At long, long last, a candidate I can get behind with all my heart, soul, mind, spirit, and body, to my last ounce of strength.
Sometimes the right person emerges. When we needed a person to see us through the War for Independence and to serve as this new nation’s first president, Washington emerged. When Britain found itself fighting for its life against Nazi Germany, Churchill emerged. When our country was tearing itself apart over the slavery question, Lincoln emerged.
And now, in our troubled times, David ‘Iowahawk’ Burge has emerged.
Man, has he ever. And how.
Qualifications:
-Natural born US citizen over the age of 35
-GED from Woodbury County Youth Correctional
-No felony convictions upheld on appeal
-knows/aware of/remembers things— David Burge (@iowahawkblog)
Platform:
-Will work at home from Zoom, White House now a tourist trap & gift shop
-No photo ops, in fact you will never know what I look like
-No Executive Orders ever
-Will veto every fucking bill that Congress sends me, get a 2/3 majority assholes
-Will cheerfully leave…— David Burge (@iowahawkblog)
The above infuriatingly-truncated “Read more” passage ends thusly: “…leave office after four years.” Which is of course a baldfaced lie, or so we must hope; President-for-Life the Right Hon Mr David NMI Burge would be totally jake with me, I gots no objection, although YMMV. If so, please keep it on the down-low, I really don’t wanna know. It would pain me no end to see any of my beloved CF Lifers permanently beclown himself by publicly confessing to such disgraceful Wrongthink as that.
At any rate, the laff-train keeps a-rolling all night long from there:
-Golf handicap: I have never been on a golf course that didn’t have windmills and fiberglass clowns, otherwise I find the game is a stupid waste of time
-vigor: I can still dunk a nerf hoop
-mental acuity: read my TL dumbass
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog)
Lots, lots more after that one, every last syllable likewise meeting or surpassing the impossibly-high IowahawkCorp© standards for Beverage-Spewing Hilarity, Aggravated GutBustery w/HowlinglyFunny cluster, and/or RightdafuckON, Muhfuhgr! we’ve all come to expect from that crazy-ass fool.
FULL DISCLOSURE OF UNACCEPTABLE JOURNALISMIC BIAS: I’ve been good buds with the legendary David Burge (FACT CHECK: NOT his real name, nor is “Iowahawk,” astonishingly enough) for quite a few years, although over the last several we’ve fallen out of touch, to my boundless regret and ensorrowment.
Dave, if you happen across this, my phone # has changed since we last talked, so do please kite me one of them newfangled electronic-mail thingamabobbers instead (mike-at-cf-dot-etc) when you get a spare minute, wouldja? I realize you’re a busy, busy beaver and all, but I’d truly admire to hear from ya, old friend, it’s been way too long. Hope this missive finds you still fightin’ fit, happy as some clams, and generally doing well—seeing’s how “doing good” sorta cuts against your usual warp and woof and so would feel pretty dang weird, probably for both of us.
Best wishes for fair winds and following seas on your write-in White House run; we could certainly do worse for a Prez-mo-dent, MUCH worse, and likely will. Gaia knows we have, more than just once, twice, or thrice at that.
And to think, the Beltway (Butt)Bandits consider Trump an outsider.
T’would serve those never-to-be-sufficiently-damned Swamp-rats right, sayeth moi.
We need a leader who can identify vintage American steel for us!