Cold Fury

Harshing your mellow since 9/01

Fords and Chevvies and fuckups, oh my!

Remember the other night when I waxed nostalgic about the nearly-forgotten Ford/Chevy rivalry? Of course, that’s not to say that there aren’t still a few of us geezer types determined to keep those flames ablaze. There’s a largish number of street rod/rat rod/classic car whippersnappers out there who feel likewise, as well.

And then we have those benighted fools who take the matter WAY too seriously.

BEDFORD CO., VA — An argument over which truck is better, Ford or Chevy, escalated and ended with gunshots in a Virginia home on Easter. 

According to WSET, prosecutors said it happened during dinner involving Mark Turner, his girlfriend, her son and the son’s girlfriend. 

Turner and his girlfriend’s son got into an argument about trucks. 

“The allegation is that there was alcohol involved

Oh, go on. You can’t POSSIBLY mean that.

and a dispute began against Logan Bailey, the son of the girlfriend, and Mr. Turner about what type of vehicle is best, Chevy versus Ford,” attorney Wes Nance said. 

Investigators said Turner pulled out a knife and threatened Bailey. Turner’s girlfriend stepped between her boyfriend and her son. 

Turner stabbed his girlfriend in the lowerback, leaving a six-inch wound, according to Nance. 

Then, things got even worse.

And believe it or not, they did. They really, really did. Body count as of this writing, near as I can make out: eight gunshot wounds; at least one stab wound; and one (1) skull cracked.

I was originally hipped to this whole embarrassment via MisHum’s ONT link to a different report, over which version I am going to be forced to do a little annoyed harrumphing here.

Since the dawn of time, the battle between Chevrolet and Ford has burned brightly. Legend has the age-old, mullet-inspired argument has produced absolutely no winners. But a plethora of losers. Now, yet another battle has been fought, this time at the hands of a Virginia man with a knife and a gun.

Bold mine, because…uhhh, dude, what the fuck? That HAD to be written by some kid trying to be funny, blissfully unaware that when this rivalry started the menfolk were wearing the back and sides high and tight, and no gentleman would dream of venturing out of the house without a hat anyway. Mullets didn’t even exist back then, for crying out loud. The kind of long, flowing locks the mullet ‘do requires were for women only in those days; any adult male who tried to cross that particular line would have found himself with way more trouble on his hands to worry about than Fords and Chevys, with a quickness.

On the bright side, however, the Drive youngster’s version of events does include a most amusing mugshot of the ignernt knucklehead in less than showroom condition after having his empty head clouted by the po-po, so there’s that. The cub reporter mentions Turner being “struck” by something yclept “a flexible baton round”; since I have not the slightest idee what the devil that might even be, I’m just gonna assume he got his bell rung by an Asp baton, which pretty much all cops everywhere carry.

All in all, I’m harboring the suspicion that this sad-sack Turner was just looking for a reason to get busy shooting and cutting those other folks to begin with, and likely had been working himself up to it for a good long while. He was probably just waiting for the night he got hisself likkered and doped up enough to go ahead and get the party started, I’m guessing.

It all got me to thinking that I need to establish a brand-new category here for this sort of thing—by which I mean Ford-specific items, not slope-browed ridgerunners venting the ol’ spleen on their kinfolk over little to nothing at all. So I did: Fords forever, baby!

Oh, and: Skeptic, I’ll getcha for that one someday, buddy. Heh. Honestly, all kidding around aside, I’d never heard that zinger before.

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