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Californication

No matter how bad things are wherever you live, you can be sure it’s much worse in California.

East Palestine Sees Real Estate Surge From Californians Seeking Better Quality Of Life

EAST PALESTINE, OH — Despite recent hardship, the quaint village of East Palestine has seen a surge in real estate sales as embittered Californians seek refuge in a state promising a better quality of life.

“California is a cesspool!” said Jason Gillespie, formerly of Fresno, CA. “And don’t get me started on the gas prices. At least here in East Palestine, I can afford to eat!”

The Gillespie family is not alone. According to a new report, approximately 700 families have moved to East Palestine within the last week alone and by the end of the year, the Census Bureau estimates the city will have a larger population than San Francisco.

Derrick Pastrano, formerly of San Bernardino, CA, was reportedly adamant to leave California behind after he received a $437.00 gas bill. “Living in California is a death sentence. I think we’ll have a better chance here,” he said, surrounded by hundreds of dead chickens. “And look! There’s plenty to eat all over the ground!”

Moving to East Palestine is expected to increase the life span of Californians by up to 15 years, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

At publishing time, California Governor Gavin Newsom had spent millions on an unnecessary commercial in which he blasted the town of East Palestine for stealing California residents and not having enough drag queen story hours.

From the Bee, of course, so who even knows whether it’s satire or for real. More great headlines from the same source:

Sixth Grader Swears His Science Homework Was Blown Up By A Sidewinder Missile

Cleveland Browns Thankful To No Longer Be Largest Disaster In Ohio

Meteorologists Struggling To Report The Weather As All The Weather Balloons Have Been Shot Down

Time Traveler From The Year 2024 Amazed By Ordinary People Cooking Eggs On A Gas Stove

And the all-time award winner for most gruesomely realistic Bee headline ever:

Disturbing Poll Reveals 26% Of Americans Still Trust The Media

More disturbing still, Biden’s approval rating is somehow still well above the 2 or 3% it would be in a sane country.

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