Cold Fury

Harshing your mellow since 9/01

Plants ain’t meat

To corrupt my favorite old joke about tattoos: know what the difference is between vegans and meat-eaters? Meat-eaters don’t care if you don’t eat meat.

The latest “woke” take on vegan fast food, like the Impossible Whopper and Del Taco Beyond Meats tacos, is this: They’re not any healthier than the standard meat versions of those items. Outlets from NBC News to Fox Business to CNBC are all sounding the alarm that these menu items often contain roughly the same amount of calories than their beefy counterparts—and often pack in more sodium. But is health even the real reason customers are ordering these Impossible and Beyond options in the first place?

Maybe, maybe not. But the reason it’s being crammed down our throats via fact-free propaganda won’t surprise anybody:

The only one that might stick is the stated reason the founders of these companies have been telling us all along. They want to drive the livestock industry out of business and get rid of the cows to save the planet. And if they can make the sale to enough of this emerging fast-food market, we might be in trouble. But somehow I don’t think so. Call me a starry-eyed optimist, but I think people will tire of the novelty quickly enough and realize that they miss eating good old reliable beef, just as nature intended.

Also, I suspect that more information will eventually get out to the general public about the “heme” that’s used in the manufacturing process and the other substances they produce. I’d be willing to bet that a lot of people eating these burgers are under the impression that “plant-based” just means it’s a new type of veggie burger. But that’s not what this is at all. These burgers are a mad scientist’s chemistry experiment running off the rails. And if all of you out there who are scarfing them down suddenly start growing tails in a couple of months, don’t say I didn’t try to warn you.

On the bright side, though, vegans tend not to live very long, with or without tails.

I’ve mentioned here before that I did the vegetarian thing myself for a year or so long ago, before deciding that life is way too short to spend one minute more of it than I had to foregoing fully-loaded cheeseburgers cooked on a Weber charcoal grill. And since the supergeniuses in charge of herding us into abiding by whatever their current idea of “healthy” food is seem prone to turning on a dime and completely reversing course with their fearmongering guidelines every twenty years or so, I intend to eat precisely whatever the hell I want, and to Perdition with the dietary “experts” and their “healthy” restrictions and recommendations.

The thing I find truly irritating about vegans/vegetarians—aside from their supercilious sanctimony, that is—is how they can’t seem to just eat their gloppy soy curds, tree bark, and lawn trimmings as they are without trying to make the stuff as close as possible to the horrible, horrible meat they’re far too moral to consume. I mean, come on: Not Dogs? Tofurkey? Bac’un? I’ve had all these products at one time or another, God knows why, and I’d rather gargle diarrhea than suffer that way again.

If you pasty, weak, sickly vegans crave bacon or a footlong Nathan’s, you should just go ahead and have some of the real deal. Because trust me: no matter how tightly close your eyes, hold your nose, and try to deceive yourself into believing otherwise, these fraudulent affronts to God His Own Self are NOT. EVEN. CLOSE.

Nor are they good; in fact, they’re truly awful, and some of them are damned near inedible. When it comes to taste, texture, aroma, and appearance, these dubious triumphs of modern chem-lab experimentation and liberal self-deception fall far, far short of any civilized standard. Go check some of these pics out, and then come back and tell me you’d even consider putting such unappealing swill in your mouth, chewing, and swallowing it without a gun to your head.

In preference to a fat, sizzling ribeye or some grilled, marinated pork chops?

Yeah, gedoudda here with all that bushwa. Meanwhile, anybody want some sausage with them eggs? A little red-eye gravy over their grits and country ham, perhaps? Howzabout a nice bacon-wrapped filet for dinner, eh? Or a nice spaghetti Bolognese? Like the bumpersticker says: I love animals. They’re DELICIOUS.

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6 thoughts on “Plants ain’t meat

  1. If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did He make them out of meat?!

  2. I sorely miss being able to eat a big chicken fried steak with hash browns, all smothered in sausage gravy with 3 fried eggs. After surviving a fatal heart attack I was told I would be looking at a replay unless I made some big-time changes. So no more of that, but I can’t imagine that I will be eating the **NEW & IMPROVED** faux burger any time soon. I can’t see that crap as anything but the ne plus ultra of Chem Food Product, farther from anything natural than the meat it tries to replace.

  3. It is not protein or saturated fats that contributed to your heart attack. It is the carbs and the sugars. Check out books such as Wheat Belly and The Plant Paradox. Also check out books by Shane Ellison aka The People’s Chemist. Saturated fat is not your enemy and it is NOT harmful to your cardiovascular health. In fact, saturated fats is something we NEED for optimal health.

  4. I went down the list….soy, soy, soy, soy (disguised as tofu) and more soy.
    Think I’ll keep my proper hormones, thanks.

  5. We have a 500 acre cattle and crop farm where we raise beef cattle and row crops (currently, a beautiful cotton crop).

    Our family has been raising cattle on that land for 80-90 years, and we aren’t stopping anytime soon.

    And it’s a damn good place to shoot.

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