Cold Fury

Harshing your mellow since 9/01

PROGRESS!

As opposed to, y’know, Progressivism.

‘Everything Is Bad And The World Is Ending And You Shouldn’t Have Kids,’ Says Party Of Progress
U.S.—The United States birth rate has continued to fall as millennials increasingly believe that everything is bad, the world is going to end, and to bring kids into this nightmarish hellscape would be tantamount to child abuse.  

“The world is going to end in twelve years. If you have kids, it will end in probably like six years or something because they’ll just breathe more,” Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said on a recent Instagram Live broadcast. “I have the science right here.” Ocasio-Cortez held up a copy of National Geographic. She later realized she had been referencing an article from 1989 warning that the world would end in 2001 if deep and wide environmental policies were not enforced. “If scientists from thirty years ago said the world was going to end in 12 years, who am I to doubt science?” she said upon realizing this.”Science is science.”

“The most progressive thing we can do is abort as many of the next generation as possible so they don’t have to be brought into this apocalyptic nightmare,” said progressive blogger Martina Bridges on a live stream over her iPhone from the driver’s seat in her Lexus on a sunny day in Santa Monica while drinking a cucumber lime acai iced tea.

However, in conflict with the traditional progressive view of not having children, some evidence suggests that one of the world’s greatest resources is the bright young minds of tomorrow. Research shows that children born today could be tomorrow’s innovators, finding solutions to the world’s problems this generation never even thought of. “That’s junk science,” said progressive researcher Darrell Lyons from the University of Henshaw. “Name one generation who was improved by the next generation. It’s a myth. People are born, they pollute the Earth, the world ends. That is how it has always worked out as long as the Earth has existed.”

“Name one person who isn’t born yet who could fix the world’s problems,” Lyons went on. “I’ll wait.” Lyons sat with his arms crossed for close to thirty minutes before reporters began exiting the conference room.

“True progressivism knows the truth: this generation is the last possible hope for mankind,” Bridges continued on her live stream. “We know that the most brilliant minds to ever exist, past or future, are ours. If we don’t have our way, that’s the real Armageddon.”

What is the truly progressive solution if it is not continuing to have kids? Bridges, Ocasio-Cortez, and many other progressives believe that the only hope for true progress is to bring about a system of government from the early 1900s that has led to the death of millions and to vote for the oldest presidential candidate in history.

Makes as much sense as any of the other stupid-ass shit they come up with.

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1 thought on “PROGRESS!

  1. “Name one generation who was improved by the next generation. It’s a myth. People are born, they pollute the Earth, the world ends. That is how it has always worked out as long as the Earth has existed.”

    Now just wait a tick. If that is how is works.. how are we still here?
    I beginning to think these people are all stoned all the time. Trying to follow their ‘logic’ makes me feel like I’m stoned. This is what passes for intellect? I’m gonna stop mentioning my advanced chemistry degree otherwise people might start thinking I’m an ‘intellectual’.

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