MNN PRESENTS “THE GET EVENING NEWS”

A Servicing of Manufactured News(tm) Network

***(Moosedew, Montana) Pres. Obama has embarked on a tour of the Mountain West to shore up support for his health care debacle.

“We are held hostage, at any given moment by health insurance companies that deny coverage, or drop coverage, or charge fees that people can’t afford at a time when they desperately need care,” Obama said. “Such as a $50,000 foot amputation or a gratuitous tonsillectomy.”

“However, unlike the previous administration, it is my policy to negotiate with all hostage-takers. And let me urge all bigoted Americans not to lash out in anger against the Gekko-Americans, the Good Hands Community or the Indemnified Imams practicing their Insurance of Peace,” said Obama.

“We just feel that it is much better to have the Government ration your health care than to have insurance companies ration your care,” Obama continued. “After all, if an insurance company denies you care, you can get a different company. But if your government denies you care, you can’t get a different government. We can make rationing stick. We’ve got police, courts, legislatures and bureaucracies and we can tax you, fine you, lock you up and confiscate your property in ways private companies can only dream of. We can even stop you from leaving the country because we control the borders–at least on the way out.”

***(New Hajib, Connecticut) Yale University Press has censored “The Cartoons that Shook the World“, a book on the recent controversial Danish Mohammad cartoons. Even historical images of Mohammad by famous Western artists were banned from the book.

Yale has agreed to change the book’s title to either “Allah and Man at Yale” or “The Cartoons that Shook the World and Made Us Pee Our Pants So Please Don’t Hurt Us But, Hey, Wouldn’t It Be Nice If King Abdullah Wanted to Endow a New Chair at Yale?”

***(Washington, D.C.) Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has ordered the reconstitution of HUAC, the House Un-American Activities Committee, the bane of American Communists in the 1950’s.

“I’ve always wanted to say “Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Republican Party?”,” gushed a plainly excited Pelosi. “In the old days, they foolishly thought that wanting your own country to lose the Cold War or lose in Vietnam was “un-American”,” said Pelosi “but today we know that wanting your country to lose its wars is very patriotic. However, disagreeing with me on health care is the very definition of ‘un-American’.”

“That whole “Axis of Evil”-thing was a joke,” chimed in Harry Reid, “but the Axis of Evil-Mongers is very real.”

Pelosi added that any health care bill should also cover illegal aliens, or as she calls them, “Americans”.

***(Potemkin Falls, Colorado) Barack Obama announced his latest Trillion-Dollar initiative today: Strawman Reform.

“Some opponents of reform say that the same old tired Strawmen of yesterday are up to the job. We didn’t ask for these Strawmen, but we inherited them from the previous administration. The alternative, they say, is to do nothing, just stuff a little more straw into the status quo. So let me be clear; we can’t get distracted by the special interests of Big Straw. As you know, I’ve consistently said that even though this Straw Plan will cost a trillion dollars, it will save us money in the long run through Preventative Blame. Because with the thoughts I’ve been thinkin’, I could be another Lincoln if I had someone to blame.”

***(St. Louis, Missouri) Protestor Kenny Gladney has been invited to the White House for beers.

Gladney has been asked by the White House to serve beers to the president and Henry Louis Gates, Jr. while the two of them continue their Learnable Moment Conversation about the politicized use of force directed against Mr. Gates.

***(Mnemonic, Nigeria) Blithely comparing America to a Third World hell-hole that has never had a free and fair election, Sec. of State Hillary Clinton told Nigerians that “In 2000, our presidential election came down to one state where the brother of the man running for President was the governor of the state. So we have our problems too.”

“In fact, speaking of nepotism and corruption, we once had an election in which a president pardoned a bunch of terrorists in order to gain ethnic votes for his wife’s senate race.”

Clinton’s next scheduled corrupt nepotism stop is Kenya, where Pres. Obama once campaigned for his cousin, Communist Raila Odinga, who went on a ethnic-cleansing terror spree until he was declared a winner.

Through a translator, a student also asked Sec. Clinton what Eleanor Roosevelt thought. Hillary replied that while she wouldn’t be channeling her husband despite the fact that the bastard was being hailed around the globe for his diplomatic coup in North Korea while she was stuck in this backwater with no indoor plumbing, she would be channeling Mrs. Roosevelt later.

***(Ala Mode, Texas) Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee explains why your lying eyes think she’s ignoring a voter in mid-question to talk on the phone: “It appears on the video — maybe it’s a doctored video — but how I explain it is this: First of all, I take calls from my constituents, but that was not a call that I took. I dialed the hotline number to get a better answer.”

“Also, my dog ate my homework and I was calling a pet ambulance. And speaking of “doctored”, I’ve got a plan to address the shortage of doctors; I’ll send my husband’s students to your bedside and they’ll pretend to be doctors…problem cured!“