Cold Fury

Harshing your mellow since 9/01

Needful things

Francis sends this along:

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

Fran says: “Found on Facebook. Exceptionally useful, which should make me take back…well, some of the nasty things I’ve said about Facebook.” Ditto, with bells on. I like the “malapropism,” “mixed metaphor,” and “hyperbole” ones best, myself.

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Tweet of the century

No, really.



Via WRSA.

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Polemic made easy

It’s getting mighty hard to parody them, but Surber just made a damned fine job of it.

Writing newspaper editorials is an exercise in exasperating futility. They have scant impact. 243 newspapers endorsed Hillary. 20 endorsed Donald John Trump. Who won?

To those still laboring at a craft that last had impact in the 19th century, I draw upon my 27 years of experience to offer this generic editorial on whomever President Trump nominates for the Supreme Court.

You may cut and paste it, and your boss will not notice the difference.

The Senate Must Reject This Monster

President Trump — a vain, deranged, and impulsive man elected by Russia and not a majority of Americans — has nominated the worst judicial candidate since Roger Brooke Taney, the chief justice who authored the Dred Scott decision. [Nominee’s name] may be worse. Not only does [he or she] view African-Americans as chattel, but women as second-class citizens!

Most Republicans want to return America to the oppressive and conformist days of the 1950s when everyone had a job instead of welfare!

President Trump has nominated a person who wants to return to the slave days of 1850s!

This would be Armageddon for our Constitution. Women would be forced to seek reproduction freedom from back-alley butchers again. Republicans would bar minorities and millennials from voting. People would be allowed to own as many guns as they like without registering them; vaginas would be more regulated than assault weapons!

They’re so comically predictable by now it pretty much writes itself, in a way. And damned if I didn’t just realize that Surber isn’t in Ye Old Blogrolle, which I remedied with a quickness. I really need to give that thing a good going-over soon.

Dream a little dream update! Elsewhere Surber explores a topic I mentioned here not long ago myself, but in much greater detail than I did.

In addition to being an obscene poison pen writer, Kevin D. Williamson is sloppy. He penned an ode to Harley-Davidson because it is standing up to “The Man” by shipping more production overseas to protest President Trump’s tariffs.

Williamson missed the real story. Harley-Davidson owes its existence to tariffs imposed by President Reagan in 1983. Ingratitude is hard to see when you are a Never Trumper basking in the glow of conservative victories that President Trump earned.

Harley now has plants all over the world. Harley, Williamson and the National Review ignored Reagan’s actions and words. They bet against America. They call it free trade, but given the low wages paid in Thailand, where Harley is building a plant, maybe we should call it slave trade.

Williamson wrote, “unilateral free trade is an idea far too radical for our current timid national mood.”

Unilateral free trade is economic euthanasia.

“Free trade” is a chimera, a unicorn. As long as there are nation-states with governments pursuing competing interests, it will not exist—it cannot exist.

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Make it stop!

Why is it always the homeliest and dumpiest among ’em who just can’t refrain from getting themselves all nekkid in public, and will find any excuse at all to sound high-minded about indulging their exhibitionist kink?

Well, okay, I guess for a middle-aged Feminazi college professor, she ain’t all THAT bad, really. Considering the beached-whale gravy boats stripping off at Lefty protest-cum-riots from sea to shining sea in our own nation, we’ve all surely beheld worse. But still: nope, ain’t no unseeing that.

I have to believe that someday, a reasonably cute Lefty chick willing to let ’em breathe in broad daylight will surface, thus negating the endless parade of blubberous, screeching, pink-mohawked tuna schooners and making our long national nightmare worth all the suffering that led up to her welcome emergence. I hereby pledge to do my little all in securing her internet-sensationhood, should that frabjous day arrive while I’m still young enough to give a damn.

Thanks for nuthin’ to Heartiste, who quips: “Forget it, Jake, it’s Vaginatown.

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Practical solutions to modern problems

Aesop kicks a few ideas around.

Starting with the second deportation, the method of repatriation used by ICE in all cases should be by trebuchet.

Then after they’re returned to the land of their forefathers at a few hundred FPS, they’ll probably still have one unshattered femur left to limp back home, and stay there.

I’m not terribly worried about a day without a Mexican; we had a hundred and fifty years without a Mexican, and it was called America. And it would be a lot catchier title if we renamed it Another Day Without Setting $318M Of Your Taxes On Fire, and made it a 24/7/365/forever national celebration.

Frankly, they’re lucky we don’t cut the crap, and simply authorize ICE to substitute land mines for the wall, until it’s built. Then they could just deport everyone missing a leg as presumptively here illegally.

You’ll notice there’s not a lot of Norks running through minefields to get to South Korea. And we’ve got a metric f**kton of the things just sitting in storage, so we might as well put them to some good use.

And while we’re up, let’s do one more thing: announce that henceforth, anyone ever deported for entering the US illegally will be banned for life from ever visiting the US on a visa, or ever emigrating here legally, and refused any amnesty for cause, even if it’s someday offered to those already here. Caught once, banned for life. Caught here a second time: Fly Air Trebuchet home. Easy peasy.

Works for me.

Obviously Aesop is being highly satirical here, but it does draw a line under the depths of absurdity to which this grotesque national hissy-fit has plummetted. It all calls a few thoughts to mind:

  1. The Left is making a serious miscalculation here: they’re relying on the same kind of polling data that told them Hillary!™ was absolutely certain to win the 2016 election by an overwhelming margin. They’re also blithely ignoring the fact that re-establishing our national borders and vigorous enforcement against violation of them by the hordes coming here illegally was one of the principle reasons Trump was elected in the first place.
  2. Most if not all of the imagery Leftymedia is busily shoveling down our gullets to inspire shock and shame is actually from Obama’s reign of error. Since the Left didn’t have a screaming psychotic break over such inhumanely inhuman inhumanity then, it’s obvious that it isn’t a moral or “compassion” issue for them but a partisan political one. In truth, they hope to use this as a cudgel to bludgeon Trump and the rest of us into submission at long, long last.
  3. Nobody wants to see children suffering or abused. But the agent of any suffering endured by these kids (those of them who aren’t MS13 gangsters, that is) is not Trump, nor is it Americans who wish to see our border protected and to have some say over who is and is not allowed to immigrate here. It’s the parents who violated our laws by coming here illegally. If they’ve been victimized by anybody, it ain’t Trump. It ain’t normal Americans either.
  4. Those parents are NOT “immigrants”; they are NOT “refugees.” They are CRIMINALS. They have no legitimate right to be here; the act of criminally flouting US immigration law entitles them to but one thing, and one thing only: detention. Well, okay, three things: arrest, detention, and expulsion. That’s it. There is nothing whatever immoral about sending them back, at our discretion and convenience.
  5. Laura Bush and the rest of the Vichy GOPe/NeverTrumpTard baglappers eager to slam Trump for keeping a campaign promise can all go suck a fat one.
  6. If America is as nasty, callous, cold-hearted, bigoted, and generally soul-blighting a place as the Left always insists, why on earth would all these people risk so much to leave their homes, friends, and families to come here illegally? And why would libtards want to help them stay?
  7. There’s so much else wrong with this shitshow I don’t even know where to begin addressing it. So I won’t.

None of this, not a single aspect of it, is anything new. It’s a hoary old rerun right down to the last niggling detail: the smug assertion of moral superiority; the overwrought bleats of “Hitler” and “Nazi” and “Holocaust” and “genocide” hurled at normal Americans with legitimate and reasonable concerns; the distortion and/or falsification of the historical record, along with appeals to Constitutional “rights” found nowhere in the Constitution on behalf of non-citizens outside its protection; the inflation of rather mundane events of little import or relevance to most Americans into a national CRISIS!! requiring immediate and drastic action in response; the use of children as props to further a political agenda; the stampede to collusion of milksop Republicans; the brazen deception and manipulative appeals to emotion; the marginalization of mainstream thought and the mainstreaming of radical lunacy; the risible claims of near-universal “bipartisan” agreement; the establishment media’s tireless effort as cheerleaders and propagandists rather than evenhanded reporters of events.

The whole shitfling is very much Swampland business as usual, in hopes of accomplishing some by-now familiar goals: thwarting the agenda Trump was elected specifically to implement, his removal from office by illegitimate means, and a stern reminder for normal Americans of their subordinate, subjugated role as the ones footing the bill for Leftist folly without complaint.

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Frameup

Oh, it’s a fairy tale all right.

Once upon a time, the FBI said some thugs planned to rob a bank in town. Thugs are always looking to rob banks. They try all the time. But at this particular time, the FBI was hyper-focused on potential bank robberies in this particular town.

The best way to prevent the robbery — which is the goal, after all — would be for the FBI to alert all the banks in town. “Be on high alert for suspicious activity,” the FBI could tell the banks. “Report anything suspicious to us. We don’t want you to get robbed.”

Instead, in this fractured fairytale, the FBI followed an oddly less effective, more time-consuming, costlier approach. It focused on just one bank. And, strangely, it picked the bank that was least likely to be robbed because nobody thought it would ever get elected president — excuse me, I mean, because it had almost no cash on hand. (Why would robbers want to rob the bank with no cash?)

Read on; the Last Real Journalist waxes ever more clever with her premise from there, winding up with a closer that makes the rubble bounce.

Sharyl Attkisson has more integrity in one discarded toenail clipping than almost all the rest of her “journalist” colleagues combined. In fact, referring to them as her colleagues feels uncomfortably close to slander, since what they do for a living has little or nothing in common with her work.

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An intriguing idea

CF-regular gadfly Mark Mattis presents one.

North Korea is going to need significant assistance to transition successfully from a military economy to a civil economy. I would like to suggest that to help them, the US should cut all funds to the United Nations, give that money instead to the Salvation Army, and request that they use it to help North Korea make the change. The assistance will need to be distributed across the country, and the North Korean military is well positioned to do that work. Giving current military members something important to do is a critical part of the transition, so this helps in more ways than one. And they would be getting some of the aid as well, so this also makes their lives better in the process.

The Salvation Army command structure is set up well to be able to interface with the North Korean military leadership. In North Korea, Kim should put the Salvation Army leadership at the same level as the heads of his military, reporting directly to him. The Salvation Army leadership would identify what aid was coming, but the tasking to distribute that would be done by the North Korean military. The Salvation Army should embed a small number of people at the final distribution level, but the actual distribution would be done by the Korean soldiers. The embeds would make suggestions, and report up to their leadership as to any problems in the field. Their leadership would have direct access to Kim, who knows how to take care of problems with his employees. I do not expect much graft, fraud, or corruption after the first few cases are dealt with. And the Salvation Army leadership in North Korea would also report directly to Secretary of State Pompeo, who would be able to realign things appropriately if any backsliding occurs. In my not so humble opinion, that would be “Win, Win, Win!”

I’m sure there are probably eight bazillion reasons why it couldn’t work, some of them possibly even sound ones. But man, the way it would frost shitlib nuts makes it worth considering all by itself.

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One-stop solution shop

A Schlichter column from earlier in the week explains how to properly defeat liberal arguments.

Let’s look as some of liberals’ favorite cheats, and how you can defeat them.

The Cheat: “Jesusplain Those Rubes!”

When in doubt, play the messiah card! It’s always a pleasure to have some atheist hipster explain to you how Christ was a socialist SJW who was ultra-open-minded about what bathroom people should use and who demands you give the government money so it can hand your cash over to deadbeats. I often wonder if this gambit ever works, if anyone ever thinks, “Gosh, I guess if @ImpeachTrumpHillarysHot says my Savior hates AR15s, then I better disarm myself in the face of liberal-enabled crime and liberal-supported tyranny.”

How to Beat It: You could explain the whole Christianity thing, but it’s easier to just tell the liberals to go pound sand.

The Cheat: “You are [Something Terrible] for thinking that!”

Racist, sexist, homophobic, Nickelback-loving – there’s not a slur or slander you won’t be called for standing up for the principles that made America great. But somewhere along the line, certain conservatives – let’s just say they tend to try to sell you cruises where you can mingle with the who’s who of the Fredocon elite – started trying to please liberals, seeking to prove that, “No, I’m not that horrible thing you just called me!” Big mistake. Of course, that never works. Liberals themselves are all of the things they call you, and they know it, and they don’t care, because their caring and concern and compassion for all the groups they accuse you of oppressing is just a pose. Watch how quickly they go from claiming you hate gay people to accusing you of being gay because calling a conservative gay is an insult that is supposed to blow our button-down bourgeois minds.

How to Beat It: You could deny the charges, but it’s easier to just tell the liberals to go pound sand.

Hmm. I do believe I’m seeing a pattern beginning to develop here. Kurt’s closer is a real gem too.

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Random thought

Only government would force cigarette manufacturers to change their long-standard, easily-understood nomenclature from Regular, Light, Extra Light, and Menthol to Red, Blue, Gold, and Green in the interest of “simplifying” things.

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Puzzlers

Diplomad ponders the imponderable.

Before I reach the perhaps unjustified conclusion that the “resistance” is just a “tale told by an idiot,” let me ask a few questions, and make some observations about this bold and virtuous resistance.

If Donald Trump is literally Adolf Hitler, why would a member of the “resistance” identify himself/herself/zheself as a member? Strikes me that is a clear violation of the rules of resistance to a repressive regime. Did Max Manus put such a sign in front of his house to shout out his defiance of the Nazis and Vidkun Quisling? Did Anne Frank? Seems an odd thing to do if the Gestapo is out and about.

What does this “resistance” do? I know what the resistance did in Norway and Yugoslavia, but this one? What does it do? I mean, of course, aside from going to notoriously right-wing Starbucks to demand free bathroom usage. What exactly are they resisting? OK, I understand that just like Hitler, Trump is strongly pro-Israel, has a Jewish daughter and son-in-law, and, just like Hitler, used the power of the state to bring back three non-white hostages from North Korea. Yes, I see the similarities, but . . . well, now that I think about it, I guess Trump is actually worse than Hitler because Trump, unlike Hitler, is not a vegetarian!

But, but I still remain puzzled.

It seems odd that many members of the “resistance” want the state to take away all of our guns. The resistance hates Trump so much they want him and his henchmen to have our weapons. I guess the resistance to Hitler did the same thing, no? Maybe I’ve got my history mixed up, I don’t know, perhaps the thunder and lightning are throwing off my aging brain waves.

So to sum it up for the resistance: The anti-semite Trump is the best friend Israel has ever had. The racist Trump has instituted policies that have produced the lowest unemployment figures in decades for black and hispanic Americans. The woman-hating Trump had a woman running his campaign (no, not Mrs. Putin), has a woman as Ambassador at the UN, another as the head of DHS, another as head of Education, yet another as White House spokesman, and now has made a woman the head of the CIA. The oligarch Trump has instituted tax and other policies that are putting more money into more ordinary people’s pockets than has happened in many years.

All just like Hitler did…

There you go again, trying to make sense out of the nonsense spewed by people who have NO sense. I’m gonna just stick with “a tale told by idiots,” myself.

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An idea whose time has…uhh, well…

It might not be such a bad idea, really, but I don’t see it happening.

America is being made great again in the wake of Obama’s failed presidency, which in hindsight already appears as nothing more than the absurd climax of affirmative action gone off the rails.  Trump has wiped the floor with his legacy while building an incredible one of his own.

Now, I propose, is the perfect time for the American people to seal their own deal: let’s make a campaign ourselves to expire terms such as “Democrat,” “liberal,” “leftist,” and “progressive,” and let’s call it what it is: totalitarianism.

He ain’t entirely wrong, of course. But “totalitarian” is a wee mite unwieldy, shall we say. Not to mention that I doubt most average workaday Joes out there even know what it means, or care.

I’ve opined myself about the near-uselessness nowadays of the old terms like “liberal,” “conservative,” etc. In fact, those two in particular have come to signify pretty much the opposite of their old, long-accepted definitions—a direct result of the Left’s hijacking of the world “liberal” not as a clarification of their intentions, but as camouflage for them. If there’s anything remotely liberal about unending expansion of a bureaucratic central behemoth’s control over each and every one of us, I sure wish someone would explain to me what it might be.

I coined the term “Progressivist” and use it pretty extensively here, because I am confident in my readers’ familiarity with the history of the so-called Progressive movement, its origins, and its sinister agenda. But I expect that my use of “Progressivist” as a sort of shorthand for the Left’s fetishized continuation and extension of the original Progressives’ statist, tyrannical program might not be properly understood by most folks out there. On the other hand, when someone says “liberal” everybody pretty much gets the idea, at least for now. Cohen still makes some pretty good points, though:

Now that Trump is midway through his second year as president, I believe we can now announce without fear of the Post-Orwellian Thought Police: the enemies of President Trump are the enemies of the family, the Constitution, morality, and sanity. They are collectively the enemies of our nation’s future, who actively seek to flood the nation with third-world refugees while disarming the native population. In a word, President Trump’s enemies are barbarians within the gates, and they have gotten this far because they do a good job of weeping when retaliation looms. We now must update our terminology if we are consciously to move ahead: the words “liberal,” “progressive,” “Democrat” are what “National Socialist” are to “Nazi.” They are a lot of misleading verbiage.

Oh, I don’t know how misleading they really are at this point. They were once, and were intended to be. But people are beginning to see through the smokescreen more clearly than they ever have before; the fog is lifting at last as the inevitable failure of Left governance makes itself felt more keenly, leaving behind only the revolting stench of pure corruption. Cohen goes on to reel off this great line:

The liberal agenda exists solely because the people liberals are hell-bent on attacking are too busy living their lives to bother shooting them all.

Heh. For now, I suppose. We’ll see how long that holds up. Cohen’s closing recommendation is right on the money too.

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A female cuck?

You don’t concede the Left’s premises. Not ever, not even once, not for any reason.

Speaking of silly women inviting snakes into the fold, let’s address a recent essay published by National Review, titled “Conservatives Are Wrong to Dismiss Feminism.” It is written by one Sarah Quinlan, a woman who, we are told is a “front-page contributor to RedState.” This is intended as a credential, when in fact, it is rather more like calling someone a former lead engineer for the Hindenburg. But one supposes it was the best the likes of Ms. Quinlan could do under the circumstances.

One of Quinlan’s unlisted associations, however, is her sometime affiliation with one of the sadder outings in NeverTrump history, the so-called Buckley Club, an infected little pimple of an organization that knew so little of its namesake that it once mistook one of Buckley’s favorite phrases—“immanentizing the eschaton”—for a conspiracy theorist slogan.

Holt goes on to dismantle Quinlan’s convoluted mess of an argument pretty thoroughly, culminating in this stinging closer:

I’m sure she’ll get around to making a mockery of her other conservative principles in time, but we needn’t waste any more exertion waiting on her to do it.

At best, Quinlan’s piece is a vapid extended emotivist wail in search of a shoulder and a pint of vanilla ice cream to dash itself against. At worst, it is a hostile ultimatum that the Right must trade Trump for Teen Vogue, and transform William F. Buckley into William F. Becky-with-the-good-hair so that it can attract the votes of women whose character validates the assumptions of every misogynist who ever lived. Either way, it deserves to be rejected in the strongest possible terms.

And so, I will do just that. Conservatism needs feminism like National Review needed Sarah Quinlan’s byline: only as a tool for suicide. NRO’s brand needs to be hospitalized and any dangerous objects need to be taken away from the editors after this. As for True Conservatism (™), after the publication of this article, it will need a rape kit, which, unlike the thousands that Quinlan complains remain untouched, we have been obliged to process.

Ouch. Better put some ice on that, sweetie.

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A ray of light

From an extremely dim bulb.

Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) on Tuesday ripped into President Trump over his decision to withdraw the U.S. from the Iran nuclear deal.

“Everything President Obama has done, this president wants to undo,” she said.

NOW you’re getting it. That’s precisely why we elected him, genius.

Update! You can call it “undoing Obama policies,” right enough. But a better phrase would be “repairing the damage.”

Fulfilling a campaign promise, earlier this week Donald Trump officially withdrew the United States from the Obama-era nuclear deal with Iran, calling it “one of the worst and most one-sided transactions the United States has ever entered into.” For critics of the deal who recognized its flaws and did not turn a blind eye to evidence Iran was violating the terms of the agreement, this was welcome news a long time coming. Trump fulfilled his promise, and the days of kowtowing to terror-sponsoring regimes are behind us.

Naturally, Obama administration alums are throwing hissy fits. Obama himself released a statement calling the decision “a serious mistake.” Apparently, the man who gave billions of dollars and a pathway to creating nuclear weapons to the world’s number one state sponsor of terrorism thinks he has any credibility on the issue. Of course, Obama, the self-proclaimed former constitutional law professor, should have known that Senate ratification is required for his deal to be legally binding. For all intents and purposes, Obama’s Iran deal was written in pencil, and Trump took his eraser to it.

Just like that, Obama’s “major” foreign policy achievement became yet another example of just how foolish Obama’s “I have a pen and a phone” approach to governing was for someone who wanted to establish a long-term legacy.

Margolis goes on to present his picks for the top four destructive Obama policies undone by Trump. But there are plenty more than just those (NOTE: I added a link to a more comprehensive list from Limbaugh), and the man hasn’t even broken a sweat yet. I’m thinking I might need to establish a Making America Great Again category for this stuff.

“A classic con job” update! Diplomad reels off a truly great line—”destroying the world order in order to save the world”—and then moves right along:

Let’s not forget that since the USA became a significant player, the principal aim of European leaders has been to embroil the USA in Europe’s wars, have the USA fix the messes caused by European leaders, but have the USA take instructions from Europe’s leaders. Even Churchill, whom I admire immensely, was not immune; he desperately wanted the mighty US in WWII, but wanted to dictate the how and the where of the application of US power. We, of course, previously saw the same thing in WWI. In that conflict 100 years ago, the geniuses in the European high commands needed US troops to halt a resurgent Germany after the exit of Russia from the war, but did not want an independent US force. Vietnam and Libya were also two messes in which we became involved to bail out Europe. Pershing successful resisted them. Let us also not forget that the long years of the Cold War involved the US footing the bulk of the bill for defense, allowing Europe to maintain Legoland militaries and spend their own wealth building cradle-to-grave social welfare systems, which, of course, relied on the despised US military for protection.

It goes on and on…uh, well, not any longer. Just as Reagan did before in rejecting European advice on how to handle the USSR, it seems that Trump has a very clear home-grown idea of how to do things in the interest of the United States. About time.

Of course, the Iranians and the Europeans are upset over President Trump’s bold announcement that we are walking away from this “deal.” As I have noted before, the “deal” guaranteed Iran’s acquiring a nuclear weapon, while, mostly European and Russian companies make a lot of money off the Iranian regime whose bank accounts became flush with billions of dollars and euros magnanimously provided by the Obama misadministration in the dead of night.

We hear cries of outrage from Obama, Kerry, and Clinton, of course, who see their “legacy” coming apart. The Iranians are running to Russia and Europe trying to save a vestige of the “deal” to make sure the goodies keep flowing. Kerry, of course, is repeating his anti-American antics of decades ago: just as he did with the North Vietnamese and Viet Cong delegations in Paris during the Vietnam War peace talks, he has been in Europe trying to strike some sort of new “deal” with Iran to undermine the US president. Kerry does treason quite well.

It’s about all he does well, too. Well, that, along with inflating a minor injury into a quickie ticket out of Vietnam, and faking throwing his medals over the White House fence at a protest. Oh, and he seems to have been a dab hand with the gigolo thing, also.

And now the contemptible gusano is making noise about running for president again. God, how I wish he would. A hotly-contested primary fight between Kerry and Greasy Joe Biden should be enough to nail the Democrat Socialist coffin-lid shut once and for all.

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Gimme back my wig

And my culture. Bonus points for knowing where my title was, umm, appropriated from.

The Utah high school student who wore a Chinese dress for her senior prom has a message for those who attacked her for “cultural appropriation” on Twitter: “I would wear the dress again.”

Keziah Daum, 18, wanted to find a dress for her prom that would stand out while also being classy, saying that she wanted a dress that “didn’t reveal too much of the chest and neck area [or] too much legs and shoulders.”

Daum quickly found the tweet that was directing harassment at her, which came from a man named Jeremy Lam, who wrote: “My culture is NOT your g*****n prom dress.”

Follows in the linked article, a list of sidesplitting Tweets supporting her, my favorite of which would have to be this one:



Another good ‘un lambasting the twit:



There’s lots more of ’em, but I’ll close it out here with Schlichter’s hearty fuck-you:



Amen to all that. It’s a beautiful dress, Miss Daum is a beautiful girl who looks great in it, and whiny-ass bitch Jeremy Lem should go take a flying fuck at a plate-glass window at the earliest opportunity.

Update! Strong message follows, from Klavan:

Cultural appropriation is not a glitch of American life. It’s a feature. It’s part of what makes the country great. We take your culture, we get rid of the oppression, the mass murder, the slavery, the intransigent poverty and the endless internecine wars. We keep the pasta and the funny hats, and occasionally we dress up as you on Halloween. It’s a good deal for everyone.

People who get angry about pretty girls wearing pretty dresses have lost the plot of life. Same with people who get angry about comedians making jokes, silly characters in television cartoons and rap stars who disagree with their politics. These are not bad things. They are good things. They are what real diversity looks like: people of different colors from different places living together as one nation, disagreeing with one another, making fun of each other, stealing fashion ideas from one another, eating each other’s food, marrying each other and celebrating that out of many lesser cultures we are making one new culture, free and prosperous, powerful and great.

Does that bother you? Guess what: you’re an idiot. Are you giving a young lady a hard time about what dress she chooses to wear to prom? Hooray: you’re a bully and a schmuck. Does everything that everybody does or say make you feel offended and angry? I’m happy to report there’s a cure for that. Stop being a leftist and the world will suddenly become very beautiful indeed.

Pretty much, yeah. Note well too, that, as was pointed out by one of the above-mentioned Tweeters, bitch-boy Lem was issuing his petulant demands on the internet—without the slightest trace of irony or awareness of which culture he has to thank for that little innovation. But then, he probably had a cheeseburger for lunch yesterday, too.

My my, but ain’t it just enjoyable as hell when some PC fucktard beclowns himself to such a hilariously fulsome degree?

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Fun sex facts

This isn’t exactly the sort of thing I usually write about here, nor is it quite the sort of thing I’d normally expect from Hawkins. But what they heck, they ARE interesting.

1. Throughout history, roughly 40 percent of men had a child while 80 percent of women had a child.

2. On average, gay men (6.32 inches) have longer penises than straight men (5.99).

6. Although there is an extraordinarily wide number of sexual interests you can find somewhere on the web, just 20 topics cover 80 percent of the things people are searching for.

7. For every pornography search for a thin girl, there are three for a woman who is large (BBW, plump, chubby, etc.).

8. In an experiment in France, padding was used to change a female’s breast size. She was then sent to a nightclub and the experimenter counted how many times she was approached by men. With an A-cup? 18 times. B-cup? 28 times. C-Cup? 60 times.

Hey, they don’t call ’em fun bags for nothing, you know. And quantity has a quality all its own.

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Toys!

Ace runs down a whole bunch of great ones from the 60s and 70s, but he leaves out one of the greatest of them all: the M16 Marauder, by Mattel. Our whole neighborhood had these things when I was a kid, and they were GREAT. Only trouble was, after packing fistfuls of dirt down the barrel a few times to make it smoke when you “fired” it—which naturally we all did—the big, realistic sound it originally produced was rendered kind of…umm, humble, shall we say. First thing we all did, right out of the box, was rip the silly orange tip on the muzzle of the weapon off and throw it away to facilitate said dirt-packing. Also because it just looked goofy.

It had a select-fire switch which didn’t function—it was full-auto only, which means it was no more a true assault rifle than are the semi-only AR15s the libs are all soaking their Underoos over today—and a charging handle which did. You racked the lever back, laid on the trigger, and the handle would tick along forward until it reached the stop and the “magazine” was “emptied.” I don’t recall ever counting individual shots to determine what the magazine capacity was (according to this ad, it was “over 50 rounds”). You easily could’ve, as the cycling rate was somewhat slower than a real-life Thompson M1A1*. It just never occurred to us to do it, that’s all.

The mechanism that made the sound also created a modest vibration along with it, thereby heightening the whole M16 experience to the delight of all. When the charging handle got all the way forward to the stop the shooting stopped too. Then you “reloaded” by racking back again and the fun started all over. You blasted away on full rock-and-roll until you finally ran out of rounds, resulting in your position being overrun by Victor Charlie or the NVA, the pus-nutted commie bastards. Then you’d be captured and hauled off to the Hanoi Hilton for years of torture both physical and mental, your very existence denied by the US government for ass-covering purposes. Eventually you’d break and sign a statement denouncing American imperialism, whereupon you would be released to “serve” the next 70 or 80 years as a duplicitous, arrogant, self-serving Republican US senator, perhaps. If you were lucky.

The only thing that might’ve made this thing more fun was if it had come with a detachable magazine, with a spare or two included. But we’d only have lost ’em pretty quickly, I guess, so maybe it’s just as well they didn’t.

A mere hundred and forty bucks on eBay, folks. Probably around ten brand new way back when, fifteen at most. Nowadays, you wouldn’t dare try to buy such a thing for your kid at all. If you expressed a desire to right out loud you’d be hustled off to a facility for some vigorous “counseling” regarding such egregious child abuse, your kids heavily sedated to restore their shattered psychological equilibrium before being packed off to foster care for good. You MONSTER.

This is what we call “progress,” see.

*Best subgun EVER, by the way. And yes, I have shot one, and know whereof I speak. Many times, thank you very much.

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TOXIC MASCULINITY!!

I am now feeling triggered and microaggressed, which leaves me craving my footie pajamas and a delicious cup of hot cocoa.

The 20 Most Badass Quotes from Professional Fighters
1. “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” – Mike Tyson

2. “One way or the other we’re going to hit the ground and we’ll be in my world. The ground is my ocean, I’m the shark, and most people don’t even know how to swim.” — Jean Jacques Machado

3. “Right leg is hospital. Left leg is cemetery.” – Mirko Cro Cop

4. “I’ma beat you till you respect me. I’ma beat you and make you call me pretty. I’ma beat you like that.” — Floyd Mayweather

5. “I don’t want to lose ever. I don’t want to lose at anything. I want to make weight faster than the guy that I’m fighting if we both go into the sauna at the same time. When we’re doing interviews I want to have quicker wit so that I can make him feel stupid. I want to drink my water faster. And then when we get in the cage I want to beat him up. I don’t think people really truly understand the extent that I go to try not to lose.” – Daniel Cormier

6. “He went to the hospital with bleeding kidneys and me, I went dancing with my wife.” — George Chuvalo

7. “How tall are you? So I can know in advance how far to step back when you fall down!” – Muhammad Ali

Ahh, good old Muhammad. Hawkins could have easily culled 20 great ones just from him, from the leadup to a single fight.

Update! So I got to remembering the great old banter between Ali and Howard Cosell back in the day, which was a thing of beauty to behold. That inspired me to go dig up some more Ali quotes for y’all.

  • Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It’s an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It’s a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.
  • The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.
  • Often it isn’t the mountains ahead that wear you out, it’s the little pebble in your shoe.
  • Live everyday as if it were your last because someday you’re going to be right.
  • What you’re thinking is what you’re becoming.
  • The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
  • Inside of a ring or out, ain’t nothing wrong with going down. It’s staying down that’s wrong.

And perhaps my favorite of them all:

I’ve wrestled with alligators,
I’ve tussled with a whale.
I done handcuffed lightning
And thrown thunder in jail.
You know I’m bad.
just last week, I murdered a rock,
Injured a stone, Hospitalized a brick.
I’m so mean, I make medicine sick.

Every one a gem. Number five up above is a good one too, noteworthy for the glimpse it gives us into the mindset that separates true champions from the rest of the field, in way more endeavors than just boxing. Agressiveness, drive, competitive instinct, confidence, determination, perseverance, will—these are all requirements, sure. But the really important quality in the making of a champion is not so much a strong desire to win, but a burning, inflexible abhorrence for losing.

Love him or hate him, Muhammad was the most entertaining fighter of them all to watch, from his era or any other. In the ring, he moved with the swift, smooth grace of a ballet dancer; his finely-honed skill put him head and shoulders above just about all of his contemporaries. Outside it, his charisma and quick wit made every press conference or interview unpredictable and riveting, real must-see TV. Lots of people who had little or no interest in boxing watched those interviews and press conferences anyway, just to see what outrageous, infuriating, or funny statement he might come up with next.

And since I mentioned Cosell up there, I might as well throw in a sample of the repartee between these two legends.

Cosell: “Are you taking Zora Folley too lightly?”

Ali: “Why would you say that?”

Cosell: “Because every indication has been that you’re confident that you can beat Zora.”

Ali: “I’m confident I can whup ’em all. This ain’t nothin’ new. My image has been confident. What you tryin’ to make it look like something new for? I’m always confident. I’ll whup all of ’em.”

Cosell: “You’re being extremely truculent.”

Ali: “Whatever truculent means, if that’s good, I’m that.”

Once, Ali peeled back Cosell’s famous toupee, pretending to peek at his scalp.

Or the champ would make a threatening gesture.

“Don’t touch me,” Cosell teased with a pseudo-glare. “I’ll beat your brains out.”

After Ali retired, he appeared less frequently in public as his medical condition worsened. Cosell retreated into privacy, too, particularly after his wife, Emmy, passed away. Cosell died in 1995 at age 77.

“(Ali) sat down next to me at my father’s memorial service,” Jill (Cosell’s daughter) recalls. “He could barely speak. After I read the family eulogy, Muhammad patted me. He had tears streaming down his face.

“I told him, ‘It’s OK, Muhammad.’”

Ahh, those were the days all right. Ali and Cosell were bona fide giants in their respective fields, the likes of which we won’t see again. Which brings me ’round at last to the prank he pulled on Ed Bradley on 60 Minutes, which I was fortunate enough to catch when it first aired back in…uhh…1996?!?




1996? Man, that CAN’T be right. Can it?

Damn, I’m gettin’ old.

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An e-mail from Da Nuge!

Made me laugh right out loud, it did.

Friend,

You may know me by one of my many nicknames: “The Nuge,” “The Motor City Madman,” or “Uncle Ted.”

I’m Ted Nugent – guitar slayer, lifelong outdoorsman, and hard core advocate for our sacred American hunting traditions, 1st and 2nd Amendment rights and all our Constitutionally guaranteed God-given, self-evident, truth-driven individual freedoms.

But this isn’t about me. It’s about my good friend and great American patriot warrior, Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Arizona. I’m writing because my friend Sheriff Joe is back in the ring for you and me – for America – and he needs US to be there for him!

Joe Arpaio has just announced that he is running for the U.S. Senate – and that means Americans have the chance to finally send a real leader to Washington who will defend OUR interests on Capitol Hill!

Let’s Send America’s Sheriff to Capitol Hill to Clean up the Washington, DC Swamp! Join TED NUGENT and SUPPORT Sheriff Joe Arpaio for U.S. Senate TODAY!!

Heh. You gotta love it.

The liberal-left cannot tolerate a straight shooter like Joe Arpaio in the U.S. Senate and they will pull out all the stops to defeat him once and for all.

So will the liberal “right.” Hell, Ryan and McConnell are probably already writing checks and taping ads for whatever Democrat Socialist tapeworm is running.

P.S. Think how amazing it would be to see Senator Joe Arpaio fighting for us as the next Senator from Arizona! Let’s make it happen!

Sheeit, think about how amazing it would be to see CNN anchors having to force the words “Senator Joe Arpaio” out of their yaps now and then. They’d look like they were sucking on pickles brined in arsenic and cat piss every time they did.

I repeat: you gotta love it. And I do.

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On the bright side…

There’s always Bolton.

John Bolton turned up on Fox about an hour before I did last night, and professed to be surprised by the sudden Tweeting of his appointment as US National Security Advisor. The Beltway insiders allege that it was rushed out to distract from Trump’s cave-in on the 2,232-page Schemer-Pelosi Early-Christmas-For-Big-Bloated-Budget-Busting-Bureaucracy Bill that not a single person on this planet has actually read. Oh, and don’t give me that “increased funding for our troops” straw-clutching: every sentient creature from the earthworm up knows that the extra dough’s just going to go to diversity programs and gender reassignment surgery as opposed to anything that might increase the odds of actually winning the next 17-year war.

At this stage the Gullible Old Pussies of the Republican Party are pretty much openly advertising that giving them control of the House, the Senate and the White House is the equivalent of giving Yosemite Sam three sticks of dynamite to shove down his pants – with the additional nicety that this time round they’re actively flipping the finger at their president’s bedrock issue. I reiterate the point I first made on the radio a year ago: On January 20th 2017 Trump should have taken all those showboating showbiz no-shows at face value and held a businesslike inauguration at the southern border while laying the first brick. The brick remains unlaid – not because Vicente Fox refuses to “pay for Trump’s f**kin’ wall” but because Paul Ryan does.

As for the Bolton distraction, it seems to be working. I’ve given up trying to discern ideological themes in Trump’s firings and hirings: as far as I can tell, it’s mostly about people he likes to hang out with. In the case of John Bolton, I first met the new National Security Advisor a decade and a half or so back, in a roomful of European prime ministers and foreign ministers. He delivered a line that stunned the joint:

International law does not trump the US Constitution.

I was standing next to the Finnish Prime Minister, Paavo Lipponen, who had a genuinely puzzled looked on his face and eventually inquired of me: “He is making a joke, no?”

No.

This is a long one, including as it does a repost of a Steyn column on Bolton from 2005. Contained therein are these Bolton quips:

What I love about John Bolton, America’s new ambassador to the UN, is the sheer volume of ‘damaging’ material. Usually, the Democrats and media have to riffle through decades of dreary platitudes to come up with one potentially exploitable infelicitous soundbite. But with Bolton the damaging quotes are hanging off the trees and dropping straight into your bucket. Five minutes’ casual trawling through the back catalogue and your cup runneth over:

The UN building?

‘If you lost ten stories, it wouldn’t make a bit of difference.’

Reform of the Security Council?

‘If I were redoing the Security Council, I’d have one permanent member …the United States.’

The International Criminal Court?

‘Fuzzy-minded romanticism …not just naive but dangerous.’

International law in general?

‘It is a big mistake for us to grant any validity to international law.’

Offering incentives to rogue states?

‘I don’t do carrots.’

Steyn also throws in another oldie-but-goodie column peppered with plenty more spicy Bolton haymakers. Whether Steyn’s distraction theory has any merit to it or not, I’m happy to see Big John back in harness as NSA; with Bolton back in their faces and impossible to ignore, the anguished screaming from the usual suspects over his every word is going to be a thing of joyous beauty. However big a fuck-you Trump just allowed the Uniparty to throw at us with his budget own-goal, the one he just lobbed at the UN and the DC Swamp bottom-feeders tops it handily.

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If sheep could cook…

A bit late for Women’s Day. But worth the wait.

…at one of the DC marches some clueless liberal woman carried the following sign. This sign and the text underneath it came from an e-mail sent to me by many readers.

“I dream women will someday have the same rights as guns.”

Does that mean that this brilliant liberal wants…

– women to be banned from entering school and college campuses? (Heh. A woman free zone. – GOC)

– women to be banned from any establishment selling alcohol?

– women to be banned from polling places on election days (That would be the death of the Democrat Party – GOC)

– women to be banned from any official government group meetings?(No women in Congress – GOC)

There’s plenty more, all of which suit me fine when applied to liberal women. And then there’s this one:

– That all women should come with silencers?

That one’s the most important, and it’s nothing short of vital.

I know, I know. Sorry, ladies. As I said, he has more, including a scalding opening riff on Hillary! that even you gals will get a giggle out of. The ones likely to be hanging around this particular den of iniquity, that is.

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Birds of a feather

One big happy family.

Rats — actual rodents — are infesting the newly renovated Consumer Financial Protection Bureau’s headquarters, The Daily Caller News Foundation has learned.

Hundreds of the agency’s employees moved into their beautiful $124 million headquarters across the street from the White House in October as construction was still underway. Upon entering, they discovered rats also were making it their home, according to two sources who spoke to TheDCNF on the condition of anonymity.

The $124 million price tag was double the original $55 million estimate and 25 percent over the $99 million estimate approved by Richard Cordray, the bureau’s first director.

Not one word of this should come as any great surprise to anyone. The building was always going to be infested with rats anyway—of the two-legged variety.

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