Cold Fury

Harshing your mellow since 9/01

REAL news you can REALLY use!

Two from the Bee. No real surprise with this first one.

Google’s self-driving cars all seem to be veering hard to the left for some reason.

The driverless vehicles also refuse to make any right turns at intersections, emitting a blaring “BIGOT ALERT” error should they attempt such a maneuver. The cars will take hour-long detours just to avoid any appearance of merging, veering, or turning right at all. One particularly feisty driverless vehicle even activated its Gatling cannon and blasted away at a sign that read “RIGHT TURN ONLY,” according to a statement from Google.

“It’s just a bug, entirely unintentional,” said one Google engineer. “I guess when we were programming them we accidentally put in a few lines of code that indicated that leaning to the right is horribly evil. We’ll have to take out those bits of programming, I suppose, if these cars are going to turn right. We definitely want them to go right.”

The Google engineer was then fired for his problematic comments.

Google programmers also said they were trying to figure out why the cars are running over every person in a MAGA hat that they see.

Yep, it’s a mystery, all right. That’s funny stuff for sure, but I damned near busted a gut over this next one.

Grizzly Bear Shatters All Pro Wrestling Records After Identifying As Human
STAMFORD, CT—The pro wrestling world was rocked last week when a new challenger arrived on the WWE circuit weighing in at 890 pounds, possessing 10-inch claws, and the strength to crush bones into gelatin. “He calls himself ‘the Grizzly’ and he is unlike any other wrestler anyone in the WWE has ever come up against,” said wrestler Seth Rollins from his hospital bed after a brief run-in with the massive opponent. What makes the Grizzly so unique? He is a trans-grizzly bear; the man recently decided to identify as human after being born an Alaskan grizzly bear. Along with his new identity, he has embraced his dream of becoming a champion human pro wrestler.

“The Grizzly has stated that his preferred pronouns are he/him/human and so we are going to respect that,” said A.J. Styles, wincing in pain as doctors attempted to realign his spine — another victim of the Grizzly’s punishment.

The Grizzly has torn apart his competition, sometimes literally. There are few remaining wrestlers left who are even willing to attempt a match against him. “He’ll be our star wrestler by, oh I’d say around seven thirty tonight when he gets the championship belt,” said WWE owner Vince McMahon.

That’s good, funny stuff too—BECAUSE IT’S TRUE!—but you really have to click on through for the picture. That’s what really makes it.

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1 thought on “REAL news you can REALLY use!

  1. Hey, that Grizzly trans human has enough melanin to play in the NBA or the NFL! Somebody wise him up as to where the REAL money is…

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