{"id":71,"date":"2020-01-12T02:56:27","date_gmt":"2020-01-12T02:56:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/coldfury.com\/?page_id=71"},"modified":"2025-07-28T19:59:14","modified_gmt":"2025-07-28T23:59:14","slug":"icc-and-the-dark-lord","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/coldfury.com\/wp\/greatest-hits\/icc-and-the-dark-lord\/","title":{"rendered":"ICC and the Dark Lord"},"content":{"rendered":"\r\n

Frodo Lives!<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

From The Guardian (ahem):<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Frodo Baggins Charged With War Crimes<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Frodo Baggins of Bagshot Row, Hobbiton, The Shire, Middle Earth, has been called before the International Criminal Court to answer charges of war crimes brought by Sauron the Dark Lord and Saruman the White in a joint filing.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Baggins refused comment on the matter from his home at Bag End, simply moaning and holding his head. But his former valet and gardener (now mayor of Hobbiton) Samwise Gamgee spoke with reporters from his \u201cbit of garden,\u201d saying that \u201cyou people ought to know better, coming here bothering my master and trampling my taters and all. This is just about the dumbest thing I\u2019ve heard of since Master Merry and Master Pippin started up that Broadway show of theirs. That didn\u2019t work out so well, either, but all\u2019s well as ends better, as my Gaffer used to say.\u201d Gamgee was referring to the spectacular failure of \u201cMount Doom \u2013 the Musical,\u201d which debuted on Broadway last year and closed the same night, bankrupting its producers and principal investors Meriadoc Brandybuck of Buckland and Peregrine Took of the Tookland, both in the Shire.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

The charges brought by Sauron and Saruman are serious and were commented on at length by the Dark Lord himself at a press conference held after he delivered the formal papers to the Court. As a full signatory to the Court\u2019s original charter, Sauron is legally entitled to bring charges before the Court, and the Court\u2019s decision will be binding on Mr. Baggins, per the charter establishing the authority of the Court over the entire world, whether the particular defendant lives in a member country or not. The Shire has repeatedly refused to ratify a proposal to join the Court; the proposal has languished in the legislature, bogged down by stalling tactics employed by right-wing and unilateralist legislators intent on blocking it. Gondor and Rohan have likewise not joined the ICC, for similar obstructionist reasons.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

\u201cMr.Baggins is guilty of some of the most egregious violations of International Law as expressed in the Court\u2019s founding documents and must be brought to answer for his inhumane actions,\u201d Sauron said from the cardboard box behind the Emyn Muil 7-11 he\u2019s been living in since the scandalous and irresponsible destruction of Sauron\u2019s Ruling Ring brought about the downfall of his Empire several years ago. \u201cHe\u2019s obviously guilty of violating several provisions of Article 8, Section 2, especially the \u2018outrage against personal dignity\u2019 clause and the \u2018excessive incidental death, injury or damage\u2019 clause. When the armies of the Western Alliance marched up to the Black Gate, they were guilty of making illegal aggressive war against a sovereign nation. Our legal team plans to bring separate suits against Aragorn son of Arathorn, the Elfstone King Elessar of Gondor. Also King Eomer of the Riddermark and Elrond Halfelven of Rivendell. But we chose to pursue the suit against Baggins first, since his was the most damaging and egregious crime.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Baggins was responsible for casting the Ring of Power (otherwise known as the One Ring or simply the One) into the fires of Mount Orodruin in Mordor (\u201cWhere The Shadows Lie!\u201d according to the Mordor Tourism Board), thereby destroying both the Ring and Sauron\u2019s long-standing hope to bring heretofore fractious and inefficient Middle Earth under the central political control of the Dark Tower. Without the Ring, Sauron\u2019s legions (defensive in nature and made necessary by the Lords of the West\u2019s aggression, according to Barad-Dur spokesmen) of orcs, wolves, trolls, and \u201cevil\u201d Men lost the will to fight and became helpless in the face of the armies of the West. Millions were slaughtered as a direct and immediate consequence of the destruction of the Ring.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Saruman had his own comments on the charges. \u201cThe swaggering little cock-a-whoops cast me out, forcing me to live as a beggar wandering through the wilderness of Middle Earth. They brought their own house to ruin when they destroyed mine, and someone has to pay for it,\u201d said Saruman, formerly known for his sartorial finesse but now dressed only in torn, filthy rags. Saruman is demanding the right of return to his former home at Orthanc in Isengard, which has been occupied since the so-called \u201cWar of the Ring\u201d by Ents, Elves, and other folk.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Both Sauron and Saruman claim that their persecution by Baggins and the Lords of the West is based on their religious beliefs, also clearly in violation of Article 8. With the wanton destruction of the One Ring, Baggins also directly and callously murdered every one of the high priests of the Dark Lord\u2019s religious order, known collectively as the Nazgul. Saruman said that the destruction of the pits and forges of Isengard, where he had genetically-engineered his Fighting Uruk-Hai breed of half-orcs, half-men, was done in blatant disregard for the religious rights of an indigenous people. \u201cAll my Uruks wanted was the basic human right to practice their religion and to live with their neighbors in peace,\u201d said Saruman. \u201cBut they were forcibly removed from their homes and slaughtered like cattle by the Riders of Rohan. It was, well, completely inhuman.\u201d Saruman then broke down in a touching display of emotion and was tended to by his servant Wormtongue. He refused any further comment.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Baggins was defended in a public statement released by Gandalf the Grey, a well-known right-wing wizard and co-conspirator of Baggins himself. \u201cFrodo made Middle-Earth safe for democracy and now this is how he\u2019s repaid \u2013 by facing imprisonment because of a suit brought by the very enemies of freedom! The world\u2019s press is only humiliating themselves by siding with the Servants of the Lidless Eye on this. They have left the path of wisdom.\u201d Gandalf\u2019s statement was published in the National Review and certain fascist online journals, known as \u201cwarblogs\u201d to their purveyors and media watchdog groups. The New York Times, Washington Post, San Francisco Chronicle, and most other mainstream newspapers refused to publish the statement, calling it \u201cbiased and self-serving propaganda from a known cohort of Mr. Baggins.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

The suit was hailed as a major step forward in the re-establishment of the authority of international law by progressives throughout the world. Trillions of supporters of the suit gathered on the White House lawn (photo HERE)<\/a> in the United States this week to express their approval for the suit, and to protest the American cowboy government\u2019s refusal to recognize the legitimacy of any international deliberative body in even the most weakend and watered-down form. Several American lawyers, including Johnny Cochran, Alan Dershowitz, and Bob Bennett, immediately expressed their intention to assist the Lord of Barad-Dur in his attempt to bring Baggins and the others to justice.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Elrond Halfelven, when asked to comment on the matter, said merely, \u201cF**k this, I\u2019m outta here,\u201d apparently declaring his intention to seek political refuge in the Uttermost West beyond the Sundering Seas.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Baggins will be taken into custody sometime this week to await trial.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n

Update!<\/em> In an expression of support for the Dark Lord, demonstrators in France have burned three synagogues to the ground.<\/p>\r\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Frodo Lives! From The Guardian (ahem): Frodo Baggins Charged With War Crimes Frodo Baggins of Bagshot Row, Hobbiton, The Shire, Middle Earth, has been called before the International Criminal Court to answer charges of war crimes brought by Sauron the Dark Lord and Saruman the…<\/p>\n

Would you like to know more? ICC and the Dark Lord<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":67,"menu_order":1,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-71","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/coldfury.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/71","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/coldfury.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/coldfury.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/coldfury.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/coldfury.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=71"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/coldfury.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/71\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":72,"href":"https:\/\/coldfury.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/71\/revisions\/72"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/coldfury.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/67"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/coldfury.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=71"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}