Some people just can’t deal with being at the top of the food chain. Tough noogies for them, sez I.
The time has finally come when your intrepid food and cooking guru finally puts his money where his mouth is and tries those horrid, soul-killing, culture-destroying, taste-obliterating, post-modern monstrosities that are fake meat.
“Made From Plants.” That’s the full description of this “food,” (ie, Impossible™ breakfast sausage—M) which looked very much like some crap breakfast sausage that had been overcooked and was now rather dry and tough. “Made from plants?” So is steak and pork chops, and I don’t crow about it! But right next door was turkey sausage, which is also an abomination unto the Lord, so what did I have to lose?
A lot! My soul for one. My rapidly diminishing faith in Mankind for another. And more importantly, there was actual real bacon within arm’s reach!
Yeah…I chickened out. Maybe next time.
Heh. I see what you just did there, CBD, and I like it.
What’s always struck me as hilarious about all these “vegan” products is how their manufacturers always desperately (and deceptively) try to market them as almost exactly like bacon, hot dogs, ground beef, sausage, etc. If vegans want to eat meat so badly as all that, maybe they ought to just nut the fuck up and, y’know, eat some fucking meat then, instead of ceaselessly trying to convince themselves, you, me, and everyone else within arm’s reach that no, really, that flavorless, disgusting-looking, dried-out Not Dog or Fakin’ Bacon or whatthefuckever is just as good as the real thing.
Well, no, actually, it isn’t. Not even close. “Vegan alternatives” are usually overpriced, soy-rife, nutrition-bereft chemical compounds engineered and grown by scientists in a chem lab someplace. Do I like vegetables? Of course I do. But most of those Frankenmeats have precious few real vegetables in ‘em. Might not leave room for all that tofu, unnerstand.
Add in the cost of the family-size jugs of Beano you’ll have to buy and gulp down in handfuls to cope with the extraordinary bouts of ass-ripping flatulence those “vegan alternatives” bring on, plus the pallet-loads of Kaopectate to help you deal with the constant drizzling shits you’ll also be plagued by, and pretty soon that “healthy” alternative to real meat is going to put a serious dent in your bank account.
But hey, if it allows the vegan to feel all smug and superior to those barbaric, unevolved omnivores, then it’s a bargain at any price, amIright? Oh, and since I backhandedly mentioned evolution just now, wonder how those “enlightened” vegans explain away the fact that humans are equipped with molars, canines, and incisor teeth, hm?
All in all, I’m firmly and forevermore in my old friend Horton Heat’s corner on all this.
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““Vegan alternatives” are usually overpriced, soy-rife, nutrition-bereft chemical compounds engineered and grown by
scientistscon men in a chem lab someplace.”FIFY
“…wonder how those “enlightened” vegans explain away the fact that humans are equipped with molars, canines, and incisor teeth, hm?”
Same way they explain away the failures of socialism/communism. They lie.
“right next door was turkey sausage, which is also an abomination unto the Lord”
The other day I was in the mood for bangers and mash and needed to buy sausages. The small supermarket (a pretty good one) only had turkey sausages so I bought those. The result: never again.
I loved that song and that Album by The Reverend. I just got it last fall.
I’m pretty sure “vegan sausage” comes wrapped in tranny’s underpants.
I’m just waiting for when the people pimping “vegan leather” polyurethane run into the Anti-Oil activists.
It should be a Muslims vs. LGBT kind of moment.
You don’t have enough popcorn and beverages for that show.
🙂
text
Dear Mr. Perry,
That sucks.
That’s not fit for a dog…