Well, the results of the first weigh-in for the Big Bulky Biker Bodyfat Biathlon are in. All I can say, is you’re a big bunch of losers. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen such a group of losers, really. Comments follow the table.

Read ‘em, and weep.

First off, methods. I’m rounding poundages off. The first and final weigh-ins will be accurate to the number you gave me, pretty much. If you see any major inaccuracies there, let me know. I’m not going to bother with tenths of pounds for these intermediate stages, and won’t bother unless the contest comes down to that.

Highlights:
First off, BIG Mike is leading us. No surprise he’d start strong… he’s a sprinter. He’s gone 33% of the way to his goal. Let’s see if he can keep up the pace.

Next, UltraRob is a freakin’ machine. Well, you’d have to be, in order to ride the 12 day (11 in his case, maybe) Race Across America. Rob has clearly noticed that he has four months to lose 20 pounds, he informs us that he’s around 12,000 calories or so “in the bank,” as he puts it… and sure as hell, he’s lost 5 pounds, 25% of his goal. Who wants to bet that he has lost another 5, exactly, by next month? Damn you, UltraRob! Just tell me one thing… is resistance really futile, Rob?

Bob Weber comes in third at 24%. He doesn’t talk smack on our group emails, he doesn’t abuse others, he just hangs out, getting down to bidness. If I was Rob or BIG Mike, I’d be watching my six. The Bob is lurking.

Tony Owens slips in at fourth. He’s down 10 pounds to 235, 22% of his weight loss goal. It’s easier to slip in, I bet, in that smaller pants size, eh Tony?

In fifth is yours truly, down 8 pounds since Jan 3 or so, which is 17% of my goal. I’d better get after it, because I am lagging. When you are talking weight loss, losers never quit, and quitters never win. How am I doing it? Check out the mileage chart at StormCrowe’s place and you’ll have an idea. Basically, I’m taking Fausto Coppi’s three pieces of advice about how to become a good rider. (1) Ride the bike; (2) Ride the bike; and, most importantly, (3) Ride the damn bike.

Dean Patterson is hanging tough in sixth, having lost 7 pounds, or 16% of his goal.

George Crawford (the Big Guy on a Bike, or BGOAB) is tied for seventh with Mike Matthews. Both have met 15% of their weight loss goal. George is a bigger guy with bigger goals though, and this means he’s lost nearly twice as many pounds. If it’s a tie between these guys, the one who lost the most gross tonnage is the winner, so right now it’s BGOAB in a photo phinish.

John Gorham, who buys his pants off the same rack where I get mine, comes in at 9th. He’s down seven pounds from 275, and has met 14% of his weight loss goal.

The Rockster, the Rock Lobster and Fat Cyclist Brother-in-Law Rocky, has knocked two pounds off his formerly 187 pound frame. He’s obviously starting slow, hanging in my draft, and hoping to nip me at the end of the contest to win our side bet for a pair of shorts. He’s in 10th. Fatty of course… well, I’m not sure he’s participating but he is a benefactor and interested bystander.

Cathy Boland has lost precisely one pound, which is 7% of her weight loss goal. She’s obviously using track rider methods, and is basically doing a trackstand right now to see what the rest of us do. When the rest of us make our move, she’s hoping to lose 14 pounds real fast, and kick all our butts. She’s clearly a sprinter. She’s holding down 11th position right now.

Botched Experiment tells us he’s lost precisely .5 pounds. No, that’s not a mistake with the decimal. It’s half a pound. Hey, Botched, you’re a smart guy. Tell us, given my shoddy math abilities, is half a pound not well within the margin of error? And please, tell us one other thing… how does it feel to be spit out the pack so early in our little race? Botched is in twelfth.

The last two losers… um, contestants… well, they’re in a special category. They need some help in our comment section. Billy Covington has lost… nothing. In a stunning fit of libertarian-style dieting, Billy has chosen to do nothing, secure in the belief that most problems take care of themselves, if only we can ignore them long enough. True enough, Billy, when the worms eat you, you’ll lose those 35 pounds. But unless you get going on the diet and exercise soon, you are going to have trouble in this contest. I don’t care if you were in Costa Rica. Or Costco, or wherever it was you said you spent last month. But you probably won’t have trouble from Dan Sauer. In a stunning reversal rivalling Monty Python’s Biggest Twit Competition, Dan took off from the start line moving in the wrong direction, slipping from 198 (estimated, by a carny barker apparently) to 206 (estimated, by a grain scale, it seems). Dan, I’m willing to give you a reset and start you out at zero pounds lost as of this month. But dude, you gots to put out some. You can’t be slowing the peleton down.

So there you have it. For the most part, we’re a huge bunch of losers. We have three people who really haven’t made progress, but to be fair, they haven’t really done anything to deserve losing a few pounds either. For you non-bicyclists that sometimes give me a ration of s4i7 about being all high on the damn bikes, this should tell you something: in the heart of football playoff season, in the winter when it’s hard to ride, getting a late start (leaving only 3 weeks or so for the first “month” of weight loss) our little merry band of 13 has lost a total of 66 pounds. That’s an average of 5 pounds a person. If you take out the folks who really didn’t do anything – for a month – Dan, Billy and Botched, it’s an average 7 pounds lost per person. And I can’t speak for the rest of the group, but I don’t feel bad or feel like I’m dieting hard. I just get up and ride a bit.

Final thing – go ahead and click on those links. One nice thing about bicyclists, is that they are a little weird. That means their blogs tend to be pretty interesting. You won’t find a lot of political banter, but you will find a lot of interesting slice of life stuff, people you might enjoy getting to know.

Even if they are a bunch of freakin’ losers.