Liberal “principles”:

• If you’re a Democrat, sex with sixteen year old pages is not only okay but downright heroic

• If you’re a Republican, masturbation is grounds for criminal investigation

• If you’re a Democrat, oral sex with a nineteen year old intern (NOTE: see third update – ed) isn’t really sex at all

• If you’re a Republican, cybersex with an eighteen year old is not only “sex with a minor,” but a crime that ought to at least cost you your job, and with any luck will actually get you locked up

• If you’re a Democrat President, lying under oath about the affair you’ve been having with a nineteen year old intern isn’t perjury and is in fact perfectly understandable; no harm, no foul, and anyone who seems at all concerned is to be dismissed as a “prude”

• If you’re a Republican Speaker of the House, failing to take action over salacious IM’s you didn’t even have knowledge of is grounds for dismissal and, hopefully, criminal proceedings

• If you’re a Democrat and homosexual, your sex life is perfectly normal and no one’s business but your own, even if your young boyfriend is running a male prostitution ring from your apartment; your denials of any knowldege of said criminal activity will instantly be accepted without question, and in the end you’ll be considered just another victim yourself

• If you’re a Republican and homosexual, your sex life (actually, your fantasy life) is “sick sick sick sick,” and you’d best keep your junk locked away lest your private life be publicly mocked and denounced by tolerant, sensitive, caring liberals

• If you’re a Democrat, personal privacy is paramount, trumping even national security considerations; listening in on any phone conversations you may have with overseas al Qaeda leaders is verboten, but hey, that’s the risk we must take to safeguard our precious liberty from the predations of fascist Republican chimperors

• If you’re a Republican, better shred anything a dumpster-diving “journalist” might conceivably make political hay out of, and best not be relying on those privacy-rights “absolutists” to come galloping to your rescue when there’s political advantage to be gained from exposing your private correspondence

• If you’re a Democrat, “principles” such as tolerance and respect for lifestyles other than your own are malleable, negotiable, and open to interpretation during election season

• If you’re a Republican, the tiniest human frailty will get you upbraided as a “hypocrite” by braying liberal jackasses starved for election-day wins; noticing that their blowhard perorations are themselves the rankest, basest sort of hypocrisy will get you a lot of infantile whining about what’s “fair” and what isn’t

• If you’re a Democrat, lying about your opponents is perfectly within the bounds of decent and honorable behavior

• If you’re a Republican, telling the truth about your opponents is “Swift-boating”

• If you’re a Democrat, slavish adherence to the party line by the “oppressed” victim-classes that make up the entirety of your party membership is evidence of your “diversity” and respect for “freedom of thought”; any who stray from the liberal reservation and dare to think for themselves are fodder for any sort of vicious, despicable punishment that can be dreamed up — such as, say, “outing“; conformity “unity” is everything

• If you’re a Republican, you’re a mindless drone, a “grey man” incapable of independent thought

And let’s just have a moment of snarling recognition for the fine job the “corporate/conservative media” is doing, shall we? Best place to keep an eye on for the ongoing summary of this sordid and transparently political foolishness is here.

I’ll update with more observations as I come up with ‘em.

Update the first! If you’re a Democrat, this isn’t profoundly, hideously racist. Noticing that tequila is a product of Mexico and might be commonly consumed there, however, is.

Update the second!

• If you’re a Democrat, labeling the opposition party as “antisex” and “antigay” because of the priggishness of the extremist fringe of that party, and then using that misperception to further a manufactured scandal grounded wholly in an erroneous and disingenuous claim of “hypocrisy” immediately before an election, is perfectly legitimate, just smart politics

• If you’re a Republican, correctly pointing out that the opposition party is anti-military and weak on defense based on their own decades-long voting record and policy statements is out of bounds, horrendously unfair, and a “smear campaign”

Update the third! Martin points out in the comments that “that woman” was 22 when Bill Clinton did not have sex with her, instead of 19 as I originally said. My bad.