“WHERE ALL THE LIBERALS ARE ABOVE AVERAGE”

Garrulous Keister is a pretty funny guy…until he starts writing about politics. Then loses all his famous fallen-away Lutheran charm and insight upon human nature, to become just another turgid and dreary Leftie scold. It’s like Al Gore at a Methane Reduction convention with an inconvenient case of industrial-strength flatulence; he’s got a forced smile on his face, yet no one is laughing. Except the delegates from Nitrous Oxide. But they’re always laughing.

Garrulous is not a deep thinker, (and I know ‘cos I’m not one, too!) but it is marginally worth examining his column for our own edification. That’s a big word taken from the Latin phrase “Eddie Haskell Emptor”. Eddie was of course famous for saying things like “That’s a lovely dress you’re wearing today, Mrs. Cleaver. You, too, Mr. Keillor.” Thank you, Eddie.

Anyway, let’s begin the bemoaning by bewailing the

“high-flyers in shirts like cheap wallpaper who never learned enough to let it discourage them from believing that they had magical powers over the laws of economics and could hand out mortgages to people with no assets and somehow the sun would come out tomorrow. The anti-regulation conservatives enabled those people. We’re still waiting for an apology.”

And you’ll be waiting a long time. It was Obama and ACORN who led the charge to force banks to make bad loans. Yes, wheeler-dealers looked for advantage, too–but only after politicians had repealed the laws of Economic Gravity. Socialized Mortgages don’t work any better than Socialized Medicine.

And for the record, when “anti-regulation conservatives” proposed regulating Fannie & Freddie, Obama and friends filibustered the effort because a.) they had already regulated those institutions into making bad loans in the name of social justice, and b.) they were looting those institutions like they were Brinks trucks going down the interstate with their back doors open.

And now here comes the U.S. Supreme Court, about to rule in the case of a little plywood cross erected, as it turns out, on federal land in the Mojave Desert as a memorial to the war dead — could there be anything less pressing right now? But we shall have great legal minds wrangling over something that doesn’t make a dime’s worth of difference to anybody whomsoever.

It made a dime’s worth of difference to the militant atheists who filed the case. Why? Because they hope to use this small case to inflict a large result, by crow-barring their radical views of their Fictional Constitution on an unwilling and unconsenting public. And the same is true of all the other divisive social issues Keister mentions.

Conservatives and liberals can agree on the basics — that the nation wallows in debt,

And liberals want to expand that debt far beyond anything ever seen in this country’s history–or even the world’s.

that it is shortsighted of the states to cut back on the most essential work of government which is the education of the young

Then why is the president denying other children the same private school choice his daughters receive? A: for the benefit of the grown-ups who run the schools, not for “the young”.

And why does the president have an Education Czar who thinks his job is “Queering Elementary Education” and thinks that public schools exist as a kind of E-Harmony Dating Service for NAMBLA? If parents wanted their children sodomized, they’d let Roman Polanski baby-sit. They send their kids to school to be educated, not seduced or indoctrinated.

When an entire major party has excused itself from meaningful debate

you mean “has been excluded by the alleged Champions of Inclusion”

and a thoughtful U.S. senator like Orrin Hatch no longer finds it important to make sense

Okay–I’ll give you that one.

and an up-and-comer like Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty attacks the president for giving a speech telling schoolchildren to work hard in school and get good grades,

or else Maximum Leader will creep into their dreams at night! And cancel Christmas!

one starts to wonder if the country wouldn’t be better off without them and if Republicans should be cut out of the health-care system entirely and simply provided with aspirin and hand sanitizer.

Okay–but I want my sanitizer on the rocks in a dirty glass–and could I have one of those little Boat Drink umbrellas, too? Love those things. Garrulous is starting to sound like a reverse image of that wack-job congressman who says Republicans want everybody dead.

Thirty-two percent of the population identifies with the GOP, and if we cut off health care to them, we could probably pay off the deficit in short order.

Well, I appreciate the Death Wish, pal, but…

#1.) A majority of Americans oppose this plan. If Republicans are only 32%, then the opposition contains a large number of Independents and Democrats, too.
#2.) “Cutting off health care to pay off the deficit” is the EXACT REASON so many people are opposed to this! You might not want to mention that again.
#3.) Stalin also cut off health care to political opponents! One day, Dr. Zhivago was making house calls; the next, he was Woebegone.
#4.) If Republicans aren’t around to go to work and pay the bills, you’re going to have a hard time paying off any deficits, especially President Casino’s Gamblings with Our Future.
#5.) Even 32% of Americans are still entitled to participate in shaping their own destiny…with or without Keister’s consent!

It’s time to dump the dead-end issues that have wasted too much time already.

Ah; the old “Historical Inevitability”–tell it to Marx.

Old men shouldn’t be allowed to doze off at the switch and muck up the works for the young who will have to repair the damage.

Tell it to the Education Unions.

Get over yourselves.

Tell it to the president.

Your replacements have arrived, and you should think about them now and then.

Tell it to Planned Parenthood.

Enough with the shrieking.

Tell it to Madame “Shrieker” Pelosi.

Pass health-care reform.

Reform? Sure. Control? Never. Not even if Pastor Ingqvist’s preaches a sermon for it over at the old Norweigian Seafarer’s Chapel out of his worn leather bound copy of “95 Theses”…for which he is promptly sued by a kindly group of elderly Swedish atheists.

Must be Republicans.