Erik emailed a request that I repost this oldie but moldie from all the way back in November of 2004, which request I am only too happy to fulfill. Thanks for asking, Erik.

Whatcha gonna do
The Loony Left by Mike

Okay, is anybody but me sick yet of the Left’s floundering and flailing about, trying to find any way they possibly can to blame somebody else for their failure to espouse a message remotely palatable to the majority of eligible American voters? Is anybody but me wishing right about now that somebody would clong them upside the head with a shovel and say, “Look, morons, here’s the deal….”?

Well, let’s try this then. Let’s stipulate for the sake of argument that everything the Left claims to fear about the Bush admin and mainstream red-state America is true.

Yep, that’s right, you commie bastiches, we’re coming for you. It’s only a matter of time now until you hear that late-night knock on the door you’ve been dreading all along. Our jack-booted gendarmerie is going to be working overtime rounding up every non-white and non-rich subject of our fascist regime, and we’re going to be baking every last one of you into pies that we’ll then refuse to share with the poor and hungry. We’ll be baking those pies in coal-fired ovens, and those ovens will be devoid of any sort of exhaust-scrubber whatever, because we want to release all the toxic gases and chemicals we can into the atmosphere.

We’ll be spiking the rivers with DDT, alar, thalidomide, and whatever other chemical bugaboos we can think of so as to pollute the drinking water, too. We’ll cram the landfills (which will be more numerous than ever) with deadly silicon breast implants, and we’re going to wipe our asses with copies of the Kyoto Treaty, after which we’ll staple the soiled pages to your foreheads. Halliburton will be sending you the bill for that, too; we’ll call it “cosmetic surgery” and charge a rate tied to the market price for the harvested, tanned, and cured pelts of starving homeless Americans, whose numbers will be rocketing even higher than those for the aforementioned landfills, which is where said homeless will be forced to live while we hunt them down for sport.

We’re going to subjugate the entire world through violence and capitalist exploitation. We’ll be sending our duped, mindless killerbot soldiers to the remotest corners of the Earth to deny freedom to every little brown person currently enjoying an idyllic, bucolic existence in harmony with unspoiled nature, every racial, religious, and cultural minority who has thus far lived relatively free of the sting of our rapacious lash. We’re all going to get rich from it, and we’re going to make the poor noble Bob Cratchets and Tiny Tims of the world pay for our sumptuous lives of piggish, rankly self-indulgent consumerism, and then we’re going to kill them when we’ve bled them completely dry.

Yep, it’s all true, every bit of it; the New Gulags, which we Nazified Tolkien geeks like to refer to as Barad Ashcroft, or just Shrubthanc, have been under construction since early 2001 and are almost ready to open for business. The ultra-right-wing corporate media establishment has known all along, and have been helping us cover it all up, and now it’s too late; there’s nothing you can do to stop us. You all are going to be fed into the ovens by the millions, and we’re going to destroy the environment and nuke the Third World, and it’s all going to be done because Jesus told us to, and that’s the only reason we’re ever going to need. Because hey, we’re stupid.

Michael Moore? Dead soon, at our hands, as punishment for daring to dissent. Karen Finley? Ditto. Hillary Clinton? She’ll be crawling around our (segregated) private club on all fours in a Playboy Bunny costume, forced to beg for the privilege of bringing us drinks, dropping grapes into our mouths, and mopping the floors with her hair — just to remind any of you other strong, uppity women who might get ideas about overturning the established patriarchal order who’s really in charge here. Other younger, more attractive women will be forced into sexual slavery, and abortion will absolutely not be an option for dealing with the inevitable unwanted pregnancies that will result. Rusty coathangers will be available at the door, although using them will be punishable by electrocution — electricity provided by the nuke plants that will be on every corner and completely unregulated and unsafe. But it’s just as well that they are our slaves, because there ain’t gonna be no welfare to help them out, and they’re not going to be allowed to work at anything other than pleasing their oppressors.

We’ll be burning the UN HQ in New York down, of course, and we’ll be locking all the delegates inside the building before we set it alight. Then we’ll be invading France, just to teach ‘em a lesson about how we Texas cowboys do bidness. The world’s oil, of course, is ours, and we’ll be boiling tons of it and pouring it over the heads of those who refuse to acknowledge our Xtian God. There’ll be no stem cell research, there’ll be no health care at all for the poor (whose numbers we will be increasing by every means we can think of), and if you dare to complain about life in the New Conservative Amerikkka, we’re going to kill you for it.

All of that: so stipulated. Now, the question for you moonbat Lefty baglappers: what the hell are you going to do about it?

I mean, seriously; if you truly believe that all this is now in the process of happening right before your very eyes, doesn’t it become incumbent upon you, as the most basic imaginable of moral obligations, to do something to prevent it, or overturn it? I mean, obviously, you tried peaceful means of stopping us, but that didn’t work — because us right-wingnuts rigged the election and disenfranchised everybody. And you can’t go to the courts because they’re in the Bushitler’s pocket too, all the way up to the Supreme Court, which you’ve been saying for four years now illegally handed him the White House after the tainted 2000 “election.” So your last legal, nonviolent means of resistance has been taken away from you, and you can’t even count on the media to publicize the reality of what’s going on because of their right-wing slant, their fondness for the status quo, and of course the fact that they’re really nothing but money-grubbing corporations themselves whose only concern is the bottom line.

So what’s left, Lefties? Where do you go from here? What are you gonna do about it?

I’ll tell you what you’re going to do about it: you’re not going to do one damned thing but continue with your whining, that’s what, and it’s not because deep down you’re all cowards either. It’s because deep down, you know you’re full of shit. You don’t even believe half the stuff you’re currently crying about yourselves.

Because if you did, you wouldn’t be talking about it. You wouldn’t be writing whiny letters to the editor; you wouldn’t be fearfully mincing down to the Canadian Consulate to half-seriously inquire about moving; you wouldn’t be sitting in coffee houses denouncing the moronic inhabitants of Jesusland with your fellow smug, self-satisfied pseudo-hip doofuses. You’d be gearing up and arming yourselves for the fight of your lives. And much to your surprise, you’d have a lot of us over here on the right offering to help load mags.

And that’s why you’re going to keep right on losing elections. If even one third of what you say was true, you’d have Americans of every political stripe rushing to your side to man the barricades. But it isn’t anything like true, and we all know it, and we’ve all known it ever since you tried to claim that proposed reductions in the annual rate of increase of various federal budget items during the Reagan years were actually heartless “slashing” of the budget by people who wanted poor people to die. We’ve known it ever since you railed during the Clinton years about how the welfare reform forced on him by the evil Gingrich Repubs amounted to cultural and economic genocide, and then watched as hordes of welfare cheats — who you always claimed didn’t exist — were quietly expunged from the rolls and went back to work.

In other words, you’re all hype and no hump. Your party has become the Chicken Little Party, weeping and wailing about disaster, catastrophe, and the end of the world as we know it every time a new idea for running the government gets put forth by someone who isn’t a card-carrying liberal.

And the proof is in the pudding. Your delirious ideas don’t even inspire your like-minded cohorts — those who really do believe the sky is falling — to get out and fight to save their very lives; you certainly aren’t going to inspire a majority of Americans to rally to your banner if you can’t even get your own true believers off their asses and into the streets. That’s the problem with what you people used to like to call “false consciousness,” which is exactly what you’re now reduced to peddling. Your hysteria is based on plain and simple untruths, and nobody is willing to go out there and risk injury or death for something they know in their hearts is a lie. There ain’t gonna be any Revolution, televised or otherwise, because too many of us know that none is really called for, and the more you try to promote an addle-pated apocalyptic vision of a theocratic MegaMurrika the more the rest of us just sit back and wonder what the hell you’re talking about, as we watch life gradually improve for more and more of us despite your doomsaying.

Afghanis just voted, in the first real free election they’ve ever had; they didn’t vote in any Lefty flamethrower, and they didn’t vote in any Islamist terrorist either. And this occurred only a couple of years after we all watched you people wax apoplectic about the coming disastrous “quagmire.” Well, if that’s a quagmire, most of us figure the world could do with a few more of ‘em. It didn’t come cheap, and it didn’t come easy, but it came anyway, and no thanks to any of you, either.

And the same thing is going to happen in Iraq soon; the ordinary people you claim to be concerned about will see how their lives have improved since Saddam’s removal, and, despite all your supposed “concern” for their welfare, they’re also going to remember who it was who bitched and whined about the only recent President who was willing to lift a finger and take a political risk to help make it so.

And you smarmily call yourselves the “reality-based community.” What a laugh that is.

And that’s what it all comes down to, really. Those of us who do have some adult grasp of reality are sitting back and laughing at you and your dipsomaniacal ravings. You don’t inspire trust and confidence in your ability to run the world’s only remaining superpower, because you can’t resist the adolescent urge to hyperbolize every last little thing. Just as a small example, look at your pals in the liberal MSM. There are no mere “problems”; instead, we’re deluged with one “crisis” after another in their newspapers and on TV. You’re like little kids whose experience of the world is so limited as to define the boundaries of your intellect far too narrowly to ever be trusted with the responsibility of governing a nation.

Grow up, Chicken Little. Lead, follow, or get out of the friggin’ way. Or, at the very least, you can stop trying to get the rest of us to guzzle a bunch of Kool-Aid that you can’t even swallow yourselves.

Update! Brian mentioned in the comments that I had a somewhat egregiously mangled metaphor above, which got me to looking at the piece again, which got me to thinking I should change a couple of things. So I did. Not that it makes much difference, really.

And there you have it—just as relevant and applicable today as it was back then. It really is true that some things never change, I guess.