Cold Fury

Harshing your mellow since 9/01

The Horror!

So, now Bush has nominated a murderous right wing extremist, a plain Nazi, for the Supreme Court. This guy Alito is clearly insane, favoring as he does a return to slavery, legalized wife-beating, new laws requiring that the US attack any and all available impoverished Third World nations militarily, and of course he wants to make early-term abortion of Democrat fetuses mandatory. He’s against the right to vote, and also favors immediate chemical weapons attacks on the inner cities. Apparently he also favors abolishing grocery store chains to promote the Bushitler’s Urban Starvation program, and turning the entire US Government as we know it over to WalMart to use as they see fit. He wants to kill every Negro, Asian, and Muslim in the world, and is adamantly opposed to the tradition of exchanging gifts on Christmas. He wants to see birthday cake abolished, and does not support Americans’ right to drive cars. He supports Rumsfeld’s proposed Universal Domestic Torture initiative.

If Alito is confirmed, we can surely expect to see the end of human freedom and the advent of gulags and re-education camps; all wages, salaries, and other income will be seized for use in the Rethugnicans’ Kill The Poor program, and all private property will be legally turned over to Exxon immediately. There will be automatic weapons in every American living room. We will all be forced to wear ugly, rumpled grey tunics as we’re marched off to the Reagan Memorial National Extermination Centers, and our children will be forced to sing Jesus Loves Me This I Know as they cook our intestines over fires stoked by the torn remnants of our cancer-riddled flesh.

The rivers will be choked with pollution composed mostly of the blood of the Noble Poor, but it won’t matter because the water will be undrinkable anyway, due to the Bush-mandated increase in arsenic levels. The air will be unbreathable due to the smoke from the crematoriums. The sun will flicker and die out, and the Earth itself will cease its axial rotation, thereby rending our world asunder via tectonic forces even as it freezes into a cold, blighted, lifeless ball of Hell. Ultimate Conservative Darkness will finally blot out all light and joy all over the globe, speeding its accursed gloom worldwide on the black and stinking batwings of Republican Death. And the carrion foul will harshly croak the name of the unholy Beast, gleeful and insolent, around mouthfuls of the flesh of the innocent dead: ALITO!

Plus, he’s white, and a “he.” That alone should have disqualified him right there. Or so you would think, anyway, if you were at all inclined to listen to the shrieking of the gender-based-discrimination-supporting bloviators Jeff rounded up. Fortunately, most Americans aren’t.

The battle is about to be joined at last. The Left is waxing hysterical over this one; they’re utterly terrified, and they should be, because they just might see decades of court-ordered collectivism and mandatory political correctness undone with a shift in the balance of the USSC. And they know deep down that there’s not one damned thing they can do about it.

Sweet, ain’t it?

Update! Still no sign of Bush and his entire criminal cabal resigning over the egregious and illegal outing of CIA superspook Valerie Plame, although we expect the announcement momentarily. Plame, you may recall, is the intrepid and über-secret CIA agent probably best known for singlehandedly demolishing the Berlin Wall. She was also profiled admiringly in Vanity Fair magazine a while back, no doubt as one of her many important covert activities. She is the wife of Lyin’ Joe Wilson, a famous and well-respected bridge fourth.

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20 thoughts on “The Horror!

  1. Well, they could try to win an election or two. That’s always a possibility, although I know it’s not really the preferred method of implementing social policy…

  2. Does it ever get boring writing these straw man rants?

    I suppose all of us could beat up on parodies of our opponents’ arguments but it might actually take work to research and then counter their true objections.

    Whatever- I suppose it’s cheaper than cable tv…

  3. Okay, Preston, have it your way: just to address a couple of the “concerns” expressed by the writers of the linked pieces:

    It sure is odd to see the supporters of affirmative action — ie, state-mandated race-based discrimination — wax apoplectic over someone allegedly supporting “race-based discrimination.” But hey, what do I know.

    Wanna talk “straw man”? Well, you’ll need to talk to the masters of the straw man argument, most of whom can be seen if you direct your gaze over to the left. Or does Hate-rios’s overblown and misleading statement that “I certainly don’t have any sympathy for those who think that your legal spouse has part ownership of your uterus” not seem to qualify for you?

    Or perhaps the ever-reasonable Amanda Marcotte might be more deserving of your ire for setting up a straw man, with her meticulously-researched and thoughtful bit about “the Platonic conservative ideal of an all-male court.” Does that suit you a little better?

    Or perhaps it’s my unjust parodying of Lefty hysteria that’s bothering you? I admit, Pam Spaulding probably wasn’t literally frothing at the mouth when she said, “The Chimp bowed down at the altar of Dobson, Bauer, Schlafly,” and proceeded to call them all the American Taliban. I probably shouldn’t exaggerate that way, I admit.

    And I confess, the notion that “This nomination does not reflect at all well on American progress towards the eradication of gender discrimination,” when uttered by someone who prefaces it with a declaration of “astonishment” that Bush dared to nominate someone without first considering that O’Connor’s seat is now apparently “supposed” to go to a woman regardless of qualification because…well, just because, is probably a bit too nuanced for a Neanderthal parodist like myself.

    In other words: Lefty, heal thyself. Otherwise, you live by the hysterical straw man, you die by the hysterical straw man.

  4. Mike: There will be automatic weapons in every American living room.

    What, no ammo requirement? This is an outrage! Alito is clearly just a stealth Souter!

    Preston: I suppose all of us could beat up on parodies of our opponents’ arguments but it might actually take work to research and then counter their true objections.

    Here’s some research for ya: my most recent investigation and thorough review shows that
    no charges have been filed against Bush, Cheney, or Rove, and no indictments issued. I know in your reality-based community this means they’re guilty of … something, and should therefore be hung, and then impeached, and then executed, and then frog-marched out of the White House.

    C’mon Preston, tell us the truth. No way you typed that with a straight face, right? I mean, all your arguments are parodies, so what’s to research – Bush Liieeed?

  5. If you’re gonna be a cold-hearted, sadistic, goose-stepping, saluting, gun-brandishing, right-wing death-beast, be the best cold-hearted, sadistic, goose-stepping, saluting, gun-brandishing, right-wing death-beast you can be. None of this soft bigotry of low expectations for me, I expect a LOT of oppression from Chimpy McHalliBusHitler in his remaining years as AmeriKKKa’s selected un-elected pResident.

    Starting right now, mister.

  6. Well he does not believe in increasing the minimum wage…I would think that would be a death-threat to you guys.

  7. I don’t think I’ve ever worked for minimum wage. How bout you guys?

    Don’t bother answering, z-bitch, we know you’re still projecting your failures as a human being onto others. Have you considered looking into thinking about considering changing?

  8. No, no mimimum wage jobs here. Underemployment once (substitute teacher), but as an attorney it’s been okay.

  9. “I don’t think I’ve ever worked for minimum wage”

    Don’t worry Bowen…if you work REAL hard, you’ll get there.

  10. You made one error:

    “and is adamantly opposed to the tradition of exchanging gifts on Christmas.”

    As a Bush appointee, he clearly must be a Christian extremist — thus Christmas gift giving will actually be federally mandated. Failure to exchange gifts at Christmas will probably be punishable by imprisonment.

  11. Wow. Another “screw the little guy” Republican nominee! I can’t wait to find out if this one is a crook, or just incompetent.

    Remember, “screwing the little guy” isn’t against the law; it’s Republican political philosophy!

  12. Ghost – I think Scal-evil-ito’s preferred term is “butt raping the little bastards.” It was in his opinion in the case of “Me v. Everything,” in which he banned all abortions world wide and decreed women shall spend every day in the kitchen barefoot, pregnant, and making cookies.

  13. I wouldn’t mind being barefoot and bakin’ cookies every day. Neither would all my friends and relatives reaping the rewards (c:

  14. Fucking hell, z-null, can’t you even comprehend English?

    Don’t bother answering that, it’s a rhetorical question. Just keep reveling in your imagined personal superiority as you take trips to the restroom abroad because all fries you eat give you the shits for charity work.

  15. Strider, you make it sound like the gubmint can’t abolish the exchange of gifts on Christmas while simultaneously making it mandatory.

    Haven’t you been paying attention for the last 30 years, man? 😉

  16. Mr. Bowen,

    I just read your blog, and I don’t want to play with you any more. In addition to being absolutely predictable, and therefore no fun, you are one seriously twisted dude, and should seek professional help.

  17. Well, yes, some people on the Left certainly do get hysterical about things but some of us who are nearer the middle are gettting extremely tired of BOTH SIDES and honestly would like to have some of our concerns addressed in an honest and mature manner. I guess that’s too much to ask.

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