Schlichter runs down the problems that afflict us, not one punch pulled.

There’s this thing called multitasking and we GOP voters expect the Republicans to try it out. Democrats? Nah, because we expect nothing from Democrats. But the Dems are good at multi-tasking. Even as they pretend to be butch about Ukraine – such fakery is rivaled only by the bride’s performance on a Bulwark staffer’s wedding night – they simultaneously embrace such initiatives as schoolhouse kiddie grooming and women’s sports champions who are dudes. They can focus on more than just Ukraine. Of course, we actually expect nothing from Republicans either, but at least with them we normals have a chance to influence their behavior, even if only by threatening them with a primary by someone based who will drag them back to America from their DC estates and make them campaign amongst the unwashed.

There are a lot of miserable things going on here at home in addition to the Disney-approved kindergarten perversion propaganda and girl athletes who are boys crises. We have an elite treating the idea of free speech like Bill Clinton treated his wedding vows, gas prices higher than Cheech & Chong hanging at Seth Rogan’s place, and a border that is open wider than Ana Navarro’s pie-hole at Golden Corral’s Endless Fountain of Ham. We have a potential Supreme Court justice who thinks kiddie porn pervs should get a slap on the wrist and an election system that is a slap in the face to democracy. Burger is $7 a pound and Jussie Smollett is free – and don’t be surprised if his double jeopardy argument works on appeal! 

Yeah, there are a lot of bad things going on here in the US of A thanks to that desiccated old pervert in the White House, but we’re not hearing enough about them from Republican poobahs. We are hearing a lot about Ukraine though. It’s an important issue, but we’re approaching a month of war and the tough Ukes have not given in yet. The nimrods pulling Biden’s puppet strings are still slow-walking the delivery of anti-tank missiles, which is bad. Reports say that they are refusing to give over real-time intel to the Ukrainians, lest the plucky defenders use it to target Russian units, which would seem to be the point. The MiG thing is still a thing, though it’s kind of useless in the sense that a couple of dozen Bad News Bears jets from the 80s are essentially irrelevant. So yeah, there’s stuff to be upset about regarding Ukraine. Biden’s as good a commander-in-chief as he is a father, and we need to be all over him so our military doesn’t continue to figuratively impregnate strippers even as our State Department, more or less figuratively, does blow off a foreign hooker’s fourth point of contact.

But Ukraine’s not the only thing going on. Republicans, you need to talk about other things, like the things I listed above. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. Because, here’s the thing. Our voters generally like the Ukrainians and admire such things as their toughness, patriotism, and their innovative program of handing assault rifles out to citizens. But we are getting beaten to a pulp here at home. Every Third Worlder with a bindle and a dream is hiking to the border. Hobos litter our streets with used hobo dinners. Criminals run rampant, and it just cost me 100 bucks to fill up my sedan. Look, we care about Ukraine in the sense that we wish bad things were not happening on the other side of the globe, and many of us are willing to kick in the bucks to buy some rockets to pop the top on a battalion of uninvited T-80s. But Republican congress-creatures, we’re hurting, and we keep seeing many of the biggest names in DC on TV talking about sending our kids to fight the Ukrainian’s war by prattling on about “no-fly” zones as if that is somehow merely putting Putin in time-out and not the first shot in a hot war with a crazy/stupid/evil guy with more hot rocks than Kamala has shady ex-boyfriends.

Schlichter is a skilled enough writer to wring some laughter from a buttload of painful, depressing topics. But in the end, he’s got it right: a country as fucked up and out of order as this one has become should leave off all meddling in the affairs of other nations straightaway, to concentrate exclusively on getting its own shit straightened out. Every American, be he elected official, bureau-rat, or ordinary citizen needs to admit to himself that this country is not in any condition to carry on acting as World Policeman. Actually, standing astride the Earth like some God-like colossus, throwing our weight around and lording it over the entire world, was probably a mistake to begin with. Certainly the Founders strongly and unequivocally advised against it, and their advice was always worth heeding.

The US is a decaying, dysfunctional husk in desperate need of restoration and repair; we should withdraw our nose from the business of others and get to it. Let Ukraine, Europe, and all the others deal with their own problems. We have too many of our own to be elbowing in on theirs, no matter how hard certain misguided people here push exactly that, no matter how many other nations insist we do it. We have enemies aplenty within our own borders, enough and to spare; there’s no need to go looking in faraway places for them, and precious little support—outside the salons of the self-styled “elite,” natch—for going around doing it.