Category: Damn that’s funny!

Trump shot, wounded

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Blubberous, bumbling, female Didn’t Earn It SS hires hardest hit.

Secret Service says it’s appalled by DEI rhetoric against female agents after Trump rally shooting
Saturday’s shooting is the latest instance of right-leaning social media accounts trying to link diversity, equity and inclusion programs to deeply troubling news events.

The U.S. Secret Service said Wednesday that it stood by its female agents and was appalled by some of the criticism they’ve received on conservative social media since Saturday’s attempted assassination of former President Donald Trump. 

The Secret Service, in a statement to NBC News, said that the criticism from pundits and influencers was baseless. The agency also stood by its commitment to diversity in recruiting as helping, not hurting, the effectiveness of its protective teams. 

The statement follows a multiday campaign of derision by some conservatives who accused Kimberly Cheatle, the Secret Service director, of being unqualified and who said that female agents assigned to Trump hadn’t been physically capable of protecting him. Some critics said the Secret Service should return to being all-male, which it hasn’t been since 1970. 

Anthony Guglielmi, the Secret Service’s chief of communication, said in the statement: “We stand united against any attempt to discredit our personnel and their invaluable contributions to our mission and are appalled by the disparaging and disgusting comments against any of our personnel.” 

“As an elite law enforcement agency, all of our agents and officers are highly trained and fully capable of performing our missions,” he said.

Trump was wounded in his right ear at Saturday’s chaotic rally in Butler, Pennsylvania. An attendee was killed trying to protect his family, and another two were seriously injured.

Yep, sure sounds like a two-thumbs-up Mission Accomplished to me, gals.

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Tulsi vivisects Kumala

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You go, girl.


OUCH, ma’am! Better stick to something you know, Kummy. Like, say, suck-starting your stalled career by gobbing useful higher-up knobs.

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And the b(l)eat goes on

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There’s just no hope at all for some “people.”


FAIR WARNING: It’s a long ‘un, brimming o’er with more of the same species of delusional codswallop, in case anyone wants to befoul himself by clicking over for the rest—an irrational, self-destructive inclination I won’t even pretend to understand. No, I will NOT be C&P’ing the extended post-“Show more” twaddle this time out, because fuck that noise.

Happily, Meestah COL Schlichter courageously steps in to flush the noxious turd down the stink-pipe and away before it can smell up the joint beyond hope of repair.


In the case of the esteemed COL Schlichter, unlike the previous asswart, I’m only too happy to provide the rest of the clickbait story for y’all.

…If he pulls out, it is a confession of his total inadequacy and failure, and I celebrate his humiliation. But he’s not going to be pulling out, because to do that would be to put the needs of other people and the country ahead of his own ego and he’ll never do that because he’s a bad, bad person.

And so is his wife.

WHOA, that’s good squishy!

As the overbooked proctologist reputedly complained to his frazzled assistant: Is there no end to these assholes?

Grateful thanks to Schlichter for the speedy, selfless save; hope your singed nostril-hairs grow back in with no complications or discomfort, Kurt. As for the blistered paint, cracked window-glass, and damaged thundermug, pas de sweat; that ain’t on you, buddy, you already did your bit and then some. Above and beyond the call, I’d say. Next time you’re moved to deal out another righteous smackdown to some deserving dumbass, may I recommend using both backhand AND forehand strokes in your delivery, so as to ensure the intended lesson is not merely learned, but permanently instilled. Additionally, as every serious golfer knows, a vigorous, complete follow-through is critical, particularly with the more stubborn, marginally-educable specimens.

Elsewhere, our pal Aesop examines another self-inflicted auto-da-fé, this one starring a violence-avowing, Biden-fellating punkass beeyotch who now faces follow-on consequences far more dire, including but in no wise restricted to:

  • Loss of employment, professional reputation/status, and career prospects
  • Federal criminal investigation, possible indictment and/or prosecution for issuing serial terroristic threats, aggravated by repeated witting, brazenly non-metaphorical exhortations to widespread murder, mayhem, civil disorder, even the assassination of a specifically-identified former President/current lawful major-party candidate as well as the respectable, law-abiding civilians who support his Presidential campaign
  • Social shunning, banishment, and/or informal exile
  • Eviction, homelessness, soul-scarring poverty
  • Sundry other dick-in-the-meatgrinder repercussions

It’s a joy to behold, far as I’m concerned.

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The one and only

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At long, long last, a candidate I can get behind with all my heart, soul, mind, spirit, and body, to my last ounce of strength.

Sometimes the right person emerges. When we needed a person to see us through the War for Independence and to serve as this new nation’s first president, Washington emerged. When Britain found itself fighting for its life against Nazi Germany, Churchill emerged. When our country was tearing itself apart over the slavery question, Lincoln emerged.

And now, in our troubled times, David ‘Iowahawk’ Burge has emerged.

Man, has he ever. And how.



The above infuriatingly-truncated “Read more” passage ends thusly: “…leave office after four years.” Which is of course a baldfaced lie, or so we must hope; President-for-Life the Right Hon Mr David NMI Burge would be totally jake with me, I gots no objection, although YMMV. If so, please keep it on the down-low, I really don’t wanna know. It would pain me no end to see any of my beloved CF Lifers permanently beclown himself by publicly confessing to such disgraceful Wrongthink as that.

At any rate, the laff-train keeps a-rolling all night long from there:



Lots, lots more after that one, every last syllable likewise meeting or surpassing the impossibly-high IowahawkCorp© standards for Beverage-Spewing Hilarity, Aggravated GutBustery w/HowlinglyFunny cluster, and/or RightdafuckON, Muhfuhgr! we’ve all come to expect from that crazy-ass fool.

FULL DISCLOSURE OF UNACCEPTABLE JOURNALISMIC BIAS: I’ve been good buds with the legendary David Burge (FACT CHECK: NOT his real name, nor is “Iowahawk,” astonishingly enough) for quite a few years, although over the last several we’ve fallen out of touch, to my boundless regret and ensorrowment.

Dave, if you happen across this, my phone # has changed since we last talked, so do please kite me one of them newfangled electronic-mail thingamabobbers instead (mike-at-cf-dot-etc) when you get a spare minute, wouldja? I realize you’re a busy, busy beaver and all, but I’d truly admire to hear from ya, old friend, it’s been way too long. Hope this missive finds you still fightin’ fit, happy as some clams, and generally doing well—seeing’s how “doing good” sorta cuts against your usual warp and woof and so would feel pretty dang weird, probably for both of us.

Best wishes for fair winds and following seas on your write-in White House run; we could certainly do worse for a Prez-mo-dent, MUCH worse, and likely will. Gaia knows we have, more than just once, twice, or thrice at that.

And to think, the Beltway (Butt)Bandits consider Trump an outsider.

T’would serve those never-to-be-sufficiently-damned Swamp-rats right, sayeth moi.

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Golden opportunity, seized

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I’m running this one for one reason and one reason only, which will be disclosed after the excerpt.

Cannabis appears to improve orgasmic function in women, according to new research
Recent research published in the journal Sexual Medicine suggests that cannabis use before sex may help women who experience difficulties achieving orgasm. Among women who reported difficulties achieving orgasm, a significant majority reported improvements in orgasm frequency, ease, and satisfaction when using cannabis before partnered sex.

Female orgasmic dysfunction is a sexual disorder characterized by a persistent or recurrent difficulty in achieving orgasm, despite adequate sexual stimulation and arousal. This condition can cause significant distress and affect a woman’s quality of life and relationships. Despite its prevalence, affecting up to 41% of women worldwide, effective treatments are limited.

Anecdotal evidence and previous studies have hinted at cannabis’s potential to enhance sexual experiences for women, but a systematic investigation was necessary to validate these claims. In this new study, researchers aimed to provide more substantial evidence that cannabis could be an effective treatment for women with orgasmic difficulties.

Okay, battlespace-prep complete. Now for the meat of the matter, in the form of a classic old-school biker joke I always got a giggle out of.

Q: How can you tell when a woman is having an orgasm?

A: Who the hell cares?!?

…….

Okay, okay, sorry. I just couldn’t help myself.

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This shall not stand!

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Aww, what a darn shame.

Lesbian Duo Baffled as to Why Muslim Gang Would Pummel Them. Who Wants to Break the News?
A gang of “Middle Eastern men” beat the potato salad out of a lesbian couple in Halifax, Nova Scotia, leaving the two zamis to wonder why the men would treat the ladies so viciously, especially considering it was during Pride month.

Emma MacLean, one of the women assaulted, posted to Facebook that there were between seven and ten men, all between the ages of 18 and 25 and “believed to be from Syria.”

As some may know, myself and my partner Tori were attacked on Saturday night by a group of 7-10+ middle eastern men, believed to be from Syria, aged 18-25 on Argyle Street in downtown Halifax. 

One particular individual, wearing a red shirt with a walking boot, initially made a sexually degrading comment to me. My partner Tori and this man got into a verbal altercation where this individual made several disgusting slurs, some being homophobic. Following this, the 7-10 men attacked me and my partner, throwing several punches and kicks to our faces, ribs, etc. 

The outcome of this attack has resulted in a broken nose, chipped tooth, several bruises and lumps on our head, faces, etc. We are extremely thankful that things were not worse. 

If anyone has any further information or had witnessed this event, or has personal video footage, I would be extremely grateful if you could share it. 

Stay safe and happy pride month.

MacLean would later admit that her girlfriend, Tori, followed the gang after they made homophobic slurs toward the women. That’s when things got spicy.

Tori was pushed to the ground, and that’s when the punches and kicks began to fly.

“I’m terrified to go downtown again in Halifax,” MacLean told CTV news. “I just feel like it’s so out of your control on what could happen. It’s overwhelming. I didn’t expect something like this to happen, especially with it happening during pride month as well.”

Some of us have been saying for a long time now that stupidity ought to be literally, physically painful, and whaddya know: in Nova Scotia at any rate, now it is.

Crank call

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Musta been another of them Rooskie hacks, I’m thinking.

Trump Spox Sneaks Onto Collapsing Biden Campaign’s Conference Call
Steven Cheung, a principal Trump campaign spokesman, snuck onto a Biden campaign conference call on Monday. He then took to X to call it “the saddest thing I’ve ever listened to.”

“They have given up,” Cheung wrote.

The Trump spox claimed that he was able to sign up for the conference call using his real name and media credentials, and the free-falling campaign let him in.

Read the rest, it’s just about the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long, long while, the all-time world-champeen of political pranks.

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Sharp as a tack!

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If this isn’t the next Trump campaign ad, it damned well oughta be.


The thing to remember here is, contra what the scum-sucking liars keep insisting, even in his very best years Too Aulde Jaux was NEVER “sharp as a tack.”

(Via Ace)

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Masters-level class in the flaying of obnoxious “journalists”

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Today’s Quote of the Week of the Month of the Century comes to us courtesy of Tucker’s savage takedown of an Aussie shitlib “journalist.”

“Come on,” Carlson replied. “How do they get people this stupid in the media? I guess it doesn’t pay well…I don’t mean to call you stupid — maybe you’re just pretending to be.”

Heh. Well done, Mr C. But wait, there’s more. Namely, at 4:07 of this vid, where the stupid, ass-scalded bint hamhandedly badgers Tucker about gun control, kinda-sorta-indirectly defaming Carlson via an ill-advised insinuation that he bears some responsibility for mass shootings. Tucker’s devastating counterbattery cannonade is off-the-charts priceless.


Miss Thang’s dogged self-beclownment calls several quaint old aphorisms to mind: the dog futilely chasing his own tail until he finally drops from sheer exhaustion; the stubborn fool who either will not or can not admit that he/she is licked, wisely opting to simply walk away from a losing battle while he/she is still able to walk rather than having to be hauled off on a stretcher; the sage admonishment to never pick a fight with a much bigger, stronger, and/or more skilled and/or experienced opponent, etc etc.

It only gets worse for smug Down-Under “journalists” from there—deservedly so, I might add—when one of the bint’s imbecilic-droolcase colleagues makes the damnfool mistake of shoving his oar in, only to have Carlson hand him his own empty head for his trouble. This unforced error, mind, after witnessing the total evisceration of his female co-propagandist mere moments before, while it was presumably fresh in his mind (if any).

I hope y’all won’t think it gratuitously cruel of me to speculate on whether these clowns truly are too dumb, too vain, too securely cloistered amongst their own obliviously self-regarding set to grok just how YUUUGE a can of whup-ass a far better, more intellectually lissome, more articulate man than they could ever aspire to be had just opened on their hapless-loser selves.

Several more vidyas at the link, each and every one of which you are one hunnert pa-ssent guaranteed to enjoy enormously, or your money cheerfully refunded at the box office. Tucker was definitely firing on all eight that evening, deftly making mincemeat of a whole passel of credentialed professional dunderheads without ever breaking a sweat. I repeat: WELL done, sir, very well done indeed.

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The Left, eating itself

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Questions without answers, problems without solutions.

We’re well into “Pride Month” now – only another twelve or fifteen weeks to go – and, as you know, my advice to the LGBTQWERTY crowd is to enjoy it while you can. Because demography is destiny, and the successor populations imported into the west will not be hot for Pride parades. That process is already underway, and it will intensify. To reiterate:

In the end, it’s all demography… You can change all the boys into girls and all the girls into boys but in the end there aren’t enough of either to alter the outcome. You’re merely arguing about who’ll be using which bathroom on the Oblivion Express.

Or maybe who’ll be waxing which genitals on the Oblivion Express. We used to do trans waxing stories on Rush and elsewhere every so often because, for a while, thanks to the psycho-tranny from hell in British Columbia, there were rather a lot of them. But, if you’re the salon-owner getting scorched, it’s not really funny:

Trans-identified male awarded $35,000 by Ontario court after women’s salon refused to wax ‘her’ balls

By “awarded”, the Court means that the proprietor of the ladies’ salon Mad Wax in Windsor, Ontario will have to pay it to her. His name, delightfully, is Carruthers (not this Carruthers, presumably). The bepenised beauty called up to have her wedding tackle waxed on a day when the attendant in question was …oh, I’m sure you can guess:

The salon employee working that day was a devout Muslim woman who refrained from physical contact with men, and the salon owner told the trans woman that they could not find a way to accommodate her request.

In other words, there is no correct answer to this dilemma. Mr Carruthers could have instructed the devout Muslima to wax the meat-and-two-veg in question and earned himself an entirely different “human rights” complaint or, alternatively, a visit to the bottom of the Detroit River courtesy of her husband and brothers. Like I said, no correct answer; an excess of diversity; what Marx would call the internal contradictions of multiculturalism.

The court in question was the Ontario “Human Rights” Tribunal, where I beat the rap over a decade-and-a-half ago. But time creeps on and the “human rights” judges have now discovered the universal human right to have your testicles depilated by an observant Muslim lady. Try it next time you’re in Riyadh.

Oh, if only they would—every last one of them, by no later than this time tomorrow. If ever there was a problem that solved itself, the “transgender” invasion of Saudi Arabia demanding their “right,” as “women,” to have Moslems depilate their junk for them would have to be an excellent example of one.

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Happy Jumeteemf, yo!

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Arthur observes our newest made-up Nee-grow “holiday,” celebrated in accordance with the ancient traditions.

Like The Sun Rising In The East
It (is) the weekend before Juneteenth, a celebration of White people letting slaves go free and then watching the descendants of those freed slaves royally fuck up the country White people built. Since the inception of Juneteenth as a new Federal holiday in an attempt to placate blacks so they would stop burning down cities, there have been plenty of mass shootings accompanying the “holiday”. We have already had our first of 2024…

So, the big “pawdy” went exactly as one would expect, then.

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A meme out of place and time

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At first I planned to hang onto this one for use in the regularly-scheduled meme post either here or over at the Eyrie, but decided it was just too damned funny to resist giving it its own spot tonight.

See, I just KNEW them darn ((((Jooz!!!)))) had to be good for something.

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Rollin’ along

Posted on      by     

Too Aulde Jaux just keeps rolling on and on.

Biden botches Thomas Jefferson quote and falsely claims Americans couldn’t own cannons during the Civil War in gun control speech
President Biden falsely claimed Tuesday that the Second Amendment prohibits the ownership of cannons and botched a famous quote from a founding father during a speech in support of gun control.

“There has never been a time that says you could own anything you want,” Biden said in remarks at the Gun Sense University conference in Washington, DC.

“Never. You couldn’t own a cannon during the Civil War,” the 81-year-old president claimed. “No, I’m serious. Think about it.”

Actually, best not to, Jaux; too many people starting to think for themselves, seriously and carefully, about your ahistorical nitwittery can only spell Heap Big Trouble for you and yours.

The big question here is whether Bribem is just factually incorrect this time, or actively, knowingly lying again. Only his dipey-dumper knows for sure, but this next jawdropping fuckup tends to indicate…well, something, anyway, God only knows what.

Shortly after the mistake, the president flubbed a famous line from Thomas Jefferson’s 1787 letter to former Continental Army officer William Stephens Smith, in which the former president expressed his support for Americans resisting tyranny. 

“How much have you heard this phrase, ‘the blood of liberty … washes those’ – give me a break,” Biden said in a mocking tone. 

Jefferson’s quote is, “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.”

“It is it’s natural manure,” the founding father added in his letter concerning 18th century uprisings by American farmers against state and local taxes and debt collection.

My post title/opening line calls for an eminently appropriate Bachman-Turner embed, methinks.

Great song, great vid, great lyrics, great storyline, great typically-minimalist Randy Bachman solo, great babes, great cherryburst LP Standard—all of it, intro to outro, nothing but the pure, the blushful rocket-from-the-roadhouse Real Deal. I ask you people: what’s not to like here?

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Up your Pride Month

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You WILL observe the shitlib religious pieties, apostate. Or, y’know, else.

Lime Scooters Will Now Shut Down If Driven Over Pride Flag Crosswalk In Spokane, WA
Lime, a popular electric scooter and bike rental service, has announced it will be implementing a “no-go zone” around a crosswalk painted with a large Pride flag mural in Spokane, Washington. The crosswalk has become the center of much discussion after the arrest of multiple teens for making skid marks on the painted pavement.

On June 6, the Spokane Police Department announced the arrest of three teenagers on charges of 1st Degree Malicious Mischief, all in relation to the alleged vandalism of a Pride flag-painted crosswalk at the intersection of Howard Street and Spokane Falls Boulevard.

According to the press release, “911 received a complaint advising multiple subjects on scooters were causing damage to the newly painted Pride mural.”

Which, unlike so many other things, is a complaint the Shitlib Ideological Enforcement Squad will assuredly move on with genuine urgency.

While discussion surrounding the incident continues to rage on, the scooter rental company at the center of the alleged “acts of vandalism” has now issued a statement.

“All of us at Lime condemn these vile acts in no uncertain terms,” Lime Director of Government Relations Hayden Harvey told The National Desk. “At a time when our teams at Lime are beginning pride celebrations around the globe, it is disturbing to see the hate taking place in Spokane.”

Lime has now implemented a “no-go zone” over the crosswalk, meaning scooters driven over the mural will be remotely shut down. According to the company’s website, entering a “no-go zone” will cause a Lime vehicle to “gradually come to a stop,” forcing a rider to walk their scooter until it is outside the zone.

Or, alternatively, you could also just drop the dainty little sissymobile in the middle of the fucking street and leave it laying for the local Limeys to retrieve their damned selves, or hopefully be run over and smushed flat by following traffic. I know not what course others may take, but as for me…

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