Since I haven’t given a fart in a whirlwind about the Negro Felons League since the first players’ strike back in the eighties, I maintained a personal tradition by wasting not one moment of my attention on this year’s Chinkenpox-attenuated Stupid Bowl sub-extravaganza. Accordingly, I spared myself the immersion in a marinade of PC scolding via the halftime ads, including the shitfling starring phonus-balonus limousine liberal and New Jersey Pudhead nonpareil Bruce Springsteed in his accustomed role.
Happily enough, Larry Correia somehow acquired an Eyes-Only-classified copy of the words the Wokester ad execs stuffed betwixt the locked jaws of the self-proclaimed Champion Of Duh Workin’ Mayan™to share with us unhip flyover-country nonentities who may have missed it, intentionally or otherwise. Before we get to that, though, here’s Correia’s idea of what the preliminary storyboarding might have been like:
“You know, sir, during our celebrity voice over talking about the dichotomy between the two sides of the country, to contrast the red staters playing in the dirt, we should put a bunch of big gleaming pretty glass buildings in the background, so that we can subtly remind them that we’re above them.”
“Good call. And for the fly over people get all the cow skulls, broken wind-mills, and silos you can find. We can’t ever let them forget their place. Alright, on that voice over, what celebrity is hot right now with those racist dipshits?”
“Cardi B? She’s a Hash Tag Strong Woman.”
“No. Everyone knows Red Staters hate women. I saw it on the Hand Maid’s Tale. We need nominally male gender identifying, someone who represents those backwards inbred hicks. Can we get Bruce Springsteen?”
“But sir, isn’t he a flaming liberal from New Jersey who campaigned for Joe Biden and who routinely sneers at our target audience of uneducated rubes? Since they’re feeling mocked, disenfranchised, and thousands of them just lost their high paying energy jobs, how can we foist a coastal elitist millionaire musician on them?”
The MBAs all share a confused and worried glance about how to overcome this seemingly insurmountable issue.
“Hmm… But what if we stick him in a cowboy hat?”
Oh, absolutely! Moving on to the script:
Hi. I’m Bruce Springsteen, millionaire musician, but today I’m driving around bumfuck nowhere in some busted ass old jeep to a melancholy soundtrack looking like an extra on Longmire so that you know I’m JUST LIKE YOU. Poor.
Look. A cross. Because Jesus or something. I don’t know. I got paid like two hundred grand for one day of work. Here’s some high-minded sounding poet laureate style voice over about how we’re all in this together that I probably recorded in the studio in my mansion.
Now I’m gonna be extra sanctimonious about how hard it is to meet in THE MIDDLE.
Red versus Blue… Sure, team blue was all #RESIST for the last four years and endless goofy investigations, but if you think security videos of 50 mystery boxes being delivered by a Detroit election van at 3:00 AM is worthy of an audit you are basically a terrorist who needs to be cancelled and driven from society.
Citizen versus Servant. Like it’s okay for riots to burn the places where citizens live and work for months on end, but if the servants are inconvenienced for a day that’s basically a coup that requires more troops than we landed on Utah Beach.
We need that connection. We need the middle. Because somebody has to pay the taxes to bail out our hedge fund buddies.
There’s a Divide. Of course that divide is your problem and totally not our fault. Look, a horse.
Our light has always found its way through the darkness. Said darkness obviously being four years of somebody we didn’t like briefly keeping us from doing every crazy ass thing we wanted to. Have some more executive orders.
But there’s hope… on the road… because we installed an old white segregationist who got millions funneled to him through his crackhead son from communist China… but if you talked about that in October you got kicked off the internet for Fake News. But now the news is real. So Hunter got a book deal from the same publishing house that cancelled a senator’s book about the dangers of Big Tech censorship.
Damn… How many crosses do you people need?
To the ReUnitied States of America. We even made the star red too because we are completely incapable of any introspection whatsoever.
Buy our shit.
Good stuff for sure. For a further setup for my payoff pitch, have yourself a gander at the damage done to Sudden Patriot Brucie’s ravaged, leathery mug by long years enjoying the Lifestyle Of The Rich And Useless:
So much healing and unity… pic.twitter.com/fL9GRBsIwc
— Mike LaChance (@MikeLaChance33) February 8, 2021
YIKES. Also, OOF. The knockout-punchline, as coined by an astute AOSHQ commentard:
21 Bruce looks like that Indian who beat the drum in the Covington kid’s face. Posted by: x4
And—provided we all overlook the excess poundage put on by all those expensive meals cooked up by Working Class Bruce’s personal gourmet chef, along with the luxe dentition denied the penurious Chief Sues-A-Lot—well, damned if he don’t at that. Which, for a smarmy egotist like Springsprangsproing, is bound to smart a goodish bit.
Hey, who says there ain’t no justice in this world?