Don’t anybody worry; I’m sure those good, über-competent patriots at our awesome FBI will spring into action any moment now to announce their total confustication as to what the motive for this might possibly have been.
Author Salman Rushdie is likely to lose one of his eyes and is currently on a ventilator after he was attacked on stage at a literary event in upstate New York on Friday, a report said.
“The news is not good,” the 75-year-old writer’s agent, Andrew Wylie, told The New York Times.
“Salman will likely lose one eye; the nerves in his arm were severed; and his liver was stabbed and damaged,” said Wylie.
Rushdie, who is still unable to speak, was attacked by a lone man while speaking at an event at the Chautauqua Institution in Chautauqua, NY, about 75 miles south of Buffalo.
He was scheduled to speak about the United States as a place for exiled authors “as a home for freedom of expression,” according to the institute. After the stabbing, he was transported by helicopter to a hospital in Erie, Pennsylvania.
Yeah, well, not anymore, Salman. Not for a good, long while now, I’m afraid. That’s a battle we lost many moons ago, as you just found out yourself in a most horrible way.
A witness who was in the audience told The Post that Rushdie tried to run off the stage, and the two men scuffled before audience members rushed onstage to subdue the attacker.
Wait for it…waaaiiiit for it…
His alleged attacker, 24-year-old Hadi Matar, of Fairview, New Jersey, was arrested by a state trooper at the scene, the Times reported.
Hm. Nice solid, all-American name there, wouldn’t you say? Why, a name like that fairly well screams “bred-in-the-bone, 100% AMERICAN by birth, lineage, and creed” to the high heavens. No wonder the FBI always finds itself so deeply perplexed every time yet another of these bizarre, inexplicable events happens, right out of a clear blue sky and against every expectation. Guess we’ll never know for sure what caused it.