FROM MANUFACTURED NEWS(TM) NETWORK

“Everybody’s Crazy ‘Bout a Sharp-Dressed Ma’am!”

***This is the week Barbara Boxer came out in a thousand dollar outfit to warn us that well-dressed people were patently phony. Preach it, sistah!

***Chris Matthews and Kathleen Parker decided that it was racist for Republicans to run a white woman on a ticket against a black man because of Harper Lee or the Harper Valley PTA or the day Billy Joe McAlister jumped off the Tallahatchee Bridge or something vaguely Southern-ish. Anyway, they decided Palin was a reincarnated Lurleen Wallace, a regular Scarlett O’Hara Confederate from the Nation’s Attic, Alaska being known as a hotbed of the Confederacy and all. Hey; she is from SOUTH Alaska…!

Matthews asserted that Alaska was, in fact, the never-identified 12th Mystery State that seceded from the Union in 1861.

Sobbing, Parker broke down and promised to sell her vast “Mandingo” novel collection. Chris Matthews promised to buy it. Even though he already has three.

***Paul Krugman said we would all embrace DMV-Care if only the president were a white man. You know, like Bill Clinton. Krugman also said he refused to give his honest opinion on health care as it might hurt the chances of getting what he wants. Which is kind of odd for an opinion writer. He was never afraid to sell his favorable opinions of Enron to Ken Lay.

***Fresh off its Learnable Moment kegger in which nothing was learned, the White House announced it would no longer read the e-mails of terrorists…unless they happened to oppose Health Care.

As part of the Administration’s effort to save taxpayer money, International Man of Mystery Joe Biden was still on the East Lawn draining the last drops from the keg.

***This week we learned that our folks were no longer simply “Grandma” and “Grandpa”, but “Granny Goering” and “Gramps Goebbels”, escaped Nazi war-criminals carrying swastikas to town-hall meetings in hopes of gently persuading their neighbors. I’m not saying Nancy Pelosi is dense, but she hasn’t yet proven she can be trusted with a middle name.

Pelosi says your grandparents are “astro-turfers”, a ‘phony grass-roots’ pr stunt which was invented by David Axelrod’s public relations firm based on Noam Chomsky’s “Manufactured Consent” and used, for example, by liberals at Pew to get Campaign Finance Reform passed. Like an ACORN rally, it relies on a fictional “groundswell” of public support–you know, just like the one Grandma used to get you to eat the Turnip-Beet Surprise. Come to think of it, I always wondered about her funny German accent.

So not only are your grandparents Nazis singing out of the same Himmler, but according to Pelosi, they are in the pay of evil, immoral insurance companies.

Excuse me, but I’d like to sign up for this. I’ve been paying insurance companies my whole life. Also fire and auto. In fact, while Grandma and Grandpa pay their premiums TO insurance companies, it is Nancy Pelosi and her friends who are taking money FROM insurance companies–even though she thinks its blood money!

***The Senate Ethics Committee cleared two Democrats today, saying that senators had a moral duty to accept sweetheart mortgages from companies they regulate.

“Chris Dodd only accepted that mortgage so he could keep a close eye on the industry for the next thirty years at 2%. He’s all about the oversight,” said Committee Chairman Tony Rezko (D.-Joliet). Senators were urged to report any fishy mortgages to flag@CountrywideHouse.com.

***After helping the president to slash a searing $100 million from the budget last week, Democrats voted to spend $550 million on eight new luxurious private jets. It is said that he new jets, the CarbonStream GlobalWarmer 2000 Fatcat-series, would help plug the gap in our air defenses since we can’t possibly afford new F-22s and a Missile Shield. In the event of an attack, the Congressional Air-Limos would confront the incoming threats and issue a strongly-worded though non-binding “Sense of Congress”-resolution.

“Sense”? Sense when?

In Weather News, it must be the heat.

UPDATE:

***After a crime wave struck car dealers nationwide, the Senate vowed to spend another $2 Billion dollars of China’s money to get to the bottom of the epidemic of car vandalism.