OUR MOTTO: “THAT’S NOT FUNNY.”

The Good News: Finally–Wolf Blitzer and CNN decide to do some fact-checking on Obama’s statements.

The Usual News: The Obama they fact-checked was in fact a comedian on Saturday Night Live.

Has it come to this, Wolf? Isn’t this like fact-checking Bill Clinton’s wedding vows? Or doing investigative journalism on the dropout rates at “High School Musical”? I know you want help your guy, but, Newser, please.

Natural Fake:

TOP FIVE CNN FACT-CHECKS OF COMEDY ROUTINES

5) No “Who” playing for any major league baseball team at any time despite Lou Costello’s assertion that “Who” was on first. [...]

2) Fact: Rodney Dangerfield got lots of respect.

Well-played, gents! I am so running with this concept…

“Wolf Blitzer reporting from The Situation Room–and, boy, do we have a situation on our hands. Despite being assured by professional comedians that there was no way to joke about Barack Obama, some comedians have breached this sacred trust and are now beginning to make unauthorized jokes at the expense of Our Beloved President.

This levity must be stopped before it gets so far out of hand that even Carrot-Top gets in on it. In a new segment we call “Comedi-Fact”, we’ll be doing some hard-hitting investigative journalism and fact-checking these jokers. We must put a stop this Public Humor Menace before it threatens all that is good, decent and pure in Washington, D.C.

For example, did you know that when Richard Nixon appeared on “Laugh-In” in 1968 and said “Sock It To Me!”, there were actually Secret Service agents stationed nearby to prevent you from socking it to him?

That’s not all we’ve found, either:

* Gene Wilder got the family name wrong; it’s not pronounced “fronk-en-Steen” after all. It’s pronounced “Kerry”.
* The Amazing Karnak? Only amusing, not amazing. And if Johnny Carson could really predict the future, he would have made Madonna adopt the infant Conan O’Brian and extraordinarily rend him to a faraway country like her other children.
* When Ralph Cramden threatened to send Alice “to the moon” in 1956, America did not yet have a lunar space program. We rate this “False”.
*The Church Lady attended an Afro-Marxist church in Chicago for twenty years–and claimed not to have heard any of the sermons except the ones Barack Obama missed!
* National Lampoon’s “Vacation” was based on a true story. In real life, the Griswolds had an uneventful drive to Disneyland and returned home safely. Although Chevy Chase did stop by their house where he tied a dog to their car’s bumper for laughs, to punish the dog for chasing his Chevy. In Maryland.

After prison, Mr. Chase went on to quarterback for the Eagles.

* Sure, Jed Clampett looks harmless–but he taught Dick Cheney how to shoot and drill for oil…at the same time!
* The Obama administration shut down George Lopez’s airplane factory after it was discovered that the airplanes produced there inadvertently contributed to our national defense.
* Gary Coleman understood perfectly well what Willis was talkin’ ’bout.
* Several independent recounts of the Florida voting debacle prove beyond any doubt that Morty Seinfeld actually won the Del Boca Vista condo board election. How differently might have history turned out if only…
* During his first term, Mallard Fillmore had several chances to capture or kill bin Laden–but he was too busy playing the water traps with Vernon Jordan.
* Will Rogers said “Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.” The CBO has rated that joke at 60 trillion dollars and the White House assures us it “will pay for itself”.
* Jeff Foxworthy: neither foxy nor worthy. But at least I’ve heard of him–who is this “Sinbad”-person?
* “Springtime for Hitler”? Filmed in September.
* The cartoon strip “Pogo” famously declared “We have met the enemy and they is us.” This is of course a grammatical impossibility–there is no such thing as an “enemy”. Only a terrorist the president hasn’t apologized to yet. Did I say ‘terrorist’? I meant “Undocumented Defendant/Citizenship Applicant”.
* Eddie Murphy will star in “Beverly Hills Cop 13: How To Rob An Entire State Blind!”. Murphy will play the part of “Henry Louis ‘Skip’ Gates, Jr.”, and Bud Lite will impersonate “beer”.
* Tina Fey? Not truly fey, more like ironic. And Sarah Palin is not pale, but a rosy pink. Don’t buy into the spin, people.
* Ronald Reagan joked “I have just signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.” CNN has learned that this law is still on the books!
*The EPA has fined Bob Hope and Bing Crosby for the carbon footprint from their famous “Road” pictures. When reached for comment, the Original Mr. Hope said “If we’re going to tax the dead, then how about a tax on Andrew Dice Clay’s career?”
* Marine biologists now say that sharks are more endangered than first thought based on reviewing SNL’s groundbreaking land shark research and tips received from snitch sea bass at fishy.gov.
* Many people assume “The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County” by Mark Twain is just a humorous tall tale. In fact, it is Twain’s searing indictment of rogue rodeo clown and noted amphibiphobe Glenn Beck and his inhumane treatment of plastic frogs.

This is Wolf Blitzer for CNN’s “Comedi-Fact”. Remember; comedy is hard, news is harder, but toadying–that’s as easy as boiling water.”