Damn that’s funny!

Don’t hate me ’cause I’m beautiful a neurotic, narcissistic bitch

Posted on May 17, 2021May 17, 2021 by Mike

Ace flenses this scrunt so enjoyably it inspired me take a crack at her myself. Y’know, so to speak.

I’m All For Feminism, But It’s Kinda Making It Harder To Date

Another case of something working exactly as intended, then.

1. I’M HYPER AWARE OF EVERY SEXIST THING A GUY DOES NOW.
It doesn’t take much for me to overanalyze a guy’s intentions nowadays. I used to see a guy opening a door for me as nice and polite, but lately, gestures like this have been making me angry. I know the guys offering these acts of chivalry have no intention to make me feel small or lesser than, but now that my eyes have been opened to feminist theory, it’s all I’m able to think about.

And just like that, the mystery is solved. See how easy that was?

2. GUYS ARE STARTED TO THINK WE DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE.
Even though the feminist movement is pretty much the best thing to happen to this world since sliced bread, it’s taking its toll in the dating scene. The thing is, I’m starting to get a bit of a stand-offish vibe from guys, like they’re afraid to make a move, and I think it’s because they think that we don’t need them anymore.

Ehh, not so much. “Guys” (do note how she never uses the word “men) have had more than adequate demonstration of the fact that FemiNazis don’t LIKE them, and have concomitantly been driven into the early stages of reciprocating that dislike in full measure. No real mystery to that one either, I’m afraid.

I’m not gonna go and cry a river for them because that’s something they’re gonna have to figure out within their own psyches. It’s just something I’ve noticed and it’s a bit of a shame.

May I suggest, then, that this difficulty in finding a date you’re lamenting is something you’re gonna have to figure out your own damned self?
3. ONE LITTLE ANTI-FEMINIST COMMENT CAN COMPLETELY TURN ME OFF.

When I’m out with a guy and he says one thing that’s even REMOTELY offensive towards women, I find it really hard to recover. I instantly write guys off if they aren’t “woke” to the current social mindset towards gender politics and can’t let it go. Let’s just say I’ve gone on A LOT of first dates that never go anywhere.

Gee, what a shock. Let’s see: tetchy; hyper-sensitive; so over-the-top bitchy that you respond to a difference in viewpoint by “instantly writing guys off” for a single “even REMOTELY offensive” remark—the really stunning thing here is that you get any “first dates” at all. One can only wonder what kind of “guy” would even dream of going out with you. Masochistic fools, Mommy’s-basement-dwelling fatbodies desperate for any interaction with a female, or the grotesquely unattractive and/or disfigured, I’d bet.

4. IT’S LIKE GUYS ARE WALKING ON EGGSHELLS AROUND US.
Guys are feeling the heat and we can all tell.

I dunno, maybe considering taking the heat OFF them a little, then? But of course, she immediately seques into another self-contradiction, another question that obviously answers itself, something she does again and again in this article.

They’re afraid to compliment us or relate to us in the way they were always taught to and trust me, this is a good thing. However, women still like to be pursued (at least I do) and it’s unfortunate that by finally standing up for our rights and demanding respect, we’re totally scaring men away. It’s so messed up and a total shame.

“I still like to be pursued…and the moment any man tries it, I’ll verbally flay him for a Wokeness quotient not up to my exacting standards. I demand that ‘guys’ I date unquestioningly defer to me, crawl to me on hands and knees, and genuflect every minute I agree to grace them with my exalted presence, in respectful acknowledgment of my overall excellence and superiority. Isn’t it, like, just so bizarre that fewer and fewer of them seem at all interested in spending time with me?”

More of the same abject stupidity follows before the bint wraps it up with a restatement of the self-solving mystery.

10. I SWEAR GUYS ARE APPROACHING ME LESS.

SRSLY?!? Only the most clueless, unreflecting dullard in the galaxy could find that puzzling. The answers to all the riddles, the solution to all the problems, can only be found within, babe. Feminist, heal thyself. Otherwise, as Ace so pithily puts it:

Nah, you’re fine. Keep on doing what you’re doing.

After the collapse of my disastrous second marriage, I swore off all association with the female of the species beyond the purely platonic. After reading this, I’ve never been happier I did.

Strongerer, smarterer, BETTERER than YOU!

Posted on May 17, 2021May 17, 2021 by Mike

If you don’t believe it, just ask ’em.

A number of women have come forth asserting they would prefer to keep wearing masks, even after the general public has discarded them, with some of the women offering explanations such as a mask functions as an “invisibility cloak” or acts “almost like taking away the male gaze.”

Fine by me; keep wearing the filthy, dehumanizing things then. I don’t give a shit what you do. Which, as usual and as always, is the primary difference between live-and-let-live types like moi, and fascist-busybody types like vous.

The women who preferred keeping masks were interviewed by The Guardian, which reported some of these comments:

“I don’t want to feel the pressure of smiling at people to make sure everyone knows I’m ‘friendly’ and ‘likable.’ It’s almost like taking away the male gaze. There’s freedom in taking that power back.”

“Maybe it’s because I’m a New Yorker or maybe it’s because I always feel like I have to present my best self to the world, but it has been such a relief to feel anonymous. It’s like having a force field around me that says ‘don’t see me.’”

“I appreciated that I felt a bit more anonymous in a mask and more gender ambiguous. After lockdown ended, it was confronting to go out and be exposed to all that offhand racism, sexism and misgendering from strangers again … Sometimes when I’m just going out to grab takeaway, I’ve enjoyed keeping the mask on even though it’s not really necessary here now.”

“I just stare at that little box with my face in it and pick apart my appearance. My double chin seems six times larger, my eye bags are too deep of a purple, etc … Even when there’s a heatwave and my apartment is close to 90 degrees, I’ll wear a turtleneck that I can pull up. I pack on thick makeup that makes my skin peel. I 10,000% plan on wearing it for the foreseeable future. After a full work day of worrying and not being able to focus on my actual job, it just feels nice to blend in. Simply put, I’m sick of being perceived.”

AWW yeah, these are some mentally strong, healthy, well-adjusted females talkin’. Real role models, the lot of ’em, good examples for the rest of us to idolize and to emulate. Worthy of admiration, the kind of even-keeled, unflappable, just plain solid people that are pretty much the glue holding any functioning society together. We lesser mortals can only look up to such Olympians in awe.

Far from the empowerment the Women’s Movement always claimed it sought, the piteous mewling of wretches so thoroughly debilitated they actually quake in abject terror over the prospect of exposing their uncovered faces to “the male gaze” again suggests that sixty years worth of immersion in the toxic brew of “feminist” cant has resulted in something altogether else. Veronica Hayes, for her part, refuses to call a spade a shovel.

How pathetic. This poor woman would prefer to live in a sterile, faceless world so as to avoid some potential discomfort (or making an effort). That is not freedom. This woman’s dependency on the mask displays weakness, insecurity, and is a willful self-subjugation. Additionally, it attaches blame to men for simply existing in the public arena as it assumes every look holds malicious intent.

Why not a hijab? Why not go all out and wear a full burqa? Or get thee to a nunnery. Covering up for modesty’s sake is a worthwhile endeavor, but concealing one’s visage out of spite against men?

Most of these tremulous twats would be okay with the burqa, if the puzzling Progtard alliance-of-convenience with jihadists is any indication. But no, a nunnery just wouldn’t DO. Nunneries tend to be full of those icky, ooky Christians, and that ain’t acceptable.

The mask as a feminist power symbol is both cringey and counter-intuitive. Women should be celebrating their beauty and femininity rather than feel compelled to cover up out of misplaced fear/hatred for men.

Some women should be, but that would NOT include the Leftard ones. From what I’ve seen of them over the years, I would greater prefer they stick with masking up, myself. Indefinitely. I would consider it a real boon, and would be most grateful to the Progfem community if they just went ahead and made it a permanent thing.

Masks are at once dehumanizing and coddling. Persistent mask-wearing even without the presence of health risk is indulging fragile, poorly-adjusted individuals to remain so. The dependency of those who are not eagerly awaiting the unmasking of America is irrational. Personal insecurities are preventing people from surrendering the mask as well as addressing and overcoming internal issues which create this reliance. Mask-wearing is fostering a sense of general distrust between and among individuals, and in this case, is being used by feminists as another way to demonize men.

Can’t for the life of me figure out exactly when it was that frailty, neurosis, and an utter inability to cope with even the most trifling of life’s discomforts and annoyances became things to celebrate and indulge, rather than sad markers of personal weakness and inadequacy—character defects that most of those afflicted would go to some length to keep their embarrassing condition private.

How it’s DONE

Posted on May 15, 2021May 16, 2021 by Mike

Get up, stand up/Stand up for your rights…before they’re gone forever.

A Trump supporter said exactly what all of us have been thinking during an absolutely epic rant at a gas station.

In a video posted to Instagram, the infuriated man paces around a gas station demanding to know why Joe Biden voters are not being forced to stand by every mistake the president makes — the way that Trump supporters had to defend every single thing he did.

“Where the f-ck are the Joe Biden supporters?” the man shouts at the crowded station at the beginning of the video. “I can tell y’all why I support Trump, tell me why y’all support this motherf-cker.”

He walked around for a minute before noting that “ain’t nobody saying nothing,” as no one was willing to stand up to him and defend Biden’s honor. He noted that liberals had a “whole lot of energy” to open their mouths when Trump was in office.

As people filled their cars with the newly overpriced gas thanks to the administration’s policies, he explained that every day he had to explain why he supported Trump.

“I had to stand behind that sh-t every f-cking day,” he says in exasperated frustration. “I don’t hear no motherf-cking body telling me why they support Joe Biden or all this goofy sh-t.”

Cassandra cautions that the language is, shall we say, not suitable for children and other living things, and she ain’t wrong. But sometimes good old-fashioned salty words are just what the occasion calls for. This would be one of those times. Be sure to scroll down at GP and watch the vid; as I told the members of my small text-msg meme list earlier, it just might be the greatest video of all time. And there’s more cause for celebration and hope out there.

The Lewis Country Store in Nashville, Tennessee is making massive waves with a giant screen broadcasting memes slamming the Biden administration over gas prices.

Among the memes are photos of a laughing Tucker Carlson, an empty gas gauge with the Biden/Harris logo, and a meme of the president’s son, Hunter Biden, smoking crack in a bathtub.

“Hope gas prices don’t get too high,” one side of the meme reads. The other side is captioned “gas prices,” with the Biden family photo.

The gas station and country store previously made waves for putting a message on the screen that read “roses are red. Grass is greener. If you think I’m gonna wear a mask, you can suck my wiener.”

Read all of this one and watch the vid too; I personally guarantee it’ll put a smile on your face and a song in your heart. Speaking of songs, I’ve posted this classic Marley tune before, I know. But it’s never the wrong time to enjoy it again, and it never will be.

Preach it, brother.

Thanks, but no thanks

Posted on May 13, 2021May 13, 2021 by Mike

Nobody needs to ever worry about tripping over me trying to get themselves an Impossible Whopper, I can tell you that much.

All of a sudden, we are being bombarded with agit-prop in favor of eating bugs and plant-based proteins, rather than eating beef and chicken. Beef seems to be the primary target, but that could simply be the result of the Left’s long war against cows. The Left believes cows are part of a secret conspiracy against Gaia to poison the atmosphere. The “cow fart” conspiracy is as real to them as the ongoing Russian conspiracy.

A few years ago, the fast food chain Burger King introduced something called an “impossible burger” which is made from grass clippings. The claim was that it tasted just like their regular burgers but was made from plants. Why they did this was never asked or explained. Up to that point, the number of people saying, “Man, I could really go for a burger made from grass clippings right now” was zero. In fact, the number remains stubbornly pegged at zero. No one wants this.

Now, billion dollar companies make dumb decisions. History is full of ideas cooked up in corporate offices that turn out to be laughably stupid. Maybe this grass burger idea is just another example, like new Coke. The thing is though, they did not invent the grass burger or the idea of it. There are two companies pushing this idea. Impossible Products and Beyond Meat are producing fake meat products. It was the former who approached Burger King with the plant burger idea.

Now, it is important to note here that these new fake meat products do not taste like meat as is claimed. They taste like what people who have never tasted meat think meat tastes like to humans. The fake beef has the mouth-feel of oatmeal. It is a weird sort of grainy slime when you eat it. It is not horrible and if you were starving you would probably eat it, but cannibalism would start to look appealing. Like the previous attempts to create fake meat, this new stuff is not very good.

Ain’t it the damnable truth. Back in the day, my roomie in NYC was unfortunate enough to do a short sentence condemned to dating a vegan chick. He brought home a pack of “Not Dogs” once on her recommendation. In a heroic demonstration of self-sacrifice and solidarity with the silly bint, Kev decided to try the abominable things out, and despite severe misgivings I agreed to join him. After about three bites, the last of which I spat into the kitchen trash can with no small vim, it was clear that her blandishments of “Ohh, they taste JUST LIKE real hotdogs!” were either delusional or just a damned brazen lie.

I always found this veg-head compulsion to make grandiose and extravagant claims regarding the scrumptious flavor of “vegan alternatives to meat” greatly annoying. You want a hot dog, eat a goddamned hot dog and get on with your life. If you actually LIKE Not Dogs—and you’re bugfuck nuts if you do—please do the rest of us the courtesy of not trying to kid anybody, including your empty-headed self, about what they do and do not taste like. Just eat the putrid things and leave sane people alone.

But ZMan understands what the whole exercise is really all about, which actually involves several traits, tactics, and objectives typical of our Progressivist betters. It is absolutely, positively NOT about flavor. That’s just a ruse they employ to trick the rest of us into sharing their misery.

The point is the companies pushing this do not have a better mousetrap. They are not even making that claim. In fact, they make it clear that their products are not better than what they seek to replace. In their public demonstrations they concede that it is, at best, a close facsimile. Instead, they claim their products are morally superior. You see, the burger made from grass clippings and dried leaves pleases Gaia. She will therefore reward the grass eaters and punish the meat eaters.

At some point, somebody needs to start punishing the Progtards. The weedy, sunken-chested feebs have gotten well above their proper station, and must be reminded of their proper place in the grand scheme of things and put back into it. Although I guess having to choke down Not Dogs and other such horrible swill is probably punishment enough.

Update! Now THAT’S what I’m talkin’.

Via WeirdDave.

A classic Fisking

Posted on May 8, 2021May 8, 2021 by Mike

The treacherous, feeble NeverTrumpTard cuckservatives currently overseeing the slow demise of the once respected NRO tried to have a go at Strauss and Howe’s Generations Theory, in their now-standard dishonest, supercilious way. Bill, bless his cold, black heart, ain’t having any of it.

Reasons to Doubt that America Is Reaching a Scheduled Nervous Breakdown (NRO link not transcribed, because fuck ’em—M)j
One of the problems with any theory suggesting that history moves in inexorable preset and distinctive cycles is that you have to focus your metaphorical camera lens on particular events and leave the rest of the mess out of frame. It’s not crazy to believe, as Howe and Strauss contend, that the years from 1946 to Kennedy’s assassination in 1963 represent a “high” in American life. It certainly seemed that way compared to the Great Depression and World War Two! But to classify that era as a a “high,” you more or less have to hand-wave away segregation, “massive resistance,” the Korean War, McCarthyism, the arms race, Sputnik, Mao and the Communist takeover of China, the Cuban Missile Crisis, and the beginning of the Vietnam War.

Sorry, you really don’t understand the theory well enough to comment on it.

Was the postwar period a high? By just about every measure, yes.

On the ground, segregation was improving, but during that period, whites made up about 90% of the US population, and the protests and riots of the 1960s-70s era were yet to come. The Korean War was a relatively minor affair, especially as compared to WWII, (402,000 casualties vs 38,000) and Dwight Eisenhower was elected to bring the troops home, which he did.

McCarthyism was a minor political issue that did not interfere much with the average American’s enjoyment of the Good Times. The arms race, sputnik, Castro, and Vietnam were blips, (the Cuban missile crisis lasted only for a few days), and did not much affect the overall zeitgeist either. As for Mao, nobody here cared about China. A majority of Americans probably couldn’t even find it on a map.

The economy boomed, and America bestrode the world like a collossus. Everybody who wanted one had a job, and the jobs paid well. The standard of living doubled, doubled again, and then again. Science and technology churned out marvel after marvel that made life for the average America simpler and more satisfying. I can remember how thrilled my mom was when modern washing machines and dryers came on to the scene.

You could send your kids outdoors to play in the summer from breakfast until dinner time with little or no supervision, and little or no fear for their safety.

It was a true golden era, and to try to pretend that it wasn’t is disingenuous in the extreme.

Rewriting history—as those fine, upstanding True Conservatives at NRO so hamhandedly attempted—to alter the perception of the 50s in the public mind from the high-water mark of American prosperity, power, and general contentment it truly was to a stilted, joyless, uptight, soul-eating dystopia was a Big Thing™ for several decades there, beginning in the late 60s. I seem to recall that a certain ideology used to be notorious for rewriting history as a means of promoting its own inculcation and spread, but damned if I can remember which one it might have been.

Bill goes right on upsetting the faux-conservative applecart from there, and it’s a joy to behold.

Record set!

Posted on May 4, 2021May 4, 2021 by Mike

The briefest excerpt I’ve ever done.

We’re Not the Crazy Ones
The bottom line is this: We conservatives may not be right about every single issue—but the other side thinks men can have babies.

There’s more that can be said, of course, and the rest of the article does just that. But in the end, the pull quote says it all.

BFYTW

Posted on April 27, 2021April 27, 2021 by Mike

I’ve already flatly stated that the only way FederalGovCo will be getting their “vaccine” into my personal bloodstream is via physical force, and I was by no means kidding around. There are numerous reasons backing my assessment, some of which have now been rounded up in one convenient place. As I’ve also said, for me the issue boils down to trust: after the last several years’ worth of countless demonstrations of its duplicity, its treachery, its consummate immorality and corruption, do you trust the federal government with your health, likely even your very life?

I don’t, so I won’t. End of story. But there’s another reason I hadn’t thought of, and it may well be the most compelling of them all.

I’m not really avoiding the vaccine due to potential medical complications, or because of the speed with which it was produced.

Personal liberty is not the reason I’m avoiding it, either. I’m not a member of the “don’t tread on me” club. Though I don’t think mandated “vaccine passports” are a brilliant idea, my refusal to take the vaccine is not related to some perceived or real government overreach. I’m not here to take a principled stand against the federal or state governments on this issue. In fact, I’m saving my principled stands against the federal or state governments for issues that really matter, like strengthening libel laws so that lying journalists can finally be shipped off to Guantanamo Bay where they belong.

My primary reason for refusing the vaccine is much simpler: I dislike the people who want me to take it, and it makes them mad when they hear about my refusal. That, in turn, makes me happy.

Maybe it’s petty, but the thought of the worst people on planet earth, those whom I like to call the Branch Covidians, literally shaking as I stroll into Target vaccine-free, makes me smile.

It wasn’t until the sociopathic mediocrity that is the entrenched liberal political class in Washington began bullying normal people into wearing masks, staying home, standing six feet apart from others at all times, mobilizing even less impressive liberal stormtroopers to play the role of COVID-19 prevention Gestapo, and then finally propped up the vaccine as the Holy Grail that would lead us back to “normalcy,” that I finally began to have an opinion on vaccines. And though I don’t know much about the “anti-vaxxers,” I do know that I’m displeased with the way they have been portrayed by the aforementioned GITMO-bound media, simply for harboring opinions that are considered non-mainstream.

So I have decided that because the vile political Left, which I despise in the abstract, wants me to take their coveted vaccine, I simply will not. After the horrifying displeasure of meeting several of their militant COVID-19 restriction enforcers in person over the past year, I have become even more steadfast in my stance.

My newly formed and well-developed opinion on vaccines is this: if those bastards want me to get the jab, I’m not going to do it, because it annoys them.

Perhaps you think I’m being obtuse. I do not care.

Nor should you. From the comments so far, it looks like his plan is working. A like sentiment (via Ace) expressed in somewhat, umm, more direct terms:

🎵Did you ever know that you’re my heeeeeerooo🎵
pic.twitter.com/qlCD4ZQp3F

— DannyTypo‍♂️ (@DanTypo) April 24, 2021

PREACH it, girlfriend. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

What goes around comes around

Posted on April 26, 2021April 26, 2021 by Mike

Who says there’s no good news to be found in this grim, bleak hell-world we live in?

Antifa Members Upset About Being Outed as Members, Feel Threatened

Aw, what a shame. My heart is breaking for you, it really is.

Portland, OR — Multiple members of the domestic terrorist group Antifa have been arrested in Portland in recent weeks. The violence continues to persist in the city where Democrats would like you to believe there is nothing but “mostly peaceful protests.” Apparently, the arrests have upset some of the Antifa members as their names are being outed in the media.

One case is that of Jacob Camello, who identifies as female, and was arrested for rioting and destroying businesses in the Portland area. Journalist Andy Ngo shared the information about the arrest. Jacob was upset about it in a post after Andy’s reporting.

Jacob says that the reporting of the individuals involved is encouraging harm against those people.

One can only hope so. And that, at some point, “encouraging harm” will evolve into something a little more, ummm, tangible, so to speak.

What goes around comes around

Posted on April 18, 2021April 18, 2021 by Mike

Or: Karma is a brass-plated bitch.

Maricopa woman finds tires slashed and a severed finger in her driveway

Right off the bat, you know this is gonna be good.

A couple in Maricopa woke up to their tires slashed and a severed finger in the driveway on Thursday morning.

“I literally have been laughing all day because if I don’t, I might cry,” said Francesca Wikoff.

I confess, I’m already giggling a bit over here myself.

The truck belongs to the Wikoff family. Wikoff, a former volunteer firefighter and EMT, has the stomach for this sort of thing. “It’s pretty comical. You would think that if you’re gonna go to the hospital, especially if you just severed your finger off, that you would take said finger with you,” said Wikoff.

Wikoff believes the tire slasher cut her back tire then cut his finger off on accident. “We assume it happened at 10:30 last night because we had our neighbor that lives next to him heard a loud scream and then a car speeding off,” said Wikoff.

The Maricopa mother believes the finger belongs to her neighbor because they argued with him the night before and a trail of blood leads to his house.

“Pretty comical” doesn’t even BEGIN to cover it, Miz W. Be sure to click on over for her closing quip, which is a doozy.

Some SCIENCE!™ you can believe in

Posted on April 17, 2021April 17, 2021 by Mike

Another one of those too-long-open-tab items, so I can’t recall who I should offer credit for it. But I’m confident you’ll agree it was worth the delay.

AN FAQ ABOUT YOUR NEW BIRTH CONTROL: THE MUSIC OF RUSH

What’s in it?
Every woman deserves to know exactly what’s in her birth control. Rush is a Canadian progressive rock power trio whose golden era is generally considered to be from 1975 to 1982. Thankfully, for your long-term family planning strategy, the band has an extensive discography that spans from 1974 to 2012.

The music of Rush is marked by erratic signature changes, unconventional chord structures, heavy use of synthesizers and electronic effects, and, most importantly, lead vocals that sound like an ancient witch is being exorcised out of your body with live wires. In less clinical terms, imagine taking the most annoying parts of science fiction and Libertarianism, isolating them, and then somehow blending them up into a cursed musical slurry. Then, infuse that slurry with a distinctive incel vibe, and presto! You’ve got one of the most powerful contraception options on the market.

How effective is it?
No one has ever gotten pregnant while listening to the music of Rush. Clinical studies show that when combined with watching a male sexual partner play air bass along to the extended solo in “Freewill,” the contraceptive efficacy of Rush approaches 100%.

Will I experience any discomfort?
Yes.

How does it work?
The music of Rush is a tri-modal contraceptive, meaning it acts on three biological systems — endocrine, reproductive, and psychological. Together, this system is known as “Surge, Purge, and Loss of Urge.”

Surge: When a woman hears the ill-considered, stereotypical East-Asian riff at the beginning of “A Passage to Bangkok,” her pituitary gland floods the system with the hormone disgustagen. You’re familiar with this naturally-occurring hormone as it’s released by your body when your male colleague tells you to smile or when someone says, “You’re cute when you’re angry.” This makes Rush a safe, natural alternative to copper IUDs.

Purge: The purge phase begins when the vocals kick in. You’ll think you’re hearing jaws of life prying open a metal car door after a devastating accident. This is actually the testicles-in-a-vise banshee wail of vocalist and bassist Geddy Lee. His countertenor falsetto, combined with the surge of disgustagen, work in concert to trigger a panic response in the ovaries. Your reproductive system intuitively knows that it should not bring a child into a world that would reward this music with success. The ovaries will start tossing eggs overboard like they’re bailing out water from a sinking canoe.

Loss of Urge: The first two contraceptive phases of the music of Rush work synergistically with Loss of Urge, your most reliable tool in pregnancy prevention. About 30 seconds into the melodic meandering and feral-cat-being-threatened-by-a-raccoon vocals, a woman will experience a complete and total shut down of her sex drive. At this point, her legs will snap shut with the spring tension of a bear trap, making intercourse all but impossible.

Are there any side effects?
Common side effects include:

Skin crawling

Jaw clenching

Shuddering

Loss of social status

Embarrassment

Some women report feeling incredibly uncool. You may develop medium-to-severe irritation when your male sexual partner gives an impassioned ten-minute speech on how Neil Peart was the greatest percussionist in human history.

You have many options when it comes to birth control. Ask your doctor if the music of Rush is right for you.

Heh. If you ask me, the “music” of Rush isn’t right for anybody.

Keeping a lid on things

Posted on April 14, 2021April 14, 2021 by Mike

A practical application of the Second Amendment.

On Tuesday night a second round of riots and looting took place in Brooklyn Center, Minnesota, which is not far from the riot-and-crime-ridden city of Minneapolis. Footage of Dollar Tree and other storefronts being burglarized in act of civil protest against racial injustice circulated online, and gunshots were routinely heard in the distance.

A few stores in Brooklyn Center were left unmolested, however: businesses guarded out front by armed civilians.

Emphasis mine, and vital.

Despite calls to violent “revolution” by looters, they did not appear interested in a confrontation with determined shopkeepers.

No, I reckon not. The pics at the bottom of this Tweet say it all.

Some Brooklyn Center stores are being protected by civilians with firearms. The looters have stayed away from these places. pic.twitter.com/fAcmYFxLG6

— Julio Rosas (@Julio_Rosas11) April 13, 2021

Don’t start none, won’t be none, bitches. However, be aware: if you DO start some, there are folks around who’ll be more than happy to finish it for ya.

Ghastly!

Posted on April 10, 2021April 10, 2021 by Mike

Haven’t mentioned the death of Prince Phillip here yet, because…well, because meh, honestly. But then I saw this.

The royal consort of the UK has died at age 99. An acerbic individual, here are a selection of Prince Philip’s greatest hits, including his long-running wars against Tom Jones and Elton John, from a 2011 article in The Independent:

1. “Ghastly.” Prince Philip’s opinion of Beijing, during a 1986 tour of China.

2. “Ghastly.” Prince Philip’s opinion of Stoke-on-Trent, as offered to the city’s Labour MP Joan Walley at Buckingham Palace in 1997.

7. “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?” Asked of a Scottish driving instructor in 1995.

8. “Damn fool question!” To BBC journalist Caroline Wyatt at a banquet at the Elysée Palace after she asked Queen Elizabeth if she was enjoying her stay in Paris in 2006.

11. “We don’t come here for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves.” During a trip to Canada in 1976.

13. “British women can’t cook.” Winning the hearts of the Scottish Women’s Institute in 1961.

15. “What do you gargle with – pebbles?” To Tom Jones, after the Royal Variety Performance, 1969. He added the following day: “It is very difficult at all to see how it is possible to become immensely valuable by singing what I think are the most hideous songs.”

16. “It’s a vast waste of space.” Philip entertained guests in 2000 at the reception of a new £18m British Embassy in Berlin, which the Queen had just opened.

18. “If it has four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.” Said to a World Wildlife Fund meeting in 1986.

22. “I would like to go to Russia very much – although the bastards murdered half my family.” In 1967, asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union.

Good, goooood squishy, that is. More equally succulent Royal badinage at the link. May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest, Your Highness.

Backscat

Posted on April 6, 2021April 6, 2021 by Mike

Related to the previous post, yes, but I had someplace else I wanted to go with this theme and decided to give it its own place in the sun.

All-Star Game Moved From Atlanta To Uyghur Prison Camp Yard
ATLANTA, GA—Spokespeople for Major League Baseball announced today that the All-Star Game this summer will be moved from Atlanta, due to its egregious voting laws, to a Uyghur prison camp yard, where there aren’t any bad voting laws at all.

The game will be held in the spacious prison yard, which features a tall barbed-wire fence and a modest outfield. The venue features lots of free labor, so every role from the ball boys to the concession vendors won’t cost the league a dime. In fact, the workers are already happily chalking the baselines and tending the grass, since if they don’t, they will be murdered.

“We must move the All-Star game to a place that shares our values,” said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. “This prison yard is absolutely perfect, and they’re giving it to us absolutely free. What a friend we have in Communist China!”

“Most importantly, the prison camp has no ban on early voting, since there is no voting, and no law against giving voters water, since there are no voters. Or water.”

In case you didn’t know already, the Bee is referencing Coca Cola’s ongoing more-than-cozy relationship with some truly rancid Commie dictatorships, China included. Anyways, know how I’m always going on about how working at the Bee has to be one of the toughest jobs in the world, given the near-impossibility of satirizing the overall state of affairs these days?

Well. About all that.

MLB Moves All-Star Game to Blue State with Stronger Election Laws Than Georgia

After pulling the All-Star Game from Atlanta over a Georgia election integrity law in line with the majority of U.S. states and most nations around the world, MLB is awarding the game to…drum roll please…the blue state of Colorado.

Here is the clincher though: Colorado has voter ID to vote in person, requires signature verification for mail-in ballots (unlike Georgia, which requires last four of Social Security number or driver’s license number), and a similar ban on food and water being given away by electioneers that Georgia has.

The All-Star Game being pulled from the Braves will cost Cobb County, where the stadium is hosted, and the surrounding areas an estimated $100 million in tourist revenue.

Awww, what a shame. I can’t even remember the last time ATL (where I lived for two years myself back in the late 90s) had a Republican mayor, so it is only meet and just that Duh Peepul get what they voted for—good and hard.

IT’S THE REAL THING, BABY!!!

Posted on April 6, 2021April 6, 2021 by Mike

Ruh roh.

Racial stereotypes, racial classifications and quotas, explicitly racist indoctrination — why is Coca-Cola so obsessed with discriminating against people based on the color of their skin rather than evaluating all of the individual characteristics that make each person a unique member of the human race? Perhaps racism is in the company’s own DNA, not at all different from the way the beverage company judges white Americans as racists for historical injustices in which they claimed no part.

Actually, let’s just be straight and upfront about what Coke’s master-race bigotry truly is: Naziism.

Translation: One race, one nation, one fizzy sugar water—Coke is it! As an OG blogger, I’ve been waiting many years for the chance to use this old line unironically, and by here by the grace of God it is at long, long last: Sounds better in the original German. Another piece of vintage Coke memorabilia, to give you an even more delicious frisson of…dare we call it…schadenfreude?

SIEG HEIL, UBERMENSCHEN!!

It would take a heart of stone not to laugh, wouldn’t it? More thirst-quenching goodness:

Coca-Cola was a major presence in Nazi Germany, even though officials in the Reich were said to believe the stuff was too frivolous for the German character. Nevertheless, the very American nature of the product (wealth, flashy dreams, etc.) appealed too much to the German public and the stuff was kept around. It wasn’t until 1942 that the company’s presence in the nation was seriously threatened.

Coca-Cola’s hundreds of bottling plants in Germany were naturally cut off from main American support when America entered World War II. But Max Keith, the representative of the company in Germany at the time, redubbed the product “Fanta” for Reich consumption. The bottling factories and processing plant were then used to provide Germany’s citizens a key element to keep their energy up to support the war effort: A supply of sugar above what the government rationed to them. After the war, Keith, in an amazing display of company loyalty, turned over the wartime profits to the parent company when the Allied armies arrived, when surely the gigantic amount of inevitable post-war confusion and complication would have allowed him to sneak off with it.

Back to the first piece for more yet:

Does Coca-Cola not highlight its financial history with Nazi Germany when crowing about its racial purity tests today? Or the fact that Germany’s inconvenient declaration of war against the United States made it sufficiently difficult for Coca-Cola to maintain its prominent reputation within the Reich that the company’s German representatives repurposed the operations of hundreds of bottling plants toward the production of a new drink called Fanta to serve thirsty German soldiers throughout the war? Does the Coca-Cola Company not brag about Fanta’s wartime genesis as a Nazi beverage? How strange.

One would think that a company so dedicated to rooting out “white supremacy” that it forces its white employees into racial re-education training seminars would first want to take a hard look at its own rather awkward historical relationship with actual white supremacists intent on building a world-dominating “master race.” That’s what “racial justice” requires, right — the punishment of one generation of Americans for the sins of generations past? So why should Coca-Cola’s questionable corporate history be off-limits when it goes out of its way to demonize white Americans for no other reason than the color of their skin?

On the other hand, everything about Coca-Cola’s racial indoctrination program today sounds as if it could be ripped right from the pages of Nazi Germany’s own race laws, with Jews and other “undesirables” being crossed out and “whites” scribbled in their place. All the racial animosity that nearly destroyed humanity last century is back in “woke” form, and some of the same companies that underestimated the Nazi threat then are underestimating the evil intent of the new racialist agendas that are taking over the corporate world today.

Let’s just be honest here: racial animosity never really went away, and it’s never going to. It can be shunned, it can be made socially unacceptable, it can be suppressed or denied. But down deep, in one way or another, preference for one’s own breed and distrust and/or distaste for those outside it will always be around. Tribalism, clannishness, and hostility to The Other are all simply innate with us humans, an ineradicable part of our nature. The only truly new phenomenon here is the bone-deep audacity of Woke execs shamelessly sermonizing at everybody else on the very sins their own corporate entity is but mere decades away from having been guilty of itself.

Fret not, though; I’m sure that, despite the blasé shrugging whenever some fed-to-the-gills Southron declines to shoulder the full weight of responsibility for a long-defunct Peculiar Institution he had nothing to do with personally via pointing at the unjust foolishness of condemning the long-dead past according to present-day standards, Hitler-Cola execs will feel no more shame about resorting to that same defense than they do about constantly lecturing non-shitlibs on their abominable politics. Naturally, their Komrades will be more than happy to play right along with the ruse, too.

Which only makes it all the more vital that we all point at Coca Cola’s Executive Suite shitweasels and just laugh, laugh, laugh.

Blame it on the dog

Posted on March 31, 2021March 31, 2021 by Mike

A likely story.

One of Biden's dogs pooped on the floor, per pool

"Champ and Major were spotted in the hallway outside the Palm Room doors in front of the Diplomatic Room. There was dog poo on the floor. It’s unclear which dog was responsible for it"

— Kathryn Watson (@kathrynw5) March 31, 2021

With a senile, decrepit old wreck like Cadaver Joe in residence, White House staff shouldn’t be in any rush to wag an accusatory finger at the dogs. One of them may very well be the culprit, sure. But I wouldn’t be willing to put any money on it.

CF Search

Login, RSS, &c

CF Archives

Categories

2A/Mostly Guns

Alt-American

Big Dogs

Essayists

Mil

Nuttin’ But News

Odds Bodkins

Overseas/Non-US

Portals

Pure Bloggery

REAL Journalism

Substack Scalawags

The Funny Pages

Comments policy

CF Glossary

Subscribe to CF!

Shameless begging

Correspondence

Allied territory

Notable Quotes

RSS feed

.