{"id":13644,"date":"2023-08-20T21:20:32","date_gmt":"2023-08-21T01:20:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/coldfury.com\/?p=13644"},"modified":"2023-08-20T21:26:53","modified_gmt":"2023-08-21T01:26:53","slug":"vegan-sausage-wtf","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/coldfury.com\/wp\/vegan-sausage-wtf\/","title":{"rendered":"Vegan sausage? WTF!!!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Some people just can\u2019t deal with being at the top of the food chain. Tough noogies for them<\/a>, sez I.<\/p>\n

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The time has finally come when your intrepid food and cooking guru finally puts his money where his mouth is and tries those horrid, soul-killing, culture-destroying, taste-obliterating, post-modern monstrosities that are fake meat.<\/p>\n

“Made From Plants.”<\/strong> That’s the full description of this “food,\u201d (ie, Impossible\u2122 breakfast sausage\u2014M<\/em>) which looked very much like some crap breakfast sausage that had been overcooked and was now rather dry and tough. “Made from plants?” So is steak and pork chops, and I don’t crow about it! But right next door was turkey sausage, which is also an abomination unto the Lord, so what did I have to lose?<\/p>\n

A lot! My soul for one. My rapidly diminishing faith in Mankind for another. And more importantly, there was actual real bacon within arm’s reach!<\/p>\n

Yeah…I chickened out. Maybe next time.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Heh. I see what you just did there, CBD, and I like it.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s always struck me as hilarious about all these \u201cvegan\u201d products is how their manufacturers always desperately (and deceptively) try to market them as almost exactly like<\/em> bacon, hot dogs, ground beef, sausage, etc<\/em>. If vegans want to eat meat so badly as all that, maybe they ought to just nut the fuck up and, y\u2019know, eat some fucking meat<\/em> then, instead of ceaselessly trying to convince themselves, you, me, and everyone else within arm\u2019s reach that no, really, that flavorless, disgusting-looking, dried-out Not Dog<\/a> or Fakin\u2019 Bacon<\/a> or whatthefuckever<\/a> is just as good as the real thing.<\/p>\n

Well, no, actually, it isn\u2019t. Not even close. “Vegan alternatives\u201d are usually overpriced, soy-rife, nutrition-bereft chemical compounds engineered and grown by scientists in a chem lab someplace. Do I like vegetables? Of course I do. But most of those Frankenmeats have precious few real vegetables in \u2018em. Might not leave room for all that tofu, unnerstand.<\/p>\n

Add in the cost of the family-size jugs of Beano<\/a> you\u2019ll have to buy and gulp down in handfuls to cope with the extraordinary bouts of ass-ripping flatulence those \u201cvegan alternatives\u201d bring on, plus the pallet-loads of Kaopectate<\/a> to help you deal with the constant drizzling shits you\u2019ll also be plagued by, and pretty soon that \u201chealthy\u201d alternative to real meat is going to put a serious dent in your bank account.<\/p>\n

But hey, if it allows the vegan to feel all smug and superior to those barbaric, unevolved omnivores, then it\u2019s a bargain at any price, amIright? Oh, and since I backhandedly mentioned evolution just now, wonder how those \u201cenlightened” vegans explain away the fact that humans are equipped with molars, canines, and incisor teeth, hm?<\/p>\n

All in all, I\u2019m firmly and forevermore in my old friend Horton Heat\u2019s corner on all this.<\/p>\n