The Rittenhouse dustup has inspired an awesome burst of genius-level hilarity at the Bee. Some sample headlines, chronologically arranged:
Last but by no means least, a slightly out-of-order one that requires excerpting to enjoy the full effects.
Rittenhouse Verdict Raises Concerns That It’s No Longer Safe To Beat People To Death With A Skateboard
U.S.—As Americans deal with the aftermath of the Rittenhouse verdict, many are being forced to come to terms with the fact that it’s no longer safe to beat people to death with a skateboard in America.
“I’m devastated. I’m terrified. I don’t even recognize my own country anymore,” said local concerned citizen Gail Piddlesnoot. “How have we gotten to the point in our nation where people can no longer beat someone with a skateboard, or kick someone in the face, or threaten to kill them without risk of being shot? It’s just horrible.”
The American Society of Communist Skateboard Murderers (ASCSM) reports that more and more of their members are dropping out, no longer confident that they can go out at night, burn down cities, and bash in people’s skulls with skateboards unmolested.
“This sets a dangerous precedent,” said Piddlesnoot. “It could be that in a very short time, we will no longer see gangs of marauding skateboard-murdering arsonists roaming our streets at night, and that’s a very sad thought.”
For Leftards, a thought sad enough to reduce them to hysterics. Which, along with their slavering, unswerving preference that an innocent, entirely admirable teenager be brutally beaten to death by marauding thugs rather than have their own political fanaticism contravened, says all anybody should ever need to know about them—who they are, what they do, and above all else, what the upshot will most assuredly be should we ever be so foolish or inattentive as to allow these fiends to attain the unchecked power over us they so desperately crave.