Category: Damn that’s funny!

It would take a heart of stone not to laugh

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Okay Karen, time for you to Learn. To. Code.



Bethany Mandel, after having been lambasted for her “heartlessness” in arguing that the destruction of an entire national economy just might not have been the best approach here, is having herself a high old time as well over the best news to come out of the COVIDIOT panic-ninny lockdowns yet.


Enjoy the breadlines, “journalist” scum. And the frabjous good news doesn’t end there, either.

New York state’s tax revenue plummeted 68.4% in April, as the coronavirus lockdowns and the extension of tax return filings to July 15 took a toll on state coffers.

The Empire State collected $3.7 billion, or $7.9 billion less than the previous April. Personal income-tax revenue fell more than $7 billion from last April, a drop that was primarily due to the delayed tax filing deadline.

“New York is facing economic devastation not seen since the Great Depression,” New York Comptroller Thomas DiNapoli said in a news release. “New York and other hard-hit states need the federal government to step up and provide assistance, or the state will have to take draconian actions to balance its budget.”

Yeah, umm, no. But really now: after slamming down all business and condemning every working individual in the state to an indefinite stay in the poorhouse, who could POSSIBLY have foreseen a sudden drying up of tax revenue? Sorry, no bailouts for you.

LOLGF, you stupid fucking dipshits.

(Via Ace and Insty)

Dead or alive

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Who to believe, who to believe.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un allegedly made a public appearance on Saturday amid unconfirmed reports that he is critically ill, dead, or hiding from the Chinese coronavirus, according to South Korea’s Yonhap.

Kim Jong Un attended the completion of a fertilizer plant

AS fertilizer.

in Sunchon, marking his first public appearance in 20 days, Reuters reported, citing North Korea’s state news agency KCNA.

There’s been tons of speculation and “uncomfirmed reports” concerning Kim’s abrupt disappearance making the rounds, which is one reason I haven’t bothered with either paying much attention to the story or mentioning it here. But of all the theories, this one is my personal preference.

Foreign affairs expert and Asia analyst Gordon Chang said on “America’s Newsroom” on Monday that “something is wrong” in North Korea, adding that there is reason to doubt South Korea’s claim that Kim Jong Un is “alive and well.”

“I don’t think the South Korean government is right when they say he is alive and well,” Chang said. “He very well may be alive, but the ‘well’ part of it is, I think, subject to question largely because this regime acts in patterns and when these patterns are broken, we know that something has occurred.”

On Monday Chang noted that a report, which he said “actually has some circumstantial evidence to support it,” showed that Kim may have been wounded in “an accident on April 14 when North Korea launched a barrage of cruise missiles.”

“One of the things that’s important about this is that that missile test, which in fact did occur, could not have gone forward if Kim did not authorize it,” Chang said. “Kim has been on site for virtually every missile test in North Korea during his reign.”

He pointed out that photos of Kim were released at every prior missile test, but that no photos were released of the last test.

“That’s an indication that something happened on April 14,” Chang said.

Li’l Rocket Man, brought low by one of his own jerry-rigged, malfunctioning rockets? Oh God, PLEASE let it be true.

Let a million middle fingers rise

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The spirit of American rebellion still lives, and is beginning to awaken at last.



Now get a load of what happened next. Trust me, it’ll warm the cockles of even the most cynical heart.

It may not seem like all that much…yet. But it will be small, seemingly insignificant acts of defiance like this that will snowball into full-on revolt—which is something America has never in its history needed more desperately than it does right now.

Update! Washington state insurrection.

Washington Governor Jay Inslee’s draconian executive orders mandating business closures and stay-at-home status for all residents has been rejected by county commissioners in Franklin County. The motion passed unanimously. Now, the legal battles may or may not begin but in the immediate future, the county is official reopened for business.

“I move that Franklin County end recognition of the governor’s stay at home emergency proclamation that is now deemed unconstitutional. We support the reopening for all builders and small businesses that want to work,” Commissioner Clint Didier said during a meeting Tuesday morning.

This opens the door for other counties and cities to oppose the order based on RCW 43.06.220(4), which limits the governor’s state-of-emergency powers to 30 days unless the state legislature passes an extension.

Well, I gotta admit I didn’t see THAT coming.

Payback time update! Cockroaches get hit with a spotlight, to their great dismay.

Talk radio great Jamie Allman filed a Sunshine law request for the actual emails of St. Louis County residents who’ve snitched on local entrepreneurs trying to make a living. Most of the complaints were unfounded, involving people “turning in” companies that were deemed essential by the county.

But reading the actual complaints reveals just how terrified the media and corrupt academics have made good people. The complainants are truly scared. They believe that Coronavirus kills almost everyone who gets infected. They believe that washing your car, hitting golf balls at a range, or playing singles tennis can spread the disease to many people.

The 900-page file of complaints is, ultimately, sad. What could be more depressing than a mother begging government officials to put her daughter out of work? Or women asking the county to shut down their fiancé’s company?

Well, about the only thing I can think of is the thought of such despicable, craven panic-ninnies getting away with diming out friends and loved ones without paying a stiff price for such perfidy. Doxx the living fuck out of every last one of these diaper-dragging ratbags; if the old “snitches get stitches” bylaw can’t be practically enforced, then public exposure, scorn, and humiliation is the very least they have coming to ’em.

So how’s THAT working out for ya, Bill?

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When His (dis)Honor Red Bill DeBalledZero gets a bucketful of dung hurled in his face by constituents repurposing his New York Narc Line for the better, you know there’s still hope for America.

De Blasio’s social distancing tip line flooded with penis photos, Hitler memes
Mayor Bill de Blasio’s critics let him know how they really felt about him ordering New Yorkers to snitch on each other for violating social-distancing rules — by flooding his new tip line with crank complaints including “dick pics” and people flipping the bird, The Post has learned.

Photos of extended middle fingers, the mayor dropping the Staten Island groundhog and news coverage of him going to the gym have all been texted to a special tip line that de Blasio announced Saturday, according to screenshots posted on Twitter.

One user sent the message “We will fight this tyrannical overreach!” to the service and got an automated message that in part said, “Hello, and thank you for texting NYC311.”

“F–k you!” replied @MorganLSchmidt1, along with a meme showing Adolf Hitler and the words “TO THOSE TURNING IN YOUR NEIGHBORS AND LOCAL BUSINESSES — YOU DID THE REICH THING.”

“Start flooding their reporting text numbers with this pics!” the tweet added.

Other profane messages included a photo of a bowl of gummy candies in the shape of male genitalia and a sign saying “EAT A BAG OF D–KS.”

All good stuff, yes, but this next one is probably my own personal fave.

An NYPD source said that “dick pic” photos of real penises have also been texted to 311, and a caller phoned in a tip that de Blasio was seen performing oral sex on someone “in an alleyway behind a 7-11” early Sunday.

YES. More like that one, please. Remember to include a detailed description of the burro Bill was observed blowing with your report next time, too. Thank you.

The inundation of off-color texts was so large the city had to temporarily shut down the service.

“The city has begun vetting everything before dispersing the information to precincts,” the NYPD source said.

And then, after you guys get done with all those, umm, essential services, maybe youse could get back to work doing some actual police work.

Sounds crazy, I know, but it just might work.

T’aint funny, McGee

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Is it satire, or is it real? The Shadow knows.

Michigan Governor: ‘Revolting Against A Tyrannical Government Is Simply Un-American’
DETROIT, MI—On Meet the Ptess Sunday, Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer reminded everyone that “revolutions and revolts are simply un-American.”

Whitmer called on the protesters in her state to stop their illegal assembling, reminding them that protesting so-called tyranny is a foreign idea to the history of the United States.

“Protesting and revolting against your wise rulers goes against everything America was built on,” she said. “It flies in the face of every American tradition. Revolting against tyranny has no place in this great country.”

It’d be a lot funnier if I didn’t know that this is precisely the way Whitler and her shitlib cohort really do think.

Must there always be a Harvard?

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Duh.



This is the part where I’d ordinarily toss off a snide comment or two, but I just can’t even.

Author Erin O’Donnell cited Elizabeth Bartholet, a professor with Harvard Law School’s Child Advocacy Program, to make the case for a “presumptive ban” on homeschooling as a practice, arguing that the burden should be on parents to prove that they could educate their children in a manner approved by the state.

lolgetfucked, brainiac. Probably oughta have the nurse wipe the drool off your bib before you go making any more demands, seems to me.

You bought it, you broke it

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Now you live with it.

In an April 7 video posted to YouTube, John-Paul Drake, director at Drakes Supermarkets in South Australia, shared a story about a customer who reportedly attempted to return a mass amount of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

“I had my first customer yesterday who said he wanted to get a refund on a 150 packets of 32-pack toilet paper and 150 units of one liter sanitizer!” Drake said. “I told him [shows middle finger] that. That is the sort of person that is causing the problem in the whole country.”

Prior to telling the story about the man attempting to return his goods, Drake spoke about panic buying and hoarding, claiming that the store’s “product limits” on toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and detergent were implemented in order to allow a broader number of people access to those items.

“If everyone had just bought the things that they’d needed for their immediate short-term, we would be fine,” Drake said. “But the reality is, we’ve had so many people hoarding products and buying products that they’re never gonna use.”

As to how the man was able to purchase so much? Drake said in a LinkedIn post: “He had a team of people buying one of each across all of our stores!”

The twit had some nerve trying to return the stuff for sure. But on the bright side, he’ll never have to worry about running out.

COURAGE!

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God, what a puling little pussy-fart.



Skating right by the sorry fact that so much of this phony panic has been generated by Enemedia collectively soiling their Underoos over it via their overwrought reportage, as we say down South: damn if I’da told it, pissant. The only thing remotely to Stelter’s credit here is that he’s almost certainly lying about this. Glenn treats Weepy Spudboy way more gently than I ever will, but hits the mark nonetheless:

Imagine a British journalist publicly stating something like this during The Blitz. Our media class really is like a bunch of middle-school girls.

Sheeeit. If I ever catch my own soon-to-be-middle school-age daughter behaving like Tater Stelter in even the smallest way, Daddy will take up a switch and stripe her little butt chartreuse. Insty includes a couple other good ripostes with that one, too.

Uncle Gropey’s sad deterioration

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Okay, okay, if it were anybody other than Uncle Gropey it would be sad, and I’d feel at least some pity for the poor old coot. But in light of how long Bribe’em been a corrupt, despicable, third-rate con artist, it’s howlingly funny. And he richly deserves every last bit of scorn and contempt that can be heaped upon his rapidly-emptying head.

In a remote interview earlier today on MSNBC, Democratic presidential nominee-apparent Joe Biden had a sad anecdote to tell about the impact of the Wuhan-virus pandemic on one American dad.

I’m pretty sure, anyway.

In case you don’t have all day to make sense of Biden’s story, I made the effort to transcribe it for you. It was a time-consuming process, but I’ve done my best to make it error-free. Still, any mistakes in the transcription are my own. Lapses of logic, coherence, cogency, grammar, and the like all belong to Biden.

One last thing before you read on. Biden was making odd slurping noises during his appearance, and while I can’t explain them, I did include them in the transcript for the sake of completeness.

Here you go:

I sat with a guy on, on a telephone and he’s telling me, he said, “I don’t always,” he said, “Look, I, I, I, I, I, I’m, I, I worked at the hospital.” And he said, “Then I, I got, I got myself a position where I got the virus so they quarantined me and, and they put me in the hospital, and I made it out and so I’m out [slurp]. But they don’t want me with my family. I’m on the third floor. I spent 15 minutes on the phone with them saying,’ he said, ‘I have a three-year-old and a four-year-old. They come to the door outside and they just knock on the door and say ‘Daddy, Daddy, can I see you Daddy, can I see you Daddy?’’”

So we spent time going through it [slurp], I used to do with my kids when they were little and I couldn’t see them and we’d play games. I said, “Knock, make up a game, knock, knock on the door and say this is, you know [slurp].” [incomprehensible] This is practical things, the guy’s scared to death. And he’s worried about his children, he’s worried about his wie [sic]. I mean, these are practical things. And the president talks about this like, “OK, it’s gonna be OK. We’re gonna open… tomorrow. We’re gonna do this.”

I mean, it just, I must tell you, it drives me crazy. I don’t know what he doesn’t understand.

It’s a real head-scratcher what Biden doesn’t know, does know, or is trying to say — if anything.

When most politicians speak, audiences have to suspend their disbelief. When it’s Biden speaking they have to suspend their incomprehension.

And their intellect, facility for logic, and integrity, too.

Fish in a barrel

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Another day, another sick burn.

Trump defended his response today to the coronavirus in order to fight negative reporting from the ‘Fake News Media’ in two different ways.

First, he layed out the timeline of his response…

And then:



It sometimes seems as if they’re actually trying to make it easy for him to kick their asses up between their shoulder blades, don’t it?

We can but hope

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PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEEEEEAAAAASE.

A former senior advisor to Joe Biden speculated that it’s possible his former boss could choose a vice-presidential running mate who identifies as a woman.

Moe Vela, the founder of Vela Group, told SiriusXM’s Breitbart News host Joel Pollak on Sunday that it is possible that Biden’s vow to pick a woman running mate could include a transgender woman.

Vela reminded Pollak of Biden’s description at the beginning of the year of “transgender equality” as “the civil rights issue of our time.”

Pollak asked Vela, “This vice presidential choice, now — I’m saying the next bit facetiously, but I hope you’ll take it in the spirit it’s given — Joe Biden has said that the transgender movement is the civil rights movement of our time, so isn’t it somewhat cisgenderist to say you’re going to pick a female vice president, or can one qualify by identifying as female?”

Vela responded, “Oh wow, Joel. I never thought I’d get a question I’d never heard before. This is my 179th interview in four months and you just did it. I have to send you something like a gift of some kind.”

During a CNN debate with Bernie Sanders in March, Biden promised to choose a woman as his running mate.

“If I’m elected president, my cabinet, my administration will look like the country,” he said. “I commit that I will, in fact, pick a woman to be my vice president.”

Or, apparently, a manwymryn. Whichever.

No mention whatsoever of trivial considerations such as qualifications, political acumen, ideological compatibility, principles, experience, etc. But hey, as long as the right boxes are checked that’s all that really matters. Right, Gropey?

Easy target

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Dan Mitchell shoots, scores.

About three weeks ago, I unveiled the “Seventh Theorem of Government” to support the libertarian proposition that a smaller government will do a better job of fulfilling its legitimate responsibilities.

This should not be a controversial concept. There’s plenty of empirical data as well as academic evidence showing that smaller governments are more competent.

Many people in the D.C. bubble obviously disagree.

In his Washington Post column, Dana Milbank tries to make the argument that the fight against coronavirus has been hampered by inadequate government.

…then came the tea party, the anti-government conservatism that infected the Republican Party in 2010 and triumphed with President Trump’s election. …What you see today is your government…a government that couldn’t produce a rudimentary test for coronavirus, that couldn’t contain the pandemic as other countries have done… Now it is time to drown this disastrous philosophy in the bathtub — and with it the poisonous attitude that the government is a harmful “beast” that must be “starved.” It is not an exaggeration to say that this ideology caused the current debacle with a deliberate strategy to sabotage government. …Americans are paying for this with their lives — and their livelihoods.

There are some glaring inaccuracies in Milbank’s column, starting with the absurd notion that big-spender Trump (he increased domestic spending at a faster pace than Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, or Barack Obama) is somehow connected to the principles that animated the Tea Party.

More relevant, he wants readers to believe that anti-government activism somehow blocked the production of a “rudimentary test” for the virus, yet I’ve repeatedly documented that the actual problem has been mindless red tape from bureaucracies such as the Food and Drug Administration and the Centers for Disease Control.

Mitchell’s pwnage of Milbank gets even more humiliating from there. But hey, y’know, it’s Dana Milbank. Most any half-bright person could clean that witless pud’s intellectual clock in his sleep.

(Via Insty)

Update! Speaking of stupid.

One particularly terrifying consequence of the Chinese Bat Soup Virus that is not yet getting the attention it deserves is how this situation is making already stupid liberals even dumber, especially when they sound off about economics. In the wake of this pandemic, we’ve been subjected to a series of mind-numbing insights from the pinko blue check brain trust that reaffirms the clichéd but true observation that our elite is anything but elite. Leave it to our liberal betters to take a bad situation and seek to make it exponentially worse.

For example, Sally Kohn – oh, you know where this is going – offered an astonishing observation just as the Democrats were obstructing the vital relief our small businesses desperately need:

“I’m really tired of reading how business owners are “forced” to layoff workers. No one made them do that. They *chose* to do that. Not saying it isn’t a hard choice, during a hard time, but to say they were *forced* obscures their agency AND casts owners/CEOs as the victims.”

If that hasn’t plunged your IQ to new depths, consider ever-dumb Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (D-Minnesota), who tweeted out this brainstorm:

“We need to cancel rent until this crisis is over.”

Wow. Her economics advice is even worse than her relationship advice.

Okay, it seems like you would not have to explain this to allegedly educated people, but apparently there are still some people who need a lesson in Economics 101. Since I actually own a business, perhaps I have a perspective that C Tier social media personalities and commie grifters could find illuminating.

Here goes.

Are you people stupid? What the unholy hell are you thinking? When there is no income, what do you expect a business owner to pay his employees with? IOUs? Monopoly money? Feelings?

Schlichter goes on to consider the question of whether they’re stupid, or evil. Need to embrace the healing power of “and” there, buddy, no reason they can’t be both. Actually, with politicians and “journalists” you almost never see the one without the other, in what you might call a most wretched symbiosis.

How do you know they’re liberals?

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1) Their assumptions are at odds with observable reality; 2) their smugness, their arrogance, their sense of entitlement know no bounds; 3) they greatly enjoy lecturing their less-enlightened “inferiors” about things they themselves know absolutely nothing about.

I was chatting with a friend of mine recently and the topic of gun sales came up. My friend’s father owns a gun range near me and she said he’s seen a huge amount of liberals coming in to purchase weapons in recent weeks.

How does he know they’re liberals?

“They’re shocked to discover they can’t just walk out of the store with a gun.”

We’ve all heard about gun sales skyrocketing recently, but I hadn’t considered some of the tangential effects of the phenomenon until I spoke to my friend. Not only are many liberals suddenly learning to love their Second Amendment rights, many of them are finding out that the gun control narrative in this country — as repeated loudly and often by Hollywood and the mainstream media — is a complete lie.

The hilarity really takes off once a formerly hoplophobic libtard actually gets xzhis/xzher/xzhits delicate mitts on a firearm. Suggestion for any sane people present: DUCK AND COVER.

We tried to look at just who the new firearm purchasers were and we believe that more than 60% of these individuals were first time buyers. I can’t describe the amount of fear in my staff as we had the buyers show proof of safe handling as part of the purchase process as required by law. You have never seen so many barrels pointed at sales staff and other customers. It was truly frightening. We had to keep stopping the process to give quick safety lessons. We are adding many more basic classes in the coming weeks and encouraged these buyers to please attend. We hope they do.

Eh, not so sure about that myself. Consider: these doofi will likely wish to show off their new Tools Of Empowerment to all their friends, striking tough-guy poses, waving their piece around, and muzzle-sweeping everybody in the living room. Would that not make it more likely, then, that a lot of libtards are going to wind up shot dead because of such antics? The resultant thinning of the Proggy herd would certainly make life easier for the rest of us.

Okay, okay, I’m only kidding. I think.

While the safety of the employees at the range is a very serious matter, the most amusing and annoying part for the staff has been watching these first-time buyers discover just how stringent gun laws in California really are, including one of our newest laws requiring background checks before buying ammunition. Bouslog says it’s a bridge too far for the people who have been told their whole lives that it’s easier to get a gun than an abortion.

More than a dozen of these buyers (men and women) actually thought that since they filled out and signed everything, they could just walk out and go home with the firearm. Several actually said they saw how easy it was to buy a gun on TV and why did they have to fill out all these forms.

The majority of these first timers lost their minds when we went through the Ammo Law requirements. Most used language not normally heard, even in a gun range. We pointed out that since no one working here voted for these laws, then maybe they might know someone who did. And, maybe they should go back and talk to those people and tell them to re-think their position on firearms – we were trying to be nice.

Most were VERY vocal about why it takes 10 days minimum (sometimes longer if the DOJ is backed up) to take their property home with them. They ask why do I need to wait 10 days if I need the protection today or tomorrow? We pointed out again that no one working here voted in support of that law.

They really went crazy when we told them that for each firearm they had to do the same amount of paperwork and they could only purchase ONE handgun every 30 days. Again, we didn’t [vote] for that law.

We had people cuss at us and stomp out when we explained that secondary identification had to be part of the paperwork, as they felt insulted that what they had wasn’t good enough. We have a number of Yelp reviews calling us names and other things about how bad we are because of this whole new buyer rush.

Aww, there comes that whole useful-idiot thing to bite them in the ass again. Every one of them firmly believes xzhe/zxshe/it will be part of the nomenklatura crowd after the Glorious Revolution, and are always just shocked as hell to find themselves handed a blindfold and stood up against a wall instead.

“People, shit’s gettin’ REAL”

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Desperate times call for desperate measures.


You gotta watch it all the way to the end for the payoff. Which, it’s worth it for the foothills-Appalachia accent alone; this ol’ boy’s Southron patois is so thick you could cut it with a rusty butter knife and spread it on a sody-cracker. Sent to me by my old Harley shop boss, Goose.

STOP THE PRESSES!

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Biden is right—not just once, but twice.

Sleepy Joe Biden said Tuesday during an interview from his home in Delaware that he is locked in his basement.

This is the best the Democrats have.

“…and I know I’m locked in a basement..” said Joe.

“Are they worried he will wander off and get lost?” Trump’s campaign said trolling Biden.

Biden also forgot the name of his own plan, calling it the “Make Work” checklist instead of “Make It Work.”

Ouch. Time for another nap, Grampa Joe.

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"There is no better way to stamp your power on people than through the dead hand of bureaucracy. You cannot reason with paperwork."
—David Black, from Turn Left For Gibraltar

"If the laws of God and men, are therefore of no effect, when the magistracy is left at liberty to break them; and if the lusts of those who are too strong for the tribunals of justice, cannot be otherwise restrained than by sedition, tumults and war, those seditions, tumults and wars, are justified by the laws of God and man."
—John Adams

"The limits of tyranny are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress."
—Frederick Douglass

"Give me the media and I will make of any nation a herd of swine."
—Joseph Goebbels

“I hope we once again have reminded people that man is not free unless government is limited. There’s a clear cause and effect here that is as neat and predictable as a law of physics: As government expands, liberty contracts.”
—Ronald Reagan

"Ain't no misunderstanding this war. They want to rule us and aim to do it. We aim not to allow it. All there is to it."
—NC Reed, from Parno's Peril

"I just want a government that fits in the box it originally came in."
—Bill Whittle

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