Listening in on some private conversations – about a few completely random and unrelated non-events that never really happened – via tin-foil hat wireless receiver here:

from a palatial suite at the Riyadh Ritz-Carlton, 1500 UTC, 11 September 01
transcript source: wall-embedded electronic surveillance device
speaking: Osama bin Laden (O), Saddam Hussein (S)
O: Holy shit! It worked! Allahu Akhbar!
S: Got those running dog infidels good this time, eh, Osama?
O: Indeed yes. Now if you can get those nuclear/anthrax combo Sharia Slammer bombs working, we can really start to take the Great Satan down once and for all!
S: Oh crap, let me get back to you on that. France and Germany are selling us the parts we need under the table, of course, and our fine Iraqi science community will hold up their end as long as I keep julienning a few of them once in a while, but right now I’ve got Khofi Annan on the other line here – again. What a whining pain in the keister that punk-ass bitch is sometimes. Easily dealt with, but a pain. And that nut from NK is supposed to be calling in a little while too. I’ll call you back.
(transmission ends)

from a cave in the Tora Bora mountains, December 01
transcript source: intercepted satellite transmission of cellular telephone call
speaking: Osama bin Laden (O), Mullah Muhammad Omar (M)
O: Holy shit! That was close! Had to be one of those stinking infidel MOAB’s, from the way the walls are shaking….
M: Are you well, O mighty caliph?
O: Yes, shaheed. My stump from the November attack usually aches in weather like this, and after that last blast I can’t find the glass eye I got as a result of last week’s bunker-buster shrapnel, but everything is otherwise fine. We have the imperialist infidels on the run, and the brutal Afghan winter should help greatly in finishing them off. Be sure to call Saddam and press him on the – uhh, merchandise we discussed, will you? Allahu Akhbar!
(loud concussive noise, followed by static; transmission ends)

from the Presidential Palace, Baghdad, March 03
transcript source: intercepted satellite transmission of cellular telephone call
speaking: Saddam Hussein (S), Moammar Qaddafi (M)
S: No, Moammar, I’m not worried about the Americans at all. I know after they bombed that tent of yours back in ‘86 you were kind of rattled, but believe me, after seeing the weak Americans obviously convinced that lobbing occasional missiles at empty factories was an effective response to acts of war sponsored by nation-states and carried out by proxy, I didn’t worry about them anymore. The UN? You must be joking. Hans Blix couldn’t find his ass with both hands and a compass, much less any WMD programs; and Khofi Annan thinks that he can hold off the Bush imperialists for at least another year, as long as France and Germany continue to work with us and don’t cave. By then the Allah Almighty Sharia Slammer bomb will be a reality, and one the Zionists will just have to deal with – unless they want one delivered right up their flue by the Jihad Special Messenger Service. And the French and Germans won’t dare cave; we’re into ‘em for way too much money, and they’re way more frightened by cowboys in Washington than they ever will be of us. Really, there’s no cause for alarm over any Yankee saber-rattling; I’ve been here before, remember? The project will continue, and the rest of us are going to expect you to bear up under any pressure you might receive. Yeah, that Axis of Evil thing was pretty funny, wasn’t it?Pas de sweat, Moammar – you’ve just got to remember that the Americans don’t believe in evil anymore. It’ll all be okay, trust me on this. Yeah, talk to you later.
(transmission ends)

from a US Army dentist’s office, undisclosed location
transcript source: official US Army videotape
speaking: unidentified Army dentist (D), Saddam Hussein (S)
D: Okay, former President Hussein, could you open a little wider please? That’s a good fella, thanks.
S: Dammit.

from Number 10 Downing Street, London, 0300 UTC, 15 December 03
transcript source: official recording from telephone surveillance device on encrypted residence phone
speaking: Prime Minister Tony Blair (B), Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi (M)
B: Moammar, do you know what time it is here? You what? You’ve been watching television all day, and….wait a minute, Moammar, you’re talking too fast – I can’t understand….yes, Saddam did look a bit rough, didn’t he? Well, sure, we’d love to work with you on the WMDs, always did hope to, you know. Yes, George is a bit impatient these days, but you have to understand that he….of course I’ll call Washington right away, Moammar, don’t worry. Moammar, I’m sure those aren’t Apache helicopters you’re hearing, it’s just the wind or something. You’re being paranoid, Moammar. Yes, I’d know about it if he did. I’ll talk to him right away. Moammar, you simply must stop weeping and get a grip on yourself, okay? Yes, I know you’re sorry. I’ll tell him; sure. Ta-ta now. (Blair terminates connection, snickers)

Please do remember that none of the entirely random events discussed above are in any way related, okay?