Wonder what the percentages might be

Of present-day “Anericans” who are officious, insufferable, priggish assholes, that is.

I get it. No one wants to wear a mask. They muffle your voice. They itch your cheeks. They fog up your glasses. And, until recently, all the experts said they were ineffective against the coronavirus. But now the script is flipped, and it’s the virtuous thing to do. If you don’t, well, you’ll likely face the censure of your peers.

And that judgment is harsh. In the early days of maskopolis, my wife and I went to Safeway with our faces uncovered. Shameful, I know, but our connect in Hong Kong hadn’t yet hooked us up with a box of those blue bad boys.

As we strolled down an aisle — not noticing the arrows indicating that we were walking the wrong direction on a one-way path — our eyes met with those of a tall masked man, who was gingerly picking out cans with his surgical-gloved hands. He looked at us sternly, and pointed to the mask on his face and then to the arrows on the floor. A silent reproach.

And effective. Although it seemed incredibly rude at the time, the eyes of this latter-day Dr. T. J. Eckleburg stuck with us. We wear masks now, and pity those who are as foolish as we once were.

Effective, my fed-up ass. Shoulda punched the jerk right square in the mouth and left him layin’, sez I. “Effective”? Only insofar as it’s allowed to be, and not one jot or tittle more. The proper way to deal with any finger-wagging, self-righteous bluenose remains the same as it always was: get up in their faces, punch back twice as hard. A meek shrug of the shoulders and a firm tug on the ol’ forelock in humble deference only encourages the juiceless bastards. Then, next thing you know, they’re shuttering your business, yelling at you from Chinese-made drones, scolding you from billboards, and locking you in your damned house.

Mask-wearing, while certainly a health-conscious practice, is also a performance for the benefit of your neighbors. Those who play their parts poorly will be booed.

It is a grim show to be sure, put on in my neighborhood by a bunch of noseless, mouthless suburbanites imposing rules and regulations on their unexpectedly leisure-filled existences. But it is one in which we have all been given roles.

For most of us, it could be worse. On the front lines of this thing, there’s no chance to worry about whether or not to wear masks. Medical workers don’t have the time. My two brothers, one a pizza delivery man and the other a barista at Starbucks, don’t have a choice.

And yet, when no one else is around, I know they are just like me. Down goes the mask, and they breathe easier. For a little while.

This whole mess is nothing but a performance, really, Safety Theater for the boobs, the sheep, and the panic-ninnies. Speaking strictly for myself, I will NOT be donning any mask, unless I’m suddenly and inexplicably called upon to help remove a spleen or sew up a wound or something. I simply ain’t doing it, and I don’t give a shit if saying so hairlips every cannibal on the Congo, either. The performance will just have to stagger on without me somehow.

This ain’t Red China, people—not quite yet it ain’t, although it’s now one hell of a lot closer than I’d prefer. On these shores, the air is by no means so polluted as to require mask-wearing outdoors as a matter of simple survival. So I’ll just say it: I don’t care which government official demands that I do so, it just ain’t happening, bub. Might as well lock me up now, cocksuckers. I didn’t manage to make it to this ripe old age only to start knuckling under to every dimestore dictator currently crawling out from under every rock on the landscape now.

11 thoughts on “Wonder what the percentages might be

  1. I hope I get through it.  I was walking down my street (a pretty rural area) and was told by the PO-LICE that I needed to wear a mask.  I told the fucking road pirates to show me where that is written into our law and kept walking.  They drove by and kept driving.

    Fact is that even in my small New England town full of liberal fuckers; there is a considerable amount of tension against the Government mandate.  If people here are getting fed up, it is a great sign.  My local gun shop told me that they sold over 1,000 ARs during the month of April.

    That warms the cockles of my heart

  2. I wore a mask for the 2nd time today. I had my first experience with the mask a couple weeks back when I visited the docs office for a cut on my leg that had gotten infected. Had to wear the mask in the docs office.

    Today I am in a customers manufacturing plant and they have a new corporate requirement that all vendors/suppliers/contractors/visitors must wear a mask. So I did and let me tell you it’s a miserable day wearing that thing. Since you must also wear safety glasses, they are constantly getting fogged up.
    I’ll be here all week. Pain in the ass.

    1. I’ve worn a mask three times so far, I think: all three with one of my Zombie Outbreak Response Team masks and my “This is my Quarantine Shirt” to either Alliance Health or a health care appointment, mostly to take the piss at all of the COVID Apocalypse LARPing.

      I’m going to wear my Plague Doctor mask again to my PCP appointment next month. Should be good for a laugh: doubt most of the staff really get the reference, but he does and he thinks it’s hilarious.

      Wearing it to CostCo to take the piss at their mask rules should be a hoot, also.

      You can have fun with this thing if you really want to, and manage to really piss off the Karens and the BBQ Beckies while you’re at it.

      “You’re not taking this seriously!”

      “I’m treating it with all of the seriousness that it deserves.”

      Luckily, we have a low incidence of both Karens and Beckies here in Texoma, so far.

      1. “You can have fun with this thing if you really want to, and manage to really piss off the Karens and the BBQ Beckies while you’re at it.”

        I may need to follow your lead there, Iron Bear. Can’t do it in my customers place of course. But maybe the next trip to walmart…

  3. The article’s author mentions his two brothers are a barista at Starbucks and a pizza delivery guy. While at least they are employed, that does not strike me as a strong recommendation. I couldn’t tell from the article — maybe the author is still very young and his brothers are younger? Sounds very millenial.

    The author did get one thing right: masks are performance art for the neighbors, a very conspicuous bit of virtue signalling. They are not a magic shield against the virus, or really of much use at all against getting infected.

    Barry, sorry to hear you are stuck for a week at such a place. I respect any business’ right to require their customers to wear masks — most are just trying to protect themselves from potential law suits. I do exercise my right not to do business with them, and to put them on a mental list of places never to do business with in the future if they are overly obnoxious about it.

    1. This is an industrial plant and a good customer. I’m guessing they are afraid that they’ll be subject to a lawsuit from their own workers should they get the chinaVirus from outside, so yes, this is probably CYA. All you have to do is watch the people like me wearing the same mask all day long in an 80 degree environment sweating their butts off to understand the mask has no value at all.
      Anyway, not a big deal, just a pain. I do feel for my poor sister that has to wear the mask every day now for 8-10-12 hours. She told me a couple weeks ago that it was the worst part of her job.

      “performance art for the neighbors” LOL, it’s probably good that I moved out to the country a bit where I no longer have close neighbors.

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