No matter how bad things are wherever you live, you can be sure it’s much worse in California.
EAST PALESTINE, OH — Despite recent hardship, the quaint village of East Palestine has seen a surge in real estate sales as embittered Californians seek refuge in a state promising a better quality of life.
“California is a cesspool!” said Jason Gillespie, formerly of Fresno, CA. “And don’t get me started on the gas prices. At least here in East Palestine, I can afford to eat!”
The Gillespie family is not alone. According to a new report, approximately 700 families have moved to East Palestine within the last week alone and by the end of the year, the Census Bureau estimates the city will have a larger population than San Francisco.
Derrick Pastrano, formerly of San Bernardino, CA, was reportedly adamant to leave California behind after he received a $437.00 gas bill. “Living in California is a death sentence. I think we’ll have a better chance here,” he said, surrounded by hundreds of dead chickens. “And look! There’s plenty to eat all over the ground!”
Moving to East Palestine is expected to increase the life span of Californians by up to 15 years, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
At publishing time, California Governor Gavin Newsom had spent millions on an unnecessary commercial in which he blasted the town of East Palestine for stealing California residents and not having enough drag queen story hours.
From the Bee, of course, so who even knows whether it’s satire or for real. More great headlines from the same source:
And the all-time award winner for most gruesomely realistic Bee headline ever:
More disturbing still, Biden’s approval rating is somehow still well above the 2 or 3% it would be in a sane country.