OUR MOTTO: “THE ONLY NEWS MANUFACTURER WITH THE GUTS TO ADMIT IT!”
OUR OTHER MOTTO: “WE WERE ‘SHOVEL-READY’ WHEN ‘SHOVEL-READY’ WASN’T COOL!”

(Washington, D.C.) Today in Stimulus News;

*In an effort to get Republican votes for the Stimulus Bill, Democrats promised that Dick Cheney could be in charge of confiscating all Americans’ medical records for the federal government’s library.

*The Stealth Care proposal hidden in the bill would also establish a “Throw Granny From the Gurney” Health Rationing Board. The board would determine if treatment was cost-effective by dividing the patient’s expected life-span by the number of dollars the government could expect to squeeze out of them in their sunset years before they keel over.

“We don’t sunset government programs. We don’t put the government on rationing. And we don’t care if government is cost-effective. We’ll never pull the plug on government, but we’ll do it to you–because we care,” said “Kill Granny ‘Cos of Fannie” spokesman Kevork Jackian.

*Poor Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s office released a clarification today: “Many of my constituents have heard that this bill bans subversive groups from using public facilities built with Stimulus money. But I’m here to reassure them that NAMBLA, the Black Panthers and Young Communists for Jihad will be as welcome as ever. Only dangerous groups like Hillel and Campus Crusade for Christ will be blacklisted.”

(The Bill Milhaus Maher Memorial Grotto, Playboy Mansion, Chicago, IL) The Obama Administration announced a major new crackdown on child porn: “We will be taking notorious child porn advocate David Ogden off the streets and putting him where he belongs…behind a desk at the Justice Department,” said spokesman William Waynes.

In Business News, TurboTax announced the release of a new product line in response to overwhelming demand. The new software is called “TurboTax for Dummies, Treasury Secretaries, Cabinet Nominees and Other Lobbyists, Ways and Means Chairmen and Those Who Just Wish to Pay Taxes Like Them.“

Not to be outdone, H&R Block said the “H” and “R” stood for “House of Representatives”.

In Fashion News, First Lady Michelle Obama is appearing on the cover of “Vogue” magazine. And Treasury Secretary Geithner will be appearing on the cover of “Vague”.

In Agriculture News, calling them more dangerous than al Qaeda, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. admitted he hates hog farmers. However, Kennedy is still fond of the swinish Hugo Chavez, who supplies brother Joe with enough heating oil to almost compensate for energy lost due to their opposition of the Cape Cod Wind Farm.

Chavez has honored their friendship by adopting the Israel policies of Sirhan Sirhan.

In Pesky Foreigner News, Great Britain has banned Dutch law-maker Geert Wilders for his intemperate remarks about Islam, while welcoming Hamas leaders preaching genocide.

“You can’t hold the bloody wogs to the same standards as white peop…nevermind,” said Official Cultural Apologizer Sue Aside.

She told reporters that the UK would also be censoring Shakespeare, banning the Beatles, repealing the Magna Carta, scuttling the Fleet, closing the Church, boycotting fish and chips and handing the crown over to Prince Gaydar of Soggy Emiria.

“Let’s face it; we’re just tired of freedom,” said Aside in an aside. “It’s too demanding,” she said as she donned her burqua. When asked what this meant for the future of Old Bighty, Aside told our reporters that she couldn’t answer any more questions without a male relative present.

And finally, in Sports News, the Steroid Controversy continued to swirl as the American Government admitted it was now on steroids and had no plans to quit. ever.

UPDATE: In Entertainment News, our movie critic Sal U. Lloyd reviews the new feel-good hit of the recession, “Housing Miss Henrietta”, starring BaRock Hudson Hussein and a cast of insignifigant little people:

This tear-jerker is set in Fort Myers, Florida where people like to live in their cars. The Hussein character comes to town to give people the benefit of His Presence and is shocked when they actually ask him for stuff instead. When Henrietta asks him for a house, he plans to give her the number of the local Housing Authority even though she’s already been signed up there for years.

This was unrealistic because everyone knows Obama doesn’t even give houses to his own homeless relatives, even though Tony Rezko gave him a house.

Before Obama can help Henrietta by bumping some other poor schlub off the housing authority list, forcing him or her to live in a car just so Obama won’t look bad, something wonderful happens; a local Republican woman with Jesus in heart offers Henrietta a free house. I felt the Republican woman character, Mrs. Chene Thompson, was used by the media as a stock character just to make Obama look good; the old “Magic Caucasian” device.

I don’t want to spoil the ending, but Henrietta gets the help she needs from Republicans without a government handout, and Obama goes back to Washington to propose a Stimulus law to seize all Republican second homes. I give it 3 & 1/2 Red Stars with Hammer and Sickle.