The Bee checks out the news in an alternate universe, wherein Trump is serving his second term as President.
- Nancy Pelosi announces 38th impeachment proceeding against President Trump.
- Unemployment reaches 0% for first time in history, stock market gets so high they have to add another digit to the counter.
- Trump holds ecumenical church council to unify all the denominations under the true gospel of Jesus Christ.
- Ukraine invades Russia.
- United States purchases Greenland in tremendous deal.
- Americans save $1600 on July 4 BBQs.
- American troops pulled from Afghanistan in careful, strategic, slow withdraw; 0 Americans stranded; utopia breaks out.
- New York Times publishes article explaining why $1/gallon gas is bad and racist.
Naaaah, we’re MUCH better off staying here in Bizarro World with Grampy Gropey and his pinhead crew. I left a good few for y’all to click on through for, but even so there are two more I just can’t resist putting up.
- President gives coherent speech.
- Everyone who ever took their kids to a drag show arrested.
Heh. Yep, obviously not OUR universe, more’s the pity. Neither of those last two things could ever happen in this shitty timeline we’re all stuck in.