It’s highly addictive.
Sequel ‘Rehab Bear’ Green-Lit By Producers
LOS ANGELES, CA — Due to the overwhelming popularity of the film Cocaine Bear, movie studio executives and producers announced they have already green-lighted a sequel — an emotional, psychological film reportedly titled Rehab Bear.
“We thought it would be really great to see where the bear goes from here,” said producer Curt Schampers. “We’ve seen him in the throes of cocaine addiction, raging at the world. What happens when he is forced into rehab and discovers that his true enemy…is the bear within?”
The studio has reached out to Martin Scorsese to direct the project, described as part One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, part Taxi Driver, part Tommy Boy. The story reportedly features the formerly cocaine-addled grizzly bear being checked into a rehab facility by his loved ones to deal with his inner demons. “It’s much more of a low-key, psychological drama than the first film,” Schampers continued. “This is about the bear really digging down deep into his soul, finding the true source of his drug addiction, and also mauling and killing dozens and dozens of other people at the rehab facility.”
Producers were expected to use a mixture of live bears and CGI bears, despite the rumored interest of renowned actor Daniel Day-Lewis in playing the role of the bear.
At publishing time, creators of the film were already brainstorming potential future installments of the franchise, including Relapse Bear, Cocaine Bear Hits Rock Bottom, and the natural conclusion of the series — Cocaine Bear Runs for Congress.
Damn, looks like I may have to break my decades-long, indifference-induced streak of not bothering about going to the movies with all this edifying fare in the cinematic pipeline. Don’t laugh too hard, though; Hollywood being Hollywood—entirely bereft of new ideas and creative spark, struggling to put asses in theater seats, desperate to keep the money machine whirring merrily along—you know damned well they’ll do it.