The Bee checks out the news in an alternate universe, wherein Trump is serving his second term as President.
- Nancy Pelosi announces 38th impeachment proceeding against President Trump.
- Unemployment reaches 0% for first time in history, stock market gets so high they have to add another digit to the counter.
- Trump holds ecumenical church council to unify all the denominations under the true gospel of Jesus Christ.
- Ukraine invades Russia.
- United States purchases Greenland in tremendous deal.
- Americans save $1600 on July 4 BBQs.
- American troops pulled from Afghanistan in careful, strategic, slow withdraw; 0 Americans stranded; utopia breaks out.
- New York Times publishes article explaining why $1/gallon gas is bad and racist.
Naaaah, we’re MUCH better off staying here in Bizarro World with Grampy Gropey and his pinhead crew. I left a good few for y’all to click on through for, but even so there are two more I just can’t resist putting up.
- President gives coherent speech.
- Everyone who ever took their kids to a drag show arrested.
Heh. Yep, obviously not OUR universe, more’s the pity. Neither of those last two things could ever happen in this shitty timeline we’re all stuck in.
The whole country is going down the tubes. Mad max time is near