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TRUE empowerment

To adapt Jerry Seinfeld’s memorable line in praise of black-and-white cookies: look to the titty.

How the breast was won: The week Sydney Sweeney’s boobs exploded
It’s official. The State of the Union is…boobs.

Florida Democratic Congressman Jared Moskowitz posted — and then deleted — an image on X of a wide-eyed President Joe Biden walking into Thursday night’s speech alongside a picture of “Euphoria” star Sydney Sweeney – the photos situated so his gaze was fixed to her ample cleavage spilling out of a black dress.

Two of this week’s viral moments fused in perfect accord.

When called out by a Politico reporter, Moskowitz responded, “It was inappropriate. I took it down.”

But given the week Sweeney’s breasts have had, it’s only fitting they found their way into the D.C. discourse.

For those not living perpetually online, Sweeney’s au naturale double D bombs set off one of the most brutal, bloody battles in our raging culture wars.

While co-hosting “Saturday Night Live” last weekend, the 26-year-old actress leaned into her famous bust, playing a stacked Hooters waitress in one sketch.

During the show’s wrap-up, she donned a plunging black frock that showed off her girls, bouncing as she enthusiastically dished out the customary thank-yous.

The image of the blonde’s embonpoint boomeranged online, drawing lusty appreciation from dudes.

Only one correct response to that last.

You all know what comes next, I’m sure: the weeping, the wailing, the gnashing of teeth over the unfairness, the injustice of it all.

And then, blowback from the left flank: a flurry of angry tweets including one from writer Ali Barthwell who admitted she couldn’t get past the paywall to read Phetasy’s analysis but called Phetasy’s premise, “fatphobia, misogyny, anti-blackness, transphobia just rolled into one” anyway.

“These weird conservatives are lifting up sydney sweeney for being a thin cis white blonde with big boobs because they are mad other body types have also been on tv,” she wrote.

Actually, Bimbelina, we “weird conservatives” don’t give three whoops in Hell what body types are “also on TV.” What frosts Normals is having scantily clad land whales and morbidly obese manatee-facsimiles crammed down our throats by finger-wagging Wokester bluenoses such as yourself—on TeeWee, in Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues, in Victoria’s Secret catalogs. These disgusting tubs of sebaceous goo have us surrounded nowadays. Lumbering and wallowing across the landscape, displaying more square acreage of jiggly flab than your average WalMart parking lot can boast, they’re everywhere you look, there’s really no avoiding them.

Bottom line? Simply this.

And whatever the societal implications of her bustline, Sweeney seems to be winking at us all, from the driver’s seat.

The ultimate feminine power play.

Heh. Suck on THAT, “liberal” scolds, harridans, and harpies. Normals are fed to the eyeteeth with your bullshit head games at this point, and we ain’t playing anymore. How horrible it must be for you, having the tables turned on you like this.

Calls for a little Superior Dance to de-stress the shitlib Church Ladies and soothe their anguish over Miss Sweeney’s bodacious fun bags—said anguish exacerbated by her polite but firm refusal to bend the knee to their demands that, as a pretty young white woman, she must don the hairshirt of PC penitence and be properly ashamed of the gifts God (and good genes) gave her, choosing rather to enjoy them, to revel in them, even. You go, girl.

Sorry, Big Bertha: contra the sweet-sounding lies those who are using you as a political prop have told you, being grossly overweight is not healthy, not beautiful, not attractive or desirable or “sexy” AT. ALL. Deep down, in the places you don’t talk about at AYCE buffets, you know it’s true.

So don’t fall for the lies. Update your thinking, adjust your attitude, make some positive, meaningful changes in your daily routine. Take charge of your life. Diet. Exercise regularly: lift weights, speed-walk or run, do calisthenics, try a hot-yoga class. Make physical fitness your long-term goal.

No, it won’t be easy or quick; it will require a lot of hard work, sweat, and resolve. But I promise you’ll be much happier for it in the end, pumping up your confidence and self-esteem as you begin to see real results, feeling stronger and more energetic as you progress. Instead of cringing with dread at the mere thought of getting off the sofa and going out into public view, you’ll rediscover the sense of personal pride and satisfaction which comes hand-in-glove with genuine accomplishment.

Once the vicious cycle of ennui and self-destruction has been broken, one thing tends to lead to another, then another, then another. It’s amazing to watch it happen, but happen it does.

You’ll sleep better at night. Your monthly grocery bill will drop, although your membership fees at the gym might offset that gain. Your newfound confidence will re-energize your social life, providing the impetus to get out there and mix and mingle now and then, instead of spending the evening alone in front of the TV…AGAIN. You’ll meet interesting people, make new friends. You’ll probably live longer.

Really, now, what have you got to lose? That you honestly, sincerely consider worth hanging onto, I mean?

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