“I will never rush the solemn decision of…hand me the 5-iron, would you?”
AN ADDRESS TO THE TROOPS, GOOD SPORTS THAT THEY ARE
I will never rush the solemn decision of sending you into harm’s way…or of sending you reinforcements once you’ve already been sent.
Nor will I rush through the sandtraps to send more equipment even though I’ve consistently said we must win this war. I shall not be hurried through the water hazards to have more helicopters; I will not–no, must not fly through my fairway game to approve more F-22s. That is my pledge to you.
And when I’m attending our weekly parties at the White House with big-name artists, and I’m salsa-dancing like Tom Delay on a Cialis/benzedrine bender, I shall never end the party early, merely to study the briefing books.
And I owe it to the soldiers, sailors and airmen of America not to hurry my half-court press or subtract even one letter from a friendly game of HORSE when I’m shooting hoops with my homies; you see, it just looks like I’m playing basketball. In reality, this is how I plot tactics and troop movements in a fluid and complex battle environment. This is also true of my strategic tennis game and my multi-lateral mountain biking. Don’t thank me–you’re welcome!
In closing, let me say that I have reached a decision; I will force Augusta to let women play in the Masters like Pinch obsesses about, as long as you don’t make me play golf with a bunch of girls.
Thank you, and God bless the Emperor’s new putting game.”
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