Cold Fury

Harshing your mellow since 9/01

A victory over SLAVERY!

Like I said the other day: it’s a win as far as I’m concerned.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is busy celebrating her victory over the tyrannical Jeff Bezos and the horrible burden his company Amazon had planned to inflict on the people of New York City: 25,000 jobs.

“I thought it was a good thing that Amazon was coming to New York and wanted to give us money,” Ocasio-Cortez told the press. “But then I found out they were going to extort people and only give them the money if they worked for it. Forcing people to work if they want to get paid — how is that any different from slavery?”

A number of people tried to explain to her how that was different from slavery, but she just stared at them with incomprehension. “No one needs to work,” Ocasio-Cortez continued. “We just need to tax the rich enough and we’ll have enough money for everyone, and no one will need one of those awful jobs that are just as bad as slavery and almost as bad as transphobia. We could also maybe print some money. I have a printer at home.”

Not everyone was as happy about the loss of 25,000 new jobs. “You fool! What have you done?!” New York Governor Andrew Cuomo shouted at Ocasio-Cortez as he ran into her press conference.

“I made us 3 billion dollars!” Ocasio-Cortez explained. “We were going to give Amazon 3 billion dollars in tax breaks, but now we have that money for other things since I chased them away.”

“That’s not how it works!” Cuomo yelled, now openly weeping.

“No, I’m very good with numbers,” Ocasio-Cortez said. She held up a notebook with a few hastily scrawled numbers on it. She pointed to one. “This one is a four.”

Well, I have to admit I’ve had more than one job that at least seemed as bad as slavery at the time. So maybe Sandy from Westchester is right after all. Hey, anything that reduces Cuomo to tears can’t be all bad, can it?

Update! Somebody make it stop, I’m about to bust a rib over here from all the uncontrollable laughter.

It’s a progressive civil war.

A hot-under-the-collar Mayor Bill de Blasio tore into Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on Friday as he blistered both the online giant and local politicians who opposed bringing it to Queens.

“I came up watching the mistakes of progressives of the past, unfortunately what happened in this city when it almost went to bankruptcy in the 1970s,” said a boiling de Blasio. “I saw all the times progressives did not show people effective governance and all the times progressives made the kinds of mistakes that alienated working people.”

“Working people are very smart and very discerning. They want jobs, they want revenue, they want the kinds of things that government can do for them,” he added. “They understand they have to be paid for.”

Yet again: bold mine, highlighting just how fucking clueless every last Progressivist numbskull is about where such things as jobs might come from.


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"America is at that awkward stage. It's too late to work within the system, but too early to shoot the bastards." – Claire Wolfe, 101 Things to Do 'Til the Revolution

"To put it simply, the Left is the stupid and the insane, led by the evil. You can’t persuade the stupid or the insane and you had damn well better fight the evil." - Skeptic

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