Category: Damn that’s funny!

Celebrate Jumeteemf ‘n’ sheeitz!

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So how’s that Jumeteemf business working out for y’all? NOT TOO GOOOOIT, DEY BE GETTIN’ ALL SHOTTED ‘N’ SHEEITZ.

20 shot, 1 dead in Chicago-area mall as violence mars Juneteenth holiday weekend around US
This Juneteenth holiday weekend has been marred by violent crime throughout the states, but especially so in blue metropolitans like Chicago.

Over in Chicago, in fact, a crowded, 300+ late Saturday night celebration specifically for Juneteenth turned into a violent affair with 20 shot, one of them fatally.

“Battalion Chief Joe Ostrander with the Tri-State Fire Protection District said the shooting took place about 12:30 a.m. [Sunday morning] on Route 83 near Honeysuckle Rose Lane. A large group was gathered in a strip mall parking lot for a Juneteenth celebration that turned violent, witnesses said,” according to station WLS.

“Fire officials said at least 10 were shot. A DuPage County Sheriff’s Office official said later Sunday morning that 20 had been shot, one fatally,” the station reported.
According to witness Markeshia Avery, things weren’t supposed to be like this.

“It was supposed to be like a Juneteenth celebration; we just started hearing shooting, so we dropped down until they stopped. They just kept going. After that, we literally scattered away,” she said.

“We just heard gunshots; at first it was one, but then it was a whole bunch of gunshots. After then we started running like, ‘yo.’ I looked at my friend, and we took off, running like crazy,” another witness, Zaviar Sheikh, added.

Meanwhile, over in St. Louis, Missouri, ten juveniles were shot, one of them fatally, during a shooting early Sunday morning.

Next up is Washington state, where five people were shot, two fatally, near a music festival, according to Kyle Foreman, the public information officer with the Grant County Sheriff’s Office.

Then there’s Pennsylvania, where two state troopers were shot, one of them fatally, during a shoot-out Saturday afternoon.

And finally, in California, eight people were shot, two critically, during a house pool party around midnight.

Gee, imagine my surprise. But hey, whatcha gonna do, right? As my utmost favorite Rick James of all possible Rick Jameses in the multiverse, Dave Chappelle, put it:

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Hire the handicapped

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Price. Less.


Whose idea was it? Dunno, but he’s a fuckin’ diabolical genius, is what he is. Did I not TELL you guys that having two (2) mentally-incapacitated rutabagas in DC was gonna yield up comedy gold? Folks, it just doesn’t GET much better than that. Reminds me of this classic skit.

Halp us, Handi Man—John Kary has failed, so only you can save us now!

Thanks (I think) to Brack for the steer.

Update! Yes, yes, I know I said “two” above, which was technically in error, being a serious undercount and all. Hell, Biden, Veggerman, and Feinstein all punch so much higher than their actual weight when it comes to retardation that, between them, they run up the score to waaaay on past mere single digits.

Updated update! Yep, the delightful pairing wasn’t a hoax or some kind of beautiful, beautiful dream. It really did happen.

Sen. John Fetterman garbles words, wears baggy shorts during event with Biden in Philadelphia
Sen. John Fetterman dressed for a day on a basketball court Saturday to greet President Biden in Philadelphia — then stumbled over his words as he spoke to the media.

The Pennsylvania Democrat, in baggy shorts, sneakers, and a light blue hoodie, was unable to pronounce words such as “delegation” and “infrastructure” as he made a garbled one-minute statement after Biden toured the collapsed I-95 overpass that has snarled traffic throughout the northeast.

“This is a president that is committed to infructure,” said Fetterman, 53, who continues to grapple with the effects of a stroke he suffered last May as he campaigned for his Senate seat.

Biden, he said, “is here to commit to work with the governor and the delegadation to make sure that we get this fixed quick, fast, as well, too.”

The freshman senator also praised Biden’s $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill, calling it “the jewel, kind of a law, of the infra, infration, infriction bill that is gonna make sure that there’s bridges like this all across America getting rebuilt.”

Ohhh, this guy’s good. Better than good, actually. He just might out-gobbledegook Biden, the acknowledged master. Via Bill, who quips: I doubt either man had any clue what the other was talking about. Or where he was, or how he got there.

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The cold, hard truth

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Remember that 800 pound gorilla in the room I mentioned the other day in the Eyrie post? Well, in the way of all 800 pound gorillas, he’s still there, and isn’t going anywhere until he’s captured the undivided attention those pesky, implacable 800 pound gorillas always tend to seek…and, sooner or later, one way or another, get.

California Can Either Charge Its EV Fleet Or Keep The Lights On
Can California transition to a portfolio of 100% renewable energy sources and still generate enough electricity to meet the state’s future needs, including the addition of millions of electric cars on the road?

A: No. Next question. For that matter, neither can any other state. Turns out, there’s a reason why the human race abandoned “renewable” (read: inadequate to meet the demands of a modern industrial civilization) energy for more reliable, productive sources several centuries ago, see. UNEXPECTED!™

California is already incapable of generating enough electricity, importing 30% of its current electricity needs from other states. With respect to current generation sources, nearly 60% of California’s in-state electricity generation is produced by natural gas and nuclear power plants. Including conventional hydroelectric generation, which does not count as a renewable source for purposes of California’s policies, nearly two-thirds of the state’s current electricity comes from disfavored generation sources.

It is doubtful that California will be able to generate sufficient electricity to meet future energy needs using only the favored generation sources; and it is not even close.

Overall, total electricity generated will be 21.1% below the amount of electricity demanded — and this does not even account for the impacts from all the likely future mandates. Beyond the electric vehicle mandates evaluated above, officials are rapidly prohibiting connections for stoves, furnaces, hot water heaters, and dryers in new construction projects.

There are reasons to be exceptionally skeptical that California’s current energy policy environment is achievable. Either the policies will cause extreme energy shortages and jeopardize quality of life or the state’s political leaders will need to repeal the current suite of mandates.

“Reasons to be skeptical”? Oh, you just bet there are at that. But since, as every good “liberal” knows, electricity is something that happens when you flip a light switch—just as food is something that comes from the grocery store—there really isn’t a problem here at all. It’s just a damnable lie made up by those godawful MAGA H8RRRZZZ to oppress them, that’s all.

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Undergroundwater railroad

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Delusional, or visionary? I report, Stephen Green derides.

Biden Wants to Build an 8,000-Mile Ocean Train, and I Say Let’s Do This!

Me too, whatever “this” may turn out to be.

On today’s installment of “What the Hell Did Biden Actually Just Say?” we have the alleged president of the most powerful country in the world announcing his plan to build, and I quote, “a railroad from the Pacific all the way across the Indian Ocean.”

Seriously.

Those are his own words. This isn’t some Deep Fake video; it’s Presidentish Joe Biden speaking Wednesday night at the League of Conservation Voters’ annual Capital Dinner, whatever that is.

The icing on the Ocean Train cake is that massive solar farm in Angola that Biden is going to build just because those jerks next door in Namibia said it couldn’t be done.

Imagine the convenience and savings of boarding a train in Los Angeles bound for Honolulu, where you could spend the first night of your rail voyage stuffing your face with poi before heading off to your final destination: beautiful downtown Kochi, India.

Not that there isn’t a kink or two in Biden’s Ocean Train.

Aww. Party pooper. Spoilsport. Wet blanket. Naysayer. Dream-killer. I say we’ll never get anywhere as a nation if we don’t indulge every demented fantasy our beloved, got-it-together pRetend ***”pResident”*** can weave out of whole cloth, no matter how self-evidently preposterous it might be. DID YOUR HARD-NOSED PRAGMATIC REALISM PUT A MAN ON MARS YET, SMART GUY?!? Yeh, I didn’t THINK so. So, y’know, there.

Update! Ace speculates on what might really be going on with this arrant horseshit.

So what is Biden talking about?

A friend tells me we’re missing the real story. He says Biden is there vowing…to help China complete its “Belt and Road Initiative,” its bid to secure a big chunk of the world’s resources by building highways and railroads through Asia and Africa.

Here are his fuller remarks:

“China has their Belt and Road Initiative. It turned out to be their debt and destruction initiative. No, I’m serious. Not a joke. Well, we’re going to win, and we’re going to help.

We have plans to build a railroad from the Pacific all the way across the Indian Ocean. We have plans to build in — in Angola one of the largest solar plants in the world. I can go on, but I’m not. I’m going off-script. I’m going to get in trouble. (Laughter.)”

“We’re going to help” — we’re going to build the road network to feed China with mineral resources, because they’ve bankrupted themselves doing so. So we’re going to help and build that for them.

Makes perfect sense to me—insofar as anything Blibberin’ Biden ever says or does can be said to make sense, that is.

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Misc schtuff

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A few memes I Iiked.

GasGenEV

 

Drag Shows

Can’t remember via whom I found the two above, apologies for that. The next one hijackeded directly from WRSA.

SwampvsSewer

Heh. Makes sense to me.

Update! Urethra, I have found it! That second one comes to you via the esteemed Glypto Dropem, who is ensconced in Ye Olde CF Blogrolle under his nom de blogge 75 Milion Pissed Off Patriots. Thanks, Glypto!

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Put up or shut up

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Turns out, being a “sanctuary city” isn’t nearly as much fun when you have to actually, y’know, BE one.

Sanctuary Cities Seethe as Illegal Immigrants Actually Arrive
The surest sign that public policies are simply virtue signals is when the messages don’t cost anything. The easiest way to tell when that signal starts to fail is to watch politicians flounder as the costs start to rise and voters demand relief.

It was free—and meaningless—for progressive churches to post banners calling themselves “nuclear free zones” during the Reagan era. Their dwindling congregations loved it. It was free, after George Floyd’s murder, to post woke catechism signs on your front lawn, proclaiming “In this house, we believe: Black Lives Matter, women’s rights are human rights, no human is illegal” and so on. Maybe the neighbors gave you high-fives. And for years it has been free for deep-blue cities to proclaim themselves “sanctuaries” for illegal immigrants. That’s changing now that voters want some sanctuary for themselves.

Changes like this happen when voters realize the old virtue signals actually entail serious costs—and that they will have to pay them. That is exactly what’s happening in New York City and Washington D.C. now that Texas governor Greg Abbott is sending those cities a few busloads of illegal immigrants from his state.

These progressive bastions were silent when the Biden administration flew planeloads of illegal immigrants to suburban airports in the middle of the night. TV coverage was prohibited, and the arrivals were secretly dispersed. Abbott’s buses, by contrast, arrive downtown greeted by local TV crews. Now you can hear the politicians screech.

These shrill noises are the sound of progressive politicians being squeezed. They proclaim their cities are “sanctuaries” but—surprise, surprise—they don’t actually want more illegal immigrants. Not that they can voice that reservation, of course, given their activist political base. Neither can they support serious efforts to manage the underlying problem by closing the border, or even trying to. Doing so would mean a humiliating return to Donald Trump’s tough policies: building the wall, requiring asylum seekers to remain in Mexico as their applications are processed, and encouraging Mexico’s armed forces to deploy along the border to prevent illegal crossings. Biden overturned all those policies, to cheers from his party’s left-wing base. That was when they thought it would be costless.

Now the costs are mounting, and so are the consequences for progressive politicians. The pushback is coming, not from their base but from disillusioned centrists and independents. Those voters are groaning under the costs associated with this rising tide of illegal immigrants, including welfare benefits, social services, schooling for more children, emergency room visits for uninsured patients, and a need for additional police without sufficient additional tax revenues to pay for all of them. Drug-smuggling cartels now find it much easier to cross the border, so these cities also have to cope with more heroin, cocaine, and fentanyl on the streets, more hospitalizations, and more deaths from overdoses. It’s an ugly picture.

So fucking what if it is? It’s the selfsame picture that smug shitlibs and their pet-poodle politicos have drawn for small Texas border towns, thinking themselves safely insulated from the consequences of their sanctimony by simple geographical distance.

Abbott’s goal is to squeeze the vise tighter on those politicians, to force them to change course on national immigration policy and lessen the flood of immigrants into his state—or else pay the price in their home states.

Of course it is—and what could possibly be fairer than that? Now that Abbott and DeSantis have forced them to put their money where their mouths are, both literally and figuratively, they ain’t digging it. How very odd. Dare we say it: H8RRRRZZZ!!! BIGOTS!!! RACISTS!!!! MURDERERS!!!!!!

Heh. Suck on it, shitlibs.

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THEY’RE HEEEEERE!

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I for one welcome our new alien overlords.

I’m not playing around with you guys, this is legit alien sci-fi movie freaky nightmare stuff right here. Watch this news report:


Does that family look disturbed or delusional to you? Did it look or sound like they were playing a prank? Did you hear how shook the cops were??

Just because they don’t look delusional doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t, of course, but who knows. In any event, BCE quickly spotted the silver lining.

Bad News: Apparently The Aliens/Martians/Whathaveyou have landed in Las Vegas. Juuuuuust a bit outside the strip.

Good News: They’re eating niggers and illegals, pissing gasoline, and headed East.

<Drum Riff>

Sorry…. had to do it.

Heh. Well, bring it on then, ET, and welcome home to you and all your star-hopping friends. Maps to the southern US border, major urban ghetto areas, and the nearest scheduled pAntiFa/BLM riot will be made available to you free of charge at any truck stop or mom & pop filling station nationwide. Be sure to try our Drag Queen Groomer AYCE Special listed on the menu; deep-fried, baked, or broiled, they’re delicious, and oh so good for you!

Wardrobe malfunction

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The “girl” can’t help it.

Non-binary ex-Biden official Sam Brinton arrested for yet another baggage theft
Brinton is being charged with grand larceny in third airport baggage theft case

Sam Brinton, the embattled former senior Department of Energy (DOE) official, was arrested as a “fugitive from justice” by Maryland police late Wednesday.

According to county records reviewed by Fox News Digital, Brinton was taken into custody in Rockville. A spokesperson for the Metropolitan Washington Airports Authority (MWAA) Police, which is the lead law enforcement agency for both Washington, D.C., area airports, said the arrest was related to the theft of airport luggage, the third such criminal case involving Brinton.

“Metropolitan Washington Airports Authority Police executed a search warrant May 17 in Montgomery County, Maryland, in connection with allegations of stolen property in luggage from Reagan National Airport that was brought to the department’s attention in February 2023,” James Johnson, a spokesperson for the MWAA, told Fox News Digital in an email.

The arrest comes a month after Brinton — who made headlines last year after being appointed to the position that oversees nuclear waste policy at the DOE’s Office of Nuclear Energy as a non-binary gender-fluid person — escaped jail time in two separate cases in Minnesota and Nevada involving luggage thefts.

No worries, I’m sure he’ll enjoy prison well enough—not that he’ll ever do a day’s time behind bars, of course. What better occasion to run this Little Richard classic?



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TRUE culprit found

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Well, this would certainly explain a few things, wouldn’t it?

Report: Sandbag That Tripped Biden On Stage Also Participated In Jan 6 Capitol Riot
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO — The motive behind a sandbag’s sudden attack on President Joe Biden became more clear today, as sources within the federal government have produced photos showing the sandbag also participated in the U.S. Capitol riot on January 6, 2021.

“This sandbag has been a dangerous entity for some time,” said one source under the condition of anonymity. “After reviewing video footage from the January 6, 2021 riot at the Capitol, we discovered the sandbag among the other Trump-supporting domestic terrorists. The sandbag has evaded justice since that day, giving it the opportunity to trip President Biden at the Air Force commencement ceremony.”

As officials continued to dig into the sandbag’s past, further red flags were raised. “We have also found a lengthy manifesto written by the sandbag,” the source said. “We will not be releasing the manifesto to the public due to the potential damage it could cause to our democracy, but it’s really bad. Just trust us, we’re the government.”

Though unharmed in the tripping incident, President Biden has privately vowed to bring the full weight of the federal government behind his crusade to hunt down other sandbags. Additional reports seem to have indicated the sand inside the bag was white, raising concerns about ties to white supremacist organizations.

There’s hard photographic proof included with the linked article, which plainly has not been Photoshopped or otherwise altered in any way, shape, or form. Unsurprisingly, the sandbag also had close ties with Putin and RUSSIARUSSIARUSSIA. Can exposure of even deeper links to Trump and the demonic MAGA agenda be long in coming?

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As promised

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Time for those two excellent vids I mentioned earlier. First, we have your feel-good vidya of the week, featuring what I keep insisting ought to be the end result every time a few pAntiFa fascists dare to venture forth from Mom’s basement.


And yet again, we see the Bastards In Blue dashing to the rescue…on the side of their pAntiFa pals, of course and as usual. Maybe it’s about time they started featuring prominently in some of these beatdown-vids their own selves, just to help them get their heads screwed back on straight.

Next up, the legendary Sister Rosetta Tharpe busts one out for us.

One of the most amazing singing voices ever, and the ol’ gal could really rip on that gloriously Bigsbyfied SG Custom too. Believe you me, cranking out those simpler-is-better blues licks on guitar is way, WAY tougher than it looks. I never could do it worth a damn myself, and I did NOT suck on guitar otherwise, either. Try as I might, and I surely did, Sister Tharpe could’ve easily stomped mudholes in my po’ white ass when it comes to blues pickin’, then backed up and walked ‘em dry.

Note too, that she’s doing the right hand proper: finger picking it, although she DOES cheat just a little bit, using a thumb-pick on there. Ah well, as I always say: pobody’s nerfect, right?

Update! Just remembered something my longtime partner in musical crime, Tom “Mookie” Brill, always told me: “You can’t play blues with a pick, man, it’s just impossible.” Being entirely reliant on the Dunlop yellow Tortex picks my whole life, I can testify that the man was 100% correct on that.

And if you click on the Tommy Brill link above, then on the profile pic therein, yes, that’s me in the pic with him, playing my good ol’ pinstriped Gretch Electromatic reissue. A sweet, sweet git-fiddle my girl was, complete with a full-custom Craig Landau neck carve (the “Hendrix profile,” he named it) and a set of TV Jones Magna’Tron pickups that were bright, glassy, and just ballsy as hell all at once.

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Dictionary definition

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STUMBLEBUM (noun) stum·​ble·​bum

: a clumsy or inept person
: a bum, in the act stumbling.

To wit.


It’d be hilarious if it wasn’t so damned pathetic. No wait, wrong…it’s STILL hilarious. Bonus stumblebummery, shot just before the above crowning achievement of pratfalls (CRUCIAL NOTE: so far) in what’s become a long, seriously illustrious career of them:


Yep, still hilarious. As I always say, couldn’t happen to a nicer asshole. In the first vid above, Lyin’ Pedo Jaux can be seen pointing back at the imaginary culprit that purportedly caused the decrepit old fraud to take his habitual header, a “black sandbag on the stage,” even going so far as to blubber a surpassingly lame deflection for it later:

President Joe Biden laughed off his embarrassing fall at the Air Force Academy commencement ceremony as he arrived safely back at the White House on Thursday.

‘I got sandbagged,’ he joked to reporters following the tumble, which has raised more questions about his age and health.

Hardly. It doesn’t “raise” them, it answers them.

(Via Ace)

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Speaking to them in the only language they’ll ever understand

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Ie, swift and blinding violence.


No word on whether the idiot Climate Change (formerly Global Warming, formerly Global Cooling, formerly The Weather)™ “protesters” were permanently maimed or not, but one can always hope. Via Ace.

TRULY transgressive

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As the man says, Dave Chappelle never disappoints.

Dave Chappelle Invites Cancelled ‘SNL’ Comic On Stage. What Comes Next Is Pure Gold
Footage shared Monday shows the moment Dave Chappelle invited cancelled “Saturday Night Live” writer Shane Gillis up on stage at the Comedy Cellar. What came next was pure comedy gold.

Gillis was dropped as a writer by the sketch comedy show after footage of him making jokes about Asians resurfaced. Despite Gillis immediately saying that the joke was a “miss,” and inviting others to call out any aspect of his writing and stand-up that could help him be more culturally sensitive, the fun-police decided to wet their pants and fire him.

But that didn’t stop Chappelle from bringing him up on stage, calling him “so funny that he got cancelled at the beginning of his career.” The crowd whooped and cheered as Gillis took the mic. Once he was up there, Chappelle requested he “do a joke about Donald Trump getting shot.”

Apparently, Gillis had done the bit before, but that didn’t make it any less hysterical. And not for the reasons you might be thinking. The crowd clearly didn’t think the set-up was funny, but once Gillis got into the joke, he couldn’t be stopped. It has to be watched to be properly enjoyed.

S’truth, too. Here’s the vid:


As the DC article’s author goes on to say, the gut-bustingest bit is the “punch-assassinate Biden” riff at the very end, which leaves Chappelle in a heap on the floor and gasping for breath, and which is also perfectly true and accurate.

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CF Glossary

ProPol: Professional Politician

Vichy GOPe: Putative "Republicans" who talk a great game but never can seem to find a hill they consider worth dying on; Quislings, Petains, Benedicts, backstabbers, fake phony frauds

Fake Phony Fraud(s), S'faccim: two excellent descriptors coined by the late great WABC host Bob Grant which are interchangeable, both meaning as they do pretty much the same thing

Mordor On The Potomac: Washington, DC

The Enemy: shitlibs, Progtards, Leftards, Swamp critters, et al ad nauseum

Burn, Loot, Murder: what the misleading acronym BLM really stands for

pAntiFa: an alternative spelling of "fascist scum"

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