Cold Fury

Harshing your mellow since 9/01

Snitch, you Sneeches!


Have you noticed how Johnny Quest and Hadji keep telling us they know Osama bin Laden’s home address?


“[What about] the Superhighway of Terror between Pakistan and Afghanistan where my helicopter was forced* down…John McCain wants to know where Bin Ladin and the Gates of Hell are? I can tell him where. That’s where Al Qaida is. That’s where Bin Ladin is. It’s not in the country of Iraq.”


“John McCain likes to say that he’ll follow bin Laden to the Gates of Hell – but he won’t even go to the cave where he lives.”

Since the Man from U.N.C.L.E. and the Man from U.R.K.E.L. have bin Laden’s street address, isn’t it incumbent on them–especially on this day–to give that information to the real authorities?

C’mon, heroes; give Homeland a call. You can even remain anonymous–if it’s possible to be any more anonymous than you’ve already been in this fight.

*By the way, Sen. Mitty’s helicopter was “forced” down–by bad weather. Because he and John Kerry had insisted on going up in very marginal conditions in the first place, thus demonstrating their mad command skilz.

UPDATE: For Your Eyes Only: The Spy Who Revised and Extended Me

“His Middle Name is “Danger”–and his Running Mate’s Middle Name is–well, We’re Not Allowed to Talk about That!”

Here’s an excerpt from the newest book in the “Senators At War: The Delaware Destroyer” series, written by Lt. Sgt. Joe “Chesty Hairplug” Biden, Vector Victor Victoria, 101st Platoon Balloon Brigade. It’s entitled “The Hunt for Reds in Dover: Black Hair Down”:

With my cocked .45 in one hand and my loaded New York Times in the other, I made my way to the cockpit. I knocked on the door. Nothing. So I kicked it open. Judging from the gash on his forehead, the pilot was unconscious from where the door had hit him. Poor bastard. How was I supposed to know he was coming to open the door?

Settling into his seat, I pulled the stick back hard, hoping to gain some altitude. No such luck. Visibility was slipping away now, and the night was almost as thick an IRS addendum on the depreciation allowance tables for solar and renewable energy credits.

I wondered if she would be waiting for me when this mission was over. I wondered if I should turn on the little “No Smoking” signs. I wondered ‘Ya know, why do we even have those signs–smoking has been totally banned for 20 years?”–and then I realized “Hey-I don’t have to decide–that’s above my pay grade!”

With darkness closing in on me like Bill Clinton’s Arkansas state troopers around a frightened cocktail waitress, I jerked the stick to starboard in a desperate attempt to get the craft to respond. Nothing. I jerked the stick back to port; still nothing. And then it hit me; “Hey–I don’t even know the difference between starboard and port!”

Suddenly, I sensed danger. It was the same feeling I got once when I was served in a Vietnamese restaurant. The tingle of danger reminded me of the hot, burning truth: “Hey; I’m missing “Hardball”!”

That’s when I heard the footsteps. I checked my .45. It was still cold, so I finished drinking it. The enemy was nearly here. I grabbed my parachute as the voices got closer…

“Amtrak security, Senator–what are you doing in engineer’s cab, sir?”

Starboard’s the one on the left, right?

Posted in Heh   

7 thoughts on “Snitch, you Sneeches!

  1. Great job Noel, great reading!

    I’ve been a reader of Cold Fury for several years now.
    And this goes back to all of the mewling of the Democratic Congress years ago blaming President Bush for not getting Osama Bin Laden when they themselves haven’t done so.

    Joe Biden is on the Foreign Relations Committee and if Obama knows where the cave is then what’s the hold-up?

    I’ve been unwilling to vote for John McCain but that was before Joe Biden was selected as Obama’s VP. Now that Sarah Palin is John’s V.P. I’ve been 210% enthusiastic and I will not walk, I will run my heart out to the polling stations 53 days from now.

  2. BIRDMAN AND THE GALAXY TRIO,SPACE GHOST,FRANKENSTEIN Jr AND THE IMPOSSIBLES,MIGHTY MIGHTOR, can you remember the days of super hero cartoons? and can you remember THE MIGHTY HEROS?

  3. The man from U.R.K.E.L.

    Noel, you owe me a keyboard.

    And the cup of coffee now flooding the keys.

  4. I wonder when people will start to realize that the whole “Bush hasn’t found bin Laden” theme is a real slander on the US military. After all, they’re the ones who are charged with finding him, not the president (who, as I understand it, has other things to do which is why he asks the military to perform, you know, military tasks.)

    The assumption you hear is that were it not for the Iraq war, we’d have gotten OBL by now. Well, that’s just bullshit. I was in Afghanistan on March 19, 2003 (the day the Iraq war started) and I can tell you that bin Laden was (and still is) the #1 target of our forces (along with lots of other folks that most people in the news media have never heard of.) But the fact is that Afghanistan and Pakistan are only slightly more accessible and hospitable than the moon and always have been, which is why things like this aren’t easy.

    And, when you think about it, not being able to sleep in the same place two nights in a row because he has a $50 million price on his head pretty much neutralizes OBL anyway, assuming he’s even still alive which I assume he is not (since we haven’t heard from him in 2 or 3 years.)

    There’s honestly a part of me that hopes Urkel does get elected so that starting in January of 2009, we can bombard him with the question of “when are you going to get bin Laden? Where is bin Laden? You promised you’d get bin Laden so where is he? Huh? Huh? Huh?” like an impatient 4 year old (which is to say, like our current new media.) But of course we all know that the news media will either forget about OBL or will minimize him once their true God and Savior, Jesus H. Urkel is in charge.

  5. Thanks, guys.

    Randy–the difference between George Thorogood and Sen. Double O-Seven Eleven: When the album is over, George stops talking.

    I had fun with Sen. Oldfinger and Sen. Birdfinger, Sean. But I want them to tell us which exit to take off the Terrorist Superhighway to get to bin Laden’s crib, or shut the hell up and quit posing.

  6. Great bit. As I read the story, the voice I heard kept segueing from Biden to Brent Musberger then back to Biden. I realized they sound a bit alike. Another reason to not like Biden, it seems.

Comments are closed.



"America is at that awkward stage. It's too late to work within the system, but too early to shoot the bastards." – Claire Wolfe, 101 Things to Do 'Til the Revolution

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