“The Axis of Evil-Mongers!”

August 15th, 2009


A Servicing of Manufactured News(tm) Network

***(Moosedew, Montana) Pres. Obama has embarked on a tour of the Mountain West to shore up support for his health care debacle.

“We are held hostage, at any given moment by health insurance companies that deny coverage, or drop coverage, or charge fees that people can’t afford at a time when they desperately need care,” Obama said. “Such as a $50,000 foot amputation or a gratuitous tonsillectomy.”

“However, unlike the previous administration, it is my policy to negotiate with all hostage-takers. And let me urge all bigoted Americans not to lash out in anger against the Gekko-Americans, the Good Hands Community or the Indemnified Imams practicing their Insurance of Peace,” said Obama.

“We just feel that it is much better to have the Government ration your health care than to have insurance companies ration your care,” Obama continued. “After all, if an insurance company denies you care, you can get a different company. But if your government denies you care, you can’t get a different government. We can make rationing stick. We’ve got police, courts, legislatures and bureaucracies and we can tax you, fine you, lock you up and confiscate your property in ways private companies can only dream of. We can even stop you from leaving the country because we control the borders–at least on the way out.”

***(New Hajib, Connecticut) Yale University Press has censored “The Cartoons that Shook the World“, a book on the recent controversial Danish Mohammad cartoons. Even historical images of Mohammad by famous Western artists were banned from the book.

Yale has agreed to change the book’s title to either “Allah and Man at Yale” or “The Cartoons that Shook the World and Made Us Pee Our Pants So Please Don’t Hurt Us But, Hey, Wouldn’t It Be Nice If King Abdullah Wanted to Endow a New Chair at Yale?”

***(Washington, D.C.) Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has ordered the reconstitution of HUAC, the House Un-American Activities Committee, the bane of American Communists in the 1950’s.

“I’ve always wanted to say “Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Republican Party?”,” gushed a plainly excited Pelosi. “In the old days, they foolishly thought that wanting your own country to lose the Cold War or lose in Vietnam was “un-American”,” said Pelosi “but today we know that wanting your country to lose its wars is very patriotic. However, disagreeing with me on health care is the very definition of ‘un-American’.”

“That whole “Axis of Evil”-thing was a joke,” chimed in Harry Reid, “but the Axis of Evil-Mongers is very real.”

Pelosi added that any health care bill should also cover illegal aliens, or as she calls them, “Americans”.

***(Potemkin Falls, Colorado) Barack Obama announced his latest Trillion-Dollar initiative today: Strawman Reform.

“Some opponents of reform say that the same old tired Strawmen of yesterday are up to the job. We didn’t ask for these Strawmen, but we inherited them from the previous administration. The alternative, they say, is to do nothing, just stuff a little more straw into the status quo. So let me be clear; we can’t get distracted by the special interests of Big Straw. As you know, I’ve consistently said that even though this Straw Plan will cost a trillion dollars, it will save us money in the long run through Preventative Blame. Because with the thoughts I’ve been thinkin’, I could be another Lincoln if I had someone to blame.”

***(St. Louis, Missouri) Protestor Kenny Gladney has been invited to the White House for beers.

Gladney has been asked by the White House to serve beers to the president and Henry Louis Gates, Jr. while the two of them continue their Learnable Moment Conversation about the politicized use of force directed against Mr. Gates.

***(Mnemonic, Nigeria) Blithely comparing America to a Third World hell-hole that has never had a free and fair election, Sec. of State Hillary Clinton told Nigerians that “In 2000, our presidential election came down to one state where the brother of the man running for President was the governor of the state. So we have our problems too.”

“In fact, speaking of nepotism and corruption, we once had an election in which a president pardoned a bunch of terrorists in order to gain ethnic votes for his wife’s senate race.”

Clinton’s next scheduled corrupt nepotism stop is Kenya, where Pres. Obama once campaigned for his cousin, Communist Raila Odinga, who went on a ethnic-cleansing terror spree until he was declared a winner.

Through a translator, a student also asked Sec. Clinton what Eleanor Roosevelt thought. Hillary replied that while she wouldn’t be channeling her husband despite the fact that the bastard was being hailed around the globe for his diplomatic coup in North Korea while she was stuck in this backwater with no indoor plumbing, she would be channeling Mrs. Roosevelt later.

***(Ala Mode, Texas) Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee explains why your lying eyes think she’s ignoring a voter in mid-question to talk on the phone: “It appears on the video — maybe it’s a doctored video — but how I explain it is this: First of all, I take calls from my constituents, but that was not a call that I took. I dialed the hotline number to get a better answer.”

“Also, my dog ate my homework and I was calling a pet ambulance. And speaking of “doctored”, I’ve got a plan to address the shortage of doctors; I’ll send my husband’s students to your bedside and they’ll pretend to be doctors…problem cured!

Comments appear entirely at the whim of the guy who pays the bills for this site, and may be deleted, edited, ridiculed, or otherwise pissed over as he in his capricious fancy sees fit. Thank you.
  1. Amanda
    August 16th, 2009 at 10:14 | #1
    I'm sick and I can't afford to go to the doctor. UTI. I'm trying to take care of it myself. I'd go to a doctor but... well. I make too much to qualify for medicaid and stuff like that-- I'm a 2nd year elementary school teacher and my husband is the shift manager at a fast food restaurant (10 years loyal to this company). But we don't have any extra money-- we've gone through some rough times. I won't be able to pay my bills this month if I have to spend a couple hundred on a doctor/lab. I DO have health insurance through the school. However, I can't afford the deductible. My husband isn't covered. He hasn't been to a doctor or dentist in 7 years. I don't understand all of this back and forth banter about America's health care system. I think it is just sides that will never agree so nothing will ever change. Only rich people deserve to go to the doctor, I guess. Even though poor people like me provide all of the services and labor that make the privilege in their lives possible. I feel like a slave/serf. The difference between socialism and unchecked capitalism? Working for the government or working for the fat cats. There are too many people getting fucked and those that is doesn't affect don't seem to care. I am young and maybe when I am older I will be able to pay the outrageous costs of adequate health care but I have already suffered losses (I can no longer give birth or get pregnant) because I couldn't afford the necessary treatment-- the condition I had just got worse and worse. I scan the internet and read these sites where people are TALK TALK TALKing about the problem and nothing is being done. All the new plans get insulted and put down. I think it is good to be critical of new plans but... the result is that nothing changes. We remain in a country with the worst health care system in the western world and no one can do anything about it. Some of my friends moved to Europe a year ago so that they could get into the health care system there and honestly my husband and I might be soon to follow. I hate to leave my home but... I just think, I would still be fertile if I was born in Spain. The poor there are just as important as those with money.
  2. August 16th, 2009 at 16:18 | #2
    Sorry to hear about your troubles. Truth is, a lot could use some help-- but there's a right way and a wrong way.

    Congress could raise the income limits for Medicaid and cover you tomorrow. But they say they can't afford it. Yet they can afford a program 20 times that size? That tells me this is about control, not coverage.

    You say you may flee to Spain; yet millions are coming here for the "free" stuff--and just wait til it's all "free", all the time.

    There are some specific things that need to be fixed. But you don't throw out a car just because it has a flat tire and needs a muffler. Again, that tells me its not about care, but control.

    I hope you can get what you need. I hope we all can--but not at any price.

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