Cold Fury

Harshing your mellow since 9/01

Wherein I part ways with Schlichter, the crazy bastard

What a revoltin’ development.

Liberals can’t be happy with simply ruining the lives of decent conservatives for cheap political gain. They have to ruin hamburgers, too.

The burger is the ultimate Normal food, and horrible liberal elitists are trying to screw it up with lame alternative burgers because they are terrible.

Let me be clear, to quote an awful ex-president: Nothing I write here is open to debate. I’m turning the epistemic closure thing back on the libs. It is impossible to disagree with my ground beef rantings, and if you do, you are racist, sexist, and a burgerphobic cisdinner hate criminal of hatred.

Let’s clarify something else. Hamburgers are the King of American Casual Food. You can eat it in a bar, you can eat it in a car. Just don’t eat it in some trendy coastal eatery because they’ll screw it all up and you’ll end up dreaming of a Big Mac.

Okay, so far, so good. I’m down with all that. But then this happens:

Sloppy Joes are gross. They are burgers’ ne’er-do-well little brother, 35 and living in the basement nursing emotional damage because mom liked burgers better. And who wouldn’t? Sloppy Joes are orangey muck plopped onto a bun. They provide none of the firm but juicy consistency, or the satisfying interplay of extras and condiments, that make the burger nature’s perfect food. They are mere goo and are unworthy of a proud and free people.

Like hell! Sloppy Joes are messy, sure, but what kid cares about that? And that’s who Sloppy Joes are for: kids. I ate plenty of em as a young ‘un, and I loved them, and have nothing whatsoever against ’em even in my twilight years. Even so, I can forgive Kurt for that unwarranted slur; I’m a generous-hearted, understanding soul like that, possessed of an open mind and great tolerance for diversity of thought. But then he crosses a bright red line:

Hot dogs are likewise terrible – what the hell is a hot dog anyway? With their troubling shape, unnatural smoothness, and nauseating consistency, the hot dog is a mutant entrée, a devolved sausage without flavor or purpose. You have to waste perfectly good chili – chili that should be in a bowl topped with sour cream in a just universe – just to make a hot dog taste like something.

Even the name is unappetizing, unless you are Obama. My kid says hot dogs are really tacos because of the bread V, and he makes a good point. Except tacos are tasty and hot dogs are awful.

DUDE. Seriously? Hot dogs are GREAT, and about as American as it gets. You never heard of the phrase “baseball, hot dogs, apple pie, and…”? Uhh, okay, we’ll leave a certain crap car manufacturer out of it for now.

But, I mean, come ON. You folks in NYC and Chicago will doubtless argue over which city’s version of the blessed tube-steak sandwich is the best, and you’re welcome to do so if you like. Myself, I absolutely love ’em both. For those of you who might not have had one or the other, I’ll give ya a photo of each which will illustrate the amazing variety the hot dog offers:


chicago-dog.jpg

Pickle, tomato, onion, celery salt, and that strange neon-green relish that nobody seems to know what’s in it: it all might seem like an odd combo, but I assure you it’s delicious. Now, the classic New York Dog:

new-york-dog.jpg


Simple, yes, but elegant in its own right. The red goo is NOT ketchup, mind, but a sweet onion relish that is just heavenly. One NYC ‘dog might not make a meal like the Shytown version will, which would be why there’s two in the picture. I won’t go into things like brats and kraut or Italian sausage with peppers and onions here, in deference to the delicate sensibilities of any true hot dog purist who might be reading this. Nathan’s probably deserves a separate post all by itself. But just betwixt you and me, they’re all hot dogs. And they’re all great.

All in all: Kurt, you know I love ya. But when you diss the ‘dog you put yourself on the fightin’ side of me, boy. This Wikipedia bit ought to be enough to set things straight:

These types of sausages and their sandwiches were culturally imported from Germany and popularized in the United States, where the “hot dog” became a working-class street food sold at hot dog stands and carts. The hot dog became closely associated with baseball and American culture.

Now I ask you, what’s not to like? I think we can all agree on his closer, though:

My upcoming book Militant Normals: How Regular Americans Are Rebelling Against the Elite to Reclaim Our Democracy contains no burger recipes, because normal people don’t need burger recipes. Normals take meat, throw it on a grill, put it on a bun, put some stuff on it, and eat it like the heroes they are.

And liberals? They screw up everything they touch. The arts. Academia. Dinner.

Well said, sir. Well said.

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