Flotsam and/or Jetsam

The Passion of Big Burly Mike

Posted on March 10, 2023 by Mike

Can you spot the bear-trap the writer of this piece blithely waving away the scarifying possibility of Moochelle running for Prexy in ’24 gets snagged in?

Michelle Obama Is Not Coming to Save the Democrats

I love a good conspiracy theory. Aliens, ancient builders, Bigfoot—I will absolutely click on that headline and read the latest conspiracy, no matter how fanciful or ludicrous. Everyone has a harmless personal foible, right? And in the times we live in now, shadowy government conspiracies and UFOs are no longer just for “The X Files.”

My favorite new conspiracy theory goes like this: the Democrats know they are in big trouble for 2024. They have this addled, dementia-riddled, diaper-wearing octogenarian and his dreadful wife occupying the White House, and he’s become an embarrassment. These days he makes three to four hair-curling, cringey gaffes per week, falls up the stairs to Air Force One every time he tries to trot up them to project American strength and vigor, and has been credibly accused of passing gas in front of the Queen Consort of England. But Democrats can’t abandon him before the primaries because, well, Kamala. So Biden will announce he is running again but will withdraw sometime around the Democratic National Convention so as to clear the presidential field for…

Michelle Obama.

The stench of desperation is hilarious, isn’t it? That’s how bad the field of Democratic presidential prospects is. Democrats must be pretty frantic for someone to have conjured up and floated this rumor. A recent poll indicated 72 percent of Americans don’t want Biden to run again in 2024. Biden will be 82 shortly after the 2024 election. Is this Michelle Obama rumor supposed to give Democrats hope? To keep them from abandoning Biden because just wait, Michelle is waiting in the wings to save their party from Bad Orange Man, or even worse, Ron DeSantis?

Please. I’ll believe aliens taught Bigfoot how to make crop circles in Peru before I buy this one. Michelle Obama hates politics, hates voters, and hates Washington D.C., and not necessarily in that order.

I don’t believe it for a millisecond. Michelle Obama is living her best life right now, the life she has always wanted and felt that she deserved (if her husband hadn’t been a community organizer obsessed with politics who didn’t make any money and forced her to support the family). She’s completely free of the restraint of politics. Now she can say whatever she wants about people she used to have to pretend to like. Polls name her consistently as the most admired woman in America. You think she’s giving any of that up to schmooze and take photos with donors, or hit the campaign trail in Iowa, or spend the night in one-star hotels in Pennsylvania? Not likely.

Maybe so, maybe not. But all the well-known trappings of fame, wealth, and power aside, it would be best not to leave out of our calculations the overwhelming allure of the one enticement that might prove powerful enough to turn even Burly Mike’s big ugly head, creating a 180 degree shift in whatever passes for “thinking” therein, expressible thusly: First Black Female President In US History.

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Lobbing a doo-doo bomb at the Gooks

Posted on March 9, 2023March 10, 2023 by Mike

Okay, this one’s just too hilarious not to put up here.

It’s True! A toilet was used as an aerial bomb during the Vietnam War

On November 4, 1965, some Vietnamese came across a very strange object that looked as if it had been dropped from the sky. Was it a bomb? Well, it had tail fins and a nose like a bomb. But it was white, and shaped like – a toilet?

It was a toilet in fact. It had been dropped by a VA-25 A-1 Skyraider on a mission to the Mekong Delta in South Vietnam. It had come from Dixie Station, an aircraft carrier base in the South China Sea. The plane’s pilot was CDR Clarence ‘Bill’ Stoddard.

As Stoddard approached his target, he began preparations for attack. He read the ordnance (list of weapons the aircraft carried) to Forward Air Control. At the end of the list, he read ‘and one codenamed Operation Sani-flush.’ What was Stoddard talking about?

The story of the toilet drop was told by Captain Clint Johnson, the pilot of another VA-25 A-1 Skyraider. The toilet was a damaged one that was going to be thrown overboard anyway. But some plane captains decided to rescue it, dress it up to look like a bomb, and drop it in commemoration of the 6 million pounds of ordnance that had been dropped by the U.S. Air Force. The Air Control team said it made a whistling sound as it came down, and that it had almost struck the plane as it came off. A film was made of the drop using a video camera mounted on the wing.

Just as the toilet was being shot off, Johnson said,’ we got a 1MC message from the bridge, “What the hell was on 572’s right wing?” There were a lot of jokes with air intelligence about germ warfare. I wish that we had saved the movie film.’

I can’t believe nobody at the storied Strike Fighter Squadron 25 (Fist of the Fleet) DID; it would speak very poorly indeed of all involved if they didn’t. But knowing Navy combat aviators as I do, and I do, I’d be willing to bet that CDR Stoddard at least might’ve glommed a copy for himself, which is probably still floating around (ahem) out there somewhere—making it the absolutely coolest family heirloom in all human history. I certainly hope that’s the case, anyway.

Before you ask, yes, there are pictures, and They. Are. Good.

DooDooBomb

Too, too perfect.

All this talk of the Able Dog and pictures and such-like practically demands a re-link of this old post, wherein you’ll find pics of one of the greatest experiences of my entire life, to wit: actually piloting one. It was arranged for me by my late, lamented cuz CPT Reggie “Regbo” Carpenter, God rest him.

See, Reg had an older friend who just happened to be the proud owner of an A1D, an Able Dog enthusiast scheduled to be flying at an annual airshow up in Hickory that Reggie had been instrumental in founding and running.

Reg didn’t tell me so beforehand, but as it turned out setting up a free-of-charge ride in a Douglas Skyraider would be just the beginning for me that fine day, the sneaky bastid. Although that would certainly have been enough and to spare, I would’ve been more than satisfied with it.

To my eternal delight, Regbo’s bud had me help out with the preflight walk-around when me, my cousin Mark, and my brother presented our giddy selves at the A1D’s assigned parking spot for our gratis check ride. I was then asked to fill out the preflight checklist form once I’d gotten myself strapped into the right seat.

Perhaps it was the pilot’s subtle way of making sure I knew at least something of what he’d soon have me doing, I dunno. If so, I wouldn’t blame him at all for his judicious exercise of caution. I was a complete stranger to this guy; whatever assurances Reg may have given him to the contrary, for all he knew, he was about to relinquish complete command and control of his cherished, expensive, and increasingly rare (3,180 built, fewer than 20 still airworthy) aircraft to a clueless noob who knew no more about flying a plane than most people do about the construction of a tokamak reactor.

Once we were wheels-up and level, he offered me the stick, whereupon I murmured a duly-stupefied “co-pilot’s airplane” through a grin so wide I nearly swallowed my own ears. After letting me ferociously toss that surprisingly-nimble pig all over the sky for a good twenty minutes or so, he pointed down to a house below (visible through the port cockpit window in one of the pics from the earlier CF post) and said, “See that house down there? That’s where my daughter and her husband live. Pilot’s airplane,” thereby assuming command of the trusty old warbird again.

From there, we racked back around to enter the landing pattern, which was crowded with a flight of three vintage Stearman biplanes in the queue ahead of us as we were coming out of the break onto final ourselves. A pic of them through the canopy:

Sflight

The pilot was having trouble spotting the Stearman flight and asked me if I had ‘em visually, which I did after a moment’s scan of the airspace ahead. I then acted as his eyes in the sky, literally, helping to walk him all the way to a gentle, trouble-free touchdown—the most deflating, depressing part of every flight, for every aviator.

Because that’s the sad, sad moment, see, when it hits you that the fun is truly over, until the next time you’re privileged to take to the air once more, and truly live again.

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1

Space Farce

Posted on March 9, 2023 by Mike

FederalGovCo, as is its usual wont, is putting the cart far, FAR before the horse. Hell, you could say it doesn’t even have a horse. Or a cart, for that matter.

There’s a new push to create a Space National Guard. Lawmakers say the price is right.

Lawmakers from both parties have failed — twice — to give the Space Force its own Space National Guard, which they say the new service needs in order to draw on skilled personnel, just like the Army does with the National Guard.

Now, supporters of creating the Space Guard have mounted a fresh pressure campaign with a revised pitch to win over the Biden administration and other opponents: it’s not as expensive as you think.

It’s the latest round in a cross-party turf war that pits members of Congress and National Guard leaders against fellow lawmakers and an administration wary that standing up a separate Space Guard — which would see some current members of the Air National Guard transfer over to the new service — will result in more expensive bureaucracy.

Before starting in on any fanciful speculation regarding some entirely-notional Space National Guard, whatever the price, the goobermint might first want to see about addressing its current lack of any ability to get men into space at all, perhaps. Because as things now stand, the one and only person in the US who’s actually capable of doing anything more than just talk about it is Elon Musk.

Which, to be honest, I’m perfectly okay with.

(Via Glenn)

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Problematic

Posted on March 9, 2023 by Mike

I must say, this Tweet certainly nailed me to the floor.

What is an unpopular opinion you hold? pic.twitter.com/UalAmLbUIR

— Culture Critic (@Culture_Crit)

March 9, 2023

Errmmm…all of ’em?

4

They Live!

Posted on March 9, 2023 by Mike

If you haven’t yet seen John Carpenter’s 1988 cinematic masterpiece, what the hell are you waiting for? Lots of fun facts to be found in IMDb’s Trivia section on this criminally underrated film.

John Carpenter brought real “homeless folks” into the production for several scenes and smaller characters and gave them food as well as paychecks. “I thought that was a pretty classy thing to do,” said Roddy Piper.

The line “I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I’m all out of bubble gum” was ad-libbed by Roddy Piper. According to director John Carpenter, Piper had previously written the line in his notebook of potential verbal bits during his wrestling career. He shared the notebook with Carpenter, and they agreed that this particular line fit the character and the film perfectly. Piper went on to use it at a wrestling match.

The big fight sequence was designed, rehearsed and choreographed in the back-yard of director John Carpenter’s production office. The fight between Nada (Roddy Piper) and Frank (Keith David) was only supposed to last twenty seconds, but Piper and David decided to fight it out for real, only faking the hits to the face and groin. They rehearsed the fight for three weeks. Carpenter was so impressed he kept the scene intact, which runs five minutes, twenty seconds.

John Carpenter wanted a truly rugged individual to play Nada. He cast wrestler Roddy Piper in the lead role after seeing him in WrestleMania III (1987).

Vince McMahon didn’t want Roddy Piper to do the film. “Yeah, I figured,” said John Carpenter. McMahon told Piper that he would find him a different film at the same pay rate within four weeks, but Piper passed and ended up splitting with the WWF. Carpenter asks why, and Piper states plainly that McMahon is a control freak. “When I came back to wrestling I was twice as important as when I left,” he says and credits Carpenter and the success of the film. “The politics of that business is something I don’t get,” says Carpenter.

One of the alien TV broadcasts refers to the director by name. The alien commentators (who looks a lot like Siskel & Ebert) are complaining about sex and violence in the media, and the dialog breaks off with the words, “Film-makers like George A. Romero and John Carpenter have to show some restraint. They’re simply—.”

Roddy Piper’s character never gives his name nor is he referred to by name throughout the entire movie. He is simply listed as “Nada” in the credits, a reference to the character George Nada in Ray Faraday Nelson’s short story “Eight O’Clock in the Morning”, from which the film was adapted.

Roddy Piper credited John Carpenter and “They Live” with jump-starting the wrestler-turned-actor migration. “I was the first wrestler ever in the history of wrestling to star in a major motion studio picture that became #1 box office of the weekend, and that gave the itch to I don’t know how many wrestlers. And not one of them to this day has put out a quality picture like this, and not one of them has had a #1 hit like this.”

The role of Nada was originally written for Kurt Russell. But John Carpenter felt he should cast somebody else after casting Russell in four of his films prior to this one: Elvis (1979), Escape from New York (1981), The Thing (1982) and Big Trouble in Little China (1986).

On the commentary, Carpenter pointed out that Piper has made more movies than he has. “I’ve only made 20,” says the director. “Yeah, but you made 20 good ones,” replies Piper.

Plenty more where that came from, of course, and the Goofs page makes for some fun and fascinating reading also, as it always does. I couldn’t say what it was exactly that got me to thinking about They Live earlier today after all these years, but upon reflection it’s really kind of obvious: given the events of this past week, the film has never been more apposite, more directly and pungently relevant, than it is now. John Carpenter isn’t just a gifted director and writer; he’s a fucking prophet.

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Celebrity dish

Posted on March 8, 2023March 8, 2023 by Mike

Toby, we hardly knew ye.

Why is Tobey Maguire banned from Marvel?

Sony/MCU for the most part are no longer interested in working with Toby McGuire because of his many personal failings which have affected his acting career.

First of all, Toby Maguire has been historically hard to work with. Despite his affable appearance, Toby is an incredible difficult and often unpleasant human being. When it came to his earlier career, he reportedly had multiple issues with co-stars on various movie sets.

Secondly, during the filming of the third Spider-Man film Maguire concocted a plan to squeeze more money out of the Sony. Maguire tried to squeeze even more money out of the studio by naming an exorbitantly high fee.

The actor kept complaining of back pain and demanded that doctors be constantly present on set. It came to the point where a medic was actually measuring out the number of steps that Maguire could make in front of the camera without endangering his health.

All of this put the fate of the movie in jeopardy, and producers started thinking of replacing Maguire with the more sensible Jake Gyllenhaal.

Which, apparently, they decided against. Makes no diff to me either way; personality flaws aside, I thought Maguire did a fine job as Spidey. Then again, I haven’t seen any of the Spiderman flicks other than the first two, and likely won’t.

Maguire also has a horrible gambling addiction and made headlines from his undignified behavior and actions at the frequent underground poker casinos that was set up for elite rich actors and actresses.

The gamblers used to meet at luxury hotels in the atmosphere of utter secrecy. There was no shortage of those willing to play with a world-famous movie star: bankers and tycoons were regularly losing to Maguire by hundreds of thousands of dollars.

One eye witness described Maguire’s behavior:

by Richard Johnson

Former “Spider-Man” actor Tobey Maguire a regular winner in high-stakes poker games “was the worst tipper, the best player, and the absolute worst loser,” according to Molly Bloom, who organized games for Maguire, Leonardo DiCaprio and Ben Affleck.

A Vanity Fair excerpt of Bloom’s new memoir, “Molly’s Game” (ItBooks/HarperCollins), tells how a cocktail waitress from Colorado became Hollywood’s “Poker Princess,” taking home more than $50,000 a night.

Bloom, 36, details how the games ended for good when Maguire decided she was making too much money. The “Seabiscuit” star humiliated her in front of the other players, ordering her to “bark like a seal who wants a fish” for a $1,000 chip.

She tried to laugh it off, but Maguire persisted, “I’m not kidding. What’s wrong? You’re too rich now? You won’t bark for a thousand dollars?”

So in conclusion, Sony/MCU and most production companies will no longer hire Toby Maguire because of his many issues.

Oof. Oh well, assholes gotta asshole, I suppose. Be all that as it may, he’ll always be Spiderman to me.

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1

How to fix it

Posted on March 6, 2023 by Mike

Endorsed, wholeheartedly.

College Should Be More Like Prison
The inmates I teach are serious, disciplined, hard-working students, eager to engage with ideas.

Never have I been more grateful to teach where I do: at a men’s maximum-security prison. My students there, enrolled in a for-credit college program, provide a sharp contrast with contemporary undergraduates. These men are highly motivated and hard-working. They tend to read each assignment two or three times before coming to class and take notes as well. Some of them have been incarcerated for 20 or 30 years and have been reading books all that time. They would hold their own in any graduate seminar. That they have had rough experiences out in the real world means they are less liable to fall prey to facile ideologies. A large proportion of them are black and Latino, and while they may not like David Hume’s or Thomas Jefferson’s ideas on race, they want to read those authors anyway. They want, in short, to be a part of the centuries-long conversation that makes up our civilization. The classes are often the most interesting part of these men’s prison lives. In some cases, they are the only interesting part.

Best of all from my selfish point of view as an educator, these students have no access to cellphones or the internet. Cyber-cheating, even assuming they wanted to indulge in it, is impossible. But more important, they have retained their attention spans, while those of modern college students have been destroyed by their dependence on smartphones. My friends who teach at Harvard tell me administrators have advised them to change topics or activities several times in each class meeting because the students simply can’t focus for that long.

If prison inmates, many of whom have committed violent crimes, can pay close attention for a couple of hours, put aside their political and personal differences, support one another’s academic efforts, write eloquent essays without the aid of technology and get through a school year without cheating, is it too much to ask university students to do the same?

Most of them, yes. They won’t, because they can’t. Never having been subject to much in the way of self-discipline or respect for any sort of authority, up to and including parental; possessed of little to no interest in actual education or self-betterment; born, weaned, and raised sucking down the bitter milk of self-indulgence, unearned praise, overentitlement, and low expectations—it is indeed too much to ask. They have been spared the rod, yielding the results predicted by the old biblical homily. That shouldn’t come as any big surprise, to any parent worthy of the name.

(Via VP)

A real headscratcher

Posted on March 6, 2023 by Mike

Another of what I’ve become fond of calling “A Question For The Ages™.”

How on earth did they build this without power tools or modern machinery? pic.twitter.com/PuRW1NUbCG

— Culture Critic (@Culture_Crit) March 6, 2023

And without the aid of a single Neegrow from Wakanda, either. Who, as they incessantly inform us, built absolutely everything worth building. Or, y’know, inventing, writing, composing, even imagining.

It is to laugh…and laugh, and laugh, and laugh

Posted on March 5, 2023March 5, 2023 by Mike

Uganda’s president ain’t have any, thenksveddymuch.

Ugandan President Has Hilarious Response to LGBTQ Activists’ Request

In a recently posted Twitter clip of what appears to be a press conference, a woman asks, “The gay community in Uganda is requesting to have a meeting with you, would you give them an ear—“ The Ugandan president interrupts to ask, “What?” The woman switches her word, using the accurate “homosexual” instead of “gay.” Through most of its existence as a word, “gay” had nothing to do with homosexuality and is used by leftists as a positive term meant to mask the real perversion of homosexuality.

”The homosexuals in Uganda, they are requesting to have an audience with you—“ the woman then pauses because Museveni bursts out laughing. As the room joins in, even the woman starts to giggle, as if she somehow realizes for a moment too how preposterous LGBTQ ideology is. She then tries to stammer out her question as the clip ends with the president still laughing. If only other leaders around the world laughed off the truly ridiculous LGBTQ propaganda circulating! Maybe there would be fewer people claiming the pronouns “they/them,” taking kids to drag shows, putting up men in dresses as the faces of “Women’s Month,” or identifying as “cake gender.”

In a more serious vein, the Christian Ugandan president has made it clear that he sees homosexuality and LGBTQ perversions as wrong. Homosexuality can be legally punished in Uganda, and its parliament is reportedly investigating homosexuality in schools (if only the American government would conduct such an investigation). Museveni reportedly said last month that his country will not be legitimizing homosexuality and that Western nations need to stop trying to force LGBTQ ideology on Uganda.

Uganda is a majority Christian nation trying to adhere to Christian principles while under pressure from woke imperialist powers attempting to force leftist agendas on African countries regardless of what the Africans themselves want. Lawmakers in the Ugandan parliament are attempting to revive a bill against homosexuality, which India Today describes in leftist hysteria as “anti-LGBTQ.” Uganda also suffers from radical Muslim terrorism, as the Islamic State and other radicals target Uganda for violence and jihad.

With such serious threats to deal with, it’s no wonder Museveni laughed at the idea of wasting time playing political games with LGBTQ activists.

So, that whole “gay marriage” thing is pretty much a non-starter then, I’m guessing.

Amerika v2.0: the process is the punishment

Posted on March 5, 2023March 5, 2023 by Mike

The persecution of American hero Kyle Rittenhouse continues. Which, it will do; the poor kid is gonna be in courthouses and paying lawyers for the rest of his life. But hey, what else would one expect? He’s dead-to-rights guilty of the “crime” of successfully defending his life against a wolfpack of marauding thugs dead-set on murdering him, after all.

A wrongful death lawsuit filed by the father of one of the men Kyle Rittenhouse shot and killed in the Kenosha riots will proceed, a federal judge in Wisconsin ruled Wednesday.

Anthony Huber was one of the two men Rittenhouse killed in August 2020 during the riots following the shooting of Jacob Blake, a black man, by police.

Huber’s father, John Huber, first filed the lawsuit against Rittenhouse in 2021 and named Rittenhouse, law enforcement personnel, and officials as defendants, according to a report.

The lawsuit alleges that Rittenhouse conspired with police to harm protesters and that officers violated Anthony Huber’s constitutional rights when they allowed a dangerous situation to manifest, which resulted in his death.

Rittenhouse’s legal team and other defendants had filed motions to dismiss, but U.S. District Judge Lynn Adelman on Wednesday rejected them and allowed the civil rights lawsuit to proceed.

The death of Anthony Huber “could plausibly be regarded as having been proximately caused by the actions of the governmental defendants,” Adelman said.

The decision to allow the lawsuit to move forward does not highlight its merits, Shane Martin, an attorney for Rittenhouse, said.

No, of course it doesn’t. How could it? There ARE no merits to highlight. It’s exactly as Bill says:

There is nothing even remotely “plausible” about the judge’s made-up bullshit theory, but the trial will go forward because the goal is not plausibility but punishment. Adelman, a card-carrying (Princeton/Columbia) member of the American Commie elite, was rewarded by the head of the Clinton Crime Family with his judicial position after serving several terms as a warrior of the Wisconsin left.

And none of them will rest until Rittenhouse is destroyed for lawfully defending himself against their fellow Commie storm troopers who were trying to murder him. As a warning to any who might be inclined to do likewise.

They do this in the faith that they will always be secure from Rittenhouse-style self defense for their own attacks on patriotic Americans who exercise their Constitutionally guaranteed rights. One has to wonder, though, how long that will actually remain true.

Hopefully, not a whole hell of a lot longer. Not just for Kyle Rittenhouse’s sake, but for ours.

“Wrongful death.” What a fucking joke, an extremely unfunny and sick one. Huber went out that fateful night in the role of a violent, destructive predator. Imagine the oxygen thief’s surprise when the intended prey turned out to have pretty sharp teeth of his own. Time to rerun one of what I think is still one of my best memes ever; although the gravely wounded thug in it isn’t Huber but his partner in crime Gage Grosskreutz, the lesson therein remains the same.

FuckedAroundFoundOut

Sic semper all of them, until every last one of such foul, verminous ratlings is eradicated, the land cleansed of them forever.

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A love for the ages

Posted on March 3, 2023 by Mike

Ace posts a truly touching correspondence between The Right Honorable Braindead Sen John “Kwato” Fetterman and his loving spouse, Gisele.

America’s foremost Pompous Documentarian Ken Burns has been collecting the correspondence of John and Gisele Fetterman. He has shared with me their most recent exchanges, which I will now share with you.

I think you will agree that this love is a fire whose embers will smolder and glow throughout eternity.

Yep, a story of love, devotion, and self-sacrifice worthy of Shakespeare himself, this one. Probably one of those that ends up with everybody bleeding out on the fucking floor at the very end.

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The incredible Hatsan Blitz

Posted on March 3, 2023December 1, 2023 by Mike

So my brother had one of these little beauties delivered yesterday and walked it over to my place next door, where we went out on the back deck to chaw up various pieces of leftover wood. Results? Impressive.

As my friend Don is working this bad machine, note the chunks of wood flying off the target plywood. Said plywood is being propped up by a length of 4×4 behind, which my brother then proceeded to split in half, right down the center, with only a few well-placed rounds. Very little noise, same-same for felt recoil, pellets are el cheapo, completely street-legal and unregulated, since it’s not classified as a firearm, because…well, because it isn’t a firearm, actually—I ask you, what’s not to like here?

Yep, I envision deriving mucho backyard-shooting range enjoyment from the Blitz in the days to come. The muzzle velocity, and therefore effective range, drops slightly as the air-tank is depleted, but refilling it is a total breeze, and can be done quite easily by hand if you don’t own a compressor.

The Hatsan Blitz airgun comes in various flavors, including .22, .30, and .50 cal (!!!) versions. Full auto, natch; as I’ve long insisted, you haven’t really flown until you’ve flown an open-cockpit biplane, you haven’t really ridden until you’ve ridden a Harley, and you haven’t really shot until you’ve shot full auto. Jeff got two 16-round magazines with it, but there are also 30-rounders available. Lots of vids of fun and destruction on YewToob, too.

Sundry gleanings

Posted on March 2, 2023March 2, 2023 by Mike

More fun schtuff from the Quora Digest email list. Item One:

Why do most mechanics drive junk cars?

I’m 73 and I’ve driven close to 750,000 miles by now. I’ve yet to spend a 1,000 bucks to buy a car. I’ve only had a half dozen, no one else has ever worked on them, and they don’t stay stock for more than a few days. Not only are old cars cheap and easy to fix, if you spend a little cash and a little more time on performance, they can be a lot of fun and still be very cheap to drive. If they look like crap they don’t get stolen and they don’t get tickets.

The fastest I took my 62 VW bus was 115mph on a windy road on a windy day. One day on a twisty little mountain road as I came down into the hairpin, he left me half a lane and a clean shoulder and I passed a 911 Porche. We both had Porche engines, but he had a six and I had a four so he took me back on the first straightaway. Cruising speed was 80 and I lived in it for three years traveling around.

With tall tires to get the gear ratio up and a well tuned 1600, my ’61 Karman Ghia got 40mpg at 90mph. With lower tires I could race the Alphas, Lotuses, and Porches at the slolom track. My total investment in the Ghia was about $3,000. Why in the world would I want a new car.

Why indeed. Of course, not all of us are mechanics; maybe they ought to work on that, eh? So to speak. Item Two:

Swatara Samaritan

“A Swatara police officer was called to the Capital Diner this morning. An elderly man couldn’t pay for his breakfast; he tried but his card was declined. He panicked and actually called the police on himself because he didn’t know what to do. The restaurant gave him his space to figure it out and that was the best solution he could come up with. Officer Anthony Glass went to the counter, pulled out his credit card, and paid for the man’s breakfast. The man asked for his phone number so he could pay him back but the officer kindly declined. This young man deserves to be recognized.”

There was no headline with that one, so I made up my own. Item Three is a long ‘un, but the payoff is well worth the wade.

What has your child’s school done that got you so mad, you went in and read the riot act to the teacher or principal?

I was the student, but the story is so epic it has to be shared.

It was 1979, and I was in 4th grade. In the American South, land of “guns and religion”.

A little background…I learned to read at a very early age, and read basically anything I could get my hands on. I didn’t watch TV or go outside and play, I read. All the time. And way beyond my “grade level”. By the time of this story, I had read the Bible cover to cover, the Lord of the Rings trilogy, all kinds of “adult” stuff that, according to my teachers, I had no chance of comprehending.

The year before this incident, I had gotten in trouble at school because I was reading “All The President’s Men” (for those who don’t know, this book was THE definitive Watergate scandal tale; the authors were the Washington Post reporters who basically took down Nixon).

My teacher at the time refused to believe I could read and understand this book. She tried to quiz me as to who was what, and I knew all the characters. She was confused as to who had what job, and insisted that there was no Attorney General named Elliot Richardson, and said NO ONE refused Nixon’s order to fire the Watergate special prosecutor.

I knew this was false, so the next day I brought in the book and showed her the appropriate sections regarding the “Saturday Night Massacre”. She started yelling at me about how I was just a smart-ass and trying to make her look bad. I replied, in the way only an elementary school kid can, and said, “You already look bad…maybe if you read more and ate less, you’d look better”.

So I’m already on the school admin radar as a “trouble kid”. This time the book was the novel version of the movie “Kramer Vs Kramer”. There were several minister’s kids in my class, and one of them saw the word “f**k” in my book. He promptly ran to the teacher to tattle that I was reading a “dirty” book. Teacher comes storming down the aisle and snatches the book from me, telling me she is going to call my mom and I am in deep trouble. So now my book is gone (and I hadn’t finished it yet… waah), and I’m in trouble for reading a book…again.

Get home, and yes, the teacher called and told my mom I had PORNOGRAPHY in her classroom. Mom is all ready to give me the “birds and bees” talk, and asked what kind of magazine it was…“Was it a Playboy or Penthouse? One of those? I understand you’re curious about females, but…”

I interrupted her to tell her, no it wasn’t a girlie mag, it was a book…Kramer Vs Kramer. And it had a dirty word in it. That was it. I wasn’t looking at Playboy centerfolds, I was reading a book based on an Academy Award winning movie.

So Mom is supposed to go to the school the next day and meet with them about “my behavior”. Problem is, she’s a single mother who works 2 jobs and can’t just take off every time someone gets a hair up their tight little sphincters. A little while later she’s talking to my grandfather, her father, and telling him about this. She calls me to the phone and hands it to me. He asked me what happened, and I told him my version. He says not to worry, I am NOT in trouble, and he will pick me up in the morning and take me to school and meet with them.

Whereupon Gramps showed the slackass, ign’ernt fucks what trouble REALLY was, which leads to this most gratifying denouement:

Interestingly enough, I never got in trouble again for reading. God I miss him!!

As well you might, young feller. As well you might.

7

3

FAFO, epitomized

Posted on March 2, 2023March 2, 2023 by Mike

Ordinarily I’d have knocked off posting for the night around two-three posts ago, but I’m enjoying playing with MarsEdit too much to stop myself now.

Divemedic posts the feel-good video of the year 2016, after a long and arduous search for it.

Is it EVER a good idea to try robbing a gun store, ferchrissakes? And yet somehow, these idjits just keep right on doing it anyway.

2

Oscar SWEEP coming?

Posted on February 28, 2023February 28, 2023 by Mike

Analysis: TRUE AS ALL HELL.

In A Just World, ‘Cocaine Bear’ Would Sweep The Oscars

Regrettably—tragically, even—this is NOT that world.

In 1985, in the Chattahoochee National Forest in Georgia, a bear came upon a trove of cocaine which had been dumped from a plane by trafficker Andrew Thornton. The bear then consumed either some or all of the drug and overdosed, depending on which version of the story you prefer. In 2023, in the newly released movie “Cocaine Bear,” written by Jimmy Warden and directed by Elizabeth Banks, the story takes a decidedly different turn, one in which the bear develops a strong affinity for the drug and goes on a murderous rampage.

The result is a shining example of the type of content Hollywood should be producing.

It’s a gory, rollicking romp through several stories which become intertwined thanks to the cocaine bear. There’s Daveed, played by Ice Cube’s son O’Shea Jackson Jr., who’s been charged by kingpin Syd, portrayed by Ray Liotta in one of his final roles, with recovering the drug scattered across the forest in duffle bags. Accompanying Daveed is Eddie, played by Alden Ehrenreich, who is trying to leave the family business and is wrecked with grief over his wife losing her battle with cancer. Along the way, they pick up a hoodlum. Their story is a blood-soaked buddy comedy.

All of those people get killed, though the cocaine bear doesn’t directly kill and dismember all of them, just most of them. Most of the principal characters survive, but not before they come together to learn lessons about parenting, friendship, teamwork, and fighting a cocaine-addled bear.

Heads are removed. Limbs torn off. Blood splashing hither and thither. Body parts bouncing hither and thither. There are jokes, such as when the hooligan teaches Eddie how he can better talk to his own son. There are tender moments, also exemplified by the hooligan teaching Eddie how to better communicate with his son.

What there aren’t are any lectures. There are no teachable moments, unless you count the one that comes at the beginning of the film and is credited to Wikipedia, that in a normal encounter with a black bear, the smart play is to fight back. It’s 95 minutes of insanity that serves no purpose other than to entertain.

In a just world, those 95 minutes of blood-soaked carnage would be guaranteed to earn multiple Oscars, from best screenplay to best director to best film. Alas, the lack of teachable moments probably means that won’t happen, but it matters not. For what matters is that in 2023, we have a movie that hearkens back to earlier times, back when Hollywood sought not to make us better people, but to distract us for a while, to invite us to imagine possibilities like “what if a bear got hooked on cocaine?”

One of the truly burning questions of our era, for sure. But seriously, now: movies as entertainment, not holier-than-thou finger-wagging? How very quaint.

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