Only three days left? Well, damn. And I was thinking about doing some laundry next weekend.
Climate change is in the news again. Earlier this year, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D–NY) warned us that we have only 12 years to address the harm that human beings are doing to the planet. Last week, Beto O’Rourke amended that, suggesting we have only 10 years. Now, I don’t want to scare anyone, but according to my calculations that I arrived at by reading science, both Beto and Ocasio-Cortez are looking at this problem through rose-colored glasses. In fact, the world has precisely three and a half days to change its ways or it will basically be destroyed.
As I write this, it is 1:45 pm on Friday May 3rd. By sometime in the midmorning on Tuesday, if we don’t take action, Miami will be underwater, Toledo will be on fire, a swarm of locusts will descend upon Houston, and Brooklyn … well, actually Brooklyn will be fine, but that’s not the point. The point is that we have just over 72 hours to change everything we do and hand the entire economy over to the state or else we will witness an apocalypse that will make Revelations look like Sesame Street.
I know what you’re saying, you’re saying, “Dave, how can we possibly reverse the damage done by the entire two centuries of the industrial revolution by Tuesday? It’s impossible!” But when Hannibal’s elephants looked at the Alps, did they tell Hannibal they couldn’t get across them? No. When Rocky Balboa was forced to train in a drafty Russian barn and outrun KGB agents in the snow, did he say, “This is too hard?” No.
The time to act is now. In fact, more accurately the time not to act is now. So what can you not do? First of all, do not become pregnant and deliver a child in the next three and a half days. That is literally the worst thing you can do for climate change. I know babies are cute and all, and pretty small, but believe me, those suckers pump out greenhouse gasses like 19th century dark satanic mills. And you can try to tell them to stop, but they don’t understand words, so …
Another thing you should not do is fly, or drive, or really go anywhere at all. What’s that? You have a doctor’s appointment? Something about a weird growth on your leg? Well, let me ask you bluntly, what is that growth on your leg going to matter when Denver is under 24 feet of burning snow?
Now I know all you folks are the right kind of people, and I’m going to be perfectly frank; individual inaction is not enough. What we need more than anything else is a global governing body that can enforce inaction.
Actually, I might be in favor of that, as long as the governing body itself was included in any and all inaction mandates.
If we don’t take our heads out of the sand in the next several minutes, there will be nothing but sand left on the planet.
Wait, there’s actually still going to be a planet? I had just assumed old Terra was going to fly apart or be blown to bits or something. Or maybe spontaneously ignite because of a 1.4 degree rise in yearly mean temperature over three hundred years and burn itself to cinders, which will be scattered across the galaxy by the solar wind.
So: what, then? Will there still be a planet after all, just no more climate? Or will there be a climate too, but one that kills off all us humans for unforgivable sins like the internal combustion engine and air conditioning and delicious, juicy cheeseburgers? Will there still be animals? How about stinkbugs? Tall buildings? Shrubbery?
Man, all this science is making my head hurt. Seriously, though, if Albert “Arnold The Pig” AlGore had been right in that famous movie of his, An Inconvenient Prediction, the world would have ended long before now. And he ain’t the only half-bright Chicken Little who got it completely wrong, either.