“You may call me selfish if you will, conservative or reactionary, or use any other harsh adjective you see fit to apply, but an American I was born, an American I have remained all my life. I can never be anything else but an American, and I must think of the United States first, and when I think of the United States first in an arrangement like this I am thinking of what is best for the world, for if the United States fails, the best hopes of mankind fail with it.”–Senate Majority Leader Henry Cabot Lodge, Aug. 12, 1919

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME…

What do UN UN you think about me?

It is my honor to address you for the first time as the 44th President of the United States. (Applause.) I come before you humbled by the responsibility that the American people have placed upon me, mindful of the enormous challenges of our moment in history, and determined to act boldly and collectively on behalf of justice and prosperity at home and abroad. I have been in office for just nine months — though some days it seems a lot longer. I am well aware of the expectations that accompany my presidency around the world.

Me, me me, me, me, me, you, me, me, me, me, me, me… I take it back. We need Government Health Care; it’s the only kind big enough to treat this level of megalomania.

I took office at a time when many around the world had come to view America with skepticism and distrust.

“…And if they didn’t, I kept explaining it to them until they did.”

America has acted unilaterally, without regard for the interests of others.

Only 33 seconds to issue his first apology for America–a new land speed record!

On my first day in office, I prohibited — without exception or equivocation — the use of torture by the United States of America. (Applause.) I ordered the prison at Guantanamo Bay closed, and we are doing the hard work of forging a framework to combat extremism within the rule of law.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, Bush, me, me, me, Terrorists Rights Movement, me, me, me…

In Iraq, we are responsibly ending a war.

No, as Janitor-in-Chief, you are merely sweeping up after better men have already won the victory.

I have outlined a comprehensive agenda to seek the goal of a world without nuclear weapons.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, BOOM!, me, me, me…

Upon taking office, I appointed a Special Envoy for Middle East Peace

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, Hurry up!, me, me, me…

We’ve also re-engaged the United Nations. We have paid our bills. We have joined the Human Rights Council.

“…lending our moral credibility to the Human Rights abusers who run it.”

We have signed the Convention of the Rights of Persons with Disabilities. We have fully embraced the Millennium Development Goals.

I’m afraid to even Google it.

Now, if we are honest with ourselves,

You needn’t worry.

No one nation can or should try to dominate another nation.

In the original Farsi: “Enjoy those shiny new nukes, Iran!”

We must remember that the greatest price of this conflict is not paid by us. …It’s paid for by the Palestinian boy in Gaza who has no clean water and no country to call his own.

He has no country because Arafat wanted blood, not land. Because we coddled Arafat. Because Arafat stole all the money. And because the UN stuck the kid in a refugee camp making him a “CITIZEN OF THE WORLD”. Just like a public toilet belongs to “The World”– it turns what should have been a brief problem into a Permanent Toxic Waste Site.

The danger posed by climate change cannot be denied.

I deny it. See–it’s easy!

I believe that the people of the world want this future for their children.

I also believe the children are our are future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. And keep them the hell away from the UN, which is the geopolitical equivalent of Bobby Brown’s crack crib.

Sixty-five years ago, a weary Franklin Roosevelt spoke to the American people in his fourth and final inaugural address. …”We have learned,” he said, “to be citizens of the world, members of the human community.”

And ninety-nine years ago, a vigorous Teddy Roosevelt spoke this:

“Experience teaches us that the average man who protests that his international feeling swamps his national feeling, that he does not care for his country because he cares so much for mankind, in actual practice proves himself the foe of mankind; that the man who says that he does not care to be a citizen of any one country, because he is the citizen of the world, is in fact usually and exceedingly undesirable citizen of whatever corner of the world he happens at the moment to be in.”

I’ll take Teddy over Franklin–especially with over a half century of seeing the UN in “action”.

We call on all nations to join us in building the future that our people so richly deserve.

“our people”, o, King of the World? How come when liberals talk about America, it’s the “peoples” of America–but when they talk about the world, it’s “people”?

And remember; if we all work together, this will be the best yearbook ever! Goodnight, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are! Miami Beach audiences are the best audiences in the world! Hey…who’s been messin’ with my teleprompter?

Guilty.