SOME MODEST PROPOSALS IN AN IMMODEST WORLD

Or “You Can Handle the Truth–You Just Choose Not To.”

Proposal #1.) Evidently, since all the Muslim officers swapping e-mails with al Qaeda imams are simply engaged in harmless research, and since all the high-profile detainee cases have been transferred to Night Court in Manhattan to be processed with traffic tickets and zoning code violations, the Mighty Wheels of Military Justice can now turn its gaze upon the real “Case of the Century”, The Case of the Blue-Lipped Bomber.

Navy Petty Officers Matthew McCabe, Jonathan Keefe and Julio Huertas were part of a SEAL team that captured Abed.

Abed complained that he was punched on Sept. 1 during his initial detention. A fat, bloody lip was offered up as proof.

Imagine that.

But first, let’s consult our Rom E. Manual:

The 18-chapter manual provides a detailed window into al Qaeda’s network and its procedures for waging jihad – from conducting surveillance operations to carrying out assassinations to working with forged documents.

The closing chapter teaches al Qaeda operatives how to operate in a prison or detention center. It directs detainees to “insist on proving that torture was inflicted” and to “complain of mistreatment while in prison.”

Now, I’m not suggesting he’s lying about his fat lip. These are fine, upstanding terrorists. Did you know, for example, that these terrorists have a mentoring program in which they let young future Justice Department lawyers represent them for the sheer honor of the thing, just to keep those lawyers off the streets and out of mischief?

I’m proud of these terrorists who sponsor these at-risk attorneys, unlike Eric Holder, who seems to thinks it’s shameful. That must be why he won’t release the secret list of all his many employees that have been busily representing terrorists.

Eric, these lawyers need something to do after school, lest they roam the streets and fall in with bad company. There is no shame that, in their hour of need, they reached out to these accomplished model citizens of the Terrorist Community, citizens who have graciously and generously agreed to give selflessly of their time, in order to counsel (and be counseled by!) these wayward youths you employ.

Release the Secret List, sir.

And while you’re at it, could we also have the list of officials who thought it was a great idea to let Maj. Hasan shoot the breeze with bin Laden’s Rev. Wrong?

Proposal #2.) Just because a terrorist like Ahmed Hashim Abed murders four Americans, hangs their bodies up on a bridge and burns them to a crisp is no reason to give a guy a fat lip.

But it’s no reason not to give him a fat lip, either.

I propose that from now on, all detainees be given a fat lip, on principle. Let’s just face it people; it’s the right thing to do.

Every detainee should receive his fat lip upon intake, at the same time we give him his choice of three different translations of gilt-edged Korans, an antique prayer rug from the Smithsonian collection, his CongressCare Gold-Plated Health Insurance card, his weekly menu consisting of mouth-watering culturally-appropriate dishes made with fresh local produce whenever possible, a pair of fuzzy hypo-allergenic lambswool slippers handcrafted by Moroccan virgins from from halal lambs, a cell phone to call room service, a visa, a VISA card, his AT&T long-distance phone card so he can continue conduct “benign” spiritual “research” with his imam back home, the phone number of a lawyer at Eric Holder’s firm, plus scheduling his first dentist appointment.

This is a lot for our new guest and it can be a bit stressful, so we’ll probably also want to schedule a Swedish massage with real Swedes and essential oils–have you tried the frangipani? It’s marvelous. And, POW!–that’s when we bust his lip.

For failing to tip the masseuse.

Always tip, people. Always.

Proposal #3.) Our SEALS are overseas fighting for your right to have a say in our democratic system of republican government.

By contrast, SIEU union thugs are over here are fighting against the right of Republicans to even say anything Democrats don’t want to hear on a public sidewalk.

Public Service Director of SEIU Local 2000 Elston McCowan accosted Ken Gladney at the Carnahan town meeting in St. Louis Thursday night with the words, “Why is a nigger handing out ‘Don’t tread on me’ flags?”

He then proceeded to tread on him, because the SEIU Caveman’s Union hasn’t gotten the memo; In America, politics is what we do instead of violence, not in conjunction with violence.

Shortly after that, McCowan and several other SEIU thugs and Carnahan supporters ganged up on Ken Gladney and beat him so badly they put him in the hospital with injuries to his knee, back, elbow, shoulder and face.

Hey, I’m just proposing we issue a busted lip for each terrorist, not commit serious union political terrorism and hate crimes.

Therefore, I propose that these SEALS also be charged with a meaningless, slap-on-the-wrist misdemeanor which won’t affect their careers either. If it’s good enough for SIEU thugees in Huggies, it’s certainly good enough for our SEAL heroes-not zeros.

Proposal #4.) He’ll bow to the Chinese Communists for money and he’ll bow to the Japanese Emperor for Hiroshima and he’ll bow to the King of Saudi Arabia for Mecca’s sake…but he won’t bow to overwhelming American public opinion when it comes to trying Terrorists, Inc. in a New York City courtroom. Why is that?

We should either move the trial of George W. Bush Khalid Shake Yerbouti back to a military tribunal in Gitmo, or we should give these SEALS the same options; a military court…or a fabulous, fun-filled, four-year New York City taxpayer-paid vacation!

“Yes, you and your friends will fly to the Big Apple aboard Lockerbie Air, where you’ll stay at the the luxurious Hyatt Hilton Rikers Breakers. Your trusted concierge Lynne Stewart will see to all your communications needs as you attend the Broadway’s longest-running musical “Camels–lots”. You’ll also tour the Statue of Liberty in Air Force One as you wave to horror-struck New Yorkers below. You’ll attend a Cat Stevens concert in Central Park and visit landmarks such as Yankee Stadium, Grand Central Station, the Chrysler Building, the Empire State Building and the Twin Towers (to be filled in later). The total value of your taxpayer prize package is: 2,976 lives!”

If we’re going to extend American rights to terrorist war criminals by giving them the civilian trial option because That’s the Way the Our Founders Wanted It Except They Mysteriously Did the Exact Opposite Whenever They Had the Chance, then I make the boldest, most startling proposal of all:

We should also extend these American rights…to Navy SEALS!

Or do terrorists have more rights than SEALS?

Cos’, you know, that’s the way it seems.