Be nice – Page 20

Clinton body count: it keeps growing, and growing, and growing…

Posted on June 14, 2021June 14, 2021 by Mike

Television news anchor Christopher Sign, who in 2016 broke the news that former President Bill Clinton met with then-Attorney General Loretta Lynch, died on Saturday morning at the age of 45.

AI.com reported that the man’s death is being investigated as a suicide, according to Hoover police Lt. Keith Czeskleba.

Oh, I’m sure it is. They’ll no doubt determine that the poor guy did it by shooting himself in the head ten times, reloading, and then shooting himself several more times before finally succumbing to his “self-inflicted” wounds. As always, nothing to see here, folks, please move along.

1

Walking and chewing gum at the same time

Posted on June 7, 2021June 8, 2021 by Mike

This one’s for Ironbear.

Dr Karlyn Borysenko is one of the foremost experts when it comes to Critical Race Theory, and she took to Twitter today to call out Conservatives like Matt Walsh and The Daily Wire for caring more about trolling AOC than actually fixing a serious problem like Critical Race Theory in schools.

Here’s her Twitter thread calling out Walsh and The Daily Wire for their stunt:

You know, the whole Matt Walsh thing is just so indicative of what conservatives want.

They want people who will make their most hated politicians look foolish, even if they change no minds or convince anyone of anything.

That’s it. That’s all they care about.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard of conservatives influencers being offered a chance to actually DO something…and they refuse.
You guys are DMing me names right now…”Karlyn have you reached out to this person or that person, they’ll help”….and every single one of the names is a grifter that knows full well about the case and won’t do anything.

They know that all their followers care about is them whispering the same sweet nothing talking points in their ear, and being outraged by the right subjects and screaming about AOC being a liar….that’s all their followers want.

They show this with their actions.

If you don’t want to support people who are actually solving problems, then don’t be surprised when you have the same ones year after year after year.

But you’ll hear Matt Walsh complaining about them on his show, so I guess it’s ok.

BTW, AOC is going to win year after year after year. She’ll win as long as she wants to.

And Matt Walsh will love it because that will give him years of complaining and pranks where he doesn’t change a single person’s mind or accomplish anything of substance.

She then followed up with the damning indictment against Conservatives:

“I’m actually starting to become completely convinced that conservatives WANT critical race theory in schools because it will give them an excuse to complain about socialism all the time.”

This is a serious problem within the Conservative Movement. What gets you clicks and video views is to “destroy the libs.” That’s what has made Charlie Kirk and Ben Shapiro famous. However, just as my good friend Dr Bobby Lopez has repeatedly stated, these trollers of the Left aren’t actually fixing any problems. They are just building up their brands.

Well hey, no reason we can’t do both, right? Troll the libtards; deride them, laugh at them, bait them; humiliate and/or annoy them; all while we go on jousting with them over specific, ground-level issues as well?

Meh. At this point, it’s all just dicking around while we wait for the shooting to start. “Fighting” against CRT, lawsuits, protests and rallies, and all the rest only amount to busywork as far as I’m concerned—something to occupy us before it all goes pear-shaped. The author closes thusly:

So instead of dropping $499 to troll AOC, why not put your money where your mouth is and support a cause that can actually create a positive change in our society. Everyone is talking a great game when it comes to CRT, but where’s the follow through?

“Positive change in our society” won’t be created until some indeterminate number of pAntiFas, Black Lies Murder goons, and other traitorous miscreants both high and low have assumed room temperature due to their CLDS (Chronic Lead Deficiency Syndrome) being corrected. Nothing else is going to be sufficient, sad as it is to have to say. It’s the only “follow through” that matters. Until such time, it’s all just entertainment, nothing more.

3

Boobalicious bimbo PWNED!

Posted on June 5, 2021June 5, 2021 by Mike

Matt Walsh totally makes AOC his bitch.

Just over a week ago, my abuela fell ill. I went to Puerto Rico to see her- my 1st time in a year+ bc of COVID.

This is her home. Hurricane María relief hasn’t arrived. Trump blocked relief $ for PR.

People are being forced to flee ancestral homes, & developers are taking them. pic.twitter.com/wnRxLalA2D

— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (@AOC) June 2, 2021

Surprising precisely no one, Toothy McBigTits is playing pretty fast and loose with the truth when she blames Trump for “blocking” aid money for the Porto Reecan kleptocracy.

Two officials with the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) acknowledged during a hearing this week that the agency knowingly stalled sending hurricane relief funding to Puerto Rico after missing a legally required deadline to do so.

HUD’s chief financial officer, Irv Dennis, and David Woll, the department’s principal deputy assistant secretary for community planning and development, appeared before a House Appropriations subcommittee for a hearing on Thursday.

The officials said that the agency missed a deadline issued by Congress to start a process to help Puerto Rico receive billions in federal housing funds that Congress had allocated after Hurricane Maria hit the island in 2017.

“All of us at HUD stand shoulder to shoulder with the people of Puerto Rico,” Woll said during the hearing. “At HUD we are committed to the recovery of all Americans whose homes and communities were devastated by natural disasters, and we are steadfast in our stewardship of the funding and trust in us by you in your colleagues in Congress.”

However, the officials’ defense did little to placate Democrats.

Yeah, I bet so. Nothing ever seems to, does it?

Progressives point out problems, and conservatives solve them. Two days ago, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) tweeted about visiting her grandmother in Puerto Rico. She tweeted out pictures of a sparsely furnished home with buckets on the floor and portions of the roof falling into the living space.

Ocasio-Cortez blames the state of her abuela’s home on Hurricane Maria and President Trump withholding aid. The Daily Wire’s Matt Walsh points out the obvious:

Follows, a pithy Tweet from Walsh saying: “Shameful that you live in luxury while allowing your own grandmother to suffer in these squalid conditions.” But Matt wasn’t done yet, not by a long yard.

As you’ve heard, @AOC’s abuela is living in a dilapidated home that was ravaged by Hurricane Maria. AOC is unable to help her own grandma for whatever reason, so I have set up this Go Fund Me campaign to save her home. Please give if you can. #HelpAbuela https://t.co/F1N0Jxgnxg

— Matt Walsh (@MattWalshBlog) June 4, 2021

Of course, his Daily Wire colleagues stepped up and then challenged other members of their network to do the same…

Dave Rubin and Dan Bongino jumped in. Elon Musk and Adam Carolla don’t seem to have tweeted today. Ben Shapiro challenged Glenn Beck, Clay Travis, and Steven Crowder to join and promote the fundraiser. Other Daily Wire staff got involved, including Candace Owens and Emily Zanotti. At least 3,200 people have donated as of this writing, and the fundraiser is well over the original goal of $48,990.

Matt’s ¡SAVE MI ABUELA! fundraiser rapidly raised more than a hundred grand from generous, big-hearted Rightwing Nazi Hitlerbeasts before GoFundMe called a halt.

GoFundMe has disabled donations to a fundraiser organized by The Daily Wire’s Matt Walsh meant to help Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s (D-NY) grandmother repair her home in Puerto Rico, which was damaged by Hurricane Maria in 2017.

In an email sent to Walsh Friday night, GoFundMe said they were “in touch with the beneficiary’s family and they made clear they will not be accepting the funds raised.”

“When a beneficiary doesn’t want to accept the funds that have been raised on their behalf, it is standard practice to turn off donations, then refund all donors,” GoFundMe added.

The message from GoFundMe appears to suggest that it may not have been Ocasio-Cortez’s grandmother who directly refused the funds, but someone else in the family.

More than 5,800 people pledged to help Ocasio-Cortez’s grandmother, raising just over $100,000 in 10 hours before the fundraiser was shut down. All this in response to the congresswoman suggesting that rather than taking direct action to help her grandmother, the most important role she played in the situation was to decry “systematic injustice.”

Walsh wraps the whole sad, sorry affair up.

“Tragically this charitable effort has been sabotaged by forces outside of our control. Still I’m grateful for the outpouring of support for abuela, even if AOC isn’t. But questions remain: Why didn’t AOC help her own abuela? Why was our help turned down? We are left to speculate,” Walsh added. “In the end, our campaign raised 100 thousand dollars and could have solved a problem in ten hours that AOC couldn’t solve in four years. We can all be proud of that. As for abuela, all we can do now is pray.”

Myself, I’m still praying that AOC will soon realize that her proper place is on the pole, bobbling those fun-bags for an enraptured audience while keeping her yap firmly shut.

2

Permission: GRANTED!!!

Posted on June 4, 2021June 4, 2021 by Mike

I’ve been waiting for this my whole life.

What a relief. Umm, so to speak. Thanks, Herr Doktor Fauci!

Lifted from ye ol’ Gorillapundit. Which, by the way, if you were stumped by his add-on Who Dis earlier—and if you were, what the hell is WRONG with you, anyway?—here’s a little help.

Mark, Don, and Mel, baby. Git yo’self some.

Wish in one hand…

Posted on May 30, 2021May 30, 2021 by Mike

I do hope the poor woman isn’t holding her breath.

Attorney Sidney Powell spoke at the For God and Country Rally this Memorial Day Weekend in Dallas, Texas.

During her on-stage discussion, Sidney Powell was asked about what will happen if several states overturn their 2020 presidential election results.

Sidney Powell: We’re definitely in uncharted territory. There are cases where elections have been overturned. But there’s never been one at the presidential level where everybody will jump to point out. That doesn’t mean it can’t be done, though. There’s always the first case. And as far as I know, this is the first case of abject fraud and obtaining a coup of the United States of America. So, it’s going to have to be dealt with. It should be that he can simply be reinstated, that a new inauguration day is set. (cheers) And Biden is told to move out of the White House. And President Trump should be moved back in.

Kinda sad at this point, I must say. The only aspect of this that’s of any real interest to me is that Powell is sporting a biker-style leather vest, which I can only assume is a gesture of solidarity with the Rolling Thunder scooter trash, who have apparently decided to wave a good old-fashioned middle-finger salute at the Deep State douchewads who tried to cancel this year’s Memorial Day run.

The annual Rolling to Remember event is set to be held this weekend in the Nation’s Capital and turnout is expected to be even greater after the group was denied a permit for a staging area from the Pentagon under President Joe Biden’s leadership.

The highly anticipated event garnered much attention over the last few months after it was reported that the Pentagon had rejected a staging permit for the annual motorcycle event over coronavirus health concerns.

The event, formerly known as Rolling Thunder, is being organized by AMVETS, a veterans group, and is held annually each Memorial Day in Washington, DC. Organizers expect an even greater turnout now because of the attention they received after being denied the permit.

Speaking exclusively to Breitbart News, Joe Chenelly, the national executive director of AMVETS, said that Muriel Bowser, the mayor of the District of Columbia, granted the group permission to stage at Robert F. Kennedy Memorial Stadium.

“We’ve built out a very robust plan, great infrastructure, so Sunday morning we will be staging at RFK stadium,” Chenelly said, noting that the event is now “expecting 100,000 bikes.”

Chenelly also said that the Metropolitan Police Department has “been very cooperative” in working with organizers to make sure that safety measures are in effect for the event.

“The Pentagon telling us no and the story that created has actually driven up our expectations of how many people are coming in by quite a bit,” Chenelly added.

Bravo, brother, and a hearty attaboy for defying those junta pricks. By God, this news warms the cockles of my coal-black heart, whatever the hell “cockles” might be. Mike’s Iron Law #187: There’s always a workaround, and true Americans will always be able find it.

Home truths

Posted on May 30, 2021May 30, 2021 by Mike

Two articles that are chock-a-block with ’em.

Let’s be honest: the federal government hasn’t looked in tip-top shape for a long time, and now it’s a train wreck waiting to happen.

It’s made up of millions of petty bureaucrats who couldn’t care less about “serving the public.” Rather, they use their sinecures to exert power over (and not on behalf of) Americans and turn a tidy profit in the process. As was made clear while President Trump was in office, the president’s prerogative is routinely thwarted by an unelected administrative Leviathan that has no foundation in the Constitution’s division of government but does move to the Democratic Party’s marching orders. Congress is made up of below-average-intelligence scoundrels and prima donnas who pretend to be statesmen and lawmakers while outside lobbyists, corporate kingmakers, and foreign governments write the laws that punch the rest of us right in the gut. And the federal courts have become home to too many political hacks camouflaged in priestly robes who distort the rule of law in pursuit of partisan objectives.

Notwithstanding the timely re-emergence of fiscal conservatives every few years who promise to have an answer to America’s budgetary crisis and looming financial Armageddon, nobody honestly believes there is any way to arrest America’s runaway debt explosion and unfunded liabilities spiraling past 250 trillion dollars while one quarter of the money supply now in circulation has been created out of thin air in just the last year.

Meanwhile, the U.S. military is engaged in war in some eighty countries — or nearly half the nations on the planet — and most Americans have no idea what kind of fighting is being done on their behalf or why. They do know that while the federal government finds the logistical legerdemain to engage in global conflict, it cannot (and will not) be bothered to use any of that skill to secure the southern border — preferring instead to enable drug-traffickers and criminal gangs to wage war against American citizens while at the same time demanding that Americans relinquish their Second Amendment rights to self-protection.

But do not worry. Have no fear. We have an Intelligence Community in America that is keeping everyone safe by reading all of our emails and text messages, spying on our phone calls, and generally making sure that any American objecting to the State-enforced political correctness struggle sessions of the day be added to the government’s growing list of “extremists.” The same bunch of propagandists who could be counted on to push the Russia hoax for Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, and who will now make sure that the origins of the Wuhan Virus get covered up for the political benefit of Joe Biden, are the wizards who regularly engage in national disinformation campaigns against the American people for their own good. Was the CIA lying about Russian bounties being paid for the killing of American soldiers in Afghanistan in order to manipulate White House policy? Sure. Is military intelligence pushing UFO sightings today to distract the American people from emerging crises on the horizon? Maybe. Is there any check whatsoever on the powers of the Intelligence Community? Not likely. Does anyone in Congress seem to care? Nope.

Every last syllable a pure, 24-carat nugget of solid-gold Truth. But one way or another, directly or indirectly, all the above can be laid in the lap of the Evil Left.

Yes, I did say Evil. With a capital E. And I meant it, too.

This Weekend We Remember – The Left Is Evil
If you remember one thing this Memorial Day weekend, let it be this — leftists are horrible, cloven-hoofed sub-humans.

The word, “evil” gets tossed around like Marilyn Monroe at the Kennedy compound. Leftists believe voter ID, the wall, ICE, Trump supporters and Christmas are all “evil.” Words are like baseball mitts. The more you use them the softer they become. Kind of like how the word “racist” no longer has meaning.

FACT-O-RAMA: Using a word until it loses its meaning is referred to “semantic satiation.”

Let’s take a look down memory land and look at some classic evil.

He has a little list, consisting of but a few items. That’s okay, though; there’s no way in Hell (ahem) a complete one could ever be compiled, since there are too many new examples every day for any mere mortal to even keep up with. Anybody who tried would probably die from choking on all the sulfur and burning-pitch fumes anyway.

1

Thug Messiah

Posted on May 29, 2021May 30, 2021 by Mike

Life during the Floydian Epoch.

According to data scraped from Gun Violence Archive, in the Year One B.F. (Before Floyd) from May 25, 2019, to May 24, 2020, there were 13,024 murders committed with a firearm in the U.S.

In contrast, in the Year One A.F. (After Floyd) from May 25, 2020, to May 24, 2021, there were 17,499 gun murders, an increase of 4,475 corpses. (In contrast, the NAACP reports that 3,446 blacks were lynched in all of U.S. history.)

That’s a lot of blood that our new state religion, the worship of the holy martyr George Floyd and his racial brethren, has on its hands.

So, that’s what the first year of the Floyd Era was like: mayhem on the streets of black America.

What will the future of Floydism be?

It’s hard to predict because it’s so novel in human history for a culture to extol as its moral master race a group exalted for their ineptitude. Consider the strangeness of Americans worshipping George Floyd, an ugly brute who lived an ugly life of major and minor crime that brought him to an ugly end. Then, think about the other BLM martyrs.

When the Germans started worshipping themselves as the master race, it was alarming for the rest of the world because they were known to be competent enough that they just might conquer Europe from London to the Urals.

But now that the citizens of the world’s superpower are being raised to worship blackness as our ideal of beauty and merit, how is that supposed to work?

Perhaps the people who know how to run large organizations realize, deep down, despite all their press releases to the contrary, that there are not vast pools of untapped African-American talent out there ready to take over after a little training. American institutions have been hungry for adept blacks since the 1960s, with numerous diversity pushes having failed already.

Charles Murray is coming out of semi-retirement to publish a book next month, Facing Reality, to remind the reading public that the two most exhaustively documented findings of the American social sciences are that blacks are, on average, more violent and less intelligent.

But why does he have to? Why have we wound up with a culture where so many are oblivious to the obvious?

Easy: because we sat back, all complacent and supine, while Leftists infiltrated and then annihilated our political and cultural institutions, when what we should have been doing was making it mandatory to shoot the bastards on sight the moment they reared their ugly heads. Then again, though, I suppose in a way it’s kinda nice to have a new Black Jesus. I was getting pretty tired of the previous one, who still refuses to do us all the courtesy of just drying up and blowing away.

1

LeGoBTQEtc

Posted on May 21, 2021May 21, 2021 by Mike

Why yes, there really IS nothing they won’t politicize and, ultimately, ruin. Why do you ask?

Lego Announces Its Gender-Nonbinary Playset Featuring a Black Drag Queen

The story goes on from there, but I can’t. Something a bit more subtle than the renowned Double Facepalm is called for here, I think.

Ahh, but does this ridiculousness get even more ridiculous, you ask? It appears so, yes.

Lego Unveils New Genderless Bricks With No Male/Female Connectors
BILLUND, DENMARK—As part of its new push toward inclusion and diversity, Lego has unveiled a new set of genderless bricks without male or female connectors. The entirely smooth bricks have no suggestive male nubs or female receptors and instead have entirely smooth, androgynous sides all around.

“This represents a new era in inclusive building bricks!” said Lego spokesperson Bjørn Irkestøm-Slater Walker. “Finally — anyone can play with our legos without being triggered by those horried male and female parts that imply they’re only supposed to fit in one direction. Every brick can stack on any other brick without anyone misgendering anything or making a brick feel bad because it only fits in one way.”

“I mean, I guess they’re pretty much just blocks now,” he admitted. “But they’re INCLUSIVE blocks!”

The bricks will still, of course, instantly kill you if you step on them.

I’ll leave it my readers to decide which of the above might be satire. MIGHT be. Back to NCFOM to wrap things up.

The Dismal Tide—a wonderful turn of phrase that hit me where I lived when I first heard it, from one of the very best movies I ever saw—is beginning to look more like a tsunami.

Hunter becomes the hunted

Posted on May 19, 2021May 19, 2021 by Mike

Stay on his worthless ass like a bad rash.

Hunter Biden Runs Back Into His House and Slams the Door When Confronted by Journalist and Huge Digital Billboard
Although he has recently granted several softball interviews to friendly corporate media outlets as part of his tone-deaf rehabilitation book tour, Hunter Biden on Monday had no time for an independent journalist who had just a few simple questions to ask.

Hunter initially came down to answer the door when journalist and filmmaker Phelim McAleer showed up outside of his home in Venice, California, but as soon as he realized that McAleer was not a state-approved journalist, “he ran back inside his home and slammed the door,” according to McAleer’s website Unreported Stories.

To be fair, it’s possible that the giant mobile digital billboard McAleer brought with him spooked the scandal-plagued Biden back into his house.

The billboard displayed a rotating menu of pointed questions regarding Cracky McPedophile’s Burisma scam, the Big Guy, and other pertinent topics. After Hunter’s cowardly duck ‘n’ cover, the two intrepid journalists then cruised the rig around Hunter’s posh West LA ‘hood a while before heading over to the Santa Monica Pier for a spell.

The stunt was the work of married filmmaking team Ann McElhinney and Phelim McAleer, who have made the Biden the subject of their latest project, “My son Hunter,” The Hunter Biden Movie.

McElhinney and McAleer were also behind the highly rated movie “Gosnell: The Trial Of America’s Biggest Serial Killer,” and the “FBI Lovebirds: UnderCovers” play that was based on the steamy texts of FBI agents Peter Strzok and Lisa Page.

Before that, the feisty Irish couple took on the global warming hoax with their documentary “Not Evil, Just Wrong.”

They are currently crowdfunding for their new film about Hunter Biden which they say will “expose the truth behind Hunter Biden’s business and corruption scandals and their direct connection to President Joe Biden.”

“Hunter Biden is terrified of the truth about the corruption being revealed,” explained McAleer. “That’s why he ran back in his house when he realized journalists were there to ask him serious questions. He’s used to easy questions from his Hollywood friends like Jimmy Kimmel, but when he’s faced with the serious allegations against him and his family – he runs scared. Hunter may not have answered us today but we will be back and we will have our questions answered.”

Good on ’em for their tenacity and all, but it’s a safe bet these two brave souls will be quietly “removed” by FBI goons long, long before a single one of those questions gets answered.

Thanks, but no thanks

Posted on May 13, 2021May 13, 2021 by Mike

Nobody needs to ever worry about tripping over me trying to get themselves an Impossible Whopper, I can tell you that much.

All of a sudden, we are being bombarded with agit-prop in favor of eating bugs and plant-based proteins, rather than eating beef and chicken. Beef seems to be the primary target, but that could simply be the result of the Left’s long war against cows. The Left believes cows are part of a secret conspiracy against Gaia to poison the atmosphere. The “cow fart” conspiracy is as real to them as the ongoing Russian conspiracy.

A few years ago, the fast food chain Burger King introduced something called an “impossible burger” which is made from grass clippings. The claim was that it tasted just like their regular burgers but was made from plants. Why they did this was never asked or explained. Up to that point, the number of people saying, “Man, I could really go for a burger made from grass clippings right now” was zero. In fact, the number remains stubbornly pegged at zero. No one wants this.

Now, billion dollar companies make dumb decisions. History is full of ideas cooked up in corporate offices that turn out to be laughably stupid. Maybe this grass burger idea is just another example, like new Coke. The thing is though, they did not invent the grass burger or the idea of it. There are two companies pushing this idea. Impossible Products and Beyond Meat are producing fake meat products. It was the former who approached Burger King with the plant burger idea.

Now, it is important to note here that these new fake meat products do not taste like meat as is claimed. They taste like what people who have never tasted meat think meat tastes like to humans. The fake beef has the mouth-feel of oatmeal. It is a weird sort of grainy slime when you eat it. It is not horrible and if you were starving you would probably eat it, but cannibalism would start to look appealing. Like the previous attempts to create fake meat, this new stuff is not very good.

Ain’t it the damnable truth. Back in the day, my roomie in NYC was unfortunate enough to do a short sentence condemned to dating a vegan chick. He brought home a pack of “Not Dogs” once on her recommendation. In a heroic demonstration of self-sacrifice and solidarity with the silly bint, Kev decided to try the abominable things out, and despite severe misgivings I agreed to join him. After about three bites, the last of which I spat into the kitchen trash can with no small vim, it was clear that her blandishments of “Ohh, they taste JUST LIKE real hotdogs!” were either delusional or just a damned brazen lie.

I always found this veg-head compulsion to make grandiose and extravagant claims regarding the scrumptious flavor of “vegan alternatives to meat” greatly annoying. You want a hot dog, eat a goddamned hot dog and get on with your life. If you actually LIKE Not Dogs—and you’re bugfuck nuts if you do—please do the rest of us the courtesy of not trying to kid anybody, including your empty-headed self, about what they do and do not taste like. Just eat the putrid things and leave sane people alone.

But ZMan understands what the whole exercise is really all about, which actually involves several traits, tactics, and objectives typical of our Progressivist betters. It is absolutely, positively NOT about flavor. That’s just a ruse they employ to trick the rest of us into sharing their misery.

The point is the companies pushing this do not have a better mousetrap. They are not even making that claim. In fact, they make it clear that their products are not better than what they seek to replace. In their public demonstrations they concede that it is, at best, a close facsimile. Instead, they claim their products are morally superior. You see, the burger made from grass clippings and dried leaves pleases Gaia. She will therefore reward the grass eaters and punish the meat eaters.

At some point, somebody needs to start punishing the Progtards. The weedy, sunken-chested feebs have gotten well above their proper station, and must be reminded of their proper place in the grand scheme of things and put back into it. Although I guess having to choke down Not Dogs and other such horrible swill is probably punishment enough.

Update! Now THAT’S what I’m talkin’.

Via WeirdDave.

What goes around comes around

Posted on April 18, 2021April 18, 2021 by Mike

Or: Karma is a brass-plated bitch.

Maricopa woman finds tires slashed and a severed finger in her driveway

Right off the bat, you know this is gonna be good.

A couple in Maricopa woke up to their tires slashed and a severed finger in the driveway on Thursday morning.

“I literally have been laughing all day because if I don’t, I might cry,” said Francesca Wikoff.

I confess, I’m already giggling a bit over here myself.

The truck belongs to the Wikoff family. Wikoff, a former volunteer firefighter and EMT, has the stomach for this sort of thing. “It’s pretty comical. You would think that if you’re gonna go to the hospital, especially if you just severed your finger off, that you would take said finger with you,” said Wikoff.

Wikoff believes the tire slasher cut her back tire then cut his finger off on accident. “We assume it happened at 10:30 last night because we had our neighbor that lives next to him heard a loud scream and then a car speeding off,” said Wikoff.

The Maricopa mother believes the finger belongs to her neighbor because they argued with him the night before and a trail of blood leads to his house.

“Pretty comical” doesn’t even BEGIN to cover it, Miz W. Be sure to click on over for her closing quip, which is a doozy.

Some SCIENCE!™ you can believe in

Posted on April 17, 2021April 17, 2021 by Mike

Another one of those too-long-open-tab items, so I can’t recall who I should offer credit for it. But I’m confident you’ll agree it was worth the delay.

AN FAQ ABOUT YOUR NEW BIRTH CONTROL: THE MUSIC OF RUSH

What’s in it?
Every woman deserves to know exactly what’s in her birth control. Rush is a Canadian progressive rock power trio whose golden era is generally considered to be from 1975 to 1982. Thankfully, for your long-term family planning strategy, the band has an extensive discography that spans from 1974 to 2012.

The music of Rush is marked by erratic signature changes, unconventional chord structures, heavy use of synthesizers and electronic effects, and, most importantly, lead vocals that sound like an ancient witch is being exorcised out of your body with live wires. In less clinical terms, imagine taking the most annoying parts of science fiction and Libertarianism, isolating them, and then somehow blending them up into a cursed musical slurry. Then, infuse that slurry with a distinctive incel vibe, and presto! You’ve got one of the most powerful contraception options on the market.

How effective is it?
No one has ever gotten pregnant while listening to the music of Rush. Clinical studies show that when combined with watching a male sexual partner play air bass along to the extended solo in “Freewill,” the contraceptive efficacy of Rush approaches 100%.

Will I experience any discomfort?
Yes.

How does it work?
The music of Rush is a tri-modal contraceptive, meaning it acts on three biological systems — endocrine, reproductive, and psychological. Together, this system is known as “Surge, Purge, and Loss of Urge.”

Surge: When a woman hears the ill-considered, stereotypical East-Asian riff at the beginning of “A Passage to Bangkok,” her pituitary gland floods the system with the hormone disgustagen. You’re familiar with this naturally-occurring hormone as it’s released by your body when your male colleague tells you to smile or when someone says, “You’re cute when you’re angry.” This makes Rush a safe, natural alternative to copper IUDs.

Purge: The purge phase begins when the vocals kick in. You’ll think you’re hearing jaws of life prying open a metal car door after a devastating accident. This is actually the testicles-in-a-vise banshee wail of vocalist and bassist Geddy Lee. His countertenor falsetto, combined with the surge of disgustagen, work in concert to trigger a panic response in the ovaries. Your reproductive system intuitively knows that it should not bring a child into a world that would reward this music with success. The ovaries will start tossing eggs overboard like they’re bailing out water from a sinking canoe.

Loss of Urge: The first two contraceptive phases of the music of Rush work synergistically with Loss of Urge, your most reliable tool in pregnancy prevention. About 30 seconds into the melodic meandering and feral-cat-being-threatened-by-a-raccoon vocals, a woman will experience a complete and total shut down of her sex drive. At this point, her legs will snap shut with the spring tension of a bear trap, making intercourse all but impossible.

Are there any side effects?
Common side effects include:

Skin crawling

Jaw clenching

Shuddering

Loss of social status

Embarrassment

Some women report feeling incredibly uncool. You may develop medium-to-severe irritation when your male sexual partner gives an impassioned ten-minute speech on how Neil Peart was the greatest percussionist in human history.

You have many options when it comes to birth control. Ask your doctor if the music of Rush is right for you.

Heh. If you ask me, the “music” of Rush isn’t right for anybody.

Ghastly!

Posted on April 10, 2021April 10, 2021 by Mike

Haven’t mentioned the death of Prince Phillip here yet, because…well, because meh, honestly. But then I saw this.

The royal consort of the UK has died at age 99. An acerbic individual, here are a selection of Prince Philip’s greatest hits, including his long-running wars against Tom Jones and Elton John, from a 2011 article in The Independent:

1. “Ghastly.” Prince Philip’s opinion of Beijing, during a 1986 tour of China.

2. “Ghastly.” Prince Philip’s opinion of Stoke-on-Trent, as offered to the city’s Labour MP Joan Walley at Buckingham Palace in 1997.

7. “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?” Asked of a Scottish driving instructor in 1995.

8. “Damn fool question!” To BBC journalist Caroline Wyatt at a banquet at the Elysée Palace after she asked Queen Elizabeth if she was enjoying her stay in Paris in 2006.

11. “We don’t come here for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves.” During a trip to Canada in 1976.

13. “British women can’t cook.” Winning the hearts of the Scottish Women’s Institute in 1961.

15. “What do you gargle with – pebbles?” To Tom Jones, after the Royal Variety Performance, 1969. He added the following day: “It is very difficult at all to see how it is possible to become immensely valuable by singing what I think are the most hideous songs.”

16. “It’s a vast waste of space.” Philip entertained guests in 2000 at the reception of a new £18m British Embassy in Berlin, which the Queen had just opened.

18. “If it has four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.” Said to a World Wildlife Fund meeting in 1986.

22. “I would like to go to Russia very much – although the bastards murdered half my family.” In 1967, asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union.

Good, goooood squishy, that is. More equally succulent Royal badinage at the link. May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest, Your Highness.

Doin’ the dirty boogie

Posted on April 8, 2021April 8, 2021 by Mike

WARNING: Some of you more genteel types will definitely want to avert your eyes from what follows, which I’ll tuck below the fold just as a courtesy. The embedded and/or linked material is, by all civilized standards, not safe for work—or for polite company in places outside the office, probably. Vulgar old bastid that I am, I think it’s just hilarious. Continue reading “Doin’ the dirty boogie” →

Backscat

Posted on April 6, 2021April 6, 2021 by Mike

Related to the previous post, yes, but I had someplace else I wanted to go with this theme and decided to give it its own place in the sun.

All-Star Game Moved From Atlanta To Uyghur Prison Camp Yard
ATLANTA, GA—Spokespeople for Major League Baseball announced today that the All-Star Game this summer will be moved from Atlanta, due to its egregious voting laws, to a Uyghur prison camp yard, where there aren’t any bad voting laws at all.

The game will be held in the spacious prison yard, which features a tall barbed-wire fence and a modest outfield. The venue features lots of free labor, so every role from the ball boys to the concession vendors won’t cost the league a dime. In fact, the workers are already happily chalking the baselines and tending the grass, since if they don’t, they will be murdered.

“We must move the All-Star game to a place that shares our values,” said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. “This prison yard is absolutely perfect, and they’re giving it to us absolutely free. What a friend we have in Communist China!”

“Most importantly, the prison camp has no ban on early voting, since there is no voting, and no law against giving voters water, since there are no voters. Or water.”

In case you didn’t know already, the Bee is referencing Coca Cola’s ongoing more-than-cozy relationship with some truly rancid Commie dictatorships, China included. Anyways, know how I’m always going on about how working at the Bee has to be one of the toughest jobs in the world, given the near-impossibility of satirizing the overall state of affairs these days?

Well. About all that.

MLB Moves All-Star Game to Blue State with Stronger Election Laws Than Georgia

After pulling the All-Star Game from Atlanta over a Georgia election integrity law in line with the majority of U.S. states and most nations around the world, MLB is awarding the game to…drum roll please…the blue state of Colorado.

Here is the clincher though: Colorado has voter ID to vote in person, requires signature verification for mail-in ballots (unlike Georgia, which requires last four of Social Security number or driver’s license number), and a similar ban on food and water being given away by electioneers that Georgia has.

The All-Star Game being pulled from the Braves will cost Cobb County, where the stadium is hosted, and the surrounding areas an estimated $100 million in tourist revenue.

Awww, what a shame. I can’t even remember the last time ATL (where I lived for two years myself back in the late 90s) had a Republican mayor, so it is only meet and just that Duh Peepul get what they voted for—good and hard.

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