The obvious next step.
Budweiser Replaces Clydesdales With Cows Dressed As Horses
ST. LOUIS, MO — In a natural continuation of its push for diversity and celebration of transgender lifestyles, Anheuser-Busch has announced the company will be replacing the iconic Budweiser Clydesdales with cows that identify as and dress like horses.
“We feel this is a natural next step,” said Anheuser-Busch CEO Brandan Whitworth. “If we’re going to bend reality and ignore all basic understanding of science and biology with our Bud Light brand, then it only makes sense to make that philosophy consistent across our other brands, including the classic Budweiser advertising campaigns.”
The beverage giant scoured the nation in search of dairy cows that live their lives as horses. “I was very excited to receive a phone call from the Budweiser marketing folks,” said dairy farmer Ed Herman. “I just can’t get this group of cows to produce any milk because they insist on pretending to be horses. I was ready to put down the whole lot of ‘em, but now they can actually make me some money with this ad campaign.”
Budweiser marketing executives have mapped out an extensive campaign that will culminate in an emotionally stirring commercial during next year’s Super Bowl broadcast. “We really want to tug on everyone’s heartstrings,” said the company’s marketing spokesperson Katie MacDonell. “We’re absolutely certain that everyone in the country will be excited to follow the journey these proud horses embark on to discover their true inner species.”
After staring closely at the attached picture, I must admit I’m convinced.
Update! Transheuser-Busch tries to win back their traditional customer base, earning only mockery and derision for the patronizing, insultingly schmaltzy effort.
Anheuser-Busch has been devastated financially due to the company’s partnership with transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney.
The company has lost over $7 billion in market value since they decided to shove Mulvaney in America’s face. Merchandisers have also revealed no one is buying Anheuser-Busch products.
Desperate to win back former customers, Budweiser decided to bring back the beloved Clydesdales in a new ad on Friday.
The ad opens with a Clydesdale galloping across a field of grain and then a town street. The horse next passes a fire department, a flag raising ceremony, and a beach.
The commercial concludes with the Clydesdale standing on its hind legs on top of a hill.
Couples and friends are seen throughout the ad along with national monuments such as the Lincoln Memorial.
Let me tell you a story about a beer rooted in the heart of America, found in a community where a handshake is a sure contract, brewed for those who found opportunity and challenge and hope in tomorrow, raised by generations willing to sit, share, risk, remember.
This is a story bigger than beer. This is the story of the American spirit.
If Budweiser thought former customers would forgive and forget, they were sorely mistaken. The former fans instead had an absolute field day over the commercial.
Follows, a collection of hilariously scornful Tweets from disgusted ex-Butt Light drinkers, my favorite of which would have to be this one:
The new Budweiser Clydesdales. pic.twitter.com/9QvPvE9FGK
— masonbo (@masonbo)
Heh. Pinky Pie*, a “transgender”? Who the hell knew?
*NOTE: My ID of the above My Little Pony character might very possibly be in error; my daughter’s agonizing-but-inevitable phase of Pony-love was mercifully brief enough so that I hadn’t time to learn any but a very few of their names.