomsday: Were the bombings ineffectual, perhaps even pointless and unnecessary? Can we ever truly know if they hastened the final collapse of Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan by so much as a single minute? Should they be thought of as simply part and parcel of modern warfare, albeit profoundly regrettable? Or were they in fact atrocities, crimes against humanity perpetrated by unfeeling monsters against blameless civilians?

The reason I bring all this up tonight is nothing so weighty as all that, thank merciful Heaven. See, it just so happens that, thanks to Amazon’s Kindle Unlimited, I have on my sail foam a seriously gripping historical-fiction novel in ePub format titled The Air Raid Killer (Max Heller, Dresden Detective Book 1). It’s one hell of a page-turner, as author Frank Goldammer’s Detective Heller doggedly pursues a mad, quasi-human serial killer through the dead, burned-out streets of once-beautiful Dresden just before, during, and after the city’s immolation and utter destruction by several thousand RAF/USAAF HE and incendiary bombs.

Steve Anderson’s translation is absolutely flawless—not often the case with ePubs, alas. In the usual run of things, the editing and/or conversion from dead tree to ePub is so godawful it can be an active nuisance, yanking you right up out of the story by your ears to leave you staring blankly at the nearest wall. You can but shake your head in sorrow, anger, and confusion, hoping against hope that whoever committed this heinous crime against lit’ratchure wasn’t getting paid for the job. Oughta be in jail, more like.

Didn’t realize it until just now, but there’s a sequel to ARK. Yclept A Thousand Devils, Book 2 features Max Heller plying his trade in the same locality two (2) years after his hometown’s nightmarish destruction. Gonna have to add that ‘un to the ol’ KU library toot sweet and give it a look-see, soonest.

How deathless is DONE

The making of a masterpiece.

“Absence of Malice” and Why Some Movies Are Timeless
When a great satire is made, one that touches on themes that are endemic and universal to the worlds of which they make fun, what happens is that reality keeps coming back around and making those movies relevant all over again. Our tragicomic withdrawal from Afghanistan echoed the futility of the daily lives of the drafted surgeons of the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (M*A*S*H). Our seemingly aimless and ineffective attempts to counter Putin in the Ukraine can sometimes make us believe that nothing much has changed in the halls of the Pentagon since Buck Turgidson, President Muffley and General Ripper hammed it up in Dr. Strangelove’s “War Room.” And “The Player” and “Network” so perfectly skewer Hollywood and the News Media that all these years later, they remind us that almost nothing about those industries has changed over the ensuing decades.

But it’s not only comedies and satires that can achieve this kind of cultural resonance… history rhymes, if it does not repeat, as they say, and so dramatic thrillers like “Serpico”, “All The President’s Men”, “Three Days of the Condor”, “Taxi Driver” and “Death Wish” also seem more relevant than ever, these days.

In the same vein, Sydney Pollack’s 1981 masterpiece “Absence of Malice” is one of those movies that perfectly skewers its subject, an unholy alliance between the press and the very government the press is meant to hold in check. It is so well done, that the drama is timeless. A movie that seems more prescient now, than it did when it was made.

The opening credits of “Malice” show us a full edition of a local Miami newspaper being written, typeset and printed. As the paper evolves into its final form, the headlines tell us that a powerful union boss has been missing for six months and is presumed dead, and that the Justice Department, the Miami PD and the DA are under trememdous pressure to solve the case.

Post credits we meet the Federal Prosecutor in charge of that case, Elliot Rosen (Bob Balaban), who has decided that a successful liquor wholesaler named Michael Gallagher, played by Paul Newman who was still one of the best looking men in the world even at age 56, must himself be involved in the disappearance in some way. Rosen doesn’t believe this because of any evidence he’s collected, he has none at all, but because Gallagher’s deceased father was affiliated with the local anti-union mob and so, therefore, his son must also be “connected”… quod erat demonstrandum.

Later, when the Miami Dade DA asks him which crime Gallagher is suspected of committing, Rosen answers “what’s the difference?”

“So you’re squeezing him?” asks the DA.

“You got somebody better?” is Rosen’s chilling response.

Unfortunately for Rosen, the US Consitution exists, and he cannot arrest Gallagher, put him in a deep dark hole, and sweat it out of him. So, he decides to put public pressure on the businessman in hopes he will break. To do this, he targets a young cub reporter named Megan Carter, played by Sally Field, as his weapon of choice. He leaks the existence of his “investigation” to Carter who writes an article that comes up just short of accusing Gallagher of the crime, an inferred accusation which Rosen knows will embarrass the man and destroy both his social standing in Miami as well as his business… eggs, meet omelette.

By now this should all be starting to sound very familiar.

Certainly it should be to attentive CF Lifers, mainly because of this clip featuring the incomparable Wilford Brimley.

I’ve run it here again and again, and watched it even more times, and it ain’t never getting old.

Enduring classic(s)

Lakeside Joe posts the renowned Dave Brubeck chestnut, “Take Five,” the one and only hit record I know of written in 5/4 time. Joe calls it an “enduring classic,” and that it most certainly is. Reminded me of another good ‘un I’ve been hearing of late on the local jazz station I resort to when the Wokesterism and PC horseshit ceaselessly pissed out by my usual classical station starts to work my last nerve.

Great melody, bangin’ arrangement, and the brass and wind sections are dialed in tighter’n Dick’s hat band: enduring classic? I’d say so, yeah.

We’re back, baybeeee!

As Stephen says: it’s official, America is great again.


The absolute best fast-food burgers in the business, Hi-C orange, plus TITTIES! I ask you, what’s not to like here?

Free verse

In the course of a phone confab with my friend Don just now, for some strange reason the hoary old English limerick that begins “In days of old/when knights were bold…” came up. The version I’ve always known best runs thusly:

In days of old, when knights were bold
And condoms not invented
We wrapped a sock around our cock
And babies were prevented.

Now tell me that ain’t just hi-larious, I triple dog dare ya.

Anyhoo, this memory inspired me to do a Luxxle search for the opening line after I’d hung up, seeing as how I knew there was any number of different iterations of this bit of bawdy doggerel. And sure enough.

In days of old when knights were bold
And women weren’t invented,
They all drilled holes in telegraph poles,
and came away contented.

And:

In days of old when knights were bold
and toilets weren’t invented,
they laid their load upon the road
and walked away contented!

And:

In days of old
When men were bold
And paper not invented
They wiped their ass
With blades of grass
And walked away contented.

Last but by no means least:

In days of old, when knights were bold,
And girls were not particular
You’d line them all against the wall
And screw them perpendicular

What can one say but: heh. I do love me some lit’ratchure, I truly, truly do.

I’m sure there are many other versions of this classic floating around out there; if you know any, please feel free to share ‘em with us in the comments section. Lord knows that, in these parlous times, we could all use a good laugh any time we can get one.

Update! Upon further reflection it occurred to me that, as fodder for public-restroom graffiti goes, the fine old poesy above ranks right up there with a couple of stellar examples I ran across in a Chapel Hill dive bar the band was playing at long ago, scrawled at eyeball-height above the lone urinal. To wit:

Flush twice—it’s a long way to Taco Bell

And then another, older but still legible graffito:

Why change Dicks in the middle of a screw? Vote for Nixon in ’72!

Good stuff, no? Then there was a pre-Innarnuts listicle enlivening the green room of CLT’s Park Elevator before it went the way of all nightclub flesh, which started off thusly:

REASONS WHY THE INDIGO GIRLS SUCK

  1. They aren’t really indigo
  2. They aren’t really girls
  3. Off limits pussy pie

The above listicle items were added to by various Sharpie-wielding band members over time until finally, two (2) entire walls were covered by ‘em, transforming the ever-expanding list from the ordinary misspelled, punctuation-bereft, and ungrammatical semi-bon mots into a bona fide epic of rowdy witticism. Sadly, the first three are all I can remember now, but I do know the BPs laughed ourselves dizzy the first time we saw it, and raced in to check for new additions each and every time we played the joint ever after; it quickly became our first order of business before we loaded in, set up, and sound-checked, even.

I know the Indigo Girls gigged there at least once before the decrepit Park Elevator building was torn down and replaced by a yuppie-puppie pancake house or million-dollar condos or some such shite, so presumably they must’ve seen the backhanded tribute at some point. Who knows, they may have even added to it themselves—provided that the Girls (not! NOT!!) could’ve scraped up even a facsimile of a sense of humor between them, that is. Never met ‘em myself, so I won’t speculate on how likely that might be.

Park Elevator also happens to be the place where I rode my stripped down, straight-piped, apehanger-bedecked 1971 FLH through the low freight-loading entrance and right onto the stage at the beginning of our set, parking up next to my guitar amp. My friend Joe followed me in on his hot-rod Sportster, parking over on Stage Left opposite my Shovelhead; both bikes were custom-painted white and had been thoroughly shined up beforehand so that they gleamed and glittered beautifully under the multi-colored stage lighting.

Who was it we were opening for that night—the Cramps, maybe? Somebody else? Or were the BPs headlining the show? Ahh, the hell with it; doesn’t matter now, it’s over and done with. The one thing I’m confident of is that nobody who was there to witness our spectacular stunt-entrance has forgotten it, nor will they.

Backstory of how the deal went down: upon arriving at Park Elevator I approached the owner, Tim, to inform him of my nefarious plans and also to confirm that the jerry-built PE stage could handle a total of approximately 1500 pounds of extra weight without collapsing and killing us all. Tim grinned sheepishly, shrugged, and replied, “I dunno; it’s up to you, man, I’m cool with it!” Which noncommittal response put before me a question I’d asked myself time and again before doing another reckless, risky, and altogether foolish thing: What would Jerry Lee Lewis do?

There was but one answer to that, which was clear as a mountain spring. So I fired that bitch up (kick only, natch), muscled the 20-inch apes (on five-inch straight risers) down and back enough to JUST clear the freight-ramp door at Stage Left, and rode on in—so far so good, no problem. Shut the low-slung Shovel down, gently leaned it onto the kickstand, dismounted, strapped on the git-fiddle, slashed that almighty first-position A chord, let that mutha ring until the tormented Marshall amp screamed in razor-edged agonies of feedback, and may the revels commence, baby!

And the rest, as they say, is rock and roll history. A pic of the ol’ gal as she was in days of yore:

As with guitars, amps, cars, and women, I never could seem to keep a bike around for more than four-five years max before losing interest and offloading it. The 71 FL, though, was special: I held onto that one for ten (10) years before dumping her and moving on. A whole lotta years, a whole lotta miles, a whole lotta smiles, two (2) girlfriends, and I don’t even know how many cars, guitars, and amplifiers over that unusually lengthy (for me) period.

Those ten glorious years saw:

Three (3) custom paintjobs

Five (5) sets of exhausts, the uncontested champeen of which was an HD two-into-one system featuring no-shit tuned headers—the stock factory system for one (1) year on certain late-70s FX models, a rara avis greatly prized among Those Who Know. Ugly as sin, excessively heavy, too quiet for comfort, that rig nonetheless made my Milwaukee Marauder run like a raped ape after me and Goose punched holes in the big, clunky baffle it came with, a mod which increases exhaust-gas flow while still retaining the back pressure highway and byway cruiser machines require to operate at peak efficiency all day. There’s a reason, after all, why HD straight-pipe exhausts are pretty much universally known as “drag pipes,” even amongst non-biker types who have never swung a leg over a Hog in their lives and know precious little and care even less about ’em: it’s because drag pipes only work well on actual dragsters that run at full-throttle all the time, for short but exhilarating bursts down a stick-straight quarter- or eighth-mile strip

Five (5) sets of handlebars/risers: buckhorns on pullbacks, drag bars, 16″ apes, 20” apes, these wide-ass dresser longhorns I could only put up with for a cpl-three months

A full-custom suicide shift designed, built, and installed by me and Goose; unavailable at any price back then, now offered by several aftermarket manufacturers

Two (2) primary drives, enclosed chain and open belt

Six (6) seats, with and without sissy-bar, from a horrible solo seat on springs to the near-perfect Mustang pillow-seat shown above

Four (4) detachable saddlebag sets, one a rare factory Sportster arrangement; two throwover leather bag sets, one all fringed and fancy, one plain-Jane; lastly, the fiberglass bags shown above, a set of aftermarket el-cheapos

As the above partial list shows, I expended a great amount of time and effort on re-imagining, customizing, and re-working that faithful, rock-solid murdersickle into various guises. All part of the fun of Harley-Davidson ownership—actually, one of the primary reasons crusty old gearheads like me get addicted to the blasted things.

Updated update! After extensive digging, I eventually managed to unearth a pic showing the OEM 2-into-1 exhaust I waxed rhapsodic about earlier.

1978 FXS Lowrider, that would be, a very well preserved example of a long-dead breed. Look close and you’ll see the points (!) cover proudly sports the Number One-American flag insignia from the AMF (Annoying Manufacturing Flaw) era.

Simple, rugged, uncompromising: to me, this is simply what a Harley Davidson motorcycle looks like. Not anymore, unfortunately. Check out the official H-D website and you’ll find page after tiresome page of bland, cookie-cutter mundanities that bear no resemblance whatsoever to the straightforward, classic machines  of yesteryear, which I think is a crying shame.

Yes, they leaked oil. Yes, they vibrated so bad they could make your hands go numb and shake your teeth loose on a long trip. Yes, they were so slow they could barely get out of their own way. Yes, they were heavy pigs. Yes, the inferior clutch, four-speed tranny, long-throw shifter, and loosey-goosey shift linkage could make changing gears a hit or miss proposition sometimes. Yes, the suspension, handling, and brakes were a good bit shy of adequate. What of it? All those shortcomings could be addressed with a little backyard wrenching and some high-performance components, which even back then were readily available.

No self-respecting biker I’ve known would think having to work on his own bike so as to get everything dialed in to his personal satisfaction to be a bridge too far. Hell, invite your bros and their ol’ ladies over and have ‘em bring a case or three of cold beer along, crank up some slammin’ tunes on the jambox, and have yourselves a blast. Far from being any kind of deal-breaker, it’s an integral part of the biker lifestyle.

See what I mean about that exhaust, though? Pretty it ain’t, but it performed superbly, at least on my FLH. Looks as if Harley-D went for Function and said straight to hell with Form on those babies. Note how the rear pipe curls around the nose-cone cover like a snake, which is what it took to make tuned headers out of the system. Tuned headers, for anyone who doesn’t know, are basically just header pipes of equal length and diameter, see. After the first foot, foot and a half from the manifold clamp, the rest doesn’t matter. Rare as hen’s teeth back in the 70s and 80s, 2-into-1 exhausts with tuned headers for Harleys are common as dirt nowadays—you can’t take two steps without tripping over the aftermarket ones, for Big Twins and Sporties alike.

3
1

Hood ornaments? I gotcha hood ornaments!

Schwingin’, mufuggiz.

Why don’t cars have hood ornaments anymore?
Safety, aerodynamics, and style all played a factor

LACK of style, more like. Truth to tell, the reason cars don’t have hood ornaments anymore is because, in the final analysis, nondescript modern-day plastic eggmobiles don’t deserve ‘em. Anyways. Onwards.

Hood ornaments started as a disguise for homely radiator caps more than a century ago. Once upon a time, radiator caps were featured on the outside of the car so drivers could keep an eye on the coolant water vapor temperature. Those caps weren’t particularly fetching as a design feature, so automakers started getting creative by adding “car mascots.”

Early cars were not equipped with coolant temperature gauges. One enterprising company created the Moto-Meter, a temperature gauge mounted on the radiator. As manufacturers began to incorporate coolant temperature gauges, the Moto-Meter disappeared, but the hood ornament remained for some brands. 

Today, only a few high-end manufacturers still offer these gorgeous hood jewelry, like Rolls-Royce and Bentley. What happened to these mobile works of art?

The Safety Nazis got ‘em, like most everything else in American life that had class, style, and a certain je ne sais quoi about ‘em. But like I said, ya want a hood ornament, here’s ya a gottdamn hood ornament, bub.

That there chrome spear is from Christiana’s old 56 Fairlane Town Sedan*, which she lovingly called “Lainie,” for reasons which should be obvious.

* NOMENCLATURE NOTE: For the non-Ford-geeks out there, if any: Town Sedan=4-door, Club Sedan=2-door—or, as my old 54-55-56-Ford guru and mentor Don Stickler liked to say of the Town Sedans, you can always tell ‘em when you see ‘em because they had, and I quote, “too many doors.” Pic of mine and C’s beloved rides parked up side by side and nose to tail at the Diamond:

Photo snapped not long after I’d sold my 56 (at left) to a CFD-firefighter pal of mine, Chuckie Inman’s older brother, who yanked the grill (beat all to hell and gone, rusty AF to boot) and hood (which was the wrong damned one, from an earlier model of unknown provenance, so never really fit right anyhow) off altogether and mounted dual-quad Holly carbs atop an Edelbrock manifold because hey, why not? He’s incorrigible like that.

My beautymous Fairlane Club ran the grand old 292 Y Block mill, whereas Christiana’s had a nice little 289 tucked in betwixt the fender walls—a very common, easy-peasy mod with these cars (you don’t even need to change the motor mounts; just find yourself a Pony-car engine somewhere, drop ‘er into the bay, and bolt ‘er right up). Somebody had caught wise to that little swaperoo long before the black Townie had become the apple of my late wife’s eye. How we got her old Ford down from NYC is a heck of a story in its own right, gotta remember to tell youse guys all about it here someday.

Bought my 56 off a guy just across the Alabama line from Jawja—the very first exit, IIRC—who had been Pro-Street drag racing it; when I went to check the sled out, ol’ boy had to remove the fuel cell from the trunk and re-install the boring old stock gas tank while I sat on a tree stump outside his backyard garage/shop and waited, the agreed-upon purchase price of all of 2 grand cash money burning a hole in my pocket the whole time.

Once the fuel-storage issue was resolved I jumped behind the wheel, fired her up, and cruised that classy old girl all the way back to CLT (what, five hours? Six, maybe?) with nary a single hiccup the entire trip. She ran like a sewing machine ever afterwards, nary a smidgeon of trouble did she ever give me.

Well, excepting the time one of the control-arms tore loose from the rusted-out front crossmember and drove itself several inches into the soft, muddy ground at the Harley shop, et-up crossmembers being another well known and all too common fact of 56 Fairlane life. This was due to a piss-poor factory design that had the radiator-overflow outlet pissing directly down onto said crossmember and then just sitting there in a puddle, gnawing away at the metal.

Me and my friend Calvin dealt with that minor nuisance using some square stock culled from the H-D shop scrap-metal pile. We cut said scrap-steel down and welded it into a reasonable facsimile thereof; painted our handiwork in multiple coats of rattlecan Krylon black; and finally welded the whole sordid mess to the frame using Mark 1-Mod 0 eyeball measurements.

Which improvisational scrounging/fabrication/installation project, I freely admit, was not just one hundred percent straight and/or perfectly aligned when we were done. The car kinda crabbed down the road, like a small plane trying to land in a strong crosswind does. Not that it bothered my jerry-riggin’ ass none; I assure you I was NOT dissuaded in the slightest, and happily drove the auty-mobile for many more years having to rassle that huge steering wheel to and fro all the while so as to keep it between the ditches. Of course, I bolted up a custom Bettie Page suicide-knob of my own devising to help out, which I wound up getting a lot of use out of.

You know what Mike’s Iron Law #187 says, folks: whatever the headache, issue, or obstacle may be, there’s ALWAYS a workaround, and any real, true-blue American is ALWAYS gonna find it. Far as I’m concerned, that can-do, never say die spirit is a huuuuge part of what made America great to begin with.

(Original article via Insty)

Update! Seeing as how I’m sitting around doing a whole lot of nothing much tonight, might as well tell the gripping tale of how Christiana’s Lainie made her way down to her new NC home after we got hitched and set up housekeeping together.

Lainie’s prior residence was out in Old Tappan, NJ, in the attached one-space garage of my mother-in-law Xenia’s palatial abode there. Before Christiana acquired her, some previous owner had reupholstered the interior, re-carpeted her, did the engine-swap or had it done, replaced the suspect crossmember and re-routed the radiator overflow outlet, and had the car painted. All in all, though the paint had lost its luster and faded down to almost a matte black, she ran and drove just fine. Every other week C would go out and visit her mom, take the Fairlane out and tool around a bit, wash it, etc. There was a trustworthy auto-repair shop a few blocks away where she’d take the car for regular oil changes and such-like maintenance.

When we got married, the question arose of how we were gonna bring Lainie down to live with us. Although I offered, driving a 1956 Ford twelve (12) hours to Charlotte from NJ was simply out of the question. Christiana did some checking around and found a local auto-transport outfit who would ship the car to their Pineville facility at a not-quite-ghastly rate, whereupon we could come pick it up at our leisure and drive her to her/our new home.

Which is what we did. Somehow, though, once we’d gotten Lainie into the roomy two-car garage at our house, she seemed to fall into something of a snit, stubbornly refusing to start even though she’d made it home just fine from Pineville only a cpl-three weeks before. It was a mystery; after taking several stabs at trying to see what was up, I finally threw my hands up in disgust and walked away.

To this day I still feel guilty about that; Christiana never stopped imploring me to please, please, pretty please get her Fairlane back up and running again, but what with one thing and another—working at the Harley shop, touring with the band, mowing the damned lawn, etc etc etc I never made time to walk downstairs to the garage and just do it.

And then she was gone from me, her beloved Ford still stone-dead out in the damned garage while I sat upstairs doing my utmost to drink myself to death so I might rejoin the love of my life wherever her spirit may have fled before it was too late.

It still haunts me. I would sit at the bar in Snug Harbor and weep loudly and inconsolably, slamming drink after drink, my friends Ned and Jason on either side of me, their arms wrapped tight around me trying to protect me from myself as best they could. They were de facto bodyguards; on the not-infrequent occasions that some unknowing bar patron would ask just what the hell was wrong with me anyway, Ned and Jase would run them off immediately with a no-nonsense snarl, leaving no room for error in anybody’s mind.

The pain of losing Christiana, stupendous as it already was, was compounded by the anguish of knowing that the one thing my beautiful wife had ever asked me to do for her I had foolishly not done. I had let this wonderful woman down for no good reason; I knew I had, and it was too late now to make it up to her. To this very day I still have nightmares about it.

I couldn’t bring myself to ride my prized 06 Sportster anymore; I no longer gave a tinker’s damn about any of the things that had always made life worth living. I could hardly even go into the garage at all; Her Car was in there, and I hadn’t the intestinal fortitude to so much as look at poor Lainie now.

Until one balmy, mid-summer Friday afternoon, my dear friend Joe Lemyre piloted his own Harley Big Twin down from Boone, got all up in my grill, and snapped me the fuck out of it.

First off, Joe informed me in no uncertain terms that tonight I WOULD swing a leg over the Sporty and go riding with him, if only a short putt through the neighborhood. After we’d done that, got back to my place, and un-assed our respective scoots, he laid holt of my wrist with a grizzly-bear grip, dragged me over to dusty, slack-tired, cobwebbed-over Lainie and told me that tomorrow, come Hell or high water, we WOULD turn to, get cracking, and put her back on the road again. No matter what it took, how long it took, or how much it cost, it by God WOULD get done.

And damned if we didn’t do it. Took several months of wrenching, replacing worn-out or broken parts, draining the tank and replacing the smelly near-varnish with fresh gas. We installed new plugs, plug wires, and a Mallory electronic distributor. We borrowed a brand-spanking-new, high-buck Quicksilver 4-barrel from a friend and took the battered, clogged Motorcraft one-lunger off, wrapped it in red shop rags, and shoved it to the back of my workbench to await further developments. We Windexed the filmed-over glass; we wiped down the vinyl seats; we re-inflated the sagging tires to spec.

When we finally did coax Lainie into coughing, farting, sputtering life again at last, the cheers, shouts, and raucous laughter which erupted from the five or six of us in the garage that night rang in my ears no less gloriously than the sound of choirs of angels singing. As she gradually settled down to a smooth, loping idle there wasn’t a dry eye to be seen, nothing but happy smiles on every grease-smudged face.

And that’s another thing I will never, ever forget.

Yeah, any yay-hoo wants to tell me that internal combustion engines don’t have souls is gonna have to go peddle that horseshit someplace else, sorry. Ain’t no market for it here.

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